Dan hated himself completely and utterly. In his own eyes he was the most loathsome worm on the wretched planet. He was worse than the idiots who tormented him with their inane chatter and self congratulatory piss-wank, he ridiculed daily. At least they were consistent, he on the other hand would piss on his own doorstep to make a point and still let Jonnatton Yeah? bend him over and rape him with the drooling fodder he would write for the day-glow dimwits. He was Jonnatton's media whore.
In a way he was Jones' whore too. He never paid the DJ anything for staying at his place, never repaid any of the loans of tenners Jones would press into his hand. He liked fucking Jones but he sometimes wondered if it wasn't compensation he was giving. If Jones' wasn't being a wide-eyed innocent but paying him for services rendered.
The worst part was Jones never called him on anything, he was quick to forgive anything. So Dan tested him. Hung around with the SugaRape idiots at the Nailgun Arms while Jones sat by himself. Introduced him to his sister as "Oh yeah Jones lives here too." Worn that stupid get up on stage with Nathan fucking Barley. And hated himself for it. But Jones always let him off. Which made him hate himself more.
Claire was a breath of fresh air in that respect. She wasn't afraid to tell him exactly what he was becoming to shame him into trying harder. Well she tried, bless her. If she gave him money, she would hound him under he paid back to the pence what he'd borrowed. He needed that slap in the face and his baby sister was the only one who'd give it to him.
He was eating a prehistoric piece of pizza he'd found down the back of the sofa when Jones had tried to take him out to dinner. Like a sodding date of something, as if they were eighteen year old sweethearts rather than a self-loathing prematurely ageing prick and his pretty occasional fuck buddy.
"Come on, you aint eaten properly in days," Jones had whined jiggling from foot to foot. Advice about healthy living was pretty fucking rich coming from him.
"We don't need to go to some up it self place. Anywhere you like," he pleaded.
"I'm not your kept man!" Dan shouted at him and stormed off, leaving the half eaten stale pizza behind him.
Then he went to a greasy spoon down the road and let Nathan fucking Barley buy him a meal. And hated himself.
When Claire was gone some nights (he didn't want to know where, not after that first time) they would creep into the bed and fuck slowly, taking advantage of the extra space to spread out and try different angles and rhythms. In the circle of Jones' sweaty arms he would sometimes forget to hate himself for a while and just get lost in him. Sometimes it would come rushing back after he'd ejaculated violently into Jones' hole, mouth, stomach, hair.
Other times it would sneak up on him when he was still hazy and post-coital and Jones was snuggling up to his side. Do you really think you deserve him? he doesn't mind me How long can it last before he finds someone decent who treats him right? he chose me, he said he wanted me Grow up Ashcroft. He's made of sunshine and music. You think he'll stay with a shit monger like you once the novelty's worn off. Once you're not the mysterious older man any more but some old fart who mooches off him? I don't deserve him. He'll leave me. He'll kick me out. Yes. Yes.
"Wassamaer?" Jones mumbled against shoulder, "Go a 'leep."
"Yeah. G'night."
He'd stay up most of the night, but fall asleep eventually, because he'd wake up to Jones with two cups of coffee and clean sheets for before Claire came back from wherever she was. There would be a dull empty feeling in the pit of his stomach and he'd try to smile for Jones.
"Want to share the hot water?" Jones would ask.
Practically rather than seductively, they both would stink of their nocturnal exertions and there was never enough hot water for two consecutive showers in the morning.
"Yeah alright," he'd say half-heartedly.
They'd climb into the ancient tub and Jones would wash him gently, like a child. Soaping him with his soft cold hands and squeezing sponges of warm water over him. He would wash himself quickly and business like before washing Dan's hair. Claire always wondered why Dan's hair always looked so nice whenever she'd spent the night out.
"Why am I here Jones?"
"Is this to do with quantum?"
"No why am I here in your bath, in your flat, with you"
"I want you here, don't I? Don't be a pillock"
"Why do you want me. I'm all broken"
Jones kissed him sweetly.
"I like to play with broken toys," he said softly.
Well maybe it wasn't a fairy tale, but it would do for now.