Authors note: So I'm obsessed with OITNB, I adore all and every aspect of the show. However, Red and Nicky's relationship is so unlike many you see. The mother/daughter thing they have going on is just so endearing and I believe makes the two in the show. But there's no Red/Nicky stuff anywhere, so I thought I'd bite the bullet and write one myself. I hope you enjoy and join me on raising this dynasty ship :P
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this fanfiction.
Warning: Contains discipline of a fellow adult by an adult.
Scare
'Norma, you have out done yourself, it is beautiful.' I compliment my friend as I taste her 'Surprise Saturday' soup. It was mint and cucumber if I'm not mistaken, which is quite surprising considering the lack of phallic fruit and veg in my kitchen.
'The girls will love it.' I add as I begin to spoon it out into the many portions needed for the lunchtime rust. My silent friend practically beams in my direction, seemingly ecstatic that her soup is a success.
Some of the inmates have already started to file into the cafeteria, the golden oldies being the first to line up, like always, followed by the rest of our block. I spot my group of ladies coming up the rear of the crowd. Morrelo is practically dragging yoga Jones towards the lunch line, obviously hungry after their session, whilst Vause and Chapman chat avidly behind them. Big Boo and Little Boo and the Sister have already reserved the groups table. I scan behind the group and at the other ladies filing in, but I can't spot Nicky anywhere. I let out a sigh and move forward away from the serving stations to view the room better. I know I'm wasting my time scrutinizing every head in sight to catch a glimpse of wild strawberry blond hair, if Nicky was here I'd have spotted her straight away. I always did. My eyes were drawn instantly to my little girl whenever she walked into a room.
'Morrelo, where is Nicky?' I ask as she passes me, the red lipped girl shrugs idly before walking to the table eager to get stuck into her lunch. I sigh again, louder and more frustrated than before, returning my attention to scanning the cafeteria.
It's half way through the lunch rush that I finally see her. She comes sloping in behind one of the bible bashers. They both look thoroughly upset. I know Nicky isn't acquaintances with her, hell, she knows how angry I would be if I learnt she had been hanging out with that good for nothing junkie crowd. Perhaps it was a coincidence that both are late to lunch. I deliberately ignore the itch of suspicion beginning to bubble up in my stomach, choosing instead to smile as Nicky approaches.
As she moves closer towards me, I can now see the redness staining her pale cheeks and instantly my motherly instinct flares into life. Had she been crying? Was she feeling okay?
I push past Murphy a tad unceremoniously to serve her lunch myself. She startles as she spots me, instantly lowering her gaze, a half hearted smile stretching her lips.
'Hey Ma,' she chirps, her voice sounding a tad higher than normal.
'What's up Nicky?' I demand as I pass her a tray I had already made up myself. I hadn't told Norma, but Nicky hates soup, and mint, and cucumber; fussy eater my girl. I can see her eyes widen momentarily at my words, before smiling at her sandwich with its crusts cut away.
'Thank you, Mummy.' She smiles again gazing upwards at me, and this time it's genuine; however her smile quick falls away as I quirk an eyebrow at her. She had never been able to take that look, the look that meant I knew something was up and so, quickly, she moves in an attempt to get away.
'Nicky...' I drew out slowly to the retreating girl, aware how she has avoided my question.
She turns a fraction of an inch to acknowledge me before scampering to her seat as fast as the thrumming crowd would let her.
'How come you get a sandwich and we have to eat cold soup?' Big Boo's voice travels clearly over the many voices, forcing a chuckle to pass my lips at how indignant she sounds. I swiftly grab several small yogurts, stuffing them into my smock and make my way over to my group.
'Because my mum runs the kitchen,' Nicky jokes half heartedly earning a barely hidden eye roll from Boo and a chuckle from the Sister.
'Yeah well, I bet she wouldn't be making you special sandwiches if she found out you've be caught with drugs on you, baby girl.'
I freeze, my breath rushing out in one painful rush as though someone has just punched me brutally in the stomach. Through the blur of my sudden emotions clouding my vision I see that Vause has spotted me and instantly she kicks Boo under the table. No one else had seen me coming.
Within an instance I am behind my wild child, my hand flying out so fast it is but a blur as it connects with the back of her head.
A shocked cry breaks free from the startled girl as her whole body flinches forward at the sudden and unexpected impact. She whirls around in her seat, sending her wild hair in flight. I can feel my whole body practically shaking with upset and anger.
'Ma...' Before she can say another word my hand flies out again and strikes her hard across her face causing the young girl even more upset as her head snaps back sharply.
