Fade in
(The crew of Trooper Chat is sitting around the main stage area, talking about noting in particular)
Elizabeth: Can you believe we made it to a second show? I thought we'd be caned after that little incident with Sergeant Brutto.
Dan: Not to mention we were nearly sued by that Corporal for what Jenkins said.
Kelly: Hey I paid good money for him to say that!
Laurie (sharpening kanta sword): Yeah, how were we supposed to know they didn't want the knowledge of their secret love affair broadcast to about 20 million people?
(Everyone looks up as Bob runs into the set)
Bob: I've *gasp* got good news, *gasp* bad news, and not so good news.
Kim: Is this "I've got good news bad news" gonna be a lasting thing, or is it just a phase that all new TV show's go through?
Dan: Okay, what's the bad news?
Bob: The pilot that we were gonna have on tonight's show is dead.
Dan: WHAT!!
Rachel: Dead, 86th, faced, pushing up daisies, kissin' dirt, 6ft under, bought the farm, croaked, kicked the bucket, cashed in all his chips, his spark has joined with the matrix, he's on that big Valley Forge in the sky. How many other ways do I have to say it, he's DEAD!!!
Laurie: Who was it?
Elizabeth: Major Zander Barcalow.
Laurie: YES (starts jumping up and down)!
(She takes the kanta sword she'd been sharpening and hurls it like a javelin into a cardboard cut out of Zander, and proceeds to turn it into confetti)
Kim (ducking as a piece of cardboard flies over her head): So that's why the Psychiatrists at the recruitment office said she wasn't fit to be in the Infantry.
Laurie (off stage): Ding-dong the priss is gone!
Bob: Well they didn't say that, they said she was a bit "Over zealous for combat duty."
Dan (rubbing temples): So what's the good news?
Bob: I was able to find a second pilot for the show, she's in the back room now.
Elizabeth: Okay, then what's the not so good news?
Bob: Fed Net HQ doesn't want us to keep Jason in his cage anymore. They say whenever he's on the ratings go through the roof.
Kelly (mumbling): Along with our blood pressure.
Dan: Well c'mon people, we've got a show to get done.
(Everyone leaves the room to get ready for the show)
Fade out
Fade in
(The lights come up without a problem, but just as the camera is focusing in on host and co-host, Jason the Intel Fairy comes running out of left stage and whacks both of them on the head with his frying pan)
Jason (running across stage): Be happy for I Jason the Intel Fairy have arrived!
Dan (rubbing head/looking off to the right): Dang it! Well welcome once again to Trooper Chat, I'm your host Dan Wilson.
(Close up on host)
Elizabeth (shaking head): Oi! And I'm your co-host for tonight's show, Elizabeth Clark.
(Close up on co-host)
Dan: Well once again we've got a great show planed for you out there in viewer land.
Rachel (off stage): And maybe this time no threat of a law suite.
Dan: Well never the less it's gonna be a great show. For tonight's guest, we have...(looks off to the left). Bob, what's the name of this pilot?
Bob (off stage): Lt. Carmen Ibanez.
Elizabeth: Well, why don't we all give the Lt. a warm welcome.
(Host and co-host stand up to great Carmen as Kelly and Laurie push her onto the stage and force her to sit on the couch then walk off)
Jason (off stage): I'd love *ack*
Rachel (off stage): Not this time weirdo.
Dan (sitting down): Welcome to Trooper Chat Lt. Ibanez.
Carmen (looking around): What am I doing here, what is this?
Elizabeth: You're on Trooper Chat Lt. didn't you know that?
Carmen: No. I was on my way to the flight simulator where I was knocked out. Next thing I know I'm pushed out here.
Dan: (looks over at Kelly, Bob, and Laurie) Hmm, would you guys know anything about that?
Kelly (off stage): Why is it when anything happens you always think we're the ones to blame?
Kim (off stage): Do we need to go over your track record?
Elizabeth: So, Lt. Ibanez. What do you like about Trooper Chat that made you want to come onto the show?
Carmen: I've never seen the show before.
Elizabeth: Okay, so how'd you get on?
Carmen: Well like I said, I was on my way to the flight simulator, when I was knocked out.
