I do not own Merlin or any of the characters appearing in this story.
I loved 5.13, but IMO it came far too late. That fireside scene in 5.05 was the perfect time for a reveal. I know there are lots of fantastic reveal fics out there already. This scene would not let me go though, particularly after seeing a fantastic version on Youtube.
The first part follows mainly 5.05 as we know it, but then things are going to change!
The fire was crackling quietly. It was a still night, unusually mild for this time of the year. A couple of crickets were busily chirping away in the undergrowth, but apart from that and the muffled flutter of some birds in the trees above them, it was silent and peaceful. A couple of stars were twinkling through the leaves and Merlin knew that he would have been able to see the starlit sky in all its glory had it not been for the brightness of the fire. He could feel magic bristling all around him. He had been aware of it as soon as they had come near the cave where the disir resided. It made him feel alive and a strong sense of belonging was rushing through his veins.
He had just returned from collecting firewood and when he approached the small clearing where they had decided to spend the night, he saw Arthur had stretched out on the ground near the fire making himself as comfortable as possible. His head was leaning against a fallen tree trunk and his eyes were closed. Merlin was only too aware that he was not asleep. There was too much to think about.
The disir had left Arthur with an impossible choice to make: accept magic and save Mordred, or decline the return of magic and let Mordred die. And he had to come to a decision by the morning.
'How did you know this place was sacred?' Arthur's sudden question startled Merlin.
In a split second he realized he had the choice of just making one of his usual excuses, like that Gaius had told him. But the magic of this place was too beautiful. He did not want to lie. The warlock sighed inwardly. What he sensed was so strong, so overpowering – it was hard to understand how Arthur could not be touched by any of it. There was slight impatience in his voice when he answered. 'Well, it's obvious.' And he bent down to attend to the fire.
'Pretend, it isn't' Arthur had sensed the rebuke.
'Everything here is so full of life.' His voice was so full of emotion, that Arthur looked up, taken aback. 'Every tree, every leaf, every insect. It is as if the world was vibrating' Merlin paused, his face aglow with the warm light of the dancing flames and the passion he felt. 'As if everything is much more than itself.' He turned aside to glance at Arthur questioningly. Would he be able to make him understand?
'You feel all that?' There was disbelief and surprise in his voice, giving away that he had no idea what Merlin was talking about.
'Don't you?' Merlin searched further, hoping.
Arthur shook his head in slight regret. No, he could simply not fathom what Merlin was trying to explain. He noticed how the smile faded from his servant's lips and sensed that he was disappointed with him for some reason, but what on earth why?
Merlin turned away, so his eyes would not give away the stab of pain he had felt at Arthur's reply. How would he ever be able to show Arthur who he was, to make him understand? He got up and settled on the opposite side of the fire.
'What will you do?' He needed to know what was on Arthur's mind.
Arthur shifted uncomfortably. 'I don't know.' He sounded exasperated.
'My heart says, do anything I can to save Mordred.' Arthur looked pained. 'But I have seen what misery sorcery brings. Before my father outlawed magic Camelot was almost destroyed by sorcery. In my own time Morgana has used it for nothing but evil…..' Arthur stopped and looked at Merlin. 'What would you do…..in my place?'
The young warlock had become more and more agitated as Arthur had spoken. He wanted to yell at him Look around you. Is this evil? But he could not afford to let his feelings rule his head He had been shown that Mordred was the man to kill Arthur. It was foretold in the prophecy. And it was his destiny to protect Arthur whatever the cost. But then, was this not the moment he had been waiting for, the beginning of the acceptance of magic?
'Me?' he smiled innocently, trying to get out of having to answer. 'I am just a lackey, a maker of beds'
'Lackeys can be wise' Arthur retorted, wanting to hear Merlin's opinion.
Merlin could not bring himself to answer. Voices were raging in his head tormenting him beyond endurance. How can I turn on magic now – this is what I have wanted to hear and see. This is what I have worked for all those years. This is the moment. The moment of truth. But then the somber voice of reason brought him back to reality: But if Mordred lives Arthur will die. If the druid dies now Arthur will be safe. You have but only one choice. Merlin had still not spoken a word and he realized that he was avoiding Arthur's gaze.
'It is not like you to be silent' Arthur had watched Merlin attentively wondering about his friend's strange reaction. He hoped that teasing him would bring him back to his senses.
'The kingdom's future is at stake' Merlin stated it quietly.
'And a man's life'
'You must protect Camelot and you must protect the world you have spent your life building. A just and fair kindom for all.' Merlin tried to persuade Arthur - and justify to himself that what he was saying was the right thing.
Arthur's heart sank. This is not what he had expected. For Merlin people had always come first. 'You'd have me sacrifice a friend?'
'I would have you become the king you're destined to be' It sounded all so politically correct!
'If I do save Mordred all my father's work will be for nothing. Sorcery will reign once more in Camelot. Is that what you'd want?.' Arthur was so unsure. How could it be right to sacrifice all his father had achieved for just one man? How could he desecrate Uther's legacy in such a respectless manner? But then, he remembered the time when Elyan had been possessed by the spirit of a druid. He had promised then to honour and accept the druids. Camelot had lived in peace with them ever since. If anything his kingdom had benefited from their wisdom particularly when it came to healing people. Was is not just possible that similar might happen if he accepted magic?
'But maybe my father was wrong. Maybe the old ways are not as evil as we thought.' He was desperate for guidance and he stared at Merlin willing him to answer.
'So what should we do? Accept magic or let Mordred die?'
Merlin felt as if every breath had been knocked out of him. The burden of his destiny came crushing down on him in full force. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. Arthur was questioning sincerely what Uther had done. He was open to hear HIS opinion about magic. And not only that: He had asked 'What should we do?' It showed how much he valued what Merlin had to say. Above all though, he seemed ready. Ready to embrace magic if he only chose the right words.
How could he deny himself now, in this moment? But surely he had to, if he wanted Mordred dead and Arthur safe? Tears started welling up in his eyes. He could not make himself look directly at Arthur but felt his gaze searching his face. He wished for nothing more than to tell his friend: about magic, about himself, about their destiny. Every fibre of his body was shouting: Tell him! Tell him now!
Merlin tried to catch a breath. He had to decide. Now. He knew he had to answer. He realized that there was only one reply he could give. He was sure that it would rip his heart and his soul out. He knew the only way was to deny himself yet again. His king's needs came before his own. This is how it always had been and how it would always have to be. The acceptance of magic would come at one time, for now he had to make sure that Arthur was safe. There was no choice. There can be no place for magic in Camelot. He wanted to hear the words in his mind before he was going to utter them. His insides clenched tight. His heart missed a beat, then another one. You must say it. Say it. Now! He swallowed hard before he finally opened his lips to speak.
A deafening roar cut through the still night air.
'Get the knight! I'll deal with this one!' A gang of bandits descended upon them from seemingly nowhere ready to unleash their wrath on a noble man and his servant. They were thirsty for the gold the presence of a knight promised and for their blood.
So much for part 1. I changed one of the last parts to clarify that Merlin WAS going to say those dreadful 8 words. But then - destinies are funny
things! Thanks to all of you who have already left such encouraging messages!