It wasn't intentional, not something she set out to do or planned in the dark hours of the night when thought and temptation intertwine so seamlessly that it's almost offensive to separate the two. It's certainly not what she wanted, not something she would have chosen if given the choice. But when does life ever give you a choice? When does love? She would have said no, she's pretty sure. Maybe. Less sure, these days. It hurts and in the sting, the echo of her declination burns but it hurts so good that she has to admit… maybe she would have said yes.
There was no choice, no conscious thought, no concrete intention behind falling in love with Alice Cullen. It just happened, even when she can't be sure if it was gradual or all at once. If it happened the instant their eyes met across the cafeteria or if it was some quiet, tender moment between the two. She's not sure if it was Alice's smile - brilliant and bright with sorrow hidden just behind the fangs. If it was her eyes - curious and playful but oh so focused and intense, aware… always aware. Maybe it had been her laugh? Melodic joy to ease the pain of existence that haunts Bella's soul. Or perhaps it had just been Alice. Kind, smart, mischievous Alice. Bella's best friend, the person she would do anything for, give up anything for.
She's not sure when, or how, or why… Bella just knows that she's in love with Alice.
.
.
.
"Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt?"
An echo of her thoughts and Bella freezes, feels her muscles lock up and her heart stutter still. She knows. Gods, how does she know? Is it obvious? Had Bella said something? She's taken such care to keep her secret, an arduous task in a house with a psychic, a telepath, and an empath. Impossible, really. There are no secrets in the Cullen Manor - it had been joked the first time she came around, but the smiles were tight and there was a flash of frustration in everyone's eyes. And still, she tries, because Bella? Oh, Bella is such a good liar. So talented is she that she manages to convince herself most days, so perfected are her lies, truth lingering daringly close in their shadows. Nobody lies like Bella.
So how does Alice know?
"No," Bella sighs out simply and slides the knife down through the carrot. She can feel golden eyes boring into the side of her face, makes sure her mask never slips - it never slips, not once, not ever. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a masochist."
"Are you quite sure?" Alice asks and Bella doesn't know which answer she's questioning. They're both factually untrue anyway, so she merely shrugs and keeps slicing the carrots. "I have," Alice continues thoughtfully and Bella relaxes. These are musings, nothing more. No accusations. "I do, actually, all the time. I want so much from life, Bella, I can hardly wrap my head around anyone possibly wanting nothing from it."
If it isn't a perfect analogy for the two of them, Bella doesn't know what is. Night and Day, Up and Down, Happy and Unhappy. (She's not sad, of course - sadness is something very much different, sadness is so potent she chokes on it some days. It doesn't last though, nothing ever does.) "It seems very unlikely that we'd be such good friends."
The word is released so much smoother than it feels. Sharp with blades that cut her throat coming up, that dig into her gums so stubbornly one might think she'd sworn to never, ever breathe the word aloud.
Bella is a very good liar.
And Alice hums. She digs her fingers into the counter and Bella knows her well enough that she can tell Alice is physically stopping herself from twirling in place. Instead, she leans into Bella's side and rests her head against a warm shoulder. "Hardly," she disagrees. "If we live a thousand lives, there isn't a single one where I don't love you, Bella."
"I think there's four that I'm not terribly fond of you."
Alice gasps but even as dramatic as she is, she can't stop the giggle that sneaks in. "Bella, you wound me!"
"Would that I could," Bella murmurs with a curl to her lips and wiggles her fingers. "Mortal, and all that."
"The most stubborn mortal I've ever met." A beat passes between them and she can feel Alice's gaze again. Feels it trace her profile, feels all of her nerves pool to the surface of her skin anywhere the two make contact. Bella focuses on her breathing, keeping it steady, dropping carrot pieces into the pan. Doesn't let her eyes flutter when Alice reaches up to tuck back a lock of hair that came loose from her tie, doesn't lean down and into those fingers that brush across her cheek. "The most beautiful, stubborn, unhappy mortal I've ever met."
Brown eyes drag themselves up from the pan to collide with gold - smouldering, intense gold. The kind of gold she could spread across her walls, could live in, could drown in, and never get enough. "I'm not the worst at math, either," she says quietly.
The intensity softens into something with less heat, more fondness. A gentle adoration and Bella burns. "Are you okay, Bella?"
"Of course." She looks back down to her vegetables simmering in the pan.
Lying to Alice is maybe the hardest. It's difficult not to scream the truth when asked of it so softly, so sweetly. She would carve out her own heart and hand it to the pixie if Alice asked.
But the truth is more precious than her heart.
(The truth is her heart.
How long has she been carving?)
"Is Edward being mean again?" Alice wonders with something like disappointment in her tone. She sees all - Bella forgets sometimes, Alice can see what no one else can. How easily might she spot a deflection?
"No, he is wonderful. I don't think he's capable of being mean."
"I don't think you'd notice if he was. If anyone was, for that matter."
She hums with interest and stirs her vegetables.
Alice stares down at her fingers, tapping against the counter. "I think you're so mean to yourself that everything else feels like a kindness."
"Did Jasper tell you that?" Bella asks steadily. Another talent or maybe just an aspect of the same - she knows Renee hates it, hates it so much she can't stand arguing against it. How controlled Bella can be, how unflappable.
(Untouchable. Empty. Broken.)