'Mum, listen; it's not what you think...' Nicky begins to plea before falling quiet as my hands come to rest on either side of her face, as they so often did, and I look deep into my daughter's eyes.
'What did I tell you, kid, what did I say?' I can hear how low and thunderous my voice sounds as I bundle and push Nicky's big hair away from her face.
'I didn't, I didn't take it.' Her voice is quick and desperate unlike her normal rusty cadence.
'You have disappointed me my girl.' I wince as the harsh statement passes my lips, a part of me all too aware how much my choice of words would hurt Nicky, but I'm angry and so I push aside my feelings of guilt and without another word, I drop my hold on Nicky and leave, retreating back into the comfort of my kitchen.
I pretend I don't see or hear what happens next but all to no avail as I can see through the kitchen divide that there are tears beginning to build in the corner of my daughter's eyes. My heart lurches uncomfortably at the sight.
'In trouble with Mummy huh, better go.' Vause teases, in an attempt to lighten the taut mood.
Nicky suddenly spins back round to face the table and shoves her tray at Alex.
'And what the fuck do you know?! Huh!' She yells at her friend, blushing furiously as her normal composure falls out the window and big desperate tears start to fall from her eyes. She turns and starts to argue with Murphy to let her through into the cafeteria. Just before I retreat to my office I notice how
Vause looks down at the collided trays with an expression of guilt marring her pale face. Nicky is her best friend, they are very close, so alike in certain ways, but with two distinct differences. Vause, as far as I've worked out, didn't have the moneyed child hood Nicky had, but Nicky, and this I know for a fact, didn't ever have the love every child needed. She was a lost little girl and I had found her. Gladly gave her the love of a Mother she so desperately needed and deserved. All our collective friends knew and understood this, understood that Nicky and I were the genuine thing; not just some prison family, but actual family, actual love. And knowing how ferociously protective I was of my daughter, Vause, after accidently meeting my eye, looks down swiftly with an apologetic countenance painted across her features.
Moreover by the looks she was receiving from the rest of the table, they all agreed that what she had said was way out of line.
I knew Nicky would follow. But I couldn't talk to her right now; my emotions were just too over the place. When I had heard the word drug even mentioned around my tenuous daughter I couldn't help but panic. And to hear that she had been found with them on her; well needless to say, I lost it.
'Norma, please make sure no one bothers me.' I ordered as I past my friend, continuing on until I finally reached my little office space at the back of the kitchen. This is my quiet salvation in a place of little salvation.
As soon as I am near enough I slump into my chair tiredly, realising my hands were shaking I clench them together, willing myself to calm down slightly. My hand stung a little, the thought shoots a bolt of guilt deep into my heart.
The throaty voice of my daughter floats to my ears after a few curbed minutes of discomfort.
'Please Norma; let me speak to her, please?' I knew my silent friend would be sadly shaking her head at the young girl, that forever soft empathic look in her eyes.
'I won't be long. I need to explain...please.' I hear her voice hitch at the end with a barely restrained sob and I feel my own restrain begin to break.
'Norma.' I call out staidly about to give in and let Nicky through, but I am cut short by the sudden appearance of Norma at my door. She looks disheartened but nods silently, laying a hand softly on my shoulder. And suddenly I feel as though my entire body has just deflated leaving me lightheaded; images of a withdrawing Nicky cruelly flashing behind my eyes. I silently bring my hand up to cover Norma's in silent gratitude.
It takes the rest of lunch and the rest of the afternoon until I am free to go in search of my wayward daughter. I soon discover she has skipped her electrics class, yet another act that could get her into trouble, but I am unfazed by that, Luschek is too stupid to even realise she is missing. I know exactly where she is hiding.
All my emotions begin to bubble back up as I make my way to my daughter's cell.
I stop just short of her door. I force my hands to my side and take a few calming breathes. I hated having to do this; punish my daughter, but I have to keep her safe. I have to keep her out of trouble. It wasn't her fault, she had a terrible upbringing. She was a terribly lonely little girl, who turned into a lost teenager who fell into bad things because there was no one to guide her. Care for her. Love her. This is why I do what I do, even if it is sometimes in the form of tough love. It's to ground her, to calm that volatile little girl within her and give her what she needs and longs for most. A mother; a role I gladly took up as soon as I laid eyes on the girl. I love her like she is my own. She is my own. With all this in mind, I take a last calmative breath and yank the door aside and waltz into her room ready to kick her rebellious little arse.
Of course, I first had to get rid of the emphysemic lady and the one dying from cancer. Why Nicky was put in with them was beyond me, she would be much better suited with a roommate her own age.
