Author's Rambling: Hey guys, I'm still alive. I'm starting a new parody series in which I put myself in various games, movies, books, and so on just for the sake of screwing up the entire universe - 'cause that's what I do. The first scenario that came to mind was me playing night security at everyone's favorite haunted pizzeria.

Yep. It's me in Five Night's At Freddy's. I was watching Markiplier, DanAndPhilGAMES, and Pewdiepie play the games when I got the idea. The whole thing probably won't end well. I'm also housesitting and petsitting and thing's get a little boring. I can only watch so many episodes of Fear Thy Neighbor, Forensic Files, Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda.

Disclaimer: I do not own FNAF, that belongs to Scott Cawthon. However, I did use creative license to add in some details to make the story a bit more convenient for my situation; such as the location of the pizzeria in question.

Night 1

Well, I was finally able to get a job - just like my mom wanted - at a dumpy little pizzeria in Tucson. The pay was alright, especially since the amount of duties and work I had to do was minimal and the training was near nonexistent. Turns out that my mentor up and left right before he was supposed to train me, something about a health issue or something like that.

All I had to do for the night was look at computer screens, basically something I do every night. The only quarrel I had with the job was that the only available opening they had was the night shift from midnight to six in the morning. If this doesn't screw up my sleeping schedule to oblivion I don't know what will. My mom was also a little wary that I was going to be inside a big building by myself for six hours, but this was the only job that was going to be an easy snag for me to earn some money for myself.

I arrived at the pizzeria at about 11:45. I was fifteen minutes early, but hey - more time to get myself settled in. I could also use this opportunity to ask the evening security guard what in the hell happened to the place and what happened to my would-be mentor. I used the key I received in the mail to unlock the back door and let myself in, taking a moment to look at my surroundings just inside before shutting the door behind me and clocking in for the night.

Goddamn this place was creepy. All the lights were shut off for the night aside from the dying emergency lights, there were a few trash items scattered across the floor from the drag of the workday. The premises itself looked like it should've been condemned ten years ago. Not only that, but as I made my way to the 'party room' as it was so called, I found myself coming face to face with ancient-tech anthropomorphic animatronics. Ever since my brother's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese I've been scared stiff of animatronics; just the stiff and robotic way that they moved was so unnatural, and their blank cold eyes forever giving off the thousand yard stare. They were even creepier at night, where the darkness coupled with my already poor eyesight gave them ominous silhouettes until my eyes adjusted to the lack of light. Walking backward to avoid exposing my back to one of my biggest fears, I made for the door to try and find the previous guard and maybe even the office I was given while on duty.

I eventually found the hallway leading to the office. Thank goodness I did because it felt like those animatronics were watching my every move, which was incredibly unsettling. I walked beyond the open door on my left hand side and found the office empty but the computer monitors still on. The evening guard must've seen me come in and hightailed it out of here. I settled myself in and looked at the clock on the wall: 11:59. Just in time, although I'm surprised that it took me almost fifteen minutes to find the office.

Looking around at the cluttered office I muttered, "This place looks like a failed combination of Peter Piper's and Chuck E Cheese."

The phone started to ring, making me nearly jump out of my skin. I looked at the old thing and noticed that it was a queued message set to play at midnight. I lightly pressed the flashing red button and waited for whoever recorded the message to speak.

"Hello, hello? Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I actually worked in that office before you. I'm finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact."

"Oh, so you're my wayward mentor." I mumbled as I turned my attention to the computer monitors. The job application I filled out was pretty clear on what I was supposed to do. So I went ahead and started work and just let the guy on the phone ramble.

"So, I know it can be a bit overwhelming, but I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about. Uh, you'll do fine. So, let's just focus on getting you through your first week. Okay?"

I scoffed, switching the camera window to the main stage, giving myself a scare as I saw my favorite animatronics, "This is unorthodox. What kind of company is this?"

"Uh, let's see, first there's an introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read. Uh, it's kind of a legal thing, you know. Um, 'Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. A magical place for kids and grown-ups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life.'"

"Nice rhyme, Dr. Seuss."

"Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovering that damage or death has occurred, a missing person report will be filed within 90 days, or as soon property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached, and the carpets have been replaced.'"

I stared at the phone for a long moment after the guy finished reading the statement, appalled that that is the actual welcome statement that they decided to go with. It was unnerving the say the least, frightening to say the most.

"I'm pretty damn sure that's illegal." I pondered as the phone guy continued on.

"Blah blah blah, now that might sound bad, I know, but there's really nothing to worry about. Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No. If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath? I'd probably be a bit irritable at night too. So, remember, these characters hold a special place in the hearts of children and we need to show them a little respect, right? Okay."

"This place looks like there haven't been any patrons - or a decent janitor - since the early 90s. What the hell are you on about?"