At the mention of his name, Alice leans forward against the counter instead of pressed against Bella. She's patient too, though, she's had one hundred years to learn her own control. Bella thinks she's maybe never seen a Cullen lose their cool before, and can understand why Jake and the others call them statues. "No, it's my own speculation. Am I wrong?"
"Yes." Bella smiles - a crook to the corner of her lips and raises her gaze to catch Alice's. Relief floods her eyes, fingers digging into the counter, and she leans ever so closer. "I don't know if I should be concerned or offended that's what you think of me."
"Neither, I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
She blinks and looks away and - gods, there's that disappointment again. The dying light of a hope she can't understand, can't decode. Always there, always flaring up in moments like these.
She'll never be what Alice wants. Never enough. Always disappointing. (Of course she is, it's the only thing she's good at - besides lying. Besides betraying those closest to her, besides spreading pain and hurt to souls much purer than her own. That, she's so very good at. Destruction and ruin, like an old god of erosion. Decadence in her eyes, and poison in her heart.
She would only drag Alice down.
Down to the level of a mortal that can't even be a person most days.
She is… nothing.)
"Ow, Jesus fuck!" she gasps and drops the frying pan. It clangs against the element and she sucks on the tender skin where her palm and index finger meet, feeling the burn sink in deeper and deeper.
Alice startles from her own thoughts and is dragging Bella across the room in a heartbeat, turning on the cold water. "Clumsy girl," she chastises quietly. "Keep it under the water, Esme has ointment for burns."
At once, Bella is alone in the kitchen. No time to tell Alice not to bother, no time to tell her she likes the pain. No time to defend against the thought - would Alice even understand that the sharp sting of a physical pain distracts from the ever-present ache in her chest? That ignorance is bliss and only when she hurts, can she breathe?
Probably not. Who knows if vampires even feel pain anymore.
So she stands at the sink and stares into the running water. Silently marvels at the conflicting sensations of her burning skin and where it's going numb across her hand. Gods, that's cold water.
"What are you thinking?" Alice asks and Bella blinks, looks up with mild surprise. She didn't even realize the pixie had returned. "You have the most thoughtful look on your face. You usually do," she explains and gently dabs at Bella's hand with a dish towel. "But you're farther away right now."
"I'm not sure."
Their tones are weirdly hushed in the silent house. A bubble of quiet and it feels like a hug or protection. Dulls the sharp noise of the world - a world where Alice is Jasper's and Bella is alone.
The pixie bobs her head in a nod and sets the dish towel on the counter. It's not really an answer, what Bella gave her, but she takes it all the same. Never complains about how bad Bella is at conversations. How weird she acts when she's drowning in her own thoughts. "This might hurt."
It doesn't.
(It does, but she likes it.)
Alice's hands are strong. They could punch through a wall or lift a car, they could kill and they have killed… but they're so gentle. She holds Bella's hand, palm up, while her thumb rubs the ointment into her warm skin. Firm but gentle, in soothing circles with just enough pressure to feel but not enough to sting. She even feels warm against Bella's achingly cold hand. It's… nice.
Shockingly, it's not often that Bella gets to stare so openly at Alice. There is always someone else around. The house is absolutely crammed full between all of them, school is infested with busybodies desperate for gossip, and Bella doesn't often invite people to her house. She's not sure why - it just feels like an intrusion, like they're too close. (Of course, exceptions are made when Alice requests sleepovers.)
Here in this moment, with just the two of them and the four walls of the house, Bella feels oddly bold. Her gaze lingers on Alice, the way her black spikes fall across her face and obscure her eyes. Her pale, pale skin marked only by the scar of her Bite peeking up over the collar of her shirt. The way golden eyes stare at her hand and right through it - a vision, perhaps? Her lips are pressed together, brows furrowed and, no, it must be thought that's stolen her attention.
Not that Bella's complaining, not when Alice holds her hand and leans into her, tracing her fingers along the lines of Bella's palm. Not when goosebumps raise up along Bella's arms and jittery energy drips down her spine.
"I want to make you feel good," Alice says thoughtfully. Bella blinks and opens her mouth but no words come out. What words? What does someone say to that? How is she supposed to respond? She can't. The words - her words are choked in the heat of an intimate look trapped between the two of them. Alice's thumb traces Bella's lifeline in her palm. "I want to make you feel so good that you forget how unhappy you are even for an hour."
So. Yeah.
Bella licks her lips and Alice's eyes flick to them, the grip on her hand tightens and cool fingertips drag up past her palm and over her pulse. She tilts her head and Alice catches the corner of her own smile between her teeth - more mischief. Tracing a path higher and higher, up towards Bella's elbow. So close she has to look up at Bella, so close that Bella can count the flecks of lighter gold in her eyes, so close that Bella breathes bubblegum and something uniquely Alice.
"Something smells good!"
Quicker than she can blink, Alice is back at the stove and stirring the mix. The picture of innocence and ignorance, her smile serene and soft. She even bounces on her toes when Esme sets her bags on the island. "Bella and I are making a stir fry!"
"Oh, how lovely," Esme says and leans over her shoulder to take a look. She glances at Bella curiously until the human clears her throat and turns back to the sink. "It's coming along wonderfully, I have a suggestion though. Alice, can you run Carlisle's present up to the room while I show Bella the magic of garlic?"
"Of course."
