Remus had never seen anything as heartbreaking as the moment Sirius Black stepped into his ancestral home for the first time in fifteen years. The look of complete resignation as the bedraggled man walked over the threshold of 12 Grimmauld place, like he'd given up the last piece of himself and had finally become the hollow shell the Dementors so longed for him to become.
The day had not started out quite so grim. Remus had received his daily letter from Sirius, who had remained in hiding with Buckbeak ever since his rescue by Harry over a year before, and for once it had actually been filled with good news. Though Sirius had long kept his location a secret, even from Remus, Dumbledore had finally thought it time for refugee to begin his return to the wizarding world. Remus had smiled down at the scrawled words upon the wrinkled parchment, overcome with happiness that finally he would get to see his old friend again. He had not set eyes upon Sirius since that fateful full moon when everything had all gone so horribly wrong. The night that could have spelled Sirius' release and pardon for crimes he hadn't committed- if not for Remus. He blamed himself daily. So many "if onlys" plagued his mind, so many apologies written then erased upon parchment, so many moments where he wished pain and suffering upon himself for what he had done.
And suffer he did. Alone, jobless, without direction, his days were pitiful and depressing, the only light in them the occasional visit from Dumbledore and the daily letters received from Sirius. It was not an over exaggeration to state that they were the only thing keeping him going, that gave him hope. Things were just so bleak in this world-a world for which his friends had given their lives and the very enemy they had thought to have destroyed was back and attempting to regain power once more. But Sirius's letters, filled with hope and light to fill the darkness that had been his life for the last thirteen years, were his everything.
This morning a tap on his window had signified the arrival of Sirius' letter in the clutches of a very wild brown owl Remus had dubbed Bludger. Once he had eaten his fill of bread crumbs, Bludger begrudgingly handed over the letter and flapped happily away to whatever far reaches he had journeyed from. Remus had unrolled the slightly rumpled parchment and smiled. Sirius was finally coming back. He was to arrive at dusk, so as not to draw too much attention, which Remus deemed well-advised. Also he had a craving for french toast. Remus took the hint.
After spending all of two minutes tidying his already immaculate flat, Remas ran to the muggle grocery store and splurged the meager allowance that Dumbledore gave him after quitting, on bread, eggs, maple syrup, and powdered sugar for his friend. Then he went home to wait. Shadows began to stretch across the floor, and Remus read the same page in his book over and over, his mind racing with too many thoughts to concentrate.
Sirius was returning, but what would he be like? The Sirius he knew from before the war was jovial, sarcastic, full of mischief. Joining the Order had dimmed that light, making him more moody and jaded, so what had twelve years in Azkaban done to the man? Remus wanted to be there for him, whether it be a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, but would Sirius let him?
All the mistrust in the last few months before the Potters' deaths, times in which neither man had known who to confide in when there was a spy within The Order, had taken their toll. When once Remus had considered Sirius his best friend, they had diverged, barely speaking sometimes while hardly civil in others. Remus didn't blame Sirius though. The hurts that spewed from both their mouths, from a place of fear and mistrust in such dark times were theirs to share. They were both to blame. He just hoped that somewhere deep down Sirius-his Sirius-was still there and willing to let go of some of that part of their past and regrow their friendship. He was so tired of being alone.
As the light finally began to fade from the sky, turning the mirky grey of London twilight, there came a knock on Remus' door. Jumping from his chair, his heart beating loudly in his chest, Remus attempted to make his way calmly to the door. There, his white hair and beard glowing yellow in the streetlight, stood Albus Dumbledore, and beside him a rather disheveled brown dog. Brown?
"Evening Dumbledore...er...Sirius?" Remus asked, cocking his head at the dog who gave him a wolfish grin.
"Quite right," acknowledged the old professor, smiling down at the dog.
"Er, why is he brown? Wasn't he black?"
"Why yes, Sirius Black I believe," Dumbledore said matter of factly.
The dog made his way to Remus, nudging his muzzle into his hand and wagging his tail. "Padfoot, you're covered in mud!" Remus sighed, running his hand through the dog's fur. Padfoot then jumped upon Remus, sending the man crashing to the ground with a resounding thump.
"I'll just leave you to it," Dumbledore said, a twinkle in his eye. "See that he's fed and then take him home. He knows where to go. I'll contact you tomorrow Remus." With that the elderly man turned on his heel, closing the door behind him before he disapparated away.
"Ugg," Remus said, smiling as he attempted to push the happy mutt off of him. "You really are more mud than dog right now."
With a flash Sirius appeared on the floor beside him, sadly no less dirty than his canine self. "I don't know Moony, I rather like brown...Sirius Brown, has a nice ring to it don't you think?"
"Hmm the Noble House of Brown…"
Sirius cracked a small smile. "I've missed you."
