Okay! here it is, after a long, long period of being stressed out about this story I'm finally posting it! (Perhaps now I can get some sleep!) Naw, Silverfrost says I should be true to my writing and myself, so that's what I'm gonna do! ::sigh:: finally, here it is...the disclaimer-
I don't own gundam wing, though it probably causes me more trouble than it does the people who own it...so maybe they should just surrender it to us fanfiction writers to do as we please with it...that would make everything so much easier (and the battle a less bloody...) NOW finally the story!
He brought his arms around my shoulders, moving them down to my chest…I could see us both in the mirror, why did I have that expression on my face…wasn't this just what I had been dreaming of? His hands moved to the top button on my shirt undoing it. I pulled his hands away but he put them back undoing the second button. I tried to squirm out of his grip but something stopped me…this is what I wanted…right? His fingers moved swiftly down the rest of the shirt and he took it off.
"This is what you want." It was more of a statement than a question, but I didn't say anything…I covered myself with my hands but he grabbed my wrist and his grip was rough. He turned me to face him and he put his arms around me and moved his lips closer to me.
"I love you" he whispered and I shivered before his lips made contact with my ear. I woke up with a start, in a sea of fabric just a shade lighter than blood, in a gray room. The comforter enveloped me and arms were around me. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, was that what happened? Did I dream it? I racked my brain but I couldn't distinguish the real from the fake. I found my courage and turned to face him, he yawned and his eyes opened…smiling, not an evil smile but a genuinely happy smile. The kind that lit up his face and he didn't show to anyone but me. He wrapped his arms around me gently, as if afraid I might break…it couldn't have been real, I just couldn't imagine him treating me as roughly as he did. But I was scared anyway; something in the back of my mind tugged…where were the real memories from last night?
"I'm sorry" I pushed him away and got up, pulling on my clothes and walking out of the room while he sat bewildered. I tied my shoes and got into the car, my watch was on the dashboard…I grabbed it and put it around my wrist…I stopped, my wrist had red marks on it. Worry seeped into my mind but I dismissed it, I must have slept on it funny or something.
"I love you" I could still feel his breath, rough kiss…tight grip on my wrist. I started up the engine and started down the street. I turned my car around, I must be crazy…running away and leaving him in my house, because of a nightmare? I walked through the door and up the stairs, he wasn't up yet. I hesitated at his door but continued to my study. I gasped as I saw that he was in the dark room, sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee.
"Why did you walk out this morning?" he asked he seemed worried.
"I had a nightmare" the image came back into my head and I shuddered.
"What about?" he got to his feet and in a few quick strides was by my side with his hand on my shoulder protectively. He led me over to the couch and sat next to me. "It's alright…you can tell me." He smiled reassuringly and my face fell.
"About you…" my voice was soft and I was glad my eyes were on the floor, I don't think I could have lived with seeing the look in his eyes.
"What happened?" his hand was back on my shoulder softly and gently.
"You…hurt me" a tear fell from my eye, remembering the terrible dream again.
"Oh Quatre you know I would never hurt you." His arms enveloped me and my head rested on his shoulder.
" I know, I'm so glad" I brought my arms around his waist and he turned his head so our cheeks were touching and his mouth was next to my ear.
"I love you" his whisper…in the same tone as in the dream, cold. The breath left me and I gasped pushing him away and searching his eyes, but I didn't find any answers.
"What?" he asked as I got up and fled from the room tears blurring my vision. I smacked into Rashid's chest.
"Master Quatre, what's wrong?" He lifted my chin to see proof of my tears.
"Nothing" I turned my face away from him and towards Trowa who was a few paces behind me.
"Did I say something wrong Quatre?" Trowa stepped up to me. The tears were back; I locked myself into the nearest room, it happened to be Trowa's.
I had furnished this room myself, painted the walls myself, a slate gray…I stained the desk myself, pale gray wood. I hung the picture mirror over the mantel, and I was the one who lined the mantel in hundreds of tiny candles…unburned prior to last night. I flopped down on his bed, a shock of a down comforter that was the color of red wine. Sparse light filtered through gray blinds and I heard a key being put into the door, unlocking it. I shut my eyes, I knew it was Trowa…a warm body lay softly near mine and his hand rested on my chest, peering down at my face from a half laying position, propped up on his elbow.