Dan: Well since we have time to kill, why were you on your way to the flight simulator?
Carmen: I was on my way to the flight simulator because I have this strange habit of always having the right engine on my retrieval ship blown up by enemy fire.
Bob (off stage): So you wanted to practice having the left engine blown up by enemy fire?
Carmen: Why yes...er...no. I wanted to practice so I don't have either engine blown up by enemy fire. Yeah that's it.
Dan: *sigh* Where does SICON find them and why do the keep sending them to me? Well now seems as good as any to go to the skit.
Fade out
Fade in
(Bob, Laurie, Kelly and Carmen are around a fleet transport with its hood up. Bob, Laurie, and Kelly are dressed up like grease monkeys)
Kelly: Why are we dressed like this?
Bob (pulls out script from back pocket): Well according to this we're trying to fix the Lt. transport.
Laurie: Dang it Bob, I'm a Psycho Chick not a mechanic!
Kelly: *groans* Okay, well lets get this over with.
Bob (sticking head into transport engine area): Well now I see what's wrong, the alternator needs to be revamped.
Kelly (looking in): Where'd you get this thing? Out of a 65 Chevy?
(Carmen gives them a sheepish smile and looks at the ceiling. Bob and Kelly exchange confused looks and shake their heads)
Bob: Hmm, I see our tax dollars are at work. Hey Laurie, you found one yet?
Laurie (sifting through box and pulls out something): Guys, the only alternator I could find was for a civilian transport.
Kelly: It could work.
Bob: I don't know, this is a SICON ship, it may not fit.
(Just then Jason leaps out from nowhere, grabs the alternator, jams it in and starts hitting it with his frying pan)
Jason: SICON parts *bang*! Civilian parts *crash*! All made in Taiwan *smash*! I fix it like we fix in old country *bang* *crash* *smash*! Now try it.
(Carmen jumps into cockpit of transport and turns it on)
Carmen: Hey it works now, thanks.
Jason (strikes a corny pose): My work here is done; now I'm off to help other pilots in need, for you see the job of the Intel Fairy is never done. Now up, up, and way (jumps into wall, leaving a crack in the shape of his body in the plaster)
Kelly: Are you guys sure he had a botched Section 8, or could they've given him a full lobotomy and lied about it?
Bob: *shrugs* Either way, he's one trooper short of a squad.
(Nurse Logan walks out and drags Jason off stage. There are little green troopers with wings flying around his head)
Jason (being dragged off): I am Jason the Intel Fairy, all bow down to me!
Fade out
Fade in
(We see host, co-host, and guest sitting on the couch)
Dan: Hello and welcome back to Trooper Chat. I'm your host Dan Wilson, and this is your co-host, Elizabeth Clark, and tonight's guest Lt. Carmen Ibanez.
Elizabeth: You're first name's Carmen right?
Carmen: Yeah, Dan's already made that clear to about 10 million people.
Elizabeth: Whatever. Could you be the same Carmen that captured Johnny Rico's heart and made him join up?
Carmen: *nods* Yeah, he did that. Can you actually believe that he thought joining up with the Mobile Infantry would impress me?
Dan: So I guess this act went unnoticed by you huh.
Carmen: Well not entirely, I did get a chance with him when Zander started flirting with Dizzy, the little charlatan.
Dan: You went out with the dead guy?
Carmen (begins to cry): Yes *sob* I loved *sob* him so much *sob*.
Elizabeth (patting Carmen's shoulder): There, there, I'm sure his last thoughts were of you.
Carmen: *sob*
Dan: *cough* Well while I'm all for the bleeding heart stuff, we've got to get on with the show.
Carmen: *nods* *sniff* Okay, I'm ready now *sniff*.
Dan (handing her a tissue): So Lt. Ibanez, how long have you been a pilot?
Carmen (takes tissue): *sniff* Thanks *blows nose*. I've been a pilot for about *sniff* a year and a half.
Dan: Who was your instructor?
Carmen: *sniff* My instructor was Zander (starts sobbing again)
Dan (uneasy): Well look at that, we're all out of time for tonight. We'll see you all next time here on Trooper Chat.