Remus smiled too and ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully. It was so odd after years of separation to really truly fathom that Sirius was there with him, sitting haphazardly on his floor. Though he longed to reach out, to catch Sirius in a tight hug, he still felt that distance between them. They had poured their emotions into many a letter, full of sorrow and regret, all the hurt and blame coming out and finding resolution upon the pages until both made peace. Yet here, in person, it was different. Harder. More real. Remus sighed. Emotions could wait.
"I bought stuff to make french…" Sirius' eyes had already gone wide, "toast," Remus finished, smiling. "But first I think a shower is in order."
Sirius looked down at himself, his usual confidence flickering to embarrassment. "Sorry Remus, I really can't tell you when my last proper bath was."
Remus shook his head and got to his feet. "Don't worry, really. Now follow me," Remus said, leading the way into his tiny bathroom. "There's clean clothes here, make use of whatever you need in the shower and I'll get started on the toast."
As Remus turned to close the bathroom door behind him, Sirius caught his arm. "Thank you, really." The emotion in the other man's words at this small, simple gesture of kindness was almost too painful.
"Of course," Remus replied, swallowing back his own emotions, "What are friends for?"
With that he shut the door and made his way to the small kitchen, grabbed the groceries and started cooking. After a minute he heard the telltale sound of the water running in the shower and hoped it was cathartic for Sirius to wash away all the dirt and grime of his previous life in hiding. Well he was still in hiding. But at least now he could hide with Remus. If he even wanted that.
Remus sighed and ran a hand through his scraggly overly-long blond hair. How was he to figure out what Sirius wanted if he himself didn't know what each day would bring? Everything was so tumultuous with Voldemort having regained physical form after the Triwizard Tournament and the Order of the Phoenix reforming after lying dormant for over a decade. Remus looked down at his ingredients. Life was like baking. Just one step at a time for everything. It was all he could do, all he could handle.
After fifteen minutes the pipes rattled as Sirius shut off the shower. Remus threw two slices of french toast in the pan, hoping the smell would bring Sirius to the table shortly. Just as Remus flipped the toast he heard the bathroom door open and out stepped Sirius. His black hair hung long, down to his waist in tangled waves, flowing over his thin shoulders. His eyes shown bright despite the dark circles under them, and the lack of dirt and mud made him look much closer to his actual age of thirty five. Sirius looked up at him and smiled.
"You look...much better," Remus said swallowing. Though Sirius was still on the thin side, he must have been eating better than the last time Remus had set eyes on him. He no longer looked the gaunt, hollow man who had pleaded with him in the Shrieking Shack a year ago to believe in his innocence. He'd used Remus' razor to shave off his beard and his sharp, clean jawline gave him back a piece of his lost youth.
"Thanks," Sirius said, sitting down at the table as Remus brought over their food. "It's nice to finally feel clean again. Don't get me wrong, cavers are a big step up from Azkaban, but nothing beats a flat with a shower."
Remus winced at the mention of Azkaban but Sirius had dug into his food and didn't seem to notice. Every motion felt surreal, just picking up his fork, eating at his own table, all because Sirius was there with him. It was odd how a silence could be both comfortable and deafening. He hoped Sirius was more relaxed in his presence than he himself felt. Nothing and yet everything seemed right and he suddenly felt completely lost.
After finishing a slice Sirius looked back at Remus who only then realized he'd been staring and hadn't touched his food.
"Something wrong?" Sirius asked warily.
What wasn't wrong? Remus thought to himself. The only thing right in the world was that Sirius was finally here with him.
"No, it's just...I haven't seen you in so long. You still look so much the same, even after... everything."
Sirius furrowed his brow and gave a sad smile. "I know what you mean. When we were writing letters, I still pictured you as I last saw you, well before last year that is...in your twenties," he reached out a hand towards Remus' face but pulled back before he touched him, "less scars."
Remus winced. He hated his face, the thin scar that crossed one brow that loudly proclaimed his affliction to anyone who cared to notice. Which was everyone. "I've got more grey hairs too," he said, attempting to draw attention away from his scars.
"I have no idea if I have any," Sirius said, trying to run a hand through his overly-long hair. Wouldn't let me cut it in Azkaban and I haven't had a wand since then either."
"I kind of like it," Remus said quietly. Sirius let out a sharp bark of laughter.
"You can help me brush it then."
Remus didn't want to let on that he was all to willing to take him up on the offer, so he changed the subject. "Can't Dumbledore get you a new wand somehow?"
"Oh yeah," Sirius said around another mouthful of food, "He's bringing Ollivander by tomorrow, going to sneak him in with some wands for me to try."
"Is there no chance of recovering your old wand?" Remus asked carefully.
"Nope. Snapped it in two they did. Right in front of my face before locking me up."