"Trowa…leave me alone" I said turning my face away without opening my eyes.
"I cant…" his voice sounded quiet and a little high, I felt his face get close to mine as he placed a gentle kiss on my lips, he was well into the second kiss when my eyes popped open…this wasn't Trowa! Duo just about had a heart attack then, laughing so hard he practically turned blue.
"That's not very funny, Duo" I jumped from the bed and placed my hand on my hip, but Duo didn't hear me, he was too busy laughing his head off. Heero walked into the room.
"What are you doing here?" I asked Heero as he walked in.
"Well Trowa told us to come, he said you were feeling bad and that Duo would probably cheer you up…I'm supposed to keep an eye on Duo." Heero scoffed at his pathetic assignment that he wasn't doing a very good job at. I stormed from the room and into my study, locking a door that only I had the key to.
There was a knock at the door and a shadow beneath it, I didn't answer it, I just leaned back in my chair peering through the window at the sky. I heard the door open and near silent footsteps coming towards me.
"Quatre" Trowa's voice penetrated the silence in a perfect and unwavering tone. He must have picked the lock. He stepped closer to me in the dark room, I hadn't bothered to turn on a light…the sun behind the cover of the trees made just enough light shine through to illuminate everything palely. Trowa's eyes were covered by dark shadows from his hair and the dim light. I was glad that I couldn't see them, I knew they would remind me of the dream. His eyes were so shockingly pure…it was almost disturbing to see them set in his calm exterior. They were so painfully pure when…when he wasn't himself.
"Quatre, you're taking this dream too far, it wasn't real and I shouldn't hurt because your subconscious has something against me." Trowa took a step closer to the desk, he walked behind it and took my hand, leading me over to the couch and sitting me down on it. He kissed me and I weakly kissed back, I was still disturbed. Suddenly his grip was ice cold, he pushed me back, I couldn't see his face, his hair shaded it and his back was to the window.
"I'm in control." His voice was low and he kissed me again but it was rougher. I screamed and saw his fist coming towards my face, but it was too late…everything went black.
When I woke up it was bright, I was in Trowa's arms in the living room and Trowa was explaining to Rashid what had happened.
"He tripped on something, and hit his head on the desk…I think he has a concussion." Rashid looked skeptical.
"Master Quatre is usually quite coordinated, he doesn't usually trip." Rashid noticed my awakening and began asking me simple questions. Trowa halted his efforts with a smooth reply.
"How much have you seen Quatre eat today?" Trowa's careful monotone threw a wrench in to Rashid's skepticism.
"Quatre, how much did you eat today?" Rashid addressed me.
"N-nothing." Rashid was defeated, and I was still uncertain…two visions in the same day? Did my subconscious really have something against Trowa? Or was there some truth behind these coincidences?
"I'm going to put Quatre to bed, he needs something to eat." Trowa turned towards my room and Rashid walked the other way.
"Quatre, you really need to take better care of yourself…I don't want you getting hurt" Trowa's eyes were large with worry and gratitude that I was okay. He set me gently in my bed and pulled up the covers, sitting near me and placing his hand gently on top of mine. I woke early; the sun was just beginning to rise. Trowa slept in the same position he was in when I fell asleep, except hunched over with his head resting on my chest, he must have been so tired. Rashid sat in a chair near the door, his head was also slumped over, I wondered how long they had battled eachother over who could stay near me the longest. I smiled and pushed all the scared feelings inside me, I'd put it all behind me and just enjoy having Trowa here. He might have to leave soon if I kept freaking out.
I lifted Trowa's head and got out of bed, pulling the covers out from under him and resting his head on the pillow, I moved his feet up onto the bed and pulled the covers over him getting in next to him and arranging the covers around us. One of Rashid's eyes had opened tentatively and he was smiling lightly. Rashid opened his other eye and ran his hand through his hair, getting up and leaving. Something in my heart skipped when Rashid left…I didn't trust Trowa, All because of that stupid dream.
"Hmmm…good morning" Trowa smiled sleepily and put his arms around me.
"Did you sleep well?" I asked smiling back.
"Oh yeah…real comfortable" he said sarcastically, groaning at the pain as he arched his back. I slipped my hands back around his waist and averted my eyes.
