Disclaimer: Kim Possible and all of its characters are owned by Disney. I'm just a gal who likes to write fanfiction about my favorite cartoon villains. Enjoy!
That Time of the Month
By Ryan Phelan
Shego opened one bleary eye to the buzzing of her alarm. It was 6 a.m. already. Not two hours ago she had collapsed into bed following a late night raid on a top secret lab. Security had been tougher than she'd anticipated, but in the end she'd gotten the computer disc Drakken wanted. Now all she wanted was the long, peaceful sleep she had earned. However, she didn't become a SUPER villain by sleeping in. Rigorous discipline and training were essential in her line of work, especially since there was a long line of sinister figures just waiting for their chance to take her place.
She got up, threw on her workout clothes and headed down the hall to the gym. Like every morning she trained hard; treadmill, weights, and agility training in the Death Room. At 8:05 a.m. she returned to her bedroom for a hot shower; the warm water felt wonderful, pounding on her tired skin like a skilled masseuse. When she exited the shower, she was feeling refreshed and ready to start the day…until she glanced at the calendar.
It was March 15.
Shego froze. The 15th day of the month was the day Drakken went through the monthly bills. Experience told her it would be wise to make herself scare for the day; unfortunately, leaving the hideout meant sneaking past Drakken's office. Shego slipped out of her room and down the hall, hoping the door to Drakken's office would be closed for once. No such luck. Quietly she sneaked up to the office and poked her head in.
Drakken was seated at his desk, staring intently at a bill. A pile of bills, stacked six inches high, sat in front of him. Drakken's jaw was clenched and his left eye was twitching the way it did when he was really upset. Shego started to creep by, hoping her boss was too distracted to notice her.
"SHEGO! GET IN HERE!"
Shego silently cursed, then turned into the office. Sensing Drakken's impatience, she took her time walking over and settling into the chair in front of his desk. Since he was going to chew her out anyway, she might as well amuse herself at his expense.
"Explain this dry cleaning bill!" Drakken snapped, slamming the bill down in front of her. "Four hundred dollars!"
"I do your dirty work every day," Shego shot back. "So naturally I get dirty a lot!"
"All right then, let's talk about the electricity bill," Drakken said, grabbing the next bill in the pile. "Recharging those gloves of yours sucks up more juice than a…uh…a giant bug zapper!"
"Ooooooh, good one," Shego said, rolling her eyes.
"I'm an evil genius! I make weapons of mass destruction, not clever quips! And don't change the subject!"
"Fine. My gloves get a lot of wear and tear fighting cops and feds and soldiers and a certain teenybopper! They might use a lot of electricity, but I need them to do my job!"
"Well, you've got an answer for everything don't you, Shego?" Drakken snorted. "I can't wait to hear your explanation for this!" He picked up a thick phone bill. "Seven hundred and fifty dollars in calls to 1-900-555-STUD!"
"Hey, the only men around here are you and your idiot henchmen," Shego snapped. "Without that phone number I'd have no social life at all! It's the only thing keeping me from going insane and killing all of you in your sleep!" She jumped up and slammed her glowing gloved hands down on the desk, cracking it in several places.
"All right, the phone bill is acceptable," Drakken muttered, putting it aside. Shego sat down. "But the fact remains that our expenses are out of control. Changes have to be made around here, and I know just the man to do it!"
"What man?" Shego raised an eyebrow.
"Ned Lakerson, financial consultant. Take a look at his website." Drakken swiveled his computer monitor to face Shego. Staring back at her was a pudgy, fortyish man with a large toothy grin and enough grease in his hair to lube a Hummer. Above Ned in bright purple letters read, NED LAKERSON, FINANCIAL CONSULTANT. Are your finances out of control? Are you spending money like a movie star on crack but have nothing to show for it? Let me help you remove the dead weight and start leading a more productive, efficient life. Call my office today! 555-3627
"He's perfect!" Drakken said, obviously pleased with himself. "His website alone tells me he's an organized professional who gets right to the point."
"And will work for peanuts," Shego added, examining the chart on the website that listed Ned's rates.
"Just because he's cheap doesn't mean he isn't good at his job!" Drakken snapped. He reached for the phone.
**********
From the moment Ned arrived, Shego hated him. For hours he sniffed around like a rodent, carefully examining every nook and cranny of the hideout and making notes in a little red notebook. Then he and Drakken disappeared into the office; forty minutes later they emerged laughing like old friends, which upset Shego even more. A smiling Drakken meant misery for her.
"Shego, Ned here has made some great recommendations," Drakken exclaimed, slapping Ned on the back. Noticing the look on her face he added, "I'll let him tell you." With that he stepped aside, clearing a path between Ned and Shego.
