Title: Is that really good?
Character: Sam, Dean, Castiel, Bobby
Summary: Day off for the team, holiday at Bobby's place. Castiel crashes for a break and learns something with laptop. "Sam, is it really that good to have something up in your ass?" Disaster ensues.
Warning: Bottom!Sam hint, Incredibly naïve-or-stupid Castiel, Language
A/N: Just a little play of humor to fill my break. I read too many hurt!Sam and my mind begged for something light for a moment.
Disclaimer: All lies, all fake, I don't own the boys just the story plot.
A little break from Supenatural world could never hurt, even encouraged especially after such a long winding work of exorcism and hunting.
Sam yawned really wide his mouth formed an 'O' shape and stretching his aching muscle. If only Dean was quick enough and had his phone in his palm, that picture would most likely landed on the most popular site for people to admire. Or laughing at for sure. The second choice was seriously expected.
Spending one whole week surfing around the somehow unfriendly town for a small amount of information for their job wasn't exactly pleasant. One time they almost lost their ass with one Rottweiler chasing them for almost half an hour. Thanked God Sam had higher intelligence than a dog they made it alive. From there they learnt not to jump across people's fence before checking their safety first. Then again, who would guess that giant mutt was there? The house was ridiculously small and unorganized even one decent person living there was a miracle. Having a huge beast barking around as a guard, now that was a real life comedy.
Tired as hell they were, the memory still put enough tickle for Dean to laugh. Not to mention the day after when they accidentally fell into the lake. The bitch they hunted really had no sense of humor. She was supposed to stay dead and go somewhere far away to live happily ever after and she picked the wrong road. Sam turned out to be a dumb that day, felt all sympathetic and confronted her. He was, what, talking to her? Every hunter knew 'TALKING' with spirit had a different meaning from 'TALKING' with human.
"What're you chuckling at?" Sam grumbled; one eyebrow almost reached his hairline. Dean had been shaking with laughter for quite a moment and it was disturbing.
"Nothing. Just reminding myself of your stupid theory about 'talking'," Dean replied playfully. "Sadly, I can't help but fell sorry any less for you. Why don't you try to make a thesis and sent them somewhere? Surely someone out there will care enough and maybe give you a Nobel."
"Shut up, Jerk."
"Asshead bitch."
"Boys," Bobby interfered, glaring less soft at the Winchester on his couch. The place was cramped enough with Sam's gigantic body but Dean just didn't have it in him to walk upstairs for a real nap on the bed or just to move aside. "If you idjits are strong enough to bitch, why don't you just go upstairs and sleep for God's sake?"
"Don't want to," Sam and Dean stated clearly. The couch was comfortable enough and the idea of standing up made them even sleepier. "We'll sleep here, thanks."
Dean closed his eyes lazily, feeling relaxed and slowly but surely walking closer toward his dream world. He could taste the same sensation seeping out from Sam's figure next to him. His muscle loosened and all stress evaporated. Voices faded one after another, the sound of his own breathing turned into a lullaby, luring him with sweet scent of darkness. Sleep… He just wanted to sleep… At last…
"Holy Shit!" Sam screamed oh-so-girly next to his ears and Dean jumped frantically, ready for an ambush or any kind of surprise attack. And then he swore loudly to strangle this one man he ever owe once or twice in his life.
Standing like a sturdy tree behind the couch, Castiel gazed down and bowed so low his nose almost touched Sam's. No wonder Sam shrieked one octave higher than his voice in 7 grades. And Dean thought his brother's vocal couldn't get any spookier.
Bobby gripped tightly on his gun, aiming at Castiel like Robin Hood waiting to shoot his prey. When he recognized the brown coat that angel was wearing, his breath rushed out in relieve and he gladly dropped his weapon down on the table. But God, his eyes were still hard and sharp, not to mention the annoy inside that looked like wanted to slice Castiel thin and clean like a butter. As for Sam, he kept his body pressed as deep as possible into the couch. One wrong move and he wouldn't want to imagine what happen.
