Manuscript of audio recording from Dr. Michael Hanger. PsyD. September 23rd 2013.
"So Mr. Soundwave how are we doing this week?"
(subject says nothing)
"Have you taken the time to fill out that questionnaire we talked about?"
(subject says nothing)
"Mr. Soundwave? Oh my. Wait. What are you doing?"
"Rumble, Ravage, Frenzy. Eject! Operation...interrogation."
(multiple transformations)
"Oh my goodness!"
"...who da fuck are you?" (Frenzy)
"I'm Dr. Michael Hanger. I'm...uh. I'm the therapist for the..." (papers rustling) "Decepticon Armada."
"No shit? Imagine that." (Rumble)
"What's a therapist?" (Frenzy)
"Something you definitely need." (Rumble)
"Hey fuck you, man!" (Frenzy)
"Uhh...excuse me. Gentlemen? Uhhh...hehe can you call off your...cat?"
"That's just Ravage. Don't worry he won't eat ya, yet." (Rumble)
"Yet?!"
"Slowly, then?" (Rumble)
"Oh my God."
"Hey is this some kind of office? You some kind of college boy?" (Frenzy)
"Umm...well, after a fashion."
"Let me ax ya then, how come you humans always say that?" (Frenzy)
"Excuse me? Say what?"
"Oh my God! Oh please, no! No, please! And all that stuff." (Frenzy)
"Uhhh. I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Huh?! You know for a college boy you're kind of a dumb ass." (Frenzy)
"Excuse me?!"
"Hellooo? Anybody awake in there!" (Frenzy)
"Ow! Stop that!"
"Don't hit em in the head, man. That always really fucks up a human." (Rumble)
"He didn't say it right." (Frenzy)
"Gentlemen we need to..."
"Maybe it only works if you point a gun at em'." (Rumble)
"No please! Stop!"
"I'll be damned, you're right." (Frenzy)
"He didn't raise his hands though. Maybe he's broken." (Rumble)
"Well he sounds like he popped a gasket or something. Uhh. Umm. Uhh." (Frenzy)
"Please! Gentlemen! I assure you I am a board certified therapist here to address your mental health!"
"Mental health." (Rumble)
"Yes. This is a therapeutic session designed to help you express your inner thoughts and encourage self reflection stress relief."
"Like a cerebro shell?" (Rumble)
"Excuse me?"
"Like Bombshell. You know, the Insecticon?" (Rumble)
"You know...that guy's a real fucker. He shot me in the ass once." (Frenzy)
"Excuse me, gentlemen..."
"That wasn't Bombshell. That was Starscream." (Rumble)
"The hell you say!" (Frenzy)
"I was there, man. Soundwave saw it to." (Rumble)
"Is that true boss?" (Frenzy)
(it is presumed Soundwave nods)
"Why, that mother fucker!" (Frenzy)
"Hehehe. If he shot you in the ass was there any brain damage?" (Rumble)
"Gentlemen, excuse me."
"Oh, har dee har har!" (Frenzy)
"Excuse me."
"Fuckin' Starscream. Thanks for keeping me in the dark, comrade." (Frenzy)
"What are you Russian now?" (Rumble)
"Gentlemen!"
"That reminds me, you got anything to drink in here, Doc?" (Frenzy)
"Excuse me!"
"What?! What the fuck is it with you? You fart or something?" (Rumble)
"Yeah, shut the fuck up, huh?" (Frenzy)
"What are you doing? Please stop! That's a very rare Lion fish!"
"Hey Ravage, catch!" (Rumble)
(indistinguishable sounds)
"Good God! What have you done?!"
"Relax, man. Think of that there fish as an...appetite suppressant. You know what I mean." (Rumble)
"...Okay, moving on. Could we please continue with the session? This is very unexpected. I am supposed to be analyzing Mr. Soundwave."
"The Boss ain't big on talkin'." (Frenzy)
"Well then if there's...four of you, I'm afraid I'm going to have quadruple my fee."
(three seconds of silence)
"Whatta cheap ass!" (Rumble)
"Ya fuckin' con man! Way I see it, whoever walked through that door gets some couch time, right?" (Frenzy)
"That's not how..."
"Next thing ya know he's gonna charge us for the fish, too." (Rumble)
"That fish cost two hundred dollars!"
"Fuckin' college boy, what are you tryin' to pull here?" (Frenzy)
"Please! If we all can just sit back down!"
"Are you legit? Huh? Bet this tie's a clip on! Let's see how you like it if we pull somethin' on you!" (Frenzy)
"Aack!"