Both women are sprawled out on their respective beds, their heavy duty machinery beeping and whirring away. Nicky is on her own bunk, up against the corner of the wall. Her knees are pulled up against her chest and her head is buried in her lap. All I can see is a mass of wild, curly hair.
I decide to approach this calmly. I clear my throat. Her head instantly jerks up; her wide dark eyes meet mine. I try to ignore the flutter in my heart at the sight of drying tears marring her pale cheeks.
'Ladies, afternoon, how are we all?' I address the room; my voice is thick with restrained emotion.
'Dying is how we are.' The lady with cancer dryly replies earning a half cackled wheeze from the other woman.
'Then hurry up about it.' Nicky snaps her own croaky voice thick with upset.
'Nicky.' I instantly chastise, looking apologetically at the two ailing women.
'No bother, poor mite is to be up with this every night she's allowed to be a bit cranky.' She replied gesturing at her noisy oxygen machine. Every few seconds the loud compression of oxygen being recycled and pumped fills the room like a train starting up. I know in reality it's not really that loud, but right now, with my senses on edge like they are, it's almost unbearable. I look up at Nicky with a trained look of authority.
'No excuse to be rude, apologise Nicky, now.' I demand, Nicky once again, refuses to meet my eye but she at least has the good grace to look down ruefully.
'Sorry.' I roll my eyes up at my daughter, she sounds so young and looks so much like a naughty little girl to me right now it's almost comical.
The other two women in the room simply wave the apology away.
'Ladies, can I have a moment with Nicky please.' I ask as politely as my exacting attitude will let me. If they were younger I would have been able to scare them off with a simple glare. But these two are my equals in age rank so I know I'll have to play nice.
The two look across at each other unimpressed before their glassy eyes roll languishingly up at me with barely restrained annoyance.
A silent moment passes as the two women seemingly weigh up their options before, with loud exasperated sighs, they leave the room deciding it's best not to bite the hand that feeds, literally in this case.
The room slowly empties as they take their sweet time about it, and with them the consistent annoyance of their machines finally become nothing but background noise , much to my relief as I can finally hear my thrumming thoughts more clearly.
'Nicky. Nicky, Nicky...' I tut sadly as the cell door is pulled to a close. She's still yet to move from her corner, her wild hair obscuring most of her face still.
'Look at me Nicky.'
I can practically feel her apprehension rolling from her in waves as she slowly lifts her eyes, I notice her bottom lip wobble slightly before she instantly bites down on it. I have to look away momentarily to steel myself for the talk to come.
'Ma?' I turn back round to the sound of her gravelly voice and look at her, waiting for her to speak again. She opens her mouth slightly but shuts it again with a sigh, eyes instantly sinking back to her lap as her fingers fiddling with a bit of thread.
I sigh, if anything will prove her guilt it's her inability to keep my gaze.
'Is it true? Did you get caught with drugs on you?' I keep my voice tight, but I feel as though my whole body is vibrating with apprehension.
'Yes.' Her voice is nothing but a barely restrained sob as she answers. And suddenly my body is moving without my consent and I am suddenly before her bunk, demanding she climb down but I don't hear my own voice I'm so enraged.
The world colours red around the edges. My vision becomes tunnelled as I watch her clamber down, my ears picking up only fragments of the words tumbling from her mouth, the blood rushing to my head downing out anything coherent. My right hand shoots out suddenly, coming to the centre of her back, outstretched pressing her against the bunk. Holding her there, suspending the whole room into silence as I desperately try to resurface from the blind anger trying to steal me of my control.
It doesn't work. My mind still fills with images of Nicky writhing around on the toilet floor, shivering in the morning sun, teeth clamped tightly together to suppress a cry back when she first arrived here. Before I realise it, my free hand grabs the nearest thing to me- Nicky's wooden hairbrush- and I bring it down hard against her backside. My brain does register her surprised yelp but it sounds so disjointed, so far away from this red horrible haze I'm in right now, I don't let up. A far away part of me hears my little girl break, sees her tears come fast and ready, but I'm so angry with her right now. Not at what she's done, I know there will be a reasonable explanation. I'm angry at her situation, at this damn place and this hard world that has the ability to steal my daughter from me. I need her to be stronger, to remind her how far she's come and how I'm never going to let her fall again. Even if it means we have to go through moments like this for her to understand this. She can push me all she wants, see if I really will stay or if I would abandon her like her real mother, I'll only push back until the scared little girl inside her is settled once again.
