THE BOSTON SHUFFLE
"Meatwad, what are you doing?" Frylock cocked his eyebrow as he floated into the living room. "I told you not to waste too much electricity by watching TV because I'm working on a cold fusion reactor."
"We're on the news, man!" Meatwad pointed an appendage at the screen.
"What are you talking about?"
"It's true! They've been talking about us on TV all day long!"
Frylock sighed and looked. "I'll be damned-they are talking about us!"
"Boston authorities are reportedly furious at the Turner Corporation, which today admitted responsibility for several packages that were discovered throughout the city," the newscaster was saying. "The packages contained several blinking lights that were formed in the shape of Mooninites, characters from 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force,' an animated series on Cartoon Network."
"Hey, Frylock, we're famous!" Master Shake crowed. "At long last, our moment has arrived!"
"This is not good," Frylock retorted. "I knew those Mooninites were up to something."
"Well, if the Feds are coming after us, I'm calling our lawyer!" Shake looked around. "Where's my cell phone?"
"We don't have a lawyer, man," Meatwad reminded him.
"Well, we will, after he finds out how much we can sue Ted Turner for!" Shake waved his hands in excitement.
"Calm down. The chances are that Ted Turner wasn't even aware that he was being duped by the Mooninites." The doorbell rang. "Now who could that be?" Frylock went to answer it and found Carl standing there.
"OK, Fry Man, I just saw the news. You guys are outta here as of now!"
"What?" Shake exclaimed. "I am outraged! This was not our fault, and you can't prove a thing! Our new lawyer will sue you for defamation of character, after he sues Ted Turner!"
"Whoa, a lawyer, huh? Well, I'll just call my cousin Vinny. He's a lawyer, too. He's so famous; he's got his own TV commercials!"
"You mean the ones where he says he can get huge cash settlements for stubbing your toe?" Frylock scoffed. "Look, Carl, the Mooninites are framing us. And when I find their pixilated butts, I'm going to prove it."
"OK, Fry Man. You got 24 hours. If the moon guys can't make your case, it's adios to you freaks!" Carl slammed the door behind him as he stormed off.
"Well that was nice of him; he should drop by again sometime so I can kick his ass," Meatwad said. "What're we gonna do, man?"
"Eh, our lawyer will take care of the Mooninites too," Shake said.
"Will you knock it off? You can't afford a lawyer. We just have to get the Mooninites to come here and then rip out their spleens."
"I don't think they have spleens," Meatwad reminded him. "In fact, I don't think we do, either."
"Never mind that. I have to get to work on figuring a way to get them down here from the Moon. Now, then…" Frylock began muttering to himself and was headed back to his lab when the doorbell rang.
"Man, we really are popular today," Meatwad commented.
"Not as popular as OUR LAWYER will make us!" Shake called in Frylock's direction as he went to answer the door. He looked down.
"We are the Mooninites!" Ignignokt proudly proclaimed as he raised his middle finger. "We have come to your puny planet to gloat in our triumph at the way we made the puny citizens of Boston tremble before us!"
"We rock, man!" Err added.
"Hey, Frylock! Get over here! You got company!"
"Shake, I said I was trying to…well, look who's here." Frylock glared at the aliens. "Just stand right there, and I'll blast you to smithereens, OK?" Frylock fired lightning bolts from his eyes, but although the Mooninites were slightly singed, they were unharmed.
"Your primitive blasts do not harm us," Ignignokt said. "Our defenses are hundreds of years more advanced than your own."
"Speak for yourself, man. That hurt!" Err rubbed his arm.
"But enough of this primitive bantering. We have come here to demand your surrender."
"It is useless to resist us, man!" Err added.
"Yes. You cannot resist. You will be assimilated."
"You're not the Borg," Frylock pointed out. "Besides, I've had a lot of time to study your weaknesses."
"That is not possible," Ignignokt objected. "We are from an advanced species at the core of the Moon…"
"Yeah, I know; you're hundreds of years ahead of us and you have five thousand dimensions, blah, blah, blah. Well, we have one thing here on our 'Puny' planet that you don't have."
"Oh?" Ignignokt crossed his arms. "And what would that be?"
"Lawyers!" Frylock looked at him in triumph.
"What are these 'Lawyers' of which you speak?" Ignignokt demanded.
"Only the most feared form of life ever created by Man. Carl!" Frylock called out to their neighbor, who had been watching from the yard. "Tell 'em what your ex-wife's lawyer did to you!"
"I'm living here, ain't I?" Carl replied. "The SOB took me to the cleaners, and this is where I ended up."
"He sounds serious, man," Err said.
"Damn right I'm serious. I'll be paying legal fees through the nose even after I'm dead and buried."
"That sounds most painful," Ignignokt paused. "Tell me more of these…lawyers."
"They are the scum of planet Earth," Shake replied before Frylock could speak. "We only use them for the most desperate of circumstances."
"We were gonna call our own, and we haven't even met him yet," Meatwad added.
"Oh, they're very powerful. Did you guys ever watch 'L.A. Law' on the Moon?" Frylock asked.
"Hey, I saw that show, man." Err looked at Ignignokt. "That was the one with that chick from The Brady Bunch."
"We use those broadcasts to frighten young children as to who we will send after them when they are behaving badly. These beings actually exist?"
"My cousin is one of them," Carl proudly pointed out.
"This is most distressing. We must undo the damage that we have done! Come, Err! We must leave this primitive residence before the Aqua Teens' lawyer being arrives!"
"I heard that!" Err scuttled after Ignignokt as they hurried back to their spaceship and took off.
"Oh, you'd better fly away!" Frylock called after them.
"See?" Shake laughed. "I told you our lawyer would kick butt!"
"OK, Fry Man, I guess you're off the hook. But I still ain't letting you guys into my house!" Carl walked off.
"Hey, man, who are you calling?" Meatwad asked as Shake picked up his cell phone.
"Our agent!" Shake held the phone close. "I'm going to ask him why HE didn't come up with this idea!"
"Oh, boy. I'm going back to the lab." Frylock floated off.
THE END.