A/N This crack-fic is a collaborative effort between Chelsie Dagger and me. What do you get when two cracked minds work together on a piece? The crackiest crack-fic you'll ever want to see!

We wrote this, back and forth, as a series of PM's, over the course of about 20 hours. She took the part of Brown Chicken (and some others), and I took the part of Brown Cow (and one or two other characters). Chelsie Dagger's contributions are in bold print, and mine are in italics. I hope it's not too hard to follow, but we couldn't come up with anything better in terms of formatting. I'm posting it here, and she's posting it in her "Stuff and Nonsense." If you're kind enough to leave me a review, please pop over there and leave her one, too.

This fic is dedicated to all our friends out there who could really use a good laugh right now; we hope we can provide a few. I won't mention any specific names, in an effort to respect and preserve your privacy, but you know who you are. You have received or will receive shortly a PM to inform you that this one's for you.

Oh. Disclaimer. This fic contains adult material. Your sensibilities may be offended. If they are not, then we've not done our job!

Enjoy!

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow

BROWN CHICKEN: Goooood evening chicks, heifers, sows, boars, cocks and bulls, it's time for another exciting edition of Yorkshire's favorite barnyard based, hidden observation show, 'Brown Chicken, Brown Cow;' where we spy on the humans to better understand their inferior ways of life. I am Brown Chicken and with me, as always, is Brown Cow.

BROWN COW: Thaaaaaaat's right, Brown Chicken! Yes, indeed, barnyard friends, on this week's edition of BBC'S 'BC, BC', we are observing the interaction of two species in their native habitat. Here in the servants' courtyard, we see before us a fine specimen of butlerius proprietus and a graceful embodiment of administratus domesticus. As always, the subjects of our observation are unaware of our presence. Brown Chicken, can you tell us what we can expect to see?

BROWN CHICKEN: I believe we are in for a treat this evening, folks, for this is the alpha butler we've been observing for some time. In chicken speak, he's the cock of the walk around here. Though we had believed that his species does not mate, I believe we've seen him with this particular domesticus before, but I'll defer to you, Cow. I have to admit, all you mammals look the same to me.

BROWN COW: You are correct, Chicken! Though some have likened her to a "mother hen," there's nothing "fowl" about this domesticus. Her udders may not be as numerous or impressive as mine, but she most definitely has all the parts of a female mammal, and what lovely parts they are!

BROWN CHICKEN: No one could approach your mammary prowess, my friend, so I will certainly not contradict your assessment. It would seem that the alpha butler agrees with you, as his eyes do often seem drawn to her bosom. I would say that the distinguishing feature for me is the neatly arranged nest upon her head. I am very picky, as you know, but I would totally lay my eggs in that nest.

As for the Alpha Butler, for me, his distinguishing characteristic is his beak. I am a fool for a good beak. What are your impressions of our male human from the bovine perspective?

BROWN COW: Well, BC, I'm more impressed by fur than proboscises, and his neatly groomed, silver-streaked cranial fur is quite striking. As a Belted Galloway, I'm also quite drawn to the colors of his apparel. You can never go wrong with black and white!

Oh, but wait! We have some action going on here, fans! It would appear that we're seeing the early stages of the courting ritual. Alpha Butler is violently waving some sort of ledger or account book. He's becoming agitated, you see, strutting about, and the tails on his coat are flaring out. And now our feisty domesticus is responding by clenching her fists and shaking her finger at him. She's ruffling her skirts in a show of defiance. She won't be won over that easily!

BROWN CHICKEN: His courtship display is certainly intricate and he is in fine form tonight! We have witnessed this behaviour between them before, but he has always been rebuffed. Will he fare any better this evening?

Though she is the smaller of the two, the domesticus, I'm going to call her 'Mother Hen' from here on out, seems to have the upper hand in this exchange as in previous encounters. He is obviously trying to gain her attention and approval, but she is actually leaving the courtyard and heading off towards some out buildings!

Let's pause for a word from our sponsors as we relocate to follow them...

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BROWN COW: Thank you, Jarvis the Sheep!