It's only after several rounds of hard smacks, my senses slowly come back to me, until the choked sobs of 'I'm sorry' and 'No more' tumbling from her mouth stab into my heart like needles unrelentingly. My hand finally drops from her back and I watch through blurred eyes as she slips to the floor, her face contorts in anguish as big fat tears roll sadly down her face.
My fingers are still tightly grasped around the brush and it takes me a moment to will them to loosen around the wooden item. I lay it on the bed, and look away from the offending thing, my arm feels weightless and foreign without the object now; my body feels foreign right now.
Everything seems deathly quiet, as though beyond the door was nothing but more empty space, there is only us.
I slump tremulously onto the lower bunk and bring my hand out to lie on Nicky's head, fingers instinctively twisting in-between her mass of curls. Her entire body instantly stiffens with my touch. She swallows down the rest of her sobs until she all but chokes on the force of her own emotions.
'Breathe Nicky.' My own voice sounds like death warmed up.
'Fuck you. Fuck off.' Spills defensively from her mouth before she can stop it, and I know she's just as shocked as I am for her eyes widen impossibly large when she finally meets my gaze.
'I didn't mean that.' She implores quietly as I retract my hand indignantly, her voice is barely above a whisper.
'More like you didn't mean to get caught. That's right hmm!' I snap before I can stop the hurtful accusation.
'No! No, no Ma you got it all wrong. It was a mistake!' She snaps back as she jerks away from me and stands on slightly shaky legs. I can see all the anger and turmoil inside her blazing out through her eyes, screaming for release.
'I didn't take it. I haven't taken anything.' She adds frantically, as though that was the only reason I was upset with her. I knew she hadn't taken it that was beside the point. I had told her until I was blue in the face to stay away from anything to do with drugs. And yet here we are, her facing a possible extension to her sentence and someone about to regret ever being born if I find out who was to really blame for this whole mess.
'Oh Nicky...' My mother accent seeps through thicker than normal, my emotions rocketing up into my throat and sticking there. Running a hand through my short locks I see the very moment Nicky withdraws within herself. It's as if I can read her mind as a tiny minute whimper escapes her lips. She thinks she has finally done it; she's finally pushed me away. I can see how hard the misguided, guilt ridden thought hits the troubled girl, the thought of me walking away frightening her to the very core.
'Look, just get the lecture done with then go away.' She mumbles glaring over her knee's at me. I give her an equally poignant glare in return. She's throwing her armour up, her big girl attitude. She's trying desperately to push me away before I can hurt her. Silly girl, doesn't she know just how much she means to me? Doesn't she know that to me, she is my daughter, by bond or by blood be damned? I must show my confusion as she instantly carries on, her voice strained in the attempts to sound unfazed.
'You know, the speech, like how I'm just a big fucking disappointment, an embarrassment, like how I let you down and this is why I'm so hard to love.' I shake my head at her, slightly beguiled at the extent of vulnerability rolling from the young girl to me at this moment, despite her best attempts to look nonchalant.
'You've got the wrong mother Nicky.' I say, and for the first time since coming into the room, my voice is strong and solid.
She looks up at me with such innocence I nearly choke on my own voice. Being around Nicky is at times like being on a rollercoaster, the whip lash you get as she switches from a rebellious energetic big mouth one moment to a desperately lost little girl the next splits my heart in half.
'Oh Nicky, come here.'
She lets out a little whimper as she shuffles over to me and finally into my waiting arms. I instantly pull her close, revel in the warmth against my stomach where she rests her head. After a moment I can feel her trembling against me and I know she has started crying once more. I can feel her hands knotting the fabric off my smock and I increase my hold on her, shushing soothing words to her in my mother tongue.
Closing my eyes briefly, I focus on my breathing and hers, of the feel of her hair tickling my chin and let myself imagine for a moment that we are elsewhere; watching some Christmas film early in the morning, the smell of a perfect Christmas dinner filling our family home. I let out a sigh, in another life perhaps, another time from now.
Gradually her tears subside into dry sobs and I gently untangle her arms from around my waist, pulling away slightly to place my hands on either side of her face. She looks tired now, her bottomless eyes, a rich watery brown, search mine and I make sure all the love and care I feel for her is plain to see.
And I know she sees it, for the smile that comes to her face will be etched into my memory forever.
My hand has unconsciously come to wipe at her tear marred cheeks as she takes a few calming breathes.
'Early this morning, I went to the toilets, I didn't think anyone was in there.' She begins, looking up at me every few seconds to judge my reaction. I simply continue to clean her face with the back of my sleeve and move stray curls behind her ears to better see her face.