"So, just be aware, the characters do tend to wander a bit. Uh, they're left in some kind of free roaming mode at night. Uh...Something about their servos locking up if they get turned off for too long. Uh, they used to be allowed to walk around during the day too. But then there was The Bite of '87. Yeah. I-It's amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know?"

I started at the phone again, even more shocked and frightened than I was before if that was even possible. "What in the ever-loving fuckshit?" Was all I could say. I looked back at the monitor, scared to death at the fact that these things of my worst nightmares are going to be wandering around sometime during the night. What have I gotten myself into?

"Uh, now concerning your safety, the only real risk to you as a night watchman here, if any, is the fact that these characters, uh, if they happen to see you after hours probably won't recognize you as a person. They'll p-most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton without its costume on. Now since that's against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, they'll probably try to...forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit. Um, now, that wouldn't be so bad if the suits themselves weren't filled with crossbeams, wires, and animatronic devices, especially around the facial area. So, you could imagine how having your head forcefully pressed inside one of those could cause a bit of discomfort...and death. Uh, the only parts of you that would likely see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth when they pop out the front of the mask, heh."

I felt the growing feeling of a monkey's fist in my gut. This sounded like something straight from a CreepyPasta. It was bad enough that there were going to be animatronics at nighttime, even worse that now I'm hearing that they're going to be wandering around because the owners are too cheap to find a decent mechanic to look after them, now I'm hearing that these goddamn freaks of nature have some slight sentience and will kill me by stuffing me inside some decrepit costume Iron-Maiden-style? I felt absolutely sick to my stomach, how the fuck is this place still open!? Who decided this!? Who did they have to pay off!?

"Y-Yeah, they don't tell you these things when you sign up. But hey, first day should be a breeze. I'll chat with you tomorrow. Uh, check those cameras, and remember to close the doors only if absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power. Alright, good night."

For once, I was silent. Scared on the verge of tears. My imagination running wild as I stared blankly at the computer screen set to the camera facing the stage. I looked to my right and left and noticed a couple of buttons on either side for a light and for closing and opening the doors. Why did I have to take this job? And of course if I want to quit in the middle of the week my mom's going to throw a fit and not speak to me for a few days, claiming that I'm not putting in enough effort and should give it at least a month before trying to quit. Kind of hard to put in a decent amount of effort when you have to be locked up in a creepy building with one of your worst fears who know somehow have enough sentience to move and murder.

I decided that since I need to conserve power, because apparently the animatronics are more important than my safety, I closed the computer monitor and decided - very stupidly I might add - to go check out the place with my keychain flashlight. I wandered out of the office and down the hallway. As if to troll me, the emergency lighting was now flickering, making the place seem even more decrepit and frightening. I made my way to the hallway entrance to the party room and silently as possible.

When I got there everything seemed normal. The animatronics were still in their places and nothing on the main floor had been disturbed. I started to calm down as I stood in the doorway.

"Probably only saying that to scare the ever-living daylights out of me. Well, it worked, you asshole." I muttered as I ventured out of the hallway and onto the main floor to explore around a little bit. I figured that, if these things did move, I'd hear them. They're made of solid metal and probably extremely heavy, so they're bound to make some kind of noise. I wandered around the party room, making sure to glance every so often at the animatronics that were still standing on the stage. I walked around the main floor before stopping at what was called Pirate Cove, which had a curtain drawn concealing something. Curious, I pulled the curtain back ever so slightly and found yet another animatronic.

"Jiminy Crickets, how many animatronics does one rundown pizzeria need?" I said as I moved the curtain back to hide the giant metal fox behind it. After exploring the old building as much as I could without my imagination taking me to very dark and gory places I headed back to the office. Since I was going to be here for six hours with not a whole lot of things to do I brought my backpack full of my own entertainment. I had brought with me a book, my brand new tablet (I had unfortunately dropped the other one on the kitchen tile) and my Smartphone. The book was pretty self explanatory, but I could play Mortal Kombat X mobile on my tablet and listen to music on my phone. Since I was the only person here, it didn't matter if I slacked off a little bit - no one was here to tell me off. And if the animatronics did move, I made sure to keep one earphone off.

I slid my tablet out of my backpack and opened the Mortal Kombat game app. Might as well up my online rank if I'm gonna be here for six hours with virtually nothing to do. I'll look at the cameras every so often. The game started and I quickly forgot about the phone call telling me that the animatronics were likely to kill me, soon becoming much more focused in increasing my online rank to top ten percent.

I had probably played an hours worth of online matches and challenge towers before closing the app and going to check the cameras. Before opening the screen I looked up at the clock: 1:19. Well, I made over an hour. Looks like I'm doing pretty good. I checked all of the screens to make sure nothing was out of place. Nothing. I shut the monitor and leaned back in my chair, opening up the Tumblr app to scroll around for a bit...or a lot.