"Sorry I've been so…weird lately," I said quietly.
"It's fine, just remember that I'll never hurt you" He pulled me closer to him so our bodies were in contact.
"Promise?" I shut my eyes.
"I promise" he kissed me softly on the forehead. He got into a more comfortable position and fell back asleep. I just lay there in his arms for a few hours, thinking over what was said and soon I too fell back asleep.
When I woke again it was late afternoon; Trowa was starring into my eyes.
"What are you doing?" I yawned.
"Hmm…just watching you sleep" he smiled sweetly.
"Why?" I asked.
"Just thinking how innocent you look when you sleep…but I think we both know the truth about that…" He smiled evilly
"Are you saying I'm not innocent?" I protested, a smile spreading across my face. He just chuckled a little and kissed me. Terror pounded in my heart until I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed Trowa away.
"What's wrong?" He asked, he looked hurt.
"I'm so sorry…I'm okay, let's just keep going" my eyes fell to the floor. He lifted my chin as if searching for something in my eyes that he couldn't find.
"I can't," he said "not when you're so scared of me" he got up, groaning, he was sore from having slept hunched over.
"Please…don't leave, please Trowa…just give me one more chance" I begged grabbing his wrist. He sighed, as if it were some big favor and sat down again. We just kind of sat and stared at eachother for a few minutes.
"This is…awkward," I admitted blushing a little.
"Hmm…allow me to break the ice," Trowa said moving in for a kiss, his hand moved down from my shoulder to my elbow, and then to my wrist. Yanking it off the bed and pressing my body down. My breath came in short quick gasps, I couldn't scream…couldn't run, couldn't even push him away. Suddenly things seemed to crumble, like a glass hitting the floor, everything in my mind shattered. With a hysteric burst of strength I managed to throw Trowa off me and onto the floor. He sat stunned for a minute with an expression on his face that told me that he thought I was totally insane. I fled from the room and down the stairs to the guest bedroom, the one that Duo had been using. I burst through the door to see an empty room.
"Where's Duo?" I gasped to Trowa who had come up behind me, my breath was coming in shallow pants now, and my head was swimming.
"I sent him away, he wasn't helping you…in fact he seemed to be doing the opposite." Trowa's calm voice was so irritating now; he needed to talk like he was crazy…he needed to…if he wasn't the madman, who was? He grabbed my shoulders.
"Pull yourself together, this stupid dream of yours is making you crazy!" Things were starting to go a little gray.
"Quatre, you've got to breathe! Quatre!" Trowa slapped me; it brought things back into focus. "Breathe!" he commanded and I tried but my chest felt as though it had collapsed, I couldn't bring enough air in. After a few shaky breaths things were coming back into focus. Trowa hugged me tightly, his face filled with worry.
"Quatre…are you okay? Oh Quatre what happened? Did you have another vision? Quatre thank goodness you're okay" His relief spilled through his words, a little shaky with happiness. He helped me up…I was so confused, still a little dizzy, he easily and gently supported my weight. A grin of relief on his face that was impossible to hide, he was in love with me. My face darkened in shame, how could…how could I ever think he could hurt me? Then why did I?
The rest of the afternoon dragged on…I was in a state of confusion, Rashid made me eat and Trowa never took his eyes off me. It was the end of the day when he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him. We went out to the little wooded path by my house…blue evening light trickled through the trees and everything melted into one perfect sea of blue and green.
"Quatre…" He said taking a seat on a rock that sat by the path, he patted the area directly to the right of him and I sat on it too. After a little while he took my hand.
"I think I'd better leave." He said, looking off to the side. "It seems you just can't function with me around."
"But…" I stuttered, a blank look in my eyes. "I'm sorry!" I threw my arms around his neck, crying into his chest and hugging him close to me as if that would keep him from going. After a pause he put his hand on my back and rubbed it rhythmically to calm me. He was very still and quiet as my tears kept coming.
"Don't leave" I begged once my tears had subsided.
"I won't…" his voice was distantly sad, worried…pained, as if he was doing something he shouldn't by staying near me.
It was nearly black in the woods now and I could see some men with flashlights no doubt sent by Rashid to look for us. Trowa suddenly turned to me, one of those smiles I love so much dancing on his lips. He grabbed my hand.