(The crew of Trooper Chat is sitting around the main stage area, talking about noting in particular)
Elizabeth: Can you believe we made it to a second show? I thought we'd be caned after that little incident with Sergeant Brutto.
Dan: Not to mention we were nearly sued by that Corporal for what Jenkins said.
Kelly: Hey I paid good money for him to say that!
Laurie (sharpening kanta sword): Yeah, how were we supposed to know they didn't want the knowledge of their secret love affair broadcast to about 20 million people?
(Everyone looks up as Bob runs into the set)
Bob: I've *gasp* got good news, *gasp* bad news, and not so good news.
Kim: Is this "I've got good news bad news" gonna be a lasting thing, or is it just a phase that all new TV show's go through?
Dan: Okay, what's the bad news?
Bob: The pilot that we were gonna have on tonight's show is dead.
Dan: WHAT!!
Rachel: Dead, 86th, faced, pushing up daisies, kissin' dirt, 6ft under, bought the farm, croaked, kicked the bucket, cashed in all his chips, his spark has joined with the matrix, he's on that big Valley Forge in the sky. How many other ways do I have to say it, he's DEAD!!!
Laurie: Who was it?
Elizabeth: Major Zander Barcalow.
Laurie: YES (starts jumping up and down)!
(She takes the kanta sword she'd been sharpening and hurls it like a javelin into a cardboard cut out of Zander, and proceeds to turn it into confetti)
Kim (ducking as a piece of cardboard flies over her head): So that's why the Psychiatrists at the recruitment office said she wasn't fit to be in the Infantry.
Laurie (off stage): Ding-dong the priss is gone!
Bob: Well they didn't say that, they said she was a bit "Over zealous for combat duty."
Dan (rubbing temples): So what's the good news?
Bob: I was able to find a second pilot for the show, she's in the back room now.
Elizabeth: Okay, then what's the not so good news?
Bob: Fed Net HQ doesn't want us to keep Jason in his cage anymore. They say whenever he's on the ratings go through the roof.
Kelly (mumbling): Along with our blood pressure.
Dan: Well c'mon people, we've got a show to get done.
(Everyone leaves the room to get ready for the show)
Fade out
Fade in
(The lights come up without a problem, but just as the camera is focusing in on host and co-host, Jason the Intel Fairy comes running out of left stage and whacks both of them on the head with his frying pan)
Jason (running across stage): Be happy for I Jason the Intel Fairy have arrived!
Dan (rubbing head/looking off to the right): Dang it! Well welcome once again to Trooper Chat, I'm your host Dan Wilson.
(Close up on host)
Elizabeth (shaking head): Oi! And I'm your co-host for tonight's show, Elizabeth Clark.
(Close up on co-host)
Dan: Well once again we've got a great show planed for you out there in viewer land.
Rachel (off stage): And maybe this time no threat of a law suite.
Dan: Well never the less it's gonna be a great show. For tonight's guest, we have...(looks off to the left). Bob, what's the name of this pilot?
Bob (off stage): Lt. Carmen Ibanez.
Elizabeth: Well, why don't we all give the Lt. a warm welcome.
(Host and co-host stand up to great Carmen as Kelly and Laurie push her onto the stage and force her to sit on the couch then walk off)
Jason (off stage): I'd love *ack*
Rachel (off stage): Not this time weirdo.
Dan (sitting down): Welcome to Trooper Chat Lt. Ibanez.
Carmen (looking around): What am I doing here, what is this?
Elizabeth: You're on Trooper Chat Lt. didn't you know that?
Carmen: No. I was on my way to the flight simulator where I was knocked out. Next thing I know I'm pushed out here.
Dan: (looks over at Kelly, Bob, and Laurie) Hmm, would you guys know anything about that?
Kelly (off stage): Why is it when anything happens you always think we're the ones to blame?
Kim (off stage): Do we need to go over your track record?
Elizabeth: So, Lt. Ibanez. What do you like about Trooper Chat that made you want to come onto the show?
Carmen: I've never seen the show before.
Elizabeth: Okay, so how'd you get on?
Carmen: Well like I said, I was on my way to the flight simulator, when I was knocked out.