Ned cleared his throat and consulted his notebook. "Well, miss…Shego, I noticed you have nearly three dozen outfits that are dry clean only."
"So?" Shego snapped. "I can't wear the same thing every day!"
"Actually, you sort of do," Ned replied. "They're all green and black jumpsuits!"
"Ned has an excellent point," Drakken said. "I have only one outfit and it's the same thing as having an army-sized supply of the same outfit! No one can tell the difference!"
"Maybe, but they can certainly smell the difference," Shego said, wrinkling her nose. "There's a reason people keep their distance from you, and despite what you think, it's not because they fear your evil genius!"
"Go ahead, make jokes," Drakken said. "But from now on you'll be making them in machine washable uniforms!"
"No way!" Shego growled. "Cotton/poly blends will never touch my skin!"
"Way, Shego," Drakken snapped. He turned to Ned. "Tell her some of your other ideas."
Ned checked his notebook. "Replace the free soda and coffee with vending machines. Use generic machine parts for your evil inventions instead of that far more expensive Acme brand. And those electrified batons your henchmen use? Regular batons are much less expensive, and they'll hurt people just the same!"
"The man is a visionary!" Drakken exclaimed. "We'll implement all of your suggestions at once!"
"You can't be serious!" Shego gasped. "Dr. D, I don't think…"
"Save it, Shego," Drakken snapped. "Ned is the only person getting paid to think around here! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to send a memo!" He turned and walked back towards his office.
"Be sure it's an e-mail memo!" Ned said, trailing behind Drakken like a faithful puppy. "A paperless office is a cost-effective office!"
**********
Shego watched as Drakken tightened the remaining bolts on his latest giant robot. He'd spent the last month building it, and now it was almost complete. Earlier that evening the two of them had returned to the hideout with the final piece they needed…a synthetic pink crystal. Once installed it would generate an energy force field that would make his robot invulnerable to any attack.
"Done!" Drakken exclaimed, stepping back to admire his work. "Isn't it wonderful when after all the hard work an evil plan finally comes together? And best of all, this plan was achieved at half the usual cost!"
"Yippee," Shego muttered, scratching her arm. She still hadn't gotten used to the feel of her new uniform. "I just hope your cheapness doesn't come back to bite us in the butt. If the materials you used for that robot are as poor quality as my outfit we're in big trouble!"
"I am so sick of your complaining!" Drakken fumed. "Did I not, just this afternoon, treat everyone to lunch to celebrate exceeding our cost-cutting goals?"
"Oh right, at that lovely restaurant your new best friend Ned recommended," Shego said. "Captain Jack's Discount House of Seafood. Thanks, but I'll stick to my salads."
"Just hand me the crystal," Drakken snapped. Shego did so. "With this my robot will be unstoppable! The world is as good as mine!"
Suddenly a loud CRASH turned their attention to the far end of the room. Sprawled on the floor was a familiar blonde-haired teenage boy, and standing directly above him was-
"Kim Possible!" Drakken cried.
"After all this time you're still surprised when she shows up?" Shego sighed.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, Drakken," Kim said. "But that crystal is going back to the scientist you stole it from!"
"I think not," Drakken said. "SHEGO!"
In three quick flips Shego crossed the room and faced her arch enemy. Meanwhile Rufus scurried up Drakken's arm and grabbed the crystal from his hand. Rufus then tossed the crystal to Ron, and the two played keep away with Drakken while Shego and Kim battled. Shego ducked a punch and delivered a kick to Kim's stomach. It was a direct hit; Kim sailed backwards and slammed against the wall. Seizing the upper hand, Shego moved in for the kill. She raised her arm to deliver another blow.
And then it happened.
The sound of fabric ripping was so loud that Shego stopped in her tracks. She looked under her arm and saw a large tear running down her side to her waist. This gave Kim time to regain her senses and brace for attack.
"Gain some weight, Shego?" Kim smirked.
"Shut up!" Shego snarled, lunging at Kim. Once again the sound of tearing fabric could be heard; this time Shego could feel it run up her leg from the back of her knee to her butt. Kim easily dodged the attack, mainly because Shego was now too distracted to fight. She skidded to a halt and grabbed her leg, holding the fabric together at her rear end.
"Whoa, at this rate you'll end up as naked as Rufus," Kim remarked.
"Oh yeah, well…um, your shoes are ugly!" Shego sputtered, too flustered to think of a sharp comeback.