"Wanna run for it?" his smile grew bigger and I couldn't help but smile too. It was a warm night…we'd be okay, but Rashid would probably go psycho. We took off running at the same instant, laughing like children just because we couldn't hold it in any longer. The trees flew by in the dark.
"Where are we going?" I asked breathlessly.
"I'm not sure!" his voice was free with emotion.
"Okay!" I just smiled; somehow that sounded really good to me. We just ran until we couldn't run any longer and collapsed in the leaves deep in the woods. Still hand in hand lying flat on the forest floor gasping for breath in the dark. Trowa laughed, without holding back…I had never seen him completely free until now. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to scream, and cry and dance, I wanted to be in love and I wanted to feel better. I needed time to be alone, but I needed to be close to Trowa just as much. The man I feared, and hated, and cried over, cried for…cried with…needed, laughed with, and loved.
I felt like I would burst with emotion, either scream in terror or kiss him…I couldn't be sure. I just let myself go, let myself think things that I hadn't dared to think in a long time, it was so easy with a soft cool wind blowing through the trees upon us, two forms in the night…I could just barely see the moon through the trees. I realized, at this time that I was splitting into two distinctively separate individuals. But which was I? Had this happened to Trowa also? Was it possible to ignore one side or the other at any given time? I shut my eyes and breathed deeply into myself…down, down, pushing the scared Quatre to the inside, deep, deep inside.
I brought myself back, the one who wasn't afraid.
"I love you Quatre" Trowa's voice was calm but not cold, it shattered the silence and this time I wasn't scared. I smiled as his face appeared over mine, his lips touching mine softly, gently…he had controlled his too.
"Do you ever feel like you want to die?" he asked suddenly, and there was a certain tone in his voice that made the scared Quatre thrash and threaten to come out again.
"Sometimes…why?" my voice shook trying to hold back the fear.
"Just asking" he smiled but it was a dark smile. When I screamed there was no one there to hear me.
The heart-*
In the Desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
and ate of it.
I said "Is it good friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter" he answered
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart."
-Stephen Crane
*"The heart" is sort of the "theme poem" for these two stories, don't ask why...I'm just crazy...
thanks for reading, puleeesszzee review...
I don't own gundam wing, though it probably causes me more trouble than it does the people who own it...so maybe they should just surrender it to us fanfiction writers to do as we please with it...that would make everything so much easier (and the battle a less bloody...) NOW finally the story!
He brought his arms around my shoulders, moving them down to my chest…I could see us both in the mirror, why did I have that expression on my face…wasn't this just what I had been dreaming of? His hands moved to the top button on my shirt undoing it. I pulled his hands away but he put them back undoing the second button. I tried to squirm out of his grip but something stopped me…this is what I wanted…right? His fingers moved swiftly down the rest of the shirt and he took it off.
"This is what you want." It was more of a statement than a question, but I didn't say anything…I covered myself with my hands but he grabbed my wrist and his grip was rough. He turned me to face him and he put his arms around me and moved his lips closer to me.
"I love you" he whispered and I shivered before his lips made contact with my ear. I woke up with a start, in a sea of fabric just a shade lighter than blood, in a gray room. The comforter enveloped me and arms were around me. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, was that what happened? Did I dream it? I racked my brain but I couldn't distinguish the real from the fake. I found my courage and turned to face him, he yawned and his eyes opened…smiling, not an evil smile but a genuinely happy smile. The kind that lit up his face and he didn't show to anyone but me. He wrapped his arms around me gently, as if afraid I might break…it couldn't have been real, I just couldn't imagine him treating me as roughly as he did. But I was scared anyway; something in the back of my mind tugged…where were the real memories from last night?
"I'm sorry" I pushed him away and got up, pulling on my clothes and walking out of the room while he sat bewildered. I tied my shoes and got into the car, my watch was on the dashboard…I grabbed it and put it around my wrist…I stopped, my wrist had red marks on it. Worry seeped into my mind but I dismissed it, I must have slept on it funny or something.
"I love you" I could still feel his breath, rough kiss…tight grip on my wrist. I started up the engine and started down the street. I turned my car around, I must be crazy…running away and leaving him in my house, because of a nightmare? I walked through the door and up the stairs, he wasn't up yet. I hesitated at his door but continued to my study. I gasped as I saw that he was in the dark room, sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee.
