He sat up from the bed, the sheets wrapped tightly around his waist. Where am I? He thought, blinking to try to focus his eyes in the darkness.

"Lay back down, Heero." He heard her soft, girlish voice from behind him. His stomach clenched up.

I'm with her, again… He sat up from the bed, letting the sheets fall from him. Clothes were draped here and there across the floor, and he sifted through them to find his own. Heero slipped back into his clothes, attempted to leave the room half dressed.

"Where are you going?" Her tone had changed a little. She seemed angry, maybe hurt. But did he care? He couldn't care less.

"Home."

"Not yet, Heero, please?" She'd turned back to begging. He'd always have his way, since she was never strong enough to stand up for herself, especially against him.

"No, I'm leaving." He walked out the door of the bedroom and through the small kitchen. It was a standard apartment for people who lived on the base. Heero even had one of his own. They all did, all the Gundam pilots that is.

He closed the door up behind him, leaning against it. A sigh slipped through his lips, as he clenched his eyes shut.

"Everything alright?"

Heero's eyes shot open. "Hn."

"You look pale."

There was no reply. Heero couldn't even believe that Trowa had said more than five words to him at once. He hadn't… done that since before the amnesia. But then again, Trowa didn't remember anything of them before the amnesia. "I'm fine," he said, the usual perfect soldier voice.

"What's wrong?"

"What is this, a goddamn interrogation?" Heero slammed his hand against the frame of the door, thrusting himself past the taller pilot.

"You just never seem to happy after coming back from… staying with Relena."

Heero stopped suddenly. Why are you rubbing salt in my wounds? "There's nothing wrong between Relena and I. I just… need some air."

There was silence for a moment between the both of them. "I'm sorry for asking." He could hear Trowa's footsteps continuing down the hallway.

"Where… are you going, Trowa?" Heero asked quietly.

"I'm going to see Quatre."

Heero started walking again, trying to get as far away from that idea as possible. Quatre and Trowa… those two together… always.

--

"You can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?" Heero retorted quickly to Duo's declaration.

"Coming and going, out of her bed, into her bed. It shouldn't be such a hard decision." He was sitting there staring at the Japanese boy sitting on his bed, head in hands.

"How would you know, Duo?"

"Hey, I'm only here to listen to you blubber about your fucked life. I'm not saying I know anything." He hid away his usual baka smile, replacing it with this serious glare.

"...I just don't love her..." he finally said in reply.

"Did you tell her that?"

Heero rolled his eyes. "You're saying she'd listen?"

"Relena's a pretty sensible girl, Heero, you just have to explain this all to her."

"God damnit, Duo, she wants a family. She wants me to marry her. I'm not that kind of guy." He'd finally let it all slip, almost not fully on purpose. "Fuck," he said under his breath.

"A what?" Duo exclaimed, almost not surprised, but not expecting it.

"She wants everything I'm not giving." Heero looked up at Duo, frowning deeply. "You know this is about the sex, nothing more. I never asked... for real commitment, or said I'd give it myself. She dreams up these white picket fences... and it makes me sick."

"Because you're still not over him."

Heero growled suddenly. "No one asked you to bring him into this."

"It's the truth." Duo rolled his eyes. "Jesus, Heero, just forget about both of them."

"She's easy... but him..." Heero sighed. "I'm just so empty. She fills that spot for one night, each night. He filled it every time our eyes met, every time he touched me, every time-"

"Okay, too romantic there, Hee-chan." Duo actually grinned this time. "Told him so?"

"He knows."

"Erm... Hee-chan, he had amnesia, don't you think that does something to a guy?"

"He knows." Heero repeated himself, this time sharper. "I wish he knew it all..."

--

Heero went to round the corner but stopped short. He saw Quatre, his body in the doorframe. Heero moved back slowly behind the corner, concealing himself in order to listen.

"Trowa, come on!"

"Quatre..." his voice was soft, sending a small buzzing through Heero's brain.

"You're so boring, Trowa, please, try to have a little fun!"

"I can't, Quatre..."

"You're so gloomy."

"So?" Trowa was sounding a little resentful.

There was a silence, not even the sound of feet shuffling. Heero supposed they were holding each other, but he couldn't bring himself to look. "You're remembering things again, aren't you?"

"A little bit." Trowa's voice seemed uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?"

"Quatre... did I used to spend a lot of time with Heero?"

"Heero?" Heero's heart stopped as Quatre questioned it. Was he remembering? "For a while, yes, you did. He seems to have... shied away from you."

"I'm remembering things... that happened between us."

There was no reply for some time. Heero supposed that Quatre was confused. They'd never told anyone about the two of them... he didn't even think Trowa had let it slip to Quatre before his accident. "Things?" he had finally managed to squeak out.

"It's nothing." Trowa finally shrugged it off. Heero could hear his footsteps across the floor. "I'll be back later, okay?"

"Hm, sure." Quatre's voice wasn't so sure.

Heero slipped down the wall, wrapping his arms around his knees. He remembers? He remembers the things that have happened between the two of us? And... he's still saying with Quatre. He almost felt like crying. But, damnit I won't cry.

"Heero?"

He looked up slowly, seeing her face. It was the last thing he wanted to see. His stomach twisted into another knot, and he felt sick again. "Relena."

"I've been looking for you."

"Why?"

"Will you be staying again tonight?"

The emptiness was eating at him again... and he could use her warmth... but he couldn't stand it another night. "No."

"What? Why?"

"Because I don't want to anymore." Finally, a decision. I can't have Trowa, but then I won't have her either. I don't want her. She was a sad substitution.

"I can't believe you!" She had started to ramble and yell on at him. Something about using her, something about love, something about everything that just made no sense to Heero.

He stood up abruptly, grabbing her arms, demanding her attention. "I'm an asshole. I'm cold. I'm awful. I'm sorry. I don't need a fucking lecture. I don't love you." He threw his arms off of hers and stormed down the hallway, trying to clear his head before opening his door.

Heero stopped at the door, hitting his head against it a few times. She'll be back. She never gives up. He ran his fingers against the door. Why, if she won't give up, did he? Argh, I'm such an idiot. He slammed his head again, this time very hard. His fingers finally reached for the doorknob and cracked it open, groping the walls in the dark sitting room.

He finally found the light-switch and flipped it. His heart practically wrenched from his chest. "What... what the hell are you doing here?"

Trowa didn't speak. He left a piece of paper on the table in his sitting room and began to walk past him, straight for the door. Heero went to grab for him, but Trowa dodged, still without a word. Heero stopped trying to catch him and stood there, his hands already starting to shake. "Trowa, please don't go." he caught himself saying right before Trowa was out the door.

The footsteps stopped for a moment, the sound of a turn. He felt a few fingers gently caress the nape of his neck, sending a warm sensation down his spine, and a small moan from his mouth. The warmth was abruptly taken away and the footsteps took themselves out of the room, not pausing another moment for one of Heero's requests.

He let himself indulge in the memory of the touch for a while, trying to remember the extreme warmth, and extreme feeling that he had actually experienced one again. Slowly he brought himself out of the dream and over to the table, eager to see what, if anything, Trowa had written on the paper.

I'm remembering things.

Touches.

Embraces.

Kisses.

Heero, are they real?

Did you really... say things like that to me?

Heero crumpled it in his fist, his teeth clenched, his hands shaking. "You should have stayed, I would have showed you how real they were..."