Again, she moves so quickly and so gracefully, but Bella was already taking a step. Cutting in front of her towards the stove, and holds up her hand. Winces, flexing the burn, and glances back up at her friend. "Alice," she says softly, very aware her surrogate mother is not three feet away. So she merely says, "you do," and steps up beside Esme.
Alice bounces once more before she leaves.
.
.
.
Stony fingers dig into the knots and muscles of Bella's back, dragging down, down, down and off the sides of her hips. She groans into the mattress, squeezing her eyes shut, and strangles the noises in her throat.
Alice chuckles above her, leaning forward to run her hands up Bella's back. "It's okay," she teases. Presses down and out along Bella's arms, working out each and every kink, all the tightness in her muscles. "It's supposed to feel good. I might even be a little offended if you didn't make noise."
"Okay."
She can feel Alice's smile, and can definitely feel Alice straddle her ass. "You're not going to make another sound, are you?" she scoffs playfully and drags her fingers down through the knots again. Bella thanks any gods listening that her face is buried against the mattress, that Alice can't see her blush. "Fine, fine, be that way. I'll just have to try harder."
Another choked groan tries to force its way up her throat but Bella swallows it back down. Digs her hands into the mattress and stares at the headboard, counting lines in the wood. She will not moan under Alice. She will not moan under Alice. No matter how… provocative the purr Alice adds to her words. It's all in her mind, anyway. This isn't real. Alice is just giving her a massage.
A friendly massage between friends. Bella is seeing things that aren't there, reading too much into them. It's a bad habit.
(It's the reason she's "so damn mopey" all the time, according to Renee.
How can life ever measure up when you live in fantasies?)
"Can I ask you a weird question?" Alice breaks the silence and runs her hands back up Bella's sides. They both ignore the way her shirt rides up, the shiver that unfurls up Bella's spine when Alice continues beneath the thin fabric.
Bella clenches her jaw and breathes deeply through her nose. "When has it being weird ever stopped you from asking?"
Maybe Alice sighs at the steady edge of her voice, maybe Alice hates how untouchable she is, just as much as Renee. Maybe depression is as good a liar as Bella.
"That's true," Alice agrees with a lilt in her voice. She hums softly, leaning forward to knead Bella's shoulders. Digs her fingers into the soft, warm flesh and unravels the knots. "You have a scar on your back."
"Is that your question? You only get one."
"Have I mentioned how much I like you?" Alice grins and leans forward just a little bit more to press a chaste kiss against Bella's cheek. She leans back, settling against Bella's ass (not thinking about it, truly not thinking about it) and taps her fingertips against Bella's lower back like a piano. "That's not my question either."
"Well, get on with it," Bella mumbles into the bed. "I don't have all of eternity."
"Not yet."
"Hmm?"
Alice laughs again - softly, not quite a giggle and it trails off into a sigh. She swirls her fingers against Bella's skin in some flourished doodle. "Bella, are you a top or a bottom?"
Lightning crackles up Bella's spine and her eyes shoot open. Her heartbeat echoes like thunder in her ears, the blood rushing to her head making it hard to think. She said. She said that, didn't she? Alice just really, actually, literally just asked her that? Is she breathing?
"You're not breathing," the pixie informs her helpfully. Slides her hands up Bella's sides, fingers dancing along her ribs, and taps. "It's a weird thing to ask, isn't it?"
It's not fair, how little she trusts her own head. This can't truly be happening. Or… it's not how it seems. It's innocent. It must be.
Alice walks her fingers up Bella's bare back, elicits a trail of goosebumps in their wake before pressing her palm flat. "I have a feeling you're a bottom," she says with that same rhythmic lilt in her voice, and rolls her hips down against Bella.
The lightning strikes again and Bella lifts her face as a gasp is ripped from her throat. Sweet fucking Jesus.
The bed vibrates and it takes a second before it clicks, before she realizes the vibration is coming from Alice. Her mind whirls and Alice slides her hands farther up Bella's back, squeezing her thighs and rocking her hips again. "I want to make you feel so good that you forget how unhappy you are," she purrs.
"I'm not," Bella chokes - on the lie, on the moan, who the hell knows. She squeezes her eyes shut, body trembling in her restraint. This still must be…
It can't…
A joke, maybe.
"A bottom?" Alice hums against her ear. So close Bella can feel the grin on her face just as surely as the vibration against her back. "Or unhappy? I don't believe either."
Her heart pounds painfully in her chest, hard enough to pulse in her fingertips. She bites her lip until the words come up, until thought wanders closer again. "Why?" she asks - breaks off into a groan when Alice presses a soft, slow kiss against her neck. A pulse of want blazes from Alice's lips against her skin, looping around her heart, and settling in the centre of her being. Not exactly a safe place for a vampire to linger but Bella is so far gone from caring.
It's not a vampire leaving open-mouthed kisses down towards her shoulder, it's Alice. It's Alice.
"Alice," she sighs and drops her head to the side. An offering, an offering of anything. Of everything. Her life, her love, and all that's in between. "Please."
"I knew it." The words are mumbled against her neck but no less delighted. "You are a bottom." It's sinfully delicious, the way Alice grinds down against her again, the purr that turns into a rumble in her chest. Alice's cool hand slides between the bed and Bella's overheated stomach, fingers dipping just beneath the hem of her jeans and briefs. Bella's breath catches - and she's spun so quickly that the room blurs together.