"Oh," Remus said, sorry to have brought it up.
Sirius shrugged. "Are you going to eat that?" he pointed to Remus' untouched toast.
"Oh, sorry, by all means," Remus pushed the plate toward his friend. Watching as the other man's eyes lit up as he dug into his food, Remus smiled slightly. If he could give Sirius any joy after the horrors the other man had been through, he would do it. Whatever the cost. He sighed. Sirius had always had that effect on him, it was nothing new. And yet after thirteen years, it felt like they were completely different people yet he still walked the same lonely path behind Sirius.
"Sirius," he said after a minute, "what did Dumbledore mean by 'take you home?'"
Stabbing a spare bit of food, Sirius looked up into Remus's amber eyes. He paused then set down his fork, bite untouched and let out a small sigh. "He didn't tell you huh? That figures. Probably knew you'd argue it."
"Argue with what?"
"He wants me to go back home. Grimmauld Place."
"What?" Remus shouted, his eyes going wide. "That...that's the last place you need to be!"
"Yeah," Sirius said, a bit resigned as he started to push his toast around the plate, the syrup making trails against the white ceramic. "That's pretty much what I told Dumbledore too. Thing is, Da may have been a nutter, but he was a bit of a genius at protection spells. No one can find me if I'm there. Plus Dumbledore wants to use it for Order meetings…"
"Sirius no! Please, you can stay here, we can ward this place to the gills! You can't...it's...I don't want you to go back there." Remus looked the other man in the eye, seeing his own sadness and defeat echoed there. It was a bad idea for so many reasons. Taking his friend back to that horrible house, filled with memories of Sirius' parents was not something Remus would do, Dumbledore be damned.
"I know. I don't want to go back either. All the memories, none of them good. But I owe Dumbledore my life. I'd be dead or imprisoned, souless in Azkaban again if not for him. If this is what he needs..."
Remus sighed and sat back. He knew the feeling all too well. Dumbledore had vouched for him at Hogwarts, keeping him safe both as a child and as a professor who had always wished to teach and would never be hired elsewhere due to his lycanthropy. But this was just asking too much of Sirius. To go back to the home where he had been beaten and tortured by both parents, regularly locked in his room and berated for being a freak who had no place in their noble family. Azkaban had already stolen his friend from him once, what would living in that hell do to him now?
"Please Sirius, there must be somewhere else. Somewhere Dumbledore will approve of. I can't let you live in another prison." Remus put his head in his hands for a moment before getting up and walking into his darkened bedroom. Hands shaking, Remus sat on the corner of his bed and took a deep breath. This was such a stupid idea. A horribly stupid idea that could once more take his friend away from him. He fell back on the bed, letting the air escape his lungs as he did, wishing it could take the fears from his mind so easily. After a minute another weight joined him. Remus turned his head to see Sirius beside him, body flat on the mattress and eyes looking straight up at the dingy ceiling.
"Do you know how long it's been since I slept in a bed?" Sirius asked and Remus blinked at the non sequitur. He really hated thinking about Sirius' past. But maybe the other man needed to talk. "Over thirteen years. When I first came to Azkaban, the constant screams, the sounds of Dementors floating by, I couldn't sleep. I huddled under my cot, barricading myself with the only amenity I was allowed. Since then, its been piles of rags in caves or partly disintegrated mattresses in abandoned buildings. I know Grimmauld Place is...not ideal. There's bad memories there. Lots of them actually. But I'll have a bed Remus. I'll have my bed. Its been so long since I belonged somewhere. Maybe I belong there. I don't know, now it sounds kinda stupid…"
"No," Remus replied, looking up at the ceiling as well. It was so odd to talk to one another that it was as if they needed something else to talk at. And he couldn't quite face Sirius, not when looking at him would mean he'd have to picture his friend huddled in terror under a dingy cot in a prison so horrible he couldn't even imagine it. "I get it. I don't think I've ever belonged anywhere. Except maybe at Hogwarts. With you. And everyone else," he added.
"I don't want to live there, but I also kind of want to see what it would be like. Maybe it'll be better this time around, you know?"
"Yeah, maybe," Remus said unconvincingly.
"I mean, you'll be there. Sometimes. Right? That'll help," Sirius said a bit timidly.
"Of course, you know I will. Not like I've got some grand social calendar to keep up with anyway," Remus said, waving an arm around.
"No um, girlfriends to keep you busy?" Sirius asked as casually as he could muster.
"Ha. No. Nothing like that," Remus supplied, letting out a deep breath. He'd never been good at relationships. Sirius had always been the flirt, the man with a girl on each arm. Somehow his friend's charisma had never quite rubbed off on him. Remus blushed. He did not need to think about that.
"Ah well, just wanted to make sure I wasn't taking you away from anyone on this fine Friday night," Sirius said.
