(Final Fantasy and all related terminology remains the property of Squaresoft and Square Enix. This is a work of fanfiction and love. Please don't sue me)
WARNING: Foul language and sexual innuendo abound in this story. Please proceed with caution. If you read my Fire Emblem Self Insert story and didn't like it, this one probably isn't for you, either.
THAT'S RIGHT! I'MA RUIN FINAL FANTSY THIS TIME!
The Truth of the Heroes of Light
There are so many stories told of the four heroes of light. Daewoo, the most powerful Black Mage ever to wield the craft, master of the forbidden magic Flare. Floe, the beautiful and strong White Mage paragon who was able to master the sacred spell Holy faster than any before her. Sauber, the sly Thief that supported the others from the shadows, using his skill to greater effect than any other weapon. And Zest, the Warrior of Light, their leader, the wandering master of the sword and the epitome of chivalry. These four warriors awakened in a field outside of Cornelia with no memory, with only the crystal shards clutched in their hands, and proceeded to save the world.
Or so the stories say, anyway.
Most of those stories are embellishments. Some outright lies.
No mention of the stoic Back Belt, Shin, who gave his life for the quest. Nothing about Sauber's true identity as a teenaged girl named Lilly. And not even a peep about the true hero, the devilishly handsome mage-warrior Jax.
Never mind the fact that Zest was a foul-mouthed mercenary, Daewoo a quiet sociopath who just liked to blow things up, and Floe was a timid, neurotic mess for most of the trip.
How do I know these things?
Because I was there.
I joined them on their quest to defeat the Fiends, bring light back to the crystals and save the world. And in doing so I was dragged all over said world, through dungeons and through flames and war and through time itself. I joined them so that the truth of matters could be known. And know it you shall.
It all started, as so many other stories do…
In a dingy bar in the kingdom of Cornelia, often considered the 'center of the world' due to its influence and geographic location, six forms sat around a table staring into their drinks. As far as five out of six of these forms were concerned, the 'Center of the World' was just another shit-hole with no work.
A young woman in green clothes glanced around at her companions from beneath her forest green bandana and fringe of auburn hair, waiting for someone to speak. She spun her dagger lazily, the point embedded in the table as she used one finger to hold it in place and one to spin it. The barman gave her a dirty look, but judging from the condition of the tavern no one really cared.
Her name was Lilly, or 'Sauber' depending on who you asked, and before she had joined this band of adventurers she had been a thief in the south, in Melmond, pretending to be a man. Things had gotten hard with the earth rotting, though, so she'd decided to head north with them, but…
"Well, we're broke," Zest, the warrior in battered old red armor across the table sighed.
"Flat broke?" Jax asked, the absurdly well-dressed red mage flipping the rim of his wide-brimmed hat up.
"Used our last gil to buy these drinks," Zest sighed.
The red-adorned mage groaned, shaking his head. "You are the worst mercenary ever. Of all time. Aren't you people supposed to be good with money?"
"Oh fuck off," Zest muttered into his mug. "Bitch all you want, it doesn't change the fact we've got no gil."
The only other woman in the party, the white mage Floe, groaned and seemed to shrink in her seat as she made a despaired face. Beneath the rim of his own wide-brimmed, pointed hat the black mage Daewoo looked thoughtful for a moment, rubbing his chin in the shadow of his hat. The martial artist Shin looked as impassive as ever, his thick arms crossed before his chest beneath his great bushy beard and his drink going untouched as he silently watched the others.
"Brilliant," Jax sighed. "Now what?"
"W-we can… try heading north?" Floe suggested timidly.
"That's not a bad idea," Lilly piped up. "The further away from the earth-rot, the better."
"We'd need a boat," Daewoo pointed out. "And we can't pay any fare without cash."
"Not that anyone's sailing right now with the wind being gone and all," Zest added.
"We could steal a boat?" Lilly suggested.
"Oh, you're a pirate now?" Jax countered.
"I'm just a really good thief," Lilly winked. "For instance you still haven't noticed your precious writing quills missing, have you?"
"What?" Jax muttered, patting down his pockets. "You little bitch… when did… how…"
"Mercenary work again, then?" Daewoo sighed, cutting off their banter.
"I don't wanna do mercenary work again!" Floe groaned. "I'm tired of killing monsters and getting nothing for it."
"Much as I am loathe to suggest it, we could always just rough it in the woods until we-" Jax started to say.
"No!" Floe and Lilly cried out, emphatically rejecting his suggestion.
Daewoo and Zest grinned, and the impassive Shin actually snorted as Jax frowned and shrugged.
"Okay, then by all means, what would you suggest?" he pointedly asked the girls.