"Why did you walk out this morning?" he asked he seemed worried.
"I had a nightmare" the image came back into my head and I shuddered.
"What about?" he got to his feet and in a few quick strides was by my side with his hand on my shoulder protectively. He led me over to the couch and sat next to me. "It's alright…you can tell me." He smiled reassuringly and my face fell.
"About you…" my voice was soft and I was glad my eyes were on the floor, I don't think I could have lived with seeing the look in his eyes.
"What happened?" his hand was back on my shoulder softly and gently.
"You…hurt me" a tear fell from my eye, remembering the terrible dream again.
"Oh Quatre you know I would never hurt you." His arms enveloped me and my head rested on his shoulder.
" I know, I'm so glad" I brought my arms around his waist and he turned his head so our cheeks were touching and his mouth was next to my ear.
"I love you" his whisper…in the same tone as in the dream, cold. The breath left me and I gasped pushing him away and searching his eyes, but I didn't find any answers.
"What?" he asked as I got up and fled from the room tears blurring my vision. I smacked into Rashid's chest.
"Master Quatre, what's wrong?" He lifted my chin to see proof of my tears.
"Nothing" I turned my face away from him and towards Trowa who was a few paces behind me.
"Did I say something wrong Quatre?" Trowa stepped up to me. The tears were back; I locked myself into the nearest room, it happened to be Trowa's.
I had furnished this room myself, painted the walls myself, a slate gray…I stained the desk myself, pale gray wood. I hung the picture mirror over the mantel, and I was the one who lined the mantel in hundreds of tiny candles…unburned prior to last night. I flopped down on his bed, a shock of a down comforter that was the color of red wine. Sparse light filtered through gray blinds and I heard a key being put into the door, unlocking it. I shut my eyes, I knew it was Trowa…a warm body lay softly near mine and his hand rested on my chest, peering down at my face from a half laying position, propped up on his elbow.
"Trowa…leave me alone" I said turning my face away without opening my eyes.
"I cant…" his voice sounded quiet and a little high, I felt his face get close to mine as he placed a gentle kiss on my lips, he was well into the second kiss when my eyes popped open…this wasn't Trowa! Duo just about had a heart attack then, laughing so hard he practically turned blue.
"That's not very funny, Duo" I jumped from the bed and placed my hand on my hip, but Duo didn't hear me, he was too busy laughing his head off. Heero walked into the room.
"What are you doing here?" I asked Heero as he walked in.
"Well Trowa told us to come, he said you were feeling bad and that Duo would probably cheer you up…I'm supposed to keep an eye on Duo." Heero scoffed at his pathetic assignment that he wasn't doing a very good job at. I stormed from the room and into my study, locking a door that only I had the key to.
There was a knock at the door and a shadow beneath it, I didn't answer it, I just leaned back in my chair peering through the window at the sky. I heard the door open and near silent footsteps coming towards me.
"Quatre" Trowa's voice penetrated the silence in a perfect and unwavering tone. He must have picked the lock. He stepped closer to me in the dark room, I hadn't bothered to turn on a light…the sun behind the cover of the trees made just enough light shine through to illuminate everything palely. Trowa's eyes were covered by dark shadows from his hair and the dim light. I was glad that I couldn't see them, I knew they would remind me of the dream. His eyes were so shockingly pure…it was almost disturbing to see them set in his calm exterior. They were so painfully pure when…when he wasn't himself.
"Quatre, you're taking this dream too far, it wasn't real and I shouldn't hurt because your subconscious has something against me." Trowa took a step closer to the desk, he walked behind it and took my hand, leading me over to the couch and sitting me down on it. He kissed me and I weakly kissed back, I was still disturbed. Suddenly his grip was ice cold, he pushed me back, I couldn't see his face, his hair shaded it and his back was to the window.
"I'm in control." His voice was low and he kissed me again but it was rougher. I screamed and saw his fist coming towards my face, but it was too late…everything went black.
When I woke up it was bright, I was in Trowa's arms in the living room and Trowa was explaining to Rashid what had happened.
"He tripped on something, and hit his head on the desk…I think he has a concussion." Rashid looked skeptical.