It's too easy to sink back into the bed, to stare up at Alice and those black, black eyes. Give in, just give in, to let yourself have this one thing. A lazy, cocky grin tugs her lips up and Bella balls the sheets in her fists, arching her head back when Alice slips a thigh between her own and continues her rocking hips. Stars and planets, entire galaxies explode beneath Bella's eyelids listening to the noises Alice makes as she grinds against the human's thigh. She needs an anchor, something to hold steady in a sea of pleasure. Bella grabs her hips, digs her fingers into marble flesh - petite but oh so strong, another shock of lightning shooting through her every time Alice's thigh digs against her. "Alice, I - ah - please..."
"Tell me," Alice gasps and grabs Bella's hands. Guides them beneath her shirt, to a stone stomach as they move against each other. The coil tightens - a serpent of pleasure and desire, carnal cravings that rumble from a long-dormant beast. "Tell me, Bella."
"Please."
Pale fingers blur up her shirt, buttons torn carelessly and tossed aside. "The human body is exquisite," she says (please. Please, no. It's familiar. Too familiar. All of it.) Black eyes leave a scorching trail down her chest, the button of Bella's pants popped faster than a bullet. "And you are so very human, Bella…"
"Alice." It's not real. It's not. She has to know - reality is hard and sharp, Bella is a skilled liar, and she uses them both so well, she weaves them together like a master seamstress. But not like this.
She won't have Alice unless Alice will have her.
For real.
So she grits her teeth, clenching her jaw so tightly that she can see stars blink in through her bedroom ceiling. Shivers against the chilly breeze and Alice's skin on her bare abdomen, looks down to watch pale hands run up over her ribs towards her bra. It's not fair. The sight of Alice's hands on her skin, the goosebumps that raise and feel so real. It's not fair. "Alice," she repeats in a voice so rough she might as well have growled.
"Please." The word echoes back at her, soft and frail, on the verge of breaking when she catches Alice's wrists and holds them in place. The pixie pulls and Bella follows, sits up until their noses almost bump. The smile is… sad. Fractured, and she tilts her head. Pushes harder for cheer. "Don't you want me?"
Gentle in this quiet moment, Bella reaches up to touch the tear that rolls down Alice's cheek. She smiles and stares into those eyes, those lovely, lovely eyes, until she rests her forehead against Alice's.
"So badly it hurts."
In a heartbeat and a quick intake of breath, Bella's eyes fly open and she stares up at her bedroom ceiling. Her bed is cold and empty besides herself, her room hard and sharp. Apathetic to her struggle, indifferent to her pain and desire. Alice isn't here, and she is alone.
Life… sucks.
.
.
.
"It's getting worse, isn't it?"
They walk along the lonely road, the pavement wet with fresh rain, the puddles rippling as they pass. Alice balances up on the curb, spinning beneath her umbrella as she pays no mind to the possibility of falling. Beside her, on the road and level with her, Bella follows along with her hands in her pockets and rain soaking through her coat.
She glances up, blinking through the water in her eyes, and flashes an amused grin at the vampire. "What makes you say that?"
Really, if she isn't the picture of a cry for help…
"You know, I was the nurse practitioner on a number of sleep studies in the seventies," Alice says thoughtfully. Taps her chin and looks over at Bella. "I know some techniques and failing that, I could speak with Carlisle about a prescription."
"Maybe." It's mumbled and noncommittal, and Alice sighs softly. "Are you going to the dance?"
"You mean the Winter Formal?"
Bella rolls her eyes so severely it almost hurts. "I'll call it winter when there's snow on the ground."
"Nobody has asked me," Alice teases and looks expectantly at her.
"Uh. Are you not just going with Jasper?"
The casual degree with which she says his name would impress even the most stoic of mountains. She's maybe a little bit proud of herself and perks up infinitesimally.
Alice tilts her head again, as if she can see the change. Her eyes shine a little brighter, her smile warmer, and shakes her head. "He hasn't asked yet. I don't make the rules, Bella, I just follow them. I'm not bound until someone asks."
Her heartbeat echoes in her chest, hard enough to feel and throw off her balance. What would it say, if she asked right now? What idea would that give Alice? And what would it do between the two vampires? Could she laugh it off as a joke, bow out from coming between the two of them? Is it even possible to come between the two of them?
Is that what Alice wants? Why else would she say it?
"Alice," Bella croaks and swallows against her dry throat. The pixie lifts her golden eyes, bright and intense, a heavy gaze that Bella can feel. A single eyebrow bounces up, painted lips curving in a smile. "Will you go to the dance with me?"
Rain drips from the umbrella and Alice lifts her hand, waits only a moment before Bella holds it with her warmer one, and laces their fingers. "I would love to."
They don't let go until they reach the manor.
.
.
.
It really does rain often in Forks. Bella likes it - all of the grey and all of the green, that nothing is ever truly dry, how fresh it all remains, and the lullaby it sings. There's an aesthetic to it, melancholic maybe, people assume it's because she's "so damn sad" but she's not sure that's accurate.
She just really likes the rain.
"What will you wear?" she asks idly, breaking the tranquil silence of her room.
Bella lays across her bed, head hanging just enough off the side to stare back at her window and the raindrops that gather there. With her, Alice lays along the length so she can lounge back into Bella's side while she reads her book, and the two have been like this for almost an hour now.