And now, we are back, and our subjects have relocated to the stables. Mother Hen is now completely ignoring Alpha Butler as she parades herself in front of some other males of a different species, equus groomus. These poor Fellowes don't have the plumage that our Butler can boast, and I fear they're in for heartbreak. They're surely enjoying the display, but while Hen appears to be flirting with them, it's clearly only with the intent to make her Butler jealous. Oh, look at this! Butler is chasing away all the young groomi so he can be alone with his Hen! Chicken, shall we go to our man in the stables, Brown Horse?

BROWN CHICKEN: That is an excellent idea...oh, I am told we have lost contact with Brown Horse...no, here we are. BroHo, what's the skinny from the inside?

BROWN HORSE: Well, Chicken, I can tell you the atmosphere in the barn has been electric all day. We thought this was due to the approaching spring storm, but perhaps our horsey senses were picking up on an impending storm of another sort. I have never seen such animation from either butlerius or domesticus in the past. Usually, they are such docile and domesticated creatures, they don't cause much excitement.

Butlerius seems to have cornered domesticus in the far end of the stable. I understand we have a paws on the ground in that stall. Let's go to Brown Rat for a better perspective. Are you there, Rat?

BROWN RAT: Yes, I'm here, and let me tell you, what a vantage point I have! I can practically reach out and touch them, but they don't even notice me, because they don't give a rat's arse about this rat's arse. They only have eyes for each other.

Butler now has Hen backed against the wall. He's approaching her cautiously. Slowly, ever so gently, so as not to spook her, he's reaching his hand to take hers. And she's letting him touch her! Spurred on by new confidence, he's stepping closer, taking her other hand ... Oh, drat! He's obscuring my view. I can see only his back now. Chicken, can you take up a position in the rafters and give us a bird's eye view?

BROWN CHICKEN: I hardly know how to describe what I'm seeing from up here. At first he was only pecking her mouth gently, but that seemed to anger her and she attacked him. She has grabbed his sleek fur.

Possibly in defense, Butler is ruffling Hen's plumage almost violently but she does not seem to mind. In fact, he's lifted her plumage up to her waist.

Hen has now released the nest from her head. What a pity to see such fine work destroyed, but I do hope some of that soft hair is left behind. It will add a nice bit of auburn colour to my own nest.

Butler is groaning, but I cannot tell that he is injured in any way. He seems to be trying to reach her udders. I can clearly discern some words now. All I can make out is 'Please' and 'Yes'. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were trying to mate, but they are still facing each other.

Ah, I can see that our embedded correspondent and human coitus expert has arrived on scene. Yellow Dog, you've lived for years under the same roof as humans. They've accepted you into their culture enough to give you the tribal name 'Isis'. What insight can you offer on the position you see them in?

YELLOW DOG: Chicken, you flatter me. I am no expert, though I have seen many variations of human coitus during my years in their midst. It is, in fact, true that humans can mate while facing each other. The upstairs lot seem to prefer this arrangement, though they typically adopt a prone position in a bed, with one or the other on top.

The downstairs creatures, however, are far more creative in their configurations. Sometimes, the female will bend over a surface, say a desk or table, or will brace herself on all four paws, and the male will take her from behind. We barnyard folk are very familiar with this approach. But apparently, our ambitious couple are attempting an aggressive manoeuvre far better suited to their juniors. Hen will need to spread her legs and expose herself. Butler will have to lift Hen, supporting her under her rump with his paws. Then he will press her against the wall in order to provide some resistance to his forward motion. In this way, the necessary conjoining can be achieved. Chicken, is this what you're seeing?

BROWN CHICKEN: Thank you for that clarification, Yellow Dog, I think you must be right. His paws are certainly firmly planted on her rump!

Goodness, was that lightning? I think the storm has arrived, which should offer our pair some privacy. The rain is starting, which is a little annoying. The noise of the rain makes it hard to hear anything anymore, but they both seem to be responding to the storm as though it is making them restless.

He is moving in. But wait, there seems to be a variation happening!