"Cass!" Dean barked clearly frustrated, scratched the back of his head even though there were no itch or whatsoever. "The hell 're you doing?"
"Staring," Castiel didn't even blink, continuing to watch something Sam wondered himself what? Was there something on his face? Dean growled and decided that time for playing around dumbly was over. He pulled Castiel away from his brother and demanded for a real acceptable answer, holding himself from knocking the angel's head upside down.
Castiel thought for a second for the words Dean wanted him to say. "I have nothing to do," he then lifted his shoulders confusedly. Dean's face didn't get any softer than before and weirdly he didn't find anything wrong coming out from his explanation.
Sam drew a shaky breath and pushed it out from his lungs, at last managed to sit normally. "Uh…" he cleared his throat. "He meant… What're you doing bowing down so low like that and… well?" Castiel surely understood what he meant, right?
"Oh," the angel nodded. "I have nothing to do so I come here, but the two of you are asleep. I don't want to wake you up so I just wait for you to wake up. But it's hard to find out when you'll wake up so I have to watch closer."
"But that's-…" Sam stopped. "Just-… Make sure don't do that next time. Just stay as far as possible and… and wait, okay?"
The angel nodded like a good kid. Dean sighed and frowned at Castiel, he had to cracked this man's head open to understand him completely. He knew Cass was out of bad intention but the way he did it could be counted as crime if not idiotic. And now thanked to this servant of God, Dean and Sam were no longer sleepy. The shock kicked them hard enough to feel awake all over but not fully refreshed.
But yeah, they couldn't blame Castiel for everything. He was just too naïve and nobody had taught him to act 'normal', so poor guy was casted out of ordinary.
"So…," Dean gazed down to ask for an idea from his brother and help from Bobby. The older man shrugged, gave the whole duty for Dean and Sam did exactly the same. "What? You wanna do something?"
"I don't know."
"Cass…" Sam called in a friendly tone. "Ever wanted to use laptop or something?" Castiel shook his head. "C'mon, man, it's fun. You… You can find anything you want; just surfing around the Internet and you'll get it. Easy and fun."
Castiel raised his head for a while, working his brain hard for Sam's advice. He watched the boys and Bobby played that flat-buttoned plate and observed the picture inside that glass… or was that lenses? Plastic? He wondered sometimes. "Okay. I'd like to try."
And then the private school of Samuel Winchester began with only Castiel as the student. Thanked God. If there were more than one Castiel to teach, Sam would turn crazy and banged his head at the Impala's hood. Dean shook his head slightly, leaving his little brother with his business. Interrupting them would drag him in and he just didn't have it in him to spend his time showing Castiel which the space button was.
Nope, he was wasting his time.
Bobby too didn't want to get involved. He left the books he was reading before untouched and worked his legs to the kitchen. He could use a cup of coffee and surely the boys did too. Didn't know if that seraph boy wanted some but throwing one glass for a try wasn't exactly a bad idea. First he should boil the water, take four glass out of the rack and explored the whole cabinets for a jar of sugar. And cream as well.
Dean observed from the couch as Sam explained how to open the browser to Castiel, pointing at the monitor where the cursor was landing. Castiel nodded once, then twice; Sam and Dean guessed he got it this time. But then he just had to ask, "How do you move that arrow-shaped thing around?" Sam slapped his face flat with his palm and swept it to dry the sweat he was squeezing out. He should have asked Cass to do something else.
"Here, I'll tell you again. Here, this's the track pad, okay?" he asked patiently. Castiel nodded. "You put your finger here-…"
"How many?"
"As many as you want-…" and Castiel pressed nine of his fingers innocently, waiting for Sam's next instruction. "… Forget it, one is enough," again Castiel nodded and pried eight of his fingers away. "Then you pushed this button here, and you drag your finger until the cursor-… the arrow thing is landing on top of this thing. After that, click twice and then, tadaa, it opens. Easy right?"
"Yeah… Easier than I expected," Castiel rubbed his chin, full of curiosity. "And you can find anything you want here?"