(She's not sure, but she thinks that's maybe love. Caring about someone, enjoying them enough to simply exist near them. To be able to do your own things separately but together.
Too many people have to fill her silence.
Too many people need a reason to be with her.)
"It's a surprise," Alice tells her without looking up from the pages. Her brows slowly furrow, though, Bella studies the worry that creases them. "Do you think it will get better or worse when I bite you?"
"I think you think more about it than I do."
Another beat goes by and Alice turns just enough to meet her gaze before Bella drops her head back and stares out the window. "How could I not? Am I supposed to ignore you as you drown?"
"Most people do."
A rumble grows in her chest. "A plague of indifference darkens the heart of humanity."
"I figure they'd just rather not focus on something they can't change or fix," Bella replies lightly. Silence echoes off the walls of her room, Alice doesn't move, and Bella wonders if it's possible to drive her vampire away. "I'd be difficult to put up with forever if it got worse than this."
Finally, Alice moves to turn onto her side. She grabs Bella's hand between hers, nuzzling her cheek against the human's soft stomach. "Don't say things like that. Besides, haven't you heard the youth today? Melancholy is sexy."
"That's not melancholy," Bella scoffs. "That's black clothes and pouty faces. Depression is not showering for a month because you can't find the point of life or arguing against your metaphorical finger on the metaphorical trigger of the metaphorical gun you hold against your metaphorical head."
"I could get you a sticker book."
Bella cracks a smile and sighs deep enough to jostle Alice. "You're such an ass."
"Sticker books cheer everyone up. Every twenty years, I'll get you a really nice one," Alice tells her and lifts Bella's hand to kiss her knuckles.
(This is love. This is definitely love. What else could it be?)
But her instinct kicks in, the natural urge to ruin her own life. To destroy what good lingers too close, and lash out against the comfort she refuses. "And what do you get Jasper?"
Why does she do this?
Why is she like this?
Alice hums and turns onto her back again, stares up at the ceiling while Bella pictures the beast on her chest. Tries to give it shape, give a form to the agony that claws at her heart. Purple eyes, maybe. Big teeth, sharper claws.
Claws of regret and envy that sink into her skin, anchors of her own destruction. She's so tired of tearing herself apart day after day.
She also can't stop.
"Stuff, I don't know. He doesn't like gifts."
"I don't like gifts," Bella deadpans.
It's a real issue they have.
"But I love giving them so you let me," Alice says. Her lips spread in a smile and she rolls again, to lay beside Bella and mimic her position. "Because you love me."
Bella scoffs again. "You're alright. I don't hate spending time with you."
"You adore me."
"Like, I wouldn't go out of my way to kick your ass."
"You're obsessed with me."
"You know what, I could be persuaded to go out of my way to kick your ass."
Alice's smile is a full-blown grin, big enough to make her eyes crinkle happily. She hugs Bella's hand to her chest. "Is that all?"
"Don't you want me?"
That blush that blooms in her cheeks is strong and she watches the inky pools flood Alice's eyes until they go black. Feels the grip on her hand tighten, almost imperceptible. Her heart slams against her chest and Alice's grin smooths into something… different. She's not sure, exactly, how to describe it other than it makes her feel like a mouse before a cat.
"What are you reading?" she asks weakly.
Graceful and fluid, Alice pushes off her elbow to lean over Bella, catching her weight on her palm against the bed on Bella's other side. "I've been reading it for an hour," she murmurs. The tips of her hair tickle Bella's red cheeks, the weight of her body along the human's. "You really haven't noticed the title?"
"Distracted," Bella tries not to whisper, tries really hard not to whisper.
Her smile is full of fangs and - predatory! It's predatory, that's the word Bella couldn't think of. That, and fucking hot. Yeah. Definitely those. "Distracted by what?" Alice leans down to brush her nose against an overheated cheek, a soft rumble in her chest against Bella's. "What has you smelling oh so delicious, darling?"
"Nothing." Fuck, okay, so maybe she's not the best fucking liar all the time. "Alice, maybe we should-"
Those black pits flick up to her, Alice pulls back to look at her. There's no conscious thought between Bella reaching up to tuck her hair out of her face, no reason good enough to leave her hand there and trace Alice's cheekbone with her thumb. Definitely no reason for Alice to lean into her hand, to lose the heated look for a more earnest one. "What should we do, Bella?"
(Her mind is playing tricks again. There is no fragile, desperate tone in her voice.)
"Make good choices."
Alice's brows begin to furrow.
So Bella leans up very suddenly and more or less catches the vampire in her lap while trying to slide out from beneath her. "You know, Freaky Friday. Let's watch a movie or something. I'll make popcorn. You can pick."
"Bella," Alice calls after her, makes her pause and turn in the doorway. Alice still sits half on the bed, confused and concerned - maybe, she doesn't focus on her face long enough to decipher it. Besides, Alice is good at rolling with the punches, with weirdness. This isn't that bad. "What should I choose?"
Her fingers dig into the doorframe and the smile is tight, but it's there. "I'm not sure. I'll be here though," she replies awkwardly. "Whatever you decide."
.
.
.