"Master Quatre is usually quite coordinated, he doesn't usually trip." Rashid noticed my awakening and began asking me simple questions. Trowa halted his efforts with a smooth reply.
"How much have you seen Quatre eat today?" Trowa's careful monotone threw a wrench in to Rashid's skepticism.
"Quatre, how much did you eat today?" Rashid addressed me.
"N-nothing." Rashid was defeated, and I was still uncertain…two visions in the same day? Did my subconscious really have something against Trowa? Or was there some truth behind these coincidences?
"I'm going to put Quatre to bed, he needs something to eat." Trowa turned towards my room and Rashid walked the other way.
"Quatre, you really need to take better care of yourself…I don't want you getting hurt" Trowa's eyes were large with worry and gratitude that I was okay. He set me gently in my bed and pulled up the covers, sitting near me and placing his hand gently on top of mine. I woke early; the sun was just beginning to rise. Trowa slept in the same position he was in when I fell asleep, except hunched over with his head resting on my chest, he must have been so tired. Rashid sat in a chair near the door, his head was also slumped over, I wondered how long they had battled eachother over who could stay near me the longest. I smiled and pushed all the scared feelings inside me, I'd put it all behind me and just enjoy having Trowa here. He might have to leave soon if I kept freaking out.
I lifted Trowa's head and got out of bed, pulling the covers out from under him and resting his head on the pillow, I moved his feet up onto the bed and pulled the covers over him getting in next to him and arranging the covers around us. One of Rashid's eyes had opened tentatively and he was smiling lightly. Rashid opened his other eye and ran his hand through his hair, getting up and leaving. Something in my heart skipped when Rashid left…I didn't trust Trowa, All because of that stupid dream.
"Hmmm…good morning" Trowa smiled sleepily and put his arms around me.
"Did you sleep well?" I asked smiling back.
"Oh yeah…real comfortable" he said sarcastically, groaning at the pain as he arched his back. I slipped my hands back around his waist and averted my eyes.
"Sorry I've been so…weird lately," I said quietly.
"It's fine, just remember that I'll never hurt you" He pulled me closer to him so our bodies were in contact.
"Promise?" I shut my eyes.
"I promise" he kissed me softly on the forehead. He got into a more comfortable position and fell back asleep. I just lay there in his arms for a few hours, thinking over what was said and soon I too fell back asleep.
When I woke again it was late afternoon; Trowa was starring into my eyes.
"What are you doing?" I yawned.
"Hmm…just watching you sleep" he smiled sweetly.
"Why?" I asked.
"Just thinking how innocent you look when you sleep…but I think we both know the truth about that…" He smiled evilly
"Are you saying I'm not innocent?" I protested, a smile spreading across my face. He just chuckled a little and kissed me. Terror pounded in my heart until I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed Trowa away.
"What's wrong?" He asked, he looked hurt.
"I'm so sorry…I'm okay, let's just keep going" my eyes fell to the floor. He lifted my chin as if searching for something in my eyes that he couldn't find.
"I can't," he said "not when you're so scared of me" he got up, groaning, he was sore from having slept hunched over.
"Please…don't leave, please Trowa…just give me one more chance" I begged grabbing his wrist. He sighed, as if it were some big favor and sat down again. We just kind of sat and stared at eachother for a few minutes.
"This is…awkward," I admitted blushing a little.
"Hmm…allow me to break the ice," Trowa said moving in for a kiss, his hand moved down from my shoulder to my elbow, and then to my wrist. Yanking it off the bed and pressing my body down. My breath came in short quick gasps, I couldn't scream…couldn't run, couldn't even push him away. Suddenly things seemed to crumble, like a glass hitting the floor, everything in my mind shattered. With a hysteric burst of strength I managed to throw Trowa off me and onto the floor. He sat stunned for a minute with an expression on his face that told me that he thought I was totally insane. I fled from the room and down the stairs to the guest bedroom, the one that Duo had been using. I burst through the door to see an empty room.
"Where's Duo?" I gasped to Trowa who had come up behind me, my breath was coming in shallow pants now, and my head was swimming.
"I sent him away, he wasn't helping you…in fact he seemed to be doing the opposite." Trowa's calm voice was so irritating now; he needed to talk like he was crazy…he needed to…if he wasn't the madman, who was? He grabbed my shoulders.