I continued to hear nothing for almost three hours. Then, at about 4:14 according to the clock, I heard an ominous clang of metal. My eyes darted up to the wall and frantically looked side to side. Silently hoping that whatever it was I heard were the vents, or at worst a burglar, I hesitantly opened the computer to check the cameras.

What I saw made me want to run screaming from the premises.

Sure enough, there was an animatronic - moving completely on it's own, looking as if it were about to descend from the stage and onto the main floor. I quickly switched the camera to the party room just in time to see it enter the frame and stop. At the same time that was happening I could hear loud clangs of metal on metal down the hall. I sat there, completely at a loss of what to do and scared out of my mind. The guy on the phone wasn't joking after all, and worse these damn things probably know I'm here already.

I sat stiff as a board in my chair, foolishly thinking that if they can't hear me they'll think I'm not here. Yeah, great Jurassic Park logic, idiot - you already made yourself known to them when you walked into the party room...twice. I couldn't make myself get up and close the doors, for fear that they might hear me.

I continued to watch the giant animatronic rabbit slowly wander the party room, as well as listening to the metal on metal clashes that went along with the movement. The rabbit stopped in the middle of the room and turned around to look seemingly directly at the camera, almost mocking me. I managed to tear my eyes away from the screen and looked around the office, looking for a place to hide if they ever came down the hallway. The only place I could find were the air vents above my desk, but it wasn't clear whether they'd hold my weight or not. I decided that I might try that another day - early on in the shift when they're not already moving.

I carefully closed the monitor and decided to just listen to the clangs outside, which in hindsight was probably a better solution than to continually look at shitty cameras and waste power. I leaned back in my chair and tried to relax - a near impossible feat now that the animatronics were now moving around. I quickly glanced at the clock and noticed that only about five minutes have passed. Great, now that stuff was actually happening time was going to slow down just to bite me in the ass and torture me slowly. I reached for my book and tried to read when I heard the ever familiar clangs of metal growing steadily louder. What that thing coming for me already? I quickly flipped open the monitor and trained it on the hallway camera and sure enough, there was that goddamn rabbit at the end, ever so slowly making its way down the hall toward the office.

They're giant robots. I thought in a vain attempt to calm myself. I'll hear it well before it gets to me. I'll be fine. I heard the clangs get significantly louder and louder, then just stop. I stared at the left hallway for a long time, wondering if it was right outside now. I slowly and silently got up from my chair again to check, not even bothering with the cameras anymore. I waited at the wall by the door close button for five seconds before slamming the button with my fist. The hydraulic springs for the door engaged and closed. I looked up at the clock again: 4:29. I've got an hour and a half until my shift is over.

I've only been on the cameras for twenty minutes max, the door's been closed for only thirty seconds, and I haven't even used the lights. If I just turn off the monitor - I can probably just camp with the doors closed for the rest of the shift. I decided to execute this plan and crossed the room to the right hallway entrance and closed the door. Feeling infinitely safer now with the doors closed, I walked back over to the desk and looked at the monitor one last time. The rabbit was now pretty damn close to the door, given away by the now muffled clangs outside, and the chicken had now stepped off the stage and was wandering around the main floor, but at a much slower pace than the rabbit. I sighed in relief and closed the monitor, shutting it down to conserve as much power as I could. I picked up my book again and started to read.

Everything went pretty smoothly from there on out, to my greatest surprise. Every so often I'd hear crashes of metal coming and going from the hallway on either side of me, but thankfully the doors were closed and nothing could get in. I felt a little better about the job despite myself. If these things kept this kind of routine up: only becoming active later on in the shift; then I could just sit on my ass playing Mortal Kombat or scroll through Tumblr and if I hear them coming down the hallway I could easily close the doors and camp out for the rest of the shift. Great, I have a plan - I still hate this place with a fiery burning passion straight from the seventh circle of Hell, though.

Time passed fairly quickly from that point onward, and soon enough six o'clock read on the clock on the wall and it was time for me to leave for the day. Tired, sluggish, and irritable from the lack of sleep I opened the doors and trudged down the hallway dragging my backpack behind me; not even having the strength to pick it up and sling it onto my shoulder. I clocked out and slowly walked back to my old beat up Jeep, not even daring to take a second look back at the dreadful place. None of the early morning employees spoke to me on my way out, something that I was very grateful for, but they did give me some surprised and also sympathetic looks as I walked past them. Shrugging it off, I threw myself into the driver's seat and started up the hunk of junk so I could drive down to my volunteer job at The Animal League of Green Valley.

There you have it, Minions - the first chapter. Let me know what you think.