It wasn't that long ago when Bella would have called you a fucking liar if you told her she would be going to a high school dance. She might even have punched you - two years she expertly avoided any invitations, group or private, to go to these damn things. Six more months and she would have completed her academic career never having stepped foot in one. It was almost a point of pride, she'd almost sidestepped every high school clichè in the book.
But Alice loves clichès and Bella loves Alice, and she supposes this was as inevitable as a sunrise. Alice is as inevitable as a sunrise.
Still, that doesn't stop her from scowling at classmates that get too close. That perk up with interest and wander over to ask her… god, she doesn't even know what they want from her. Just that she absolutely refuses to give it. She has no time and no patience for people who only show interest after the sun goes down.
"You're never going to make friends if you don't stop glaring at everyone," Alice tells her fondly when she returns.
She's handed a plastic champagne chute of juice and dies just a little bit inside, but Alice's eyes glow in the dimly lit gym, her painted lips haven't faded from her frown all night, and her cheeks sparkle so charmingly that even Bella feels lighter. "I made friends with Emmett and Edward just fine, didn't I?"
"Oh, right, because those are golden standards. Neither of them have had friends outside the family in well over four decades." The burn is absolute and relentless, much like Alice herself, and Bella cracks a smile. She's not sure how Alice does it, how she makes everything a little more bearable. It's a gift - she's a gift. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Bella hides her blush behind her chute and jerks her chin out towards the room. "Is it everything you imagined it would be?"
"If you've seen one, you've seen them all," Alice declares with her hands on her hips. She nods to herself, gaze sweeping across the fully packed room. "A little sad."
"Then why are we here?!"
"You asked me."
"You wanted me to ask you!" Bella exclaims and whirls on her. Grinds her teeth as she realizes what she's said, and glances at Alice. "Didn't you?"
Honey gold invites her in, in, in as it consumes thought and reason. Bella falls further, harder, faster. "Very much," Alice agrees quietly.
Bella taps her fingertips against her thigh and blinks. Looks away, breaks whatever it is that's always there between them, that… that pull, that charge. That tether. "One dance isn't that bad to endure," she says.
"You could have fooled me. People are crowding my family's table rather than risking sitting at yours."
Considering the one table berth they give the Cullens in the cafeteria, that's saying something. Bella bounces her eyebrows and looks around her bubble of space, feels her smirk form and breathes just a little bit easier. "That's kinda nice."
"You're such an odd bird," Alice laughs and leans into her side. Stares up at her with glowing adoration. "Will you dance with me?"
To Alice's surprise - her eyes widen and a delighted smile is pulled from her, Bella holds out her hand and sets down her drink. "Yup."
"That was easier than I thought it would be."
"What can I say, I'm an accommodating date."
"Do you know how to dance?"
"Have you met Renee?" And she realizes Alice hasn't, that Alice barely knows Charlie and he actually lives here. She follows the pixie out to the dance floor just as the bass fades, the lights change from red and orange to a soft purple and blue, and the rambunctious make way for the romantic. Bella slides her palm against Alice's hip to her lower back, feels the chill of Alice's hand on her shoulder through her shirt, and consciously puts in an effort not to squeeze their clasped hands. "She thought it would help with my grace or whatever. Make me less clumsy."
"I can't imagine you less clumsy," Alice replies with a twinkling smile. Her eyes are… happy. So happy. They shine so brightly with joy that it chases the shadows clinging to Bella like wraiths of sorrow. "You're too endearing like this."
"Fewer bruises would be nice."
Alice rolls her eyes. Presses closer to the human as they sway until Bella has to loop her arm around the small of her back instead. "That won't matter in a few months. Unless you change your mind."
"On forever?" she muses. Slowly twirls them away from a couple encroaching on their space, and looks out at the room. The students, the staff, the humans. A handful of decades left for most of them, the blink of an eye for the Cullens. Bella stopped feeling human long ago, she became something else. Something transient. Not quite one or the other, and the plan has always been to commit to one. To be bitten. Forever has always been the goal. On only one condition. "As long as you're there."
"Bella."
"Hm?"
Alice sighs and rests her head against Bella's shoulder, looping her arms around her hips. "You're far too patient for someone so young."
"And you're far too lovely to feel so sad." Bella presses a kiss in those chaotic spikes. "Everything will be okay, Ali."
"How do you know?"
Because she loves Alice. Because she will make it okay, for Alice's sake. Because even if it hurts forever, she will be okay if Alice is there, and all she wants is Alice to be happy. Whatever happens.
But that's not something she can just casually toss out there.
"It's a secret."
She doesn't have to see Alice's face to know she's smiling. "Are you the psychic now?"
"In fact, I am. I know all. I see all. Bow to my awesome might."
"Well, Oracle," Alice hums and pulls back to look up at the human. She takes a step back, catching her smile between her teeth, and steps back again when Bella follows her curiously. "I can only assume you planned this, then."
Not following but never one to admit defeat, Bella nods slowly. "Yes, of course. All part of my devious intellect."
"It is tradition and who am I to argue with tradition? I wouldn't want to offend," Alice says airily.
"I'm not sure I…" Alice glances up and Bella follows her line of sight, spotting the hanging cactus. No, cherries? What? Oh, mistletoe. Oh. Oh. "Oh," she echoes her thoughts.
Alice leans back against the door frame, against her hands pressed to her back. Kids laugh and chat outside, some are running around the field, others bringing blankets to sit and talk and hangout. The vampire watches Bella closely, smiling softly. "You truly are too cute for your own good."
