Manuscript of audio recording from David Smith. PsyD for the Oceanographic Institute, San Francisco California. October 14th 2013.

"So Mr. Sharkticon. How are we doing this week?"

"Hungry."

"Yes, well. Have you found time to answer the questionnaire like we discussed? It's a very informative process."

"I guess."

"I see you have it there."

"Some of it."

"Ah...I see. Was there a problem?"

"Hungry."

"Yes, well...I see you've eaten the last six pages but that's ok. We can use the first..."

(papers rustling)

"Did you answer 'hungry' to every single question?"

"What else is there?"

"Okay, moving on. Two days ago the Institute was finally prepared to observe what would happen when you were introduced into the Earth's oceans."

"Yeah. I guess."

"They radioed back you had encountered a Great White shark just off shore. A very fortunate chance meeting albeit a little tense."

(subject shrugs)

"I know several of my colleagues were theorizing what would happen when you finally met the ocean's top predator. What were your thoughts?"

"Still waitin'."

"Excuse me?"

"Still waitin'."

"But...you already met him. The Great White shark. That was him."

"That food?"

"Why yes."

(subject snorts)

"Tasty."

"Well that's...that's remarkable. Was there video documentation?"

"Yeah. Some. They yell to me slow down."

"Slow down?"

"So I ate another one."

"I'm afraid I don't...you ate him to fast?"

(subject shrugs and presumably picks his teeth)

"Couple a' bites."

"And then?"

"Ate a few more. And a few other foods. But then they say eat to many and stop."

"I see."

"Make up mind, huh? They get mad. Yell to me 'Dolphins are friends!'"

"Oh my goodness."

*Braaack!*

(subject coughs up plastic water bottle)

"Oh my. Yes. There were also some concerns about the impact of pollution as well. An unfortunate circumstance I'm afraid. Did you say Dolphins?"

"Po-lute-on?"

"Pollution. The water bottle and other such detritus you must have encountered."

"Wha' about it?"

"There is a varying degree of pollutants in the oceans which result in a direct impact on marine life. The NOI science divers were particularly interested in filming your reaction to that but then this...did you really eat...a dolphin?"

"Two or three. Hey if you think they bad for the water then get them out of the water."

"Dolphins? The pollutants?"

"The scientists."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

(subject shrugs)

"Makes no difference to me."

"I'm afraid I still don't...wait, Mr. Sharkticon the scientists are not the pollutants. They're...well, scientists."

"To rubbery. Chewy."

(tape records five seconds of silence)

"Do you mean to tell me...you ate the scientists?!"

"Yeah. Right after dolphins. Who do you think was holding water bottle?"

"Oh my God!"

"Confuse Sharkticon. Don't eat this. Don't eat that. Don't eat us. Food is food, huh?"

"You...but it...this was..."

"They picture it. Here camera."

(subject holds up water-proof digital camera)

"See?!"

"Are those your teeth?!"

"Yeah, that's a good one!"

"Good lord! I have to...I have to contact someone!"

"I look good in this one."

"Are you insane?"

"Huh?"

"I'm calling security!"

"How come?"

"You just can't eat people!"

"How come?"

"Because you can't!"

"Hey you get in water, you food."

"Didn't someone explain this to you, you freak? You can't just eat them!"

"They should explain how. Next time I first peel off rubber. Hey where you goin' Doc?"

(door opens)

"Security! Can some one...where is everybody?!"

"They gone."

"What?"

"They food."

"WHAT?!"

"Tasty."

"You don't mean..."

"Much better on land. No rubber clothes."

(subject transforms)

"What are you doing?!"

"Hungry"

"No! Stop! Stay back! Oh my God!"

(Tape abruptly ends...thankfully.)

Ultra Magnus. Auditor. Insurance claim # 4628. Payment pending.