'But Skinny Ingles from H block was. I walked into the cubicle as she was about to have a hit. She offered it to me. Said she knew I was one of them...' Again she stopped, falling silent once again with a shake of her head. I knew what she was trying to say.
'Did they do a blood test?' I ask, my voice sounds uncomfortably loud in the confined space.
'Yes.'
'Okay. Well then, the drug tests will come back clear, you will be dropped from the case and it'll be fine. Hmm?' I explain calmly, smiling softly at the worried girl before I straighten up slightly, steeling myself for the question I have to ask, whatever the answer may be. I have to know.
'Did you want to do it?'
Nicky instantly flinches, withdrawing slightly away from me with a muted sob. She nods once, her big dark eyes filling once more with shameful tears.
'Use your words Nicky.' I manage to bite out through a tight frown, images of a pain riddled Nicky flashing to the fore front of my mind jars my subconscious disturbingly.
My heart had broken a thousand times during my young girl's withdrawal and recovery. I can still remember the girl pleading me to kill her in the darkest moments of those days. I had sworn to keep her clean no matter what it took, even if it meant threatening the little thing.
'And what I'll do to you if you use again, will hurt a lot more than this.'
'Remember what I'm saying.'
Nicky was clearly remembering that same night; for as she looks at me I know we both have the same haunted look in our eyes.
'I wanted to, fuck I wanted to.' She admits, her voice coming out stronger now with the memory. 'But not like you think. I can't help it. But I didn't.' She finishes with a slight hiccup that causes the edges of her cheeks to rouge. I can't stop the encouraging smile breaking free as I release a breath of air I hadn't even realised I was holding.
'Why didn't you?' She shrugs at me and I shrug back melodramatically. A small smile breaks across her cat like mouth fleetingly. She unconsciously moves back between my legs, briefly glancing at me before looking down, awkwardly fidgeting once more with my shoe.
'I didn't do it because I didn't want you to stop loving me.' Her voice is so quiet it takes me a moment to realise what she had just declared. I silently cup Nicky's face between my hands, my eyes demanding attention as I tilt her face up slightly to meet my gaze.
'I will always love you, Nicky. Nothing will ever change that my girl.' My voice comes out so softly and so honestly, as I had meant it too, that Nicky instantly begins to tear up again.
'Erg I'm worse than the creepy weeping woman glued to the phones.' She mutters hoarsely, her hand coming up to wipe harshly against her cheeks in an attempt to clear the evidence of yet more tears.
'Ruin my reputation...' She continues to mutter in frustration. With a small chuckle I manage to snag her wrist and pull her hand away from further assaulting her sore cheeks. I clasp her small hand in both of mine, giving an infinitesimally small tug to encourage her back into my arms.
'Come now, even I cry occasionally.' I tease when she gives me her trademark unimpressed look. It just makes me chuckle more but her head softly comes to lay on my thigh as the last of her tears make their way slowly down her cheeks.
After a while I pick up the hairbrush once more, turning it over in my hand as everything that had come to pass today begins to file away in my mind. The storm and turmoil has passed, Nicky's insecurities and troubles are righted, my own fear and urgency for my daughter has ebbed away and things are now content again. Life inside doesn't run like it does outside. Everything is heightened, all your love, your fears, your regrets and your dreams. They tangle and become crooked or fade, they can consume you, alter you, until you no longer know what you were like before Litchfield. Your coping mechanisms are tested to beyond breaking point. And we all reach that breaking point. Some take their own lives, like poor Trisha, most cling onto a source of the past blindly, like dear Lorna. Then there are those like Nicky and I, who find the thing they were missing in their lives before that led them here. I'm not one to believe in fate normally, but we were drawn together for a reason, and I believe that reason was to give us a future together worth living for.
Taking the brush more firmly between my grasp, I bring it through Nicky's wild mass of curls, tenderly easing out the small knots and tangles. Suddenly she turns her head round to give me a curious look. I quirk my eyebrow at her, a curious smile of my own coming to my lips.
'What is it?' I ask, moving aside a handful of hair to begin on a new part.
She widens her eyes at me with a little grin, shaking her head slightly. 'You know don't you?' She asks and I know exactly what she was referring to. But I want to hear it, I need to hear it after today.
'Know what Nicky?' I ask teasingly, the soft edge to my voice soothing over my accent.
'That I love you too.' She mutters a tad shyly, her big eyes searching mine before she turns back around without receiving an answer.
I chuckle again, dropping a kiss to her crown before I continue to run the brush through her hair.
'Of course I know Kid.'
Hope you like it, I'm really unsure, especially since this is my first piece, but I just had to write it. Please review and share if you did like it. Thanks!