"Take a break, Shego! I'll handle things from here!" Drakken's voice boomed. He had gotten the crystal away from Ron and climbed into the robot's cockpit. With the crystal now in place, Drakken pushed several buttons on the control panel. The robot came alive, bathed in the glow of a pink force field. Drakken moved the robot forward, lasers blasting, towards Kim and Ron. They dodged several blasts but were soon backed into a corner with no escape route in sight.
"One order of toasted teenager, coming up!" Drakken cackled. He pushed the button marked LASERS. But this time, nothing happened. Puzzled, he pushed the button again. Nothing. Frustrated, he pounded on the control panel but quickly stopped when he realized he had dented it in several places.
Meanwhile on the ground, Kim and Ron were also puzzled. "Um, shouldn't we be toast now?" Ron asked.
"I'm working on it!" Drakken snapped. He pulled a lever, only to have it break off in his hand. This caused the robot's right arm to spin wildly out of control until the bolts in the shoulder snapped; the arm went flying off and crashed on the other side of the room. With only one arm left the robot was thrown off balance, swaying back and forth. Drakken frantically tried to move the legs, but at that point nothing on the control panel was responding; gears, nuts and bolts fell off like raindrops. Ron and Kim watched in amazement as the robot toppled over and fell apart. The force of the impact popped the crystal free; it sailed out of the shattered cockpit and landed conveniently at Kim's feet.
"Well, that was easy," Kim said. She reached down and picked up the crystal.
"It's not over yet, Kimmie!" Shego cried, now wearing a towel wrapped around her waist. Standing behind her were Drakken's henchmen. "Take 'em down, boys!"
The henchmen quickly surrounded Kim and Ron, batons raised. Kim struck a defensive pose and gave them her most intimidating glare, but against such odds she looked about as threatening as a mouse against a gang of tigers. Shego grinned wickedly; watching her arch enemy get pummeled would more than make up for her humiliation.
Suddenly the henchmen stopped cold; many of them dropped their weapons and clutched their stomachs in agony. A strange gurgling sound filled the air.
"I don't feel so good," one henchman moaned.
"Me neither," said another. "I think I'm gonna…oooh!" He doubled over and clapped his hand over his mouth. The rest of the henchmen followed like dominoes, resulting in a mad race to the nearest restroom. The room emptied out in seconds; Kim and Ron watched the whole scene in disbelief, and then turned their gaze to Shego as if looking for an explanation.
"Just take the crystal and go," Shego groaned, burying her face in her hands. Kim and Ron looked at each other, shrugged, and left without another word.
Shego then heard another groan, and this time it was coming from the robot. Drakken pulled himself up out of the cockpit and tumbled to the ground. Staggering to his feet, he glanced around the empty room.
"Shego, what happened? Where's Kim Possible? Where is my crystal!?"
"What happened was that we got bit in the butt!" Shego shouted. "I have the rips in my outfit to prove it! And it's all because of that idiot consultant and his idiot ideas!"
"You leave Ned out of this! How pathetic, blaming someone else for your…" Drakken suddenly groaned and clutched his stomach, which began to gurgle and churn.
"Are you feeling okay?" Shego asked.
"I feel funny…like I'm going to…" Drakken didn't get a chance to finish his sentence. The contents of his stomach launched upward like a rocket and shot out at a certain green and black target.
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" Shego's scream rattled against every window in the hideout.
**********
Two miserable days later, Drakken finally felt well enough to eat again. He lay in bed propped up against a mountain of pillows; Shego entered his bedroom carrying a tray of hot soup, which she placed in front of him.
"There's no seafood in this soup, is there?" He asked nervously.
"No, just chicken and noodles," Shego said.
"Curse that seafood restaurant!" Drakken muttered. "I can't believe it gave me and all my henchmen food poisoning!"
"I can," Shego replied. "For future reference, green is not a normal color for shrimp!"
"All I wanted to do was save a few dollars," Drakken groaned. "Instead it will cost me a king's ransom just to get the operation back to the way it was! Go ahead and gloat, Shego, I know you're dying to." He stared into his soup with the dejected look of a child waiting for a scolding.
"Yeah, well…you did have the right idea, just the wrong approach," Shego grudgingly replied. "So while you were out of it I made a few changes that's sure to make your next evil plan run much more efficiently!"
"Really? What did you do?"
"Oh, just removed some dead weight," Shego grinned.
**********
On the other side of town, a waiter walked out the backdoor of an Italian restaurant with a large bag of garbage. He opened the lid of the dumpster and got the shock of his life; a pudgy man in a bad suit, bound and gagged with a little red notebook, staring back at him.
The waiter pulled the notebook out of Ned's mouth. "Are you okay, buddy?" He asked.
"Fine," Ned gasped. He looked at his rescuer. "Say, how's your financial situation?"
THE END