Dan: Well since we have time to kill, why were you on your way to the flight simulator?
Carmen: I was on my way to the flight simulator because I have this strange habit of always having the right engine on my retrieval ship blown up by enemy fire.
Bob (off stage): So you wanted to practice having the left engine blown up by enemy fire?
Carmen: Why yes...er...no. I wanted to practice so I don't have either engine blown up by enemy fire. Yeah that's it.
Dan: *sigh* Where does SICON find them and why do the keep sending them to me? Well now seems as good as any to go to the skit.
Fade out
Fade in
(Bob, Laurie, Kelly and Carmen are around a fleet transport with its hood up. Bob, Laurie, and Kelly are dressed up like grease monkeys)
Kelly: Why are we dressed like this?
Bob (pulls out script from back pocket): Well according to this we're trying to fix the Lt. transport.
Laurie: Dang it Bob, I'm a Psycho Chick not a mechanic!
Kelly: *groans* Okay, well lets get this over with.
Bob (sticking head into transport engine area): Well now I see what's wrong, the alternator needs to be revamped.
Kelly (looking in): Where'd you get this thing? Out of a 65 Chevy?
(Carmen gives them a sheepish smile and looks at the ceiling. Bob and Kelly exchange confused looks and shake their heads)
Bob: Hmm, I see our tax dollars are at work. Hey Laurie, you found one yet?
Laurie (sifting through box and pulls out something): Guys, the only alternator I could find was for a civilian transport.
Kelly: It could work.
Bob: I don't know, this is a SICON ship, it may not fit.
(Just then Jason leaps out from nowhere, grabs the alternator, jams it in and starts hitting it with his frying pan)
Jason: SICON parts *bang*! Civilian parts *crash*! All made in Taiwan *smash*! I fix it like we fix in old country *bang* *crash* *smash*! Now try it.
(Carmen jumps into cockpit of transport and turns it on)
Carmen: Hey it works now, thanks.
Jason (strikes a corny pose): My work here is done; now I'm off to help other pilots in need, for you see the job of the Intel Fairy is never done. Now up, up, and way (jumps into wall, leaving a crack in the shape of his body in the plaster)
Kelly: Are you guys sure he had a botched Section 8, or could they've given him a full lobotomy and lied about it?
Bob: *shrugs* Either way, he's one trooper short of a squad.
(Nurse Logan walks out and drags Jason off stage. There are little green troopers with wings flying around his head)
Jason (being dragged off): I am Jason the Intel Fairy, all bow down to me!
Fade out
Fade in
(We see host, co-host, and guest sitting on the couch)
Dan: Hello and welcome back to Trooper Chat. I'm your host Dan Wilson, and this is your co-host, Elizabeth Clark, and tonight's guest Lt. Carmen Ibanez.
Elizabeth: You're first name's Carmen right?
Carmen: Yeah, Dan's already made that clear to about 10 million people.
Elizabeth: Whatever. Could you be the same Carmen that captured Johnny Rico's heart and made him join up?
Carmen: *nods* Yeah, he did that. Can you actually believe that he thought joining up with the Mobile Infantry would impress me?
Dan: So I guess this act went unnoticed by you huh.
Carmen: Well not entirely, I did get a chance with him when Zander started flirting with Dizzy, the little charlatan.
Dan: You went out with the dead guy?
Carmen (begins to cry): Yes *sob* I loved *sob* him so much *sob*.
Elizabeth (patting Carmen's shoulder): There, there, I'm sure his last thoughts were of you.
Carmen: *sob*
Dan: *cough* Well while I'm all for the bleeding heart stuff, we've got to get on with the show.
Carmen: *nods* *sniff* Okay, I'm ready now *sniff*.
Dan (handing her a tissue): So Lt. Ibanez, how long have you been a pilot?
Carmen (takes tissue): *sniff* Thanks *blows nose*. I've been a pilot for about *sniff* a year and a half.
Dan: Who was your instructor?
Carmen: *sniff* My instructor was Zander (starts sobbing again)
Dan (uneasy): Well look at that, we're all out of time for tonight. We'll see you all next time here on Trooper Chat.