He's apparently gone down on his knees before her. I must say, it would make me very nervous to have a beak that close to my cloaca. Cow, if you can see this now, I would welcome your perspective. I mean, we chickens are not known for our tongues. I believe you've an ungulate cousin who can lick his own ear?

BROWN COW: Yes, BC, if you are referring to Spotted Giraffe, he is quite lingually endowed, and skilled as well. Butler, however, appears to be well-versed in the lingual arts, also. He could show cousin Geoffrey a thing or two, and as you see, his beak is not harming Hen. She seems rather to be enjoying his attentions and is starting to vibrate with pleasure. Our butler, quite pleased with himself, is puffing out his chest with pride.

BROWN HORSE: Horse here, I will observe that Butler's expanded chest size has caused him to remove his outer furs. Hen is also apparently outgrowing her plumage, for she is molting out of them. I am very curious to see this, as we've all speculated what these two species looked like without their fur or feathers. From the little I've seen, they are as pink as newborn rats. No offense meant, Rat.

BROWN RAT: None taken, BroHo! Yes, their appearance can be quite shocking. Butler still has quite a bit of inner fur underneath his outer ones, so it's hard to tell the color of his flesh. But Hen is more milky white than pink under her feathers; wouldn't you say, Cow?

BROWN COW: Yes, indeed, Rat. Milky white. And speaking of milk, we now must pause for a word from some folks very near and dear to my heart, Downton Dairy!

(*Bovine Rhapsody plays in background.*)

"Is this the real milk?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a deluge,
No escape from tsu-na-a-mi.

Open your mouth,
Clamp down to the south and drink
I'm just a poor calf
I don't know what to think

Because I'm easy squeeze, easy nip,
Little lick, little sip.
Any way the milk flows,
Doesn't really splatter to me.

'Mama... I just milked a cow...
Put my mouth against her teat,
never tasted milk so sweet...

Mama... I've had milk before...
But now I've gone and drunk the stuff of gods.

Mama... Ooh, oo-oo-ooh...
Didn't mean to leave you dry.
If I don't drink your milk again tomorrow, lactate on, lactate on...
As if nothing really splatters...

(*Music fades.*)

Downton Dairy. Mooooo-ve over Thirsky calves, because our milk rains!

BROWN COW: And don't forget - our Dancing Darlings, the Downton Dairy Dolls, will be performing at the Ripon Dairy Barn on Saturday. Come on out and support our gals!

And now, back to our show!

BROWN HORSE: Nothing really splatters...
Anyone can see...
Nothing really splatters...
Nothing really splatters...on meeeeeeeee.

Well I know where I will be on Saturday. Ah, to be a young colt again.

BROWN CHICKEN: Well said, Horse. I've never had milk, myself, but I have enough mammalian friends to understand the attraction. Our Butler seems to share the same attraction, as he has moved his oral attentions to her mammaries. I never thought I'd say this, but I am beginning to envy those of you who have lips, as they both seem to be enjoying themselves immensely.

Aaand, they've fallen. From what we've observed of the Hen's temper in the past, you'd expect her to be as mad as...well, as a wet hen, but she is actually laughing. I imagine that is because she has fallen into the dominant position, with him beneath her.

Rat, they must almost be on top of you right now. Can you listen in and tell us what you are hearing?

BROWN RAT: Rat, here! Yes, I can see and hear everything from here. Now that she's on top, Hen is using her own labia oris to lavish attentions on his torso. Now she's moving south, and after some petting and stroking, she seems to be taking his cock into her oral cavity! (No, I'm not referring to Mr. Chicken, BC; she's not eating your hubby!) Butler is squirming and writhing, groaning and whimpering, and I can't tell if he's in pain or ... Can we get our correspondent Yellow Dog back here? Isis, do humans really enjoy this sort of thing?

YELLOW DOG: That is an excellent question, Rat, and I wish there was an easy answer. Enjoyment varies with the individuals involved, but I can make a few general statements based on my observations. Their expressions of pleasure can sometimes be confused with exclamations of pain, but I will tell you that it is obvious to me that our two subjects today are enjoying themselves. Indeed she seems to be going after him like a dog at a bone, but this does raise an issue that is fundamental to those of us who specialize in the comparative study of upstairs genus versus downstairs.