"Er, it's Wednesday."
"Oh."
"That's okay, I promise to be there for you Friday night as well," Remus added.
"My my, only just back in town and already I've got a date," Sirius said lightly.
Remus grinned over at the other man, glad the old Sirius was still there, buried but there, despite the years and all the pain. He just wished the joking words didn't send a tear through his heart. But he brushed it off, like he always did.
"So, I guess we'd better get you home then?"
"Let's not call it that just yet. Maybe 'Hell' or 'The Noble House of Kreacher' or something."
"That horrible house elf isn't still…" Remus gasped.
"Oh alive and grouchy as ever. According to Dumbledore, he's been grumbling about my return, hoping I'll live long enough to unsully the family name."
"Well we shouldn't keep your adoring fan waiting," Remus said, trying for a light tone despite the weight that hung heavy over his heart.
They walked toward the living room and Remus held open the front door. "Sorry, can't apparate inside. Do you...I mean since you don't have a wand do you want to use mine? I've never been to your house...which is kinda odd," he stopped himself short from rambling.
"Oh right, yeah give it here," Sirius said.
Remus drew his wand from the holder on his arm and held it out to the other man. It was oddly personal to let someone else use your wand. Remus hadn't even give it a second thought up until Sirius let his fingers grasp the dark wood, putting it to his face to study the whirls in the grain.
"Maybe try something simple first, just in case the wand doesn't...agree with you," Remus suggested.
Worrying his lower lip, Sirius pointed the wand at the front door. It closed quickly behind them with a bang. With a bit of a grin he pointed it at a nasty stain on the wall, banishing it to cleanliness before none-too-sneakily untying Remus's shoe laces.
"Well that's just great," Remus muttered, bending over to retie them with a smile. Glancing up he saw Sirius grinning as he used the wand to do simple tasks that would please only a first year. Or a man who hadn't held a wand in thirteen years. It made him oddly happy that his own wand was so compatible with Sirius. He didn't know quite how it worked, but he'd seen spells go ary when a wizard even picked up an ill-suited wand. Magic was so strange and sensitive, but watching his friend smiling from ear to ear as he was able to do magic for the first time in over thirteen years was infectious.
"Alright alright," Remus grumbled good naturedly as Sirius transfigured an ashtray into a hedgehog. "Change it back and let's get going before the neighbors see."
With a playful scowl Sirius undid his spell, glancing around to insure no one was peeping out their windows at the two men and their late hedgehog.
"Coast is clear. So I guess we should go?" Sirius frowned and looked down at the wand. Remus wondered if he had forgotten how to apparate or was simply biding for time. He guessed the latter.
"Er, we can stay here longer if you want…" Remus started, carelessly pushing a clod of dirt with his shoe.
"What? Oh…" Sirius said, realizing he'd been stalling. "Yeah best get this over with."
Taking a step closer to his hesitant friend, Remus touched a hand lightly to his forearm. "Sirius. Really. If you want, tonight you're welcome to stay. I'll transfigure you a bed next to mine. It can be…" he stopped himself before he could say "like old times." Cause it could never be. Not with James dead. Peter on the run with Voldemort. Remus swallowed hard.
Sirius seemed to sense the unspoken words though and gave him a tight smile that never quite reached his eyes. "Better stop giving me excuses to back out. I may end up taking one."
"Sirius, I wouldn't blame you," Remus sighed sadly.
"It's hard enough living with myself okay?" Sirius growled in frustration, raking a hand through his overly long hair and glaring into the night sky. "It's...I need to feel in control. Just for a minute. Okay?"
Remus took a step back. He knew Sirius wasn't snapping at him, it was the hopelessness of the situation that had gotten to them both. Still, he couldn't help feeling hurt.
"Yeah, I get it," he said softly after half a minute.
Sirius looked down and finally met his eyes, brows furrowing into sad lines as he saw what he'd done to his friend.
"Shit," he muttered. "Sorry, I didn't mean to...I kinda forgot how to talk to people. Remus, just...will you stand beside me? I need you."
Remus swallowed. His heart hurt all over again and he rubbed his chest unconsciously. Forcing a smile, he took a step closer. "I'm here. I've always been here... you stupid mutt," he added.
"I know," Sirius said with a furrow of his brow as if he'd only just realized it. He reached over and put an arm around Remus' back.
Remus started as he was pulled close, not sure what to do, whether he should push himself away. He really wasn't used to human contact, and Sirius touching him was almost too much to bear. Then Sirius rested his head on Remus' shoulder and he could do nothing else but hug him back. It was exactly what he needed. Looking to his right, Remus saw Sirius raise his wand as the other man let out a dejected sigh. "Ready?" he asked trepidly.
"No," Sirius smiled sadly and closed his eyes. A moment later they were gone.