They fell silent, each of the group lost in their thoughts. After a moment Shin leaned forward, thumping his fist onto the table. When he lifted his hand, the dull crystal left on the table in its wake rocking back and forth slightly.
"I know, I know," Zest sighed. "We have 'an important mission' to take care of. But without funds we can't eat, let alone save the world."
The truth of the matter was that Zest, Daewoo, Floe and Shin had all been chosen to be bearers of the 'crystals', mystical items that would somehow save the world if they could defeat the fiends corrupting their power source. Lilly had just kind of fallen in with the group without knowing this at the time, but Jax was following to make a record of their journey 'for future generations'. Or so the foppish mage insisted, anyway. Lilly was convinced he was just following them to hit on the barmaids in the taverns and inns that they frequented.
The table of adventurers, heroes and one thief grew silent again, waiting for someone to make a suggestion. Zest, the de facto leader of their group due to his time as a mercenary commander, was offering nothing, and clearly no one wanted the responsibility if another money-making plan/scheme fell through again. They had set up Daewoo as a fortune teller at one point, but the church had taken exception to that. Something about witchcraft, Lilly had been too busy running at the time to listen to whatever the Paladin from the church had been screaming. They had tried dressing the young thief up in Floe's spare robe and sending the two women to the crowded marketplace to collect donations 'for the church'. Which had gone great, until they had literally walked into the real collectors. How Floe could move about so freely in the damned robes Lilly would never know, but the encounter had ended in more screaming and running. And the loss of Floe's spare robe when Lilly had gotten frustrated enough to tear it off and throw it like a projectile at the nuns chasing them. Shin disappeared from time to time, doing Gods only knew what, but always returned with a few gil or some form of dead animal for them to eat. But Lilly had the sneaking suspicion she'd eaten some poor bastard's cat the last time 'mystery meat' had been on the menu. Jax, being quite the accomplished gambler, could usually score them a few extra gil, but being that the church held a tight grip on Cornelia in such troubled times a lot of the local gambling houses had shut down. Much to his pronounced depression and gratuitous, colorful cursing for days on end, which had amused Lilly greatly. Occasionally their leader would take bounty hunting work, too, but in a city the size of Cornelia there was too much competition from pros, so he was relegated to small-time bounties. Which had left Zest's mercenary contacts as a last resort. And they were all sick of killing goblins and wolves and getting next to nothing for it.
With a collective sigh, the mood at the table fell even further. Zest shook his head, upending his tankard and draining the remains of the mug.
"Fuck it, we're gonna have to set up camp outside town," the former mercenary finally declared, setting the empty tankard back on the table.
Lilly and Floe both groaned, the thief letting herself go limp in her chair in protest while the mage blinked back frustrated tears.
"Joy," Daewoo muttered.
"Oh good," Jax drawled much more animatedly. "I was just beginning to get sick of being able to get a good night's sleep, pining for the hard, lumpy forest floor and constant fear of waking up with my head in a wolf's mouth."
"Oh, one time," Zest snorted.
That evening Lilly stared absently into the fire-pit, twirling one of Jax's favorite quills around her fingers as she waited for Daewoo to be finished with dinner. Despite the Back Mage's gruff demeanor and quiet nature he was actually quite the cook, but the way that the firelight cast shadows on his thin face beneath his high, pointed hat made Lilly begin to see why the church had been so quick to label him a witch. Still, though, he carefully stirred the contents of the pot above the fire, the voluminous sleeves of his deep blue robe rolled up past his elbows.
Lilly let out a small sigh. They were camping again. Much to her and Floe's great reluctance. And gratuitous, colorful cursing.
Jax and Zest had hung back in town while the others had gone to set up camp, both men hoping to get some information that they could use to make a little more cash for their quest. Zest had returned first, bearing more goblin hunting contracts. Now he was sitting on the opposite side of the fire sharpening his sword with the same ground-down whet-stone he'd been using for the entire time Lilly had known him. How he didn't cut his fingers with that stub of a stone was a mystery to her…
"Jax is really late," Floe said, looking nervously into the forest in the direction of the city.
The White Mage had her hood drawn back to reveal a face almost as young as Lilly's. But where her hair was long and auburn Floe's was cut in a short pixie style, and a bright orange ginger color. Complete with her pristine white robes edged with deep scarlet and the light brushing of freckles across her face she cut the perfect figure of an innocent White Mage nun from any church across the world. Or she would, if she didn't have such a gigantic rack. They were so big it was almost sacrilegious for a woman of the cloth.
Lilly looked down at her own comparatively tiny bust and sighed again, telling herself for the thousandth time that they would just get in her way as a thief. Plus having small boobs had made it easier to pretend to be a man…
Lilly let out a third sigh. The world just wasn't fair.