"You're one to talk," she mutters automatically. Feels her blush boil up her neck, climbing towards her cheeks again. Bella watches Alice, looks past and out the door, and begs the universe for one clear sign. Just one. She just wants to know what she's supposed to do. "Should I kiss you?" she blurts.
Alice glances away, trying to tame her grin. "Oh, Bella. Do you want to?"
Don't you want me?
The Thunderbird in her chest soars, the beat of its wings flaming the embers of hope and want. The beast stretches its tired limbs, breathing in the steam of life, and the numb cloud that Bella struggles against every moment of the day fades and dissipates.
She feels alive. She feels alive.
It does nothing for the nerves, though. Bella braces her hand against the frame to hold her weight because her knees are fucking weak. She lifts her other to brush her fingertips against Alice's jaw, feather-light, and guide her back to meet her eyes. Drags her thumb down the vampire's jaw to her chin, flicks her eyes down to those sparkly blue lips. "May I kiss you, Alice?"
"Please."
She tilts Alice's chin up and leans down, brushing their lips together in a soft, sweet kiss. The embers glow, the wings beat harder, and the shadowy grip around her heart weakens.
Just as she pulls back, just as the nerves become too much, as disbelief and bliss begin to fade and reality tries to catch them, just as their lips pull apart - Alice presses forward. Her hand slips around the back of Bella's neck, holding her steady to kiss the human again. And again. And again.
Bella stumbles closer, her chest heaves and fingers tremble. Alice kisses her and that soft burn of hope, the smallest flame that keeps her warm in the dark, it erupts into an inferno. It hurts.
It hurts.
(It feels so good.)
She gasps in air - burning lungs scream for relief. Alice's tongue dips into her mouth, bubblegum assaults her senses, seeps in and in and in. Delirium rings in her ears and she sinks further, feels marble skin between her hands and digs her fingers in. She's not sure where the rumble comes, if it's from Alice or her, but she wants more.
More, give me more, give me more.
The noise Alice makes when she flicks her tongue, the surprised gasp and moan in the back of her throat echoes deep within Bella. Alice's nails dig into the back of Bella's neck, her shoulder, pulling her closer, always closer. She wants her.
Alice wants her...
She's married.
Alice is married.
Bella pulls back like she's been scalded. Drags in more air, blinking rapidly as the room returns to them. As life returns to them. Alice stares at her with black eyes and smudged lipstick and Bella stumbles back against the door frame behind her, sliding sideways into the gym. She touches her tingling lips, breathing deeply and trying to think.
Alice wants her.
"Bella…"
But Alice has Jasper.
Jasper is Alice's husband.
"Bella," the vampire clears her throat and steps forward, "Bella, I…"
Mike Newton gives them an odd look as he passes between them, heading outside.
Okay. She kissed Alice. Alice kissed her.
But Alice has Jasper and Alice is married to Jasper and Alice is with Jasper and Jasper. Jasper is there. He's there.
She's not sure who she is, what she is. Not human, not vampire, not a person most days. But she's definitely not this.
"I'm sorry," she whispers and staggers back. Bumps into Angela Webber who tries to ask if she's okay, and jogs off into the crowd of students.
She's not the person that ruins a marriage.
She's not the one who settles for scraps and afterthoughts.
"Bella, wait!"
.
.
.
Charlie bustles around the kitchen. Jams water bottles into his cooler and puts his sandwich in a baggie. His moustache twitches on his lip, a smile on his face when he catches Bella's look at the kitchen table. "You sure you don't wanna come fishing with us?"
"Do I ever want to go fishing with you?"
It might be snappy coming from someone else, could be misconstrued as malicious, but Charlie knows his kid. Knows it's an innocent response. Still, he bops her shoulder and heads for the door. "Nah, but you're not usually in such a good mood either."
"Is that a jab?" she grumbles and hugs her cup tighter.
Listens to him grunt and fall into the wall while he wrestles with his boots. "No, actually. Just noticed you've been… I dunno, lighter lately? Since your dance the other night."
"Oh."
Has she? She's felt like shit, does she really look better? Can she look better when it hurts this much?
(Yes.
Alice wants her. The giddiness in her fucking soul has been haunting her since their kiss. The flame refuses to dim, to die down, even as her heart throbs in pain.)
"Oh hey, kid," Charlie says at the front door and Bella didn't even realize anyone knocked.
She listens harder, leaning sideways in her seat to try and peek around the corner. "Hello, Chief Swan! Off fishing for the day?"
Bella's heart slams into her ribs again, kicking into overdrive. She hasn't seen Alice in two days, not since the dance.
It's… awkward, at the very least. Dangerous, at most. Painful, somewhere in the middle.
Almost as painful as avoiding Alice.
"Yup. It's, uh, a hobby. I guess. Obviously."
God, she hopes she doesn't sound like that.
(She does.)
"I have a feeling you're going to catch plenty today! I was wondering if I might steal Bella away, though."
"Have at her."
Bella snorts at his lack of grace and shakes her head, sighing deeply as they sidestep each other. She catches sight of Alice's coat and quickly draws back in her chair, like she wasn't eavesdropping… a little too eagerly.