"Stop it man. You're chokin' him." (Rumble)
"With a name like Hanger? Why not?" (Frenzy)
*cough cough*
"Let go of me! Let me go! Look, I had no idea you little thugs were going to pop out of his chest just now!"
(three seconds of silence)
"You growing tired of havin' all your teeth, Doc?" (Rumble)
"And a head to keep em' in?" (Frenzy)
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I meant no offense! Please, can't we all just calm down and...I'm afraid I didn't get your names."
"We should be on your list right?" (Rumble)
"Yeah, what is that ya got there, anyway? Some kind of file?" (Frenzy)
"No. Wait! These are my confidential notes!"
"Hey, give that here." (Frenzy)
"Get your paws off! You're gonna rip it!" (Rumble)
(papers rustling)
"Gentlemen please! This is detrimental!"
"Detrimental isn't on here. Is he a jet?" (Rumble)
"Hold it still, let's take a read." (Frenzy)
"Really, please, those notes could be easily be taken out of context! They're not for patients!"
(papers rustling, followed by twenty two seconds of silence)
"..."
"Bwahahahaaaa!" (Rumble)
"Heheheheheee!" (Frenzy)
"Gentlemen?"
"Look at that! A teddy bear! Starscream needed a teddy bear! Hey Soundwave, look at this!" (Rumble)
"Oh man, that's rich. Fuckin' classic, man! I'm gonna post that on Conbook." (Frenzy)
"Can I have my notes back? Please!"
"This is some good shit. They should make a movie or somethin'." (Rumble)
(papers rustling)
"Hey man, what's he say about Megatron?" (Frenzy)
(more papers rustling)
"Excuse me. Please. This is all very..."
"Whooooa! Look at that, will ya? You must be tired of livin' Doc." (Rumble)
"Yeaah, man. Bazooka Joe is gonna pull your spine out your ass for writin' that one." (Frenzy)
"Surely you gentlemen can't be serious..."
*Ah-choo* (Frenzy)
(sonic concussion blast, glass breaking)
"Aieeeee!"
"Damnit, Frenzy. Now look what ya did! Ya fucked him all up." (Rumble)
"What, man? It's dusty in here!" (Frenzy)
"My ears! They're bleeding! What was that?!"
"Broke the aquarium too." (Rumble)
"So what? Ravage ate the little Lion King. He won't be needin' it." (Frenzy)
"Lion fish." (Rumble)
"Whatever." (Frenzy)
"Oh God, my ears! Oh God!"
"There he goes again." (Rumble)
"Wait, hold on man, I gotta check something!" (Frenzy)
(sounds of curtains being pulled back)
"Hooyah! Check it out. Broke every window in the parking lot, too." (Frenzy)
"And his teeth." (Rumble)
"Ah, fuck that punk. He talks to much." (Frenzy)
"Stop it! Please!"
"Hehehe! You smack his head and his teeth fall out like a pinata." (Frenzy)
"Hey Doc, can you hear me now?" (Rumble)
"Oh God! Someone help me! I can't hear anything!"
*Tsk tsk* (Rumble)
"Get off your knees, man. How un-per-fessional." (Rumble)
"Yeah, whatta pussy. Good thing you didn't fart, huh?" (Frenzy)
"Would brought the house down, bro!" (Rumble)
"Fuck yeah!" (Frenzy)
(Rumble and Frenzy presumably exchange a high-five)
"Please..."
"Man I'm gettin' bored. Come on, Boss. Let's blow this joint. I wanna stop at Taco Bell. Gotta refuel! Haha!" (Rumble)
"Yeah, fuck this. I feel like I'm stuck in an elevator around here. Who chooses the music for this place? Dadda da dat, datdat daaa! Fuck, man..." (Frenzy)
"I'll get the door." (Rumble)
"Where are you...can't you...help...oh my God. My head."
"Oh hey don't worry, Doc. We were just kiddin' about tellin' Megatron." (Rumble)
"Yeah...and I wouldn't worry about that headache either." (Frenzy)
"What are you...please..."
"Pay the man, Ravage. This sure has been thera-puketic." (Frenzy)
"What do you...oh God, no! Aieeeee!"
"For fuck's sake. They just keep sayin' it." (Rumble)
"Ahh fuckin' A man! I got it on my boots! Can't you be more care..." (Frenzy)
(tape abruptly ends)
Claim number 485A. Adjustment neccessary per evaluation of involved parties. Auditor: Prowl