Shin was probably off meditating in the forest somewhere. He did that. It was weird, but no one said anything about it, so Lilly had left it alone and eventually gotten used to it. The antisocial martial artist was a mystery to her, but she'd once seen him beat an entire pack of wolves to death with his bare hands, so she wasn't about to pester him. About anything.
A little further back from Zest were the two tents they owned, the original forest green canvas so patched and worn they were barely recognizable. The two girls shared their tent with the majority of the gear, while the boys all had to pile into the slightly larger second tent every night. This was made easier by the fact that when it was a clear night Shin usually just slept in the forest, but Jax and Daewoo still complained incessantly about Zest's snoring.
Jax complained about everything, though, so Lilly tended to ignore him.
"He'd best get back soon," Daewoo mumbled. "Or I'm not saving him dinner. It's weak enough as it is."
As he spoke the Black Mage waved his hand a little, a small tendril of flames from the fire shooting up and lighting the top of the contents of the cooking pot on fire with a great 'whoosh'. Everyone present ignored this, though; his cooking style, or his anything really, tended to involve copious amounts of fire. Floe did shoot him a nervous glance when he started cackling under his breath to himself, though.
As if summoned by the others talking about him there was a rustling in the bushes around their camp, and a frowning Jax appeared. He hesitated and raised one perfect eyebrow at the flaming pot before shaking his head and continuing towards the fire.
"Is no one going to comment on the fact our dinner is aflame?"
"It's a controlled burn," Daewoo said confidently.
"Last time you said that we had to use my cape to patch the girls' tent," Zest chimed in.
"No one understands my art," Daewoo muttered dejectedly, waving a hand again and extinguishing the flaming pot.
"I thought it was very… flamey?" Floe offered placatingly.
Daewoo snorted, looking away to hide his satisfied smirk, apparently mollified as Jax stepped up next to the fire.
"Alright ladies and gentlemen. And Zest."
"Hey, c'mon man…"
"I believe I may have solved our money issues," Jax continued.
The whole group grew deathly silent, Jax allowing the moment to stretch on with an insufferably pleased grin on his face. This lasted until Shin reappeared in the circle of firelight, the silent fighter's intense gaze clearly making Jax uncomfortable. The Red Mage adjusted his hat and cleared his throat before launching into a little speech.
"I have heard from various sources that the lovely Princess Sarah has been kidnapped by the Cornelia's former Knight General, Garland. She has been taken to the Chaos Shrine in the north. If we rescue her, it should give us enough capital to fund this entire endeavor. You're welcome."
"So there's a reward?" Zest asked first. "A bounty on Garland?"
Jax shook his head, crossing his arms and sinking to a hip.
"No, my good mercenary, there is not. The King wishes to keep this quiet so as not to incite further panic in these troubled times. But if we swoop in and save her before the King's Knights do we will have royalty indebted to us. So we will have very little competition. And in my experience indebted royalty are traditionally very, very generous."
"I know your game, Jax. We need gil, not a blowjob," Zest growled.
"You wound me, Zest!" Jax cried theatrically, before adding with a wink, "besides, that part usually comes before the return and the reward, when the gratitude is still at its peak."
"As a plan I think it has merit," Daewoo said slowly. "The rescuing the princess part, not the blowjob part. I'd like to blow up something besides goblins and wolves for a change."
Lilly had to smirk as Floe let out a little groan, blushing red to the ears at all the vulgarity around her. She really had been an innocent, cloistered sister. With a huge rack.
"I'm in," the thief added. "Shrines have nice things, yeah? Nice things sell big. Picking pockets in this town blows."
"We are going to rescue a princess, not rob a tomb," Jax deadpanned, drumming his fingers against the pommel of the rapier at his hip.
"Were you lot not just talking about getting blowjobs from this little mission?" Lilly asked with a smirk.
"They were," Daewoo said frostily. "I just want to blow stuff up. There's a difference."
"Shut up and give me back my damn quills," Jax snapped.
"Can we all please stop saying the word 'blow'!?" Floe cried, finally snapping and hiding her blushing face with both hands.
"Leave at first light," Shin cut in in a soft voice, the martial artist turning on his heel and disappearing back into the forest without another word.
The group grew quiet again before Zest shrugged.
"Guess that settles it," he said with a grin. "Eat up and get some rest. We can even complete the Goblin bounty on the way. It's win-win for us."
"Is nobody going to point out the fact that Garland was Knight General for a reason? No? We're just gonna… alright, well… whatever, then…" Daewoo started, trailing off as the bowls began to pile up next to his pot.