The chair topples the opposite way and she spills out on the floor, knocking over the other chair. Her mug of coffee smashes against the floor on the other side of the table and she sighs.
This is a spectacular start.
"You're a mess."
Bella blinks and looks up at Alice standing above her. Makes no move to get up and instead slides her gaze to the underside of the table. This is a horrible start. Alice literally has the upper ground. "You're married."
"I'm not sure I could ever apologize properly for all of this." Alice smiles feebly, pulls the toppled chair to the side and kneels down beside her friend. "I am so sorry, Bella. I've done this completely the wrong way."
"You kissed me."
She nods. "I did. Did you like it?"
"I-" Bella frowns and tilts her head, scrutinizes Alice. "What a weird thing to ask. To ask me, right here. Right now. People don't ask that, they just hope it silently."
A shoulder lifts and falls in a shrug and Alice smiles. She fiddles with the zipper on Bella's hoodie in her hands, while not quite meeting her eye. "Well, I want to know and it seems silly to be embarrassed about asking."
"It was okay."
Alice smiles in an amused sort of way. "Just okay?"
Bella hums. "Nothing to write home about."
"Who's the ass now?"
"The one who is married and going around kissing their not-husbands."
Alice nods, tucks her chin against her chest and tries to keep the pain from her face. It doesn't work and the claws sink deeper in Bella's chest. "I've been with Jasper for many, many years," she says softly. "We've been happy for many, many years. I didn't think I could… have more. Feel more."
"That's great for you, Alice, I'm not trying to break-"
"Shh, I'm not done," Alice chuckles and presses her finger against Bella's lips. Her smile softens, tucking Bella's hair back. "I thought that he was it, Bella. I thought I was done searching, and so when I found you, I didn't even… realize. I just liked you. I liked you so, so much, and I thought we were friends."
"The best of friends."
"The best of friends," Alice agrees gently. "But I will punish you if you interrupt me again." Bella snorts and rolls her eyes, and Alice holds her hand instead. "I was confused, Bella. I was so certain he was it, so certain we were just friends, but you. You were there and so beautiful, so witty and charming, you understood me so instinctively. You didn't need mind reading or empathy or years of practice, we were just… perfect. Even when we're not, even when I ruin things, when you lash out, when we can't be in the same room together. We find each other again."
Bella blinks.
Waits.
Leans up on her elbows and slowly opens her mouth. "Is it my turn to ta-"
"I couldn't wait, Bella!" Alice gasps and the human flops back against the floor. Alice giggles and bounces and of course, even in a serious moment like this, she's her mischievous, playful self. Gods, Bella loves her. "I had to know if you felt the same but you're so hard to read. It took so long and by the time I finally knew… I couldn't hold back. I couldn't resist. When you kissed me, I just - I knew. It became clear. I wasn't confused anymore." She shakes her head sadly. "But I should have done this properly. I never meant to make you feel like… like you were something you're not. Like a side piece."
She twists to grab her bag, dragging it around to her lap. Bella watches her go through it, chewing on her lip. Thinks about the fact that she'd had that lip between her own not too long ago, and clenches her fists.
Alice pulls out a folder. "I want to do this right. I want this to be what you deserve, Bella. I want you. And I've filed for divorce with Jasper. I've explained the situation to him, we've… it's messy, I suppose, but not…" she shakes her head. "He understands, he can see it, can feel it. Bella, I love you. I want to be with you, please, and I know I've gone about this the wrong way, and you don't have to say you love me back, but please give me a chance."
One of the claws dislodges itself from her chest. Not just weaker, not just lessening its grip. One of them releases. The relief that blooms in her chest could put any flower to shame - her lungs expand and she breathes in easier for the first time in years, for as long as she can remember.
Even as she marvels over this, her eyes never leave Alice. Never leave the anxious look on the pixie's face, the fear and hope swirling in her honey gold eyes. "I guess I don't hate hanging out with you," she breathes.
Alice's eyes crinkle and she scoffs. "Oh good, that takes a load off my mind. Such a romantic."
"I don't hate the idea of being with you," she continues and leans up on her palms. Alice hums softly and leans closer, doesn't close the gap, but lingers nearby. Bella presses her forehead against Alice's and grins. "One could even argue that I'm stupidly in love with you, Alice."
Hope roars in her chest as Alice surges forward, presses Bella back into the floor under the table. Their lips meet and part, Bella's chuckle swallowed by a soft moan, Alice's hand slipping against the coffee-slicked tile. She tries to pull back, kissing Bella as she follows her up. "You have broken glass in your hair," she mumbles against the human's lips.
"That's a weird come-on but I'm into it," Bella sighs and digs her fingers into the vampire's back. Drags her lips up the column of Alice's throat, nipping at her bottom lip. "You smell like coffee."
A purr rumbles Alice's chest. She kisses Bella hard enough to make her head spin and stay there, staring down at her with hooded, black eyes. "That's your broken coffee mug, Bella, you are a literal mess."
"So you're not coming onto me?"
"I am but these facts are no less true," Alice laughs and pecks her lips. Groans when the human drags her nails down her spine, and sinks into another kiss.
They're both a little chaotic. They both have their own issues. They have their joined issues. One is dead and one is alive, and Alice is going to 'kill' Bella in a handful of months, while she navigates her own divorce.
But at the end of the day, all either of them really, truly wants… is to just be with the other.
And that's more than enough.