The upstairs genus in this region are mainly from the family Aristocratae and seem more interested in procreation than in pleasure. Indeed, after a male offspring or two has been achieved, coital occurrences may drop to zero, even though Aristocratae usually mate for life.

Downstairs genus are predominately from the family Hoipolloi and their sexual activities are focused on the pleasure derived rather than on the hope of procreating their species. In fact, many Hoipolloi show an instinctive fear of offspring and the group will ostracize females whom they know to be pregnant, even after the offspring is born. It is theorized that many of their favorite activities, such as the two oral/genital displays we have witnessed thus far are enjoyed expressly because they cannot result in a hybridized offspring. Such variations are rare in the Aristocratae that I have observed.

Incidentally, this explains why the Aristocratae have a more successful breeding rate in captivity than the Hoipolloi. Though, free range Hoipolloi have a fecundity rate that would put a rabbit to shame.

I hope I've not bored you all to tears with this scientific explanation, but it is my primary area of study.

I will add that, though I've never witnessed this mating pair in coitus, I have noticed their close social interactions on a daily basis. They are almost inseparable inside the house. Right now, they are exhibiting a familiarity with each other that would indicate that previous couplings have occurred. But this sighting beyond the house is quite rare and it wags my tail to think of my next presentation to the college of Human Husbandry.

But back to the action. I can see that he is calling out to her, Rat, can you elaborate?

BROWN RAT: Thank you, Dog! That explains a lot. And yes, he is calling out to her. It seems he is requesting a coupling in the traditional manner. Apparently this pair, due to their advanced years, need not worry about the possibility of procreation and can enjoy themselves in varied and creative ways. I believe the copulation to which I referred is now taking place. They are rolling about in the hay, making strange noises, while rubbing their hands over each other and pecking at each other with their lips. Folks, we are getting quite a show today! Now back to you, Chicken!

BROWN CHICKEN: "Thank you, Rat. You are correct that we have enjoyed an unexpected treat today. From the aerial viewpoint, they look very like the huge spider I had for lunch the other day. Judging from their vigorous thrashing, they are still wrestling with the question of dominance. He seems reluctant to concede to her obvious intellectual dominance, but I venture to say that she is impressed by his physical dominance.

Cow, I don't think I'm speaking out of turn when I say you have some experience with big, dumb oxen. Remember, I've met your ex.

BROWN COW: "Which ex would that be? Oh, my ex the ox. Yes, big and dumb, all right, but, my, he was good in the hay! What a beast he was! The only way I could make him behave was to put that bull in a yoke! But I digress.

I do think our Hen is impressed with Butler's strength and prowess. She seems to have given up the fight and is allowing him to have his way with her. She looks to be enjoying herself, I might add. She's shaking violently and crying out, and his movements are becoming erratic. I can hear lots of panting and gasping.

Now their movements are slowing, and they appear to be disengaging. The two are just lying next to each other in the hay, arms and legs still entangled. I can see no further activity from here. Chicken, am I missing anything, or is the show over for today?

BROWN CHICKEN: I'd say it's all over but the crying, as my Da' used to say. I will admit I have a sudden urge for a cigarette, but I'm trying to break the habit. In fact, I've cut back to eating only two discarded butts a day.

That is probably all the action for tonight and the timing could not be better, as we are almost out of time. I'd like to thank our guest contributors; Yellow Dog, BroHo and Brown Rat. And thank you to our sponsors, Yorkshire Baaaaank and Downton Dairy.

Thank you to our lovely audience for listening, we are nothing without you. Stay tuned on BBC Radio 4 for 'Pimp My Sty', coming up next and join us the same time next week for another edition of the 'Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.' I have been Brown Chicken...

BROWN CHICKEN: ... And I have been Brown Cow. See you next time on "Brown Chicken, Brown Cow!"

(*Theme music plays and fades.*)

Please review. And don't forget to pop over to "Stuff and Nonsense" and drop one there for Chelsie Dagger, too. You would make us both very happy. Thanks for reading!