Story Title: The Taste of the Future
Author: Mathais
Rating: T
Fandom: Free!
Warnings: BL
Pairings: Makoto/Haru, Haru/Rin
Summary: Makoto may be kind, caring, and patient, but he is not a martyr.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and elements of Free! or High Speed!.
Notes: I wanted to try writing a one-shot in a day. I guess I was in a melancholy mood today.
OoOoO
Like crisp ice down the back of his shirt in summer, Makoto stops and shudders, his mouth widened by surprise. He sways and grabs the shelf next to him, and oh. Oh. Things make so much more sense now.
Haru and Rin bicker in front of him, but Makoto sees Rin grab Haru's hand and hold it and Haru doesn't mind. Makoto's hand burns with the memory of ignored chances that maybe weren't ignored but rejected. Haru's eyes sparkle that shade of blue that reminds Makoto of water in a way that he can accept, and it's directed toward the fire in Rin's eyes and smirk. Heat pricks behind his eyes. He makes an about face.
Ren and Ran pester him when he trudges home, but he placates them with candy even though his mom will reprimand him later. Makoto sits on his bed and exhales into his cupped hands and watches the tears gather silently inside of them, only to drain away between his fingers. He refuses the summons for dinner to instead lie down and stare sightlessly into the darkness. If he sleeps, he doesn't remember.
The next morning, he gets up for a quick shower and washes away the dried crust around his eyes. He forces breakfast down his throat to appease his worried mother. He changes into his uniform, heads over to Haru's house, and plays with the cat outside.
He still holds out his hand to Haru in the bath.
As they go to school together, Makoto only walks next to Haru. He doesn't nudge him in the side or brush him by accident or any of the other things he's tried over the years. He simply shares the silence.
They sit down in class, and Makoto's mind wanders. Who would he talk to about this? Well, normally he'd go to Haru, who would always listen, but. No.
He comes to the abrupt realization that Haru is the only one. It doesn't comfort him.
It's always been Haru and Makoto—one unit, side by side. Countless days and nights spent together. Emails and texts traded in the dead of night. Plans to go to the same university. It seemed a natural to follow Haru, who is a large part of his life.
Now? Now is different. Makoto is not a martyr. Haru has his friends and his strength and Rin and Haru.
Makoto needs to find Makoto, the Makoto who is Makoto and not Haru and Makoto.
His shoulders lighten as something settles into his spine. Makoto breathes in, the air sharp and fresh and tasting of the same resolution flowing through his veins.
OoOoO
Recovering from addiction is hard. When that addiction influences every part of your life, when you've worked so hard to keep it there, to keep it flowing through your veins for that rush and thrill, to embrace it for years on end... It is nearly an insurmountable task.
But strength is something that Makoto has been learning over time. He will not succumb on the path to his goal. Every time he walks next to Haru, every time he wants to touch their shoulders together, he tells himself to stop. He will not intrude on that space, for Haru's sake as well as his own. When he holds his hand out to Haru in his bath, neither Makoto's eyes nor his hand linger.
He becomes even closer to Rei and Nagisa and Kou and the rest of the club, though he keeps a measured but almost imperceptible distance between him and Rin because he is not perfect. He spends more time training and mentoring the new recruits. Where before Makoto would wander into Haru's house on Sunday and work on homework with him, now he begins to stay at home, trading email and texts instead. And even those slow as the months pass.
Not every day is good. Sometimes, Makoto has to pry his fingers off of his phone, desperate to just call Haru and hear his voice. In his weaker moments, he listens to one of his recordings and takes guilty pleasure in the way it warms him from head to toe even as salty tears soak his pillow. He hates himself all the more afterward and renews his resolve.
Makoto withdraws slowly and carefully, letting Rin and everyone else fill the spots in Haru's life that Makoto once occupied, and he patches himself with some of the same. It becomes easier with the rush for university applications and exams eating into time, and there, Makoto finds the path to salvation.
It's a wild idea. It's the type of thing Nagisa would suggest. It's perfect.
He guards this idea jealously. It just a whim at first, but the more he dwells on it and works at it, the more he can taste the future on the horizon, warm like hope with the tang of desperation. He still sits the exams for the local university and a couple in Tokyo. He walks with Haru to and from and never touches him even once, even when he offers a popsicle that Haru looks almost surprised to see.
Makoto isn't the first to find letter. It's his mom who smothers him in surprise and giddiness when he steps through the doorway, exclaiming about how her son got into an American school.
The endless weeks of studying and practicing his interview skills and his English. The late night and early morning video conversations to talk to people half way across the world. The amount of time he spent with his homeroom teacher and counselor, excited at the prospect of someone from their school going to a prestigious university aboard. All of it leads to this.
The words wash over him, and the taste of success aches ever so bittersweet on his lips.
OoOoO
"For years, I've loved you, Haru," Makoto says to the wind and the falling cherry blossoms. "I've followed you everywhere. I followed the path you tread just so that I could stay near you."
"You were my constant in life. You dragged me forward when I stopped, even if you never saw it. You were the sun after a storm and the full moon on the darkest night. I love you so much. I wanted to hold you and hug you and swim with you. I wanted to be with you forever with every fiber of my being."
"I can't do this anymore. I can't be the one trailing after you all the time. We're no longer step by step, and I refuse to stop."
"Haru, you've given me the best years of my life, but I need more. You have Rin now, and while he's not the best friend, he's something different and more and I can't compete in the way I want."
"I love you, Haru, and I wish it were more."
"Good bye."
He seals the letter with the kiss he wishes he could give Haru in person and pours all of his emotion into it. The acid lingers in his mouth even after he boards the plane to his future, an envelope placed neatly on the Nanase household's kitchen table.
OoOoO
Makoto breathes in after stepping out of the plane, his first breath in a new country, and tastes freedom and the future.