"Pull yourself together, this stupid dream of yours is making you crazy!" Things were starting to go a little gray.
"Quatre, you've got to breathe! Quatre!" Trowa slapped me; it brought things back into focus. "Breathe!" he commanded and I tried but my chest felt as though it had collapsed, I couldn't bring enough air in. After a few shaky breaths things were coming back into focus. Trowa hugged me tightly, his face filled with worry.
"Quatre…are you okay? Oh Quatre what happened? Did you have another vision? Quatre thank goodness you're okay" His relief spilled through his words, a little shaky with happiness. He helped me up…I was so confused, still a little dizzy, he easily and gently supported my weight. A grin of relief on his face that was impossible to hide, he was in love with me. My face darkened in shame, how could…how could I ever think he could hurt me? Then why did I?
The rest of the afternoon dragged on…I was in a state of confusion, Rashid made me eat and Trowa never took his eyes off me. It was the end of the day when he asked if I wanted to go for a walk with him. We went out to the little wooded path by my house…blue evening light trickled through the trees and everything melted into one perfect sea of blue and green.
"Quatre…" He said taking a seat on a rock that sat by the path, he patted the area directly to the right of him and I sat on it too. After a little while he took my hand.
"I think I'd better leave." He said, looking off to the side. "It seems you just can't function with me around."
"But…" I stuttered, a blank look in my eyes. "I'm sorry!" I threw my arms around his neck, crying into his chest and hugging him close to me as if that would keep him from going. After a pause he put his hand on my back and rubbed it rhythmically to calm me. He was very still and quiet as my tears kept coming.
"Don't leave" I begged once my tears had subsided.
"I won't…" his voice was distantly sad, worried…pained, as if he was doing something he shouldn't by staying near me.
It was nearly black in the woods now and I could see some men with flashlights no doubt sent by Rashid to look for us. Trowa suddenly turned to me, one of those smiles I love so much dancing on his lips. He grabbed my hand.
"Wanna run for it?" his smile grew bigger and I couldn't help but smile too. It was a warm night…we'd be okay, but Rashid would probably go psycho. We took off running at the same instant, laughing like children just because we couldn't hold it in any longer. The trees flew by in the dark.
"Where are we going?" I asked breathlessly.
"I'm not sure!" his voice was free with emotion.
"Okay!" I just smiled; somehow that sounded really good to me. We just ran until we couldn't run any longer and collapsed in the leaves deep in the woods. Still hand in hand lying flat on the forest floor gasping for breath in the dark. Trowa laughed, without holding back…I had never seen him completely free until now. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to scream, and cry and dance, I wanted to be in love and I wanted to feel better. I needed time to be alone, but I needed to be close to Trowa just as much. The man I feared, and hated, and cried over, cried for…cried with…needed, laughed with, and loved.
I felt like I would burst with emotion, either scream in terror or kiss him…I couldn't be sure. I just let myself go, let myself think things that I hadn't dared to think in a long time, it was so easy with a soft cool wind blowing through the trees upon us, two forms in the night…I could just barely see the moon through the trees. I realized, at this time that I was splitting into two distinctively separate individuals. But which was I? Had this happened to Trowa also? Was it possible to ignore one side or the other at any given time? I shut my eyes and breathed deeply into myself…down, down, pushing the scared Quatre to the inside, deep, deep inside.
I brought myself back, the one who wasn't afraid.
"I love you Quatre" Trowa's voice was calm but not cold, it shattered the silence and this time I wasn't scared. I smiled as his face appeared over mine, his lips touching mine softly, gently…he had controlled his too.
"Do you ever feel like you want to die?" he asked suddenly, and there was a certain tone in his voice that made the scared Quatre thrash and threaten to come out again.
"Sometimes…why?" my voice shook trying to hold back the fear.
"Just asking" he smiled but it was a dark smile. When I screamed there was no one there to hear me.
The heart-*
In the Desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
and ate of it.
I said "Is it good friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter" he answered
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart."
-Stephen Crane
*"The heart" is sort of the "theme poem" for these two stories, don't ask why...I'm just crazy...
thanks for reading, puleeesszzee review...