They next morning they broke camp before the sun rose, much to Jax's great and repeatedly vocalized displeasure. However Daewoo managed to shut him up by threatening to light his hat on fire while he was still wearing it.
A damp mist had rolled in overnight, and the six adventurers trudged through it as they headed north, their packs secure on their backs and their weapons loosed in their scabbards. One thing nobody had said was that the lands north of Cornelia were slightly more 'wild' than those closer to the city, inhabited by goblins strong enough to not have to venture near the human settlements to survive on scraps. Maybe Daewoo had mentioned it, but given all the complaining the Black Mage did it wasn't surprising no one had listened to him.
Still, though, Lilly wasn't worried. She had four of the best meat-shields this side of Melmond, and if things started to go pear-shaped she and Floe could escape easily enough. Go to ground in the wilderness, avoiding the goblins and get back to Cornelia.
Not that she was expecting everyone to die, it was just her experience that it was best to have a backup. To have an out. Just in case everyone really did die. Wouldn't be the first time.
After most of the day spent walking they had already filled the quota for their goblin hunting job, the string of ears hanging off of Zest's belt testimony to the fact. He'd even given up on getting a bonus, complaining that the little green scraps of flesh were weighing him down. Of course, Floe had found all this talk to be utterly horrendous and almost passed out every time she as much as glanced at the mercenary and his macabre trophies.
However, Lilly still found herself glaring down one of the short green creatures that afternoon, her eyes narrowing in the orange glow of the setting sun as the goblin gave a low growl. Her knuckles tightened on the short, curved dagger in her forward hand, her empty off-hand tensing to help her balance herself for when she did finally attack. They were both like coiled springs, prepared to…
A loud and frankly terrifying laugh made both Lilly and the goblin glance up as Daewoo set another knot of goblins on fire a short distance away. The three other creatures shrieked as they batted at the magical flames engulfing them, and for a brief moment the thief almost felt sorry for them.
Then the little green bastard behind her let out a loud squawking sound, and she spun back just in time to avoid the goblin's own dagger being thrust at her stomach. A cool breeze on her midriff followed the creature's passing, and Lilly glanced down to see that the near-miss had sliced through her tunic.
"You little fucker, I can't afford a new shirt!" she snarled.
As the goblin spun back to face her with a triumphant smirk on its face Lilly's hand was already in motion. The goblin completed its turn, her dagger embedding itself in the creature's neck as it did so. It gave a strangled gasp as Lilly barreled into it, forcing them both to the ground. Straddling the goblin Lilly gave her knife a vicious jerk, opening the creature's throat. She was up and moving again before the goblin even died, leaving it in a widening pool of blood as it clutched desperately at its opened neck.
The thief fell in behind Zest, who was warding off blows from three of the other goblins while Floe cowered behind him. Now with a more dangerous distraction to keep the goblins occupied Zest made short work of the creatures, Lilly gaining their attention by ducking around the mercenary and usually just making rude hand gestures. But it was enough, and even when there was only one goblin left he still fell for the trick, ending up as a green pile on the grass and a red smear on Zest's sword.
"Man these things are stupid," Zest sighed, finally lowering his shield. "Think they breed 'em this dumb on purpose?"
Lilly grinned and shook her head, flicking the last of the goblin blood off her dagger as Floe approached her, pointing to her bare midsection before going right back to gripping her staff like it could save her life.
"Are you hurt?" the white mage asked.
"Just my pride," Lilly sighed. "And my shirt. Our resident pyromaniac distracted me."
Zest and Floe both looked up at where Daewoo was still standing over the charred bodies of the goblins he had killed, a gleeful smile on his face as he watched the flames still licking at the corpses consume them.
"That is so damn creepy," Zest muttered.
Floe just nodded, lowering her head beneath her hood and beginning to pray under her breath. Lilly just shook her head before looking over to where Shin and Jax were returning from their own fight. Shin had let himself get surrounded after he'd gotten too focused on the goblins he was bludgeoning to death, so the red mage had gone to rescue him. Or at least had tried to, but the martial artist had dealt with most of the creatures before Jax had made it even halfway. Now they were on their way back, the mage-warrior resting his thin rapier against his shoulder with a slight frown on his faultless face. Shin just looked as unflappable as ever as he strode back to them, wiping the sticky viscera off his callused hands with a rag.
"Start cutting ears off, guys!" Zest called. "We may as well while we're here!"
The mercenary in question was already busily hacking at the corpses of the nearest goblins, totally oblivious to everything else around him. Floe let out a little squeak, swaying dangerously as she went pale, and Jax quirked one perfect brow as Lilly giggled at the absurdity of their group. Daewoo was still watching the flames a small way away.