"Yep. Well… mostly. Any question?" Sam realized it too late and clamped his hands over his mouth.
"How could this thing find what I want that I can't find myself?" the angel frowned slightly, clearly drowned so deep in thought. Sam groaned and regretted his action before. If only he shut his mouth, Dean wouldn't laugh so cheerfully at him now. So now spending the very last strain of his tolerance, Sam showed how to get things done once and for all.
A couple of minutes past and at last Sam managed to take a break from his extra-hour of labor. He looked ridiculously exhausted and Dean wondered if his brother truly worked his energy for something worth his sweat. He glanced over Castiel who now was enjoying his time with Sam's laptop in his hand, his fingers danced all over the keyboard. That overgrown baby was actually smart, only if you knew which button should you press to trigger it, which was complicated. Lucky Sam he pushed the right one from so many wrong ones.
Bobby appeared from the kitchen with two glass of coffee, smoking hot and smelling good. Sam cracked his eyes open, losing his resistant over the tasty seduction from the alluring coffee in Bobby's grip. Dean took it and handed one to Sam, taking a sip and moaning as the flavor cuddled his taste bud.
"How's Clarence there doing?" the older hunter indirectly indicated Castiel.
"Great. He just finds out how to actually use Google and practice his skill," Sam shut his eyes gently as his mouth filled with the warm comforting black liquid. "Man, I could use more of this," he said as taking another sip. Dean hummed and drank more of his coffee as Bobby did the same.
"Sam," Castiel cocked his head, eyes stickily glued on the monitor.
"Hm?"
"Is it really that good to have something up in your ass?"
No, it wasn't the question that hammered sense out of Sam's head. It was the way and tone Castiel using to ask him that sprayed coffee out of his, Bobby and Dean's mouth. Castiel sounded real cool and out of blue, clearly lost that his question ruined the very short moments of his friends' relaxation.
The three of them were soaked and Bobby cursed under his breath. The stain would be a pain in the ass to clean but talking about ass, Sam had a serious chat he had to settle with Castiel, the angel of lord. He had to be the last one standing late when God shared brains to his followers and worshipers. It was either that or he accidentally dropped it the moment he got it, or worse when he tried to use it.
"What the hell are you reading, Cass?" he didn't mean to yell but his shock left him no choice.
"Something the girls inside this laptop called Fanfic… I don't know human could get inside such a small and narrow thing," Castiel amazed, poking the monitor with his index finger as if trying to open a door or something.
"Give me that!" Sam snatched his laptop away from Castiel's reach.
"The article said you find pleasure as you ride that hot strong diamond-rock pole like rodeo. But… wouldn't that be incest?"
"What the fuck're you talking about?" Dean barked out a forceful laugh but it sounded more like animalistic growl. Yeah he wanted to laugh so hard his guts sprayed out of his mouth but with the word 'incest' he got the idea of him being included in this conversation. That wasn't all that funny anymore.
Castiel looked all dumbfounded, cocking his head awkwardly Sam rubbed his own from soreness just by looking. Maybe he really didn't understand any of this… But what the hell? Sam took a peek into his glowing monitor and savored the so-little amount of information he could adsorb before slamming it shut tight. Dean recognized that look, far too well. His brother had an exactly same look when they first found out about all of that fanfic out there.
And for the great of destiny, fate, and the wheels of life… One birdie winged yahoo added in the group. If only Cass would just shut his cakehole-…! "Having sex with your own flesh and blood is one of the greatest Sin. God forbids that and even for you this kind of this is… not understandable," Fuck.
"You what?" Bobby snapped, letting his glass fell down the carpeted floor if not throwing it by purpose. He was glaring at Sam and Dean as if they killed innocence 5 second ago. "Boys, what the hell were you thinking? You-…!"
