The sun was shining. The birds were singing. Ciel had herpes.

"My dear, dear, Ciel, it is not my fucking fault."

"Yes, it is."

"No fucking way."

"Well, it's not mine, if anyone should be responsible, it would be you."

"How is it my fault that you have an STD," deadpanned Sebastian.

"Well, you were the one who suggested fucking to get rid of all the demon bad guys," grumbled Ciel, glaring at his demon butler.

"You shouldn't have taken me seriously you should have fucking known better," yelled Sebastian. "That doesn't change the fact that you had herpes and didn't tell me!" rejoined Ciel, just as angrily.

At this point they tore each other's remaining clothes off, continuing to fuck themselves unconscious.

The next morning Ciel woke up to find his herpes had gotten worse. Apparently doing anything with his butler, including hot steamy gay sex, made everything worse. Suddenly, the butler and his charge heard servants screaming and saw pink sparkles seeping under the door. It was, of course, Lizzy, who had conveniently appeared for the sake of the plot, because of course Lizzy doesn't really get a significant role or developed personality in the anime. Sigh. Ciel looked around, and Sebastian was gone.

"Lizzy, can you do me a favor?" Ciel asked, taking off his shirt in a way we know he thought was sexy, but was actually just kind of gross. Lizzy didn't seem to care.

"I'll do anything for you, Ciel," she said cutely, batting her fake eyelashes at the speed of light.

Ciel kissed her like a Hoover vacuum, energetically sucking her lips off her face before throwing her onto the bed, "Thanks, you're a really gosh dang great fiancé thing…"

Later in the day, Sebastian knocked on the door with the afternoon tea, opening it a crack. Ciel was in bed with Lizzy, fucking her with an expression on his face like he was being forced to read Das Capital, War and Peace, and circa-1905 physics textbooks all in one sitting. Lizzy's screams of pleasure were all too clearly audible. The butler stopped, vomited a little into a teapot, then closed the door and moved on. Ciel came running out, buttfucking naked.

"Oh thank god. I was getting tired of fucking her. I gave the herpes to her. Me, Ciel, is now 100% STD free!"

Sebastian stared at him.

—-

A/N: Ok finally fixed this damn thing after like 2 years also mad credits to whoever gets the book of mormon reference