The younger Winchester took the hold of the shock and surprise, snatching the chance to talk first and chopped Bobby's sentence before he get the worst out. "Bobby, it's not like that! We're not like that!" he panicked but Bobby was too fed up and blinded by the jolt. A proof! Sam pulled his laptop wide open in lightning fast and pushed it up to Bobby's face, so close it confused the older man for a moment. "Here! Just take a look! It was all fake, just a made-up sto-…!"
But Bobby's face turned even redder. What did Sam did wrong? He scanned the monitor and gapped at the sight, smacking his own head upside down. The picture-… He forgot that one. Damn all of those fucking fan girls-! "You and your brother-…!"
"NO!" Sam and Dean collaborated their symphony in one strangled cry. If only they lowered their tone just one octave it would probably sounded better than a breaking glass echo. Dean himself wondered and took a quick peek only to curse Castiel under his breath for looking at something so-… Damn! "Hell fucking no!" he slapped his face with his palm, groaning long and stable.
In that enlarged picture (Castiel actually pressed the full size button and shit happened), Sam and Dean was standing-… sitting-… or was it lying? Well, they were busy 'playing' with each other. Dom and Sub, S&M, chain and whips… you named it. Sam wore torn black tight leather, which barely covered his muscular body, gratefully put his groin in off-limit area. Dean knelt above him, hands groping somewhere behind the shadow, only God and the fan girls knew what and exactly where. And their faces… Sam mixed pain and pleasure inside the pot while Dean shut his eyes close with comfort masked his face.
They had sex (in fanfic); edited-photo guided them well to revelation.
"They fucking edited this crap, Bobby!" Dean punched his knuckle into his waiting palm. "See?" he energetically pointed at the picture. "Here! This's fake, the line over here's the proof!" Why did they have to do this hack so perfectly like a pro? Dean barely able to find the flaw in this one, for God's sake! Ambition and dirty work will always found their way, Jesus Christ! "This's fucking fake! ALL LIE!"
"That's right, Bobby!" Sam nodded graciously, clearly begging the older hunter to get their plea. They were telling the truth! "It's just-…! Look, there's this one guy named Chuck-… Um… It's a long story… Basically, there're people out there knew about us and they used us in their fanfic and they often use me and Dean as their object to write or just imagining things and patch us together and we end up in a relationship even though it's clearly wrong and sick and they just don't care and-…! Dude, too many 'and'! Out of breath!" the mop haired man swallowed as much oxygen as his lungs spared him. "I'm not such a low-classed dirty bitch, Bobby!" he defended himself.
Dean impaled, helping his brother full heartedly as saving himself as well. "Yeah, he's a highly educated geek-brain bitch!"
Sam's hopeful smile fell and replaced by a frown. "Jerk," he muttered clear enough for the whole room to hear.
The angel had the feeling of being left in this topic and raised his hand to talk, only to be huussshh-ed by the other guys. They got enough in their hands to take care and Castiel surely wouldn't give much help with his stupid question. The poor brick head just wanted to learn, blame him for his huge mouth and curiosity. Angel must have forgotten about 'curiosity kills the cat' or worse they had never heard it. Sorry for them…
"Bobby, just listen-…" Dean fisted both hands and waved it in up-down motion, bending his elbow halfway. This joke started to make him sick… Well, it was sickening from the beginning. "You know me and Sam. We didn't do this kind of this, for fuck's sake! I don't swing that way neither does Sam! He has a girlfriend and I, like you see, prefer girls with huge boobs ever!"
"Bobby, you know we're not close in that kind of meaning!" Sam said, puppy eyes flashing around wildly. "We're brothers!" Bobby just raided them with his stare, sharp like an eagle. Sam and Dean gulped hard like a lump of stone stack inside. But then Bobby groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose, grabbing his abandoned broken glass and headed to the kitchen. The brothers held their breath, waiting for Bobby's response.
"I'm going to die faster with this kind of crap…" he grumbled in annoyance as disappearing into the next room. "Last thing I need is me in that fucking-…"
"Actually I did found one with you and-…" Castiel dared himself to open his mouth and kicked back a yelp when Dean and Sam clamped their hands over his mouth. If he was human, he would flipped like a gapping fish with both of his airway being cut. Bobby lined his head back in and his eyes were sharp like dagger, challenging Castiel to finish his words but nothing came out so he vanished before any of them screwed this more than already.
Winchesters fought their way with monsters, spirits, demons and other kind of unearthly creature but never in their life they exhaled breath ever freely. Bobby believed them praised the God; they were clean in this one so obviously no punishment should be casted upon them. Bobby was still barking something incoherently from the kitchen, something about girls these days and fucking porn for a whole living teen.
Fanfic didn't even provide them any income and they still made it willingly. Loyalty served the best worst nightmare to be real.
Watching with no sound coming out of him, Castiel waited for a command to talk but Sam and Dean just looked at him like they wanted to eat him, literally. He seriously needed to find his mistakes; his life was at stake.
"That was stupid, Cass," Sam eyebrows glued into one line, his face was sour.
"What did I do wrong?" the angel asked obliviously, poking his own fingers like a five years old.
"That thing you read was a fan-made, numbskull. All fake, all wrong, all unreal. You read the fucking disclaimer first?" Dean's breath were hot and smoked transparently, who knew maybe fire could bursting out any minute now. Castiel gazed up to recall his adventure in the web and shook his head. "That's you and your fucking story! It said 'this's pure fan-made, everything written here is based on writer's imagination and I just borrow the characters for a play'!"
"So… This's a lie?"
"Of course it is!" Sam gritted his teeth, rolling his eyes.
"You and Dean…?"
"I have a better taste, thank you very much," Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest, tapping his feet.
"And the 'dick' inside Sam's ass-…"
"Skip the detail, if you don't mind," Sam bent his lips upward but his fangs got sharper if that even possible. And hey… was that venom in his saliva? "And yeah, all lies."
"Is that so… Humans do have an interesting… interest," Castiel noted for himself, eying his own shoes and shoving his hand back into his coat pockets. "Sorry…" he muttered.
None of them actually talking before Bobby came back and tell them he would go out for supply. He asked the boys if they wanted to get something he could find and wrote a list. Dean and Sam sorted out their need one by one, busing themselves with Bobby protest for them to go slower. After all he was the one who scrapping the damn pen over the paper and working his fingers raw to move so fast without break.
Little they know Castiel was waiting all by himself. He had nothing to buy and Bobby didn't offer him any of it so yeah, he chose to keep quiet. But he hadn't finished his study with Sam's laptop. Well, he learnt his lesson good enough but his fingers still wanted to waltz around. Out of Sam supervision, Castiel snatched his laptop back and sat on the couch like a good boy, the tool was sitting on his lap. He clicked the back button and typed something on Google search. Something… Hm…
"I guess that's all, Bobby… Thanks-"
"Sam?" Castiel called, using the very same tone Sam hated to hear.
"What-…? Cass, put it down!" Sam groaned and about to snatch the laptop away from Castiel for the second time when he accidentally laid his eyes over the shocking entertainment the angel was enjoying. His face went beet red and he stomped his feet into the bathroom, slammed it hard and locked the door like a mad man. Dean and Bobby stared at him as if the younger Winchester lost his mind then provided their 'what the fuck?' look at Castiel.
"Cass… What now?" Dean fisted his knuckle.
Castiel lifted his shoulder in 'I don't know' motion, hands resting on the couch. "I just want to ask something, he looked at this and went to the bathroom. He looked upset…"
Bobby knew he had a bad feeling but he asked anyway. "What d'you wanna ask?"
And with that Castiel stated his question in the sweetest, cutest, most oblivious voice an angel could even have; eyes huge and head cocked sideways. "Did I and Sam ever have a sexual relationship? Because this disclaimer said 'this's not mine, believe it if you want.'"
'I HEAR THAT!' the three of them stunned to hear Sam wrecked voice cracked from the bathroom.
"Cass," Dean said in his kindest gesture. "Don't you ever… I mean ever, dare to read a fucking damn fanfiction anymore."
~FIN~