"That man makes me nervous," Jax muttered, coming alongside Lilly and sheathing his sword.
She couldn't help but burst into another fit of giggles, much to the red mage's consternation.
It took them another few days to reach the Chaos Shrine; days of walking, good-natured bickering, not-so-good-natured bickering, and goblins. So many more goblins. Zest had taken to stuffing the goblin ears into a large bag now, having run out of cords after the second day.
Now the dilapidated ruins of the Shrine loomed above them, its open entryway gaping and dark like the maw of some ancient, blind stone titan. The entire Shrine had an air of ruin about it, the brickwork crumbling and clearly being ready to collapse in many places. Most of the upper floors had collapsed, and while it was clear that the Shrine had once been a magnificent sight to behold it was now little more than ruins. Still, though, an aura of danger surrounded the ancient building, discouraging the adventurers from their goal.
"You know," the mercenary said as the adventurers looked up at the shrine. "I'm sure these ears would be enough to get us a decent start."
"As much as the King's treasury? Because that's what we'd be giving up," Jax reminded him.
"If Sarah's even still alive," Daewoo added, ever the pessimist. Of course, he may just have been grumpy because Zest had ordered him to stop casting spells to conserve his mana the previous day. Meaning he hadn't blown anything up in nearly twenty-four hours now.
"Garland has no reason to kill her," Lilly shrugged.
"He had no discernable reason to kidnap her, either," Jax pointed out.
"All of this is moot unless we actually go inside," Daewoo sighed.
"Alright then," Zest nodded. "Jax, lead the way."
"Oh I think not!" the red mage snorted. "Brave and fearless leader indeed… Which of the two of us has the big, shiny shield? Methinks this calls for stealth. Lilly, dear, be a lamb and-"
"You can fuck right off if you think I'm gonna be the first one through that door," Lilly cut him off. "You brave manly types can go first, I'm not even wearing armor!"
For emphasis she fingered the edge of her shirt, now cut to expose a good half of her flat and toned stomach. It had been easier than trying to fix such a large hole, but she had to admit that it was a little too breezy for her taste.
"Send Daewoo," Lilly added, crossing her arms.
The black mage glanced up at them, smirking lopsidedly. "I could just blow up the shrine from here," he offered.
"And incinerate our prize in the process," Jax sighed, shaking his head.
There was a few moments of silent contemplation before the four of them turned at once to look at Floe, the white mage girl doing her best to remain inconspicuous behind them and still peer around the majority of the group. She started when she realized that everyone was staring at her, her eyes going wide.
"M-me!? You want me to go in first!?" she cried, her voice shrill.
"Think about it my dear," Jax said, using the silky voice he usually reserved for the barmaids whose pants he was trying to get into. "Garland was once a knight. Even he would hesitate to strike down a woman of the cloth. And when he hesitates we'll be there to strike him down."
"As a plan it does have merit," Daewoo shrugged.
"Right, it's settled," Zest nodded.
"Oh you guys are such ass-holes…" Lilly groaned, shaking her head. "Ignore them, Floe. Let the men go and do the stupid stuff. We'll wait here where it's safe."
The older girl nodded, positioning herself to hide behind the thief as she glared down the three men.
"Well, what do you suggest, then?" Jax asked exasperatedly.
Lilly opened her mouth to respond, but stopped short as she saw movement over the red mage's shoulder near the shrine. "I suggest we all catch up with Shin before he gets himself killed."
The others spun, jaws literally dropping as they watched the form of the burly black belt disappear into the darkened entrance of the Chaos Shrine.
"Dammit, Shin, wait for us!" Zest called, taking off after him. "What'd I say about going off alone!? You wanna get dead!?"
The group of adventurers, now safely encompassing a non-pulsed Shin in their number again, advanced warily through the dimly Chaos Shrine. All their weapons were drawn; Zest leading with his sword ready and his shield up, while Shin and Jax had his flanks. Jax had his own rapier at the ready, muttering spell incantations to himself under his breath as he surveyed the ruined shrine. Shin merely matched their pace, glancing around and totally at ease as if they were on a picnic. Behind them came Lilly and Daewoo, Lilly's dagger in hand and a small flame flickering above Daewoo's staff, ready to ignite a more powerful spell at a moment's notice. Leaving a visibly nervous Floe to bring up the rear, clutching her staff so close to her chest that it was separating her massive breasts, something that all the men in the party were doing their best to pretend not to notice.
Lilly gave a barely perceptible sigh as she glanced around, watching for threats, but more importantly looking for loot. Unfortunately it seemed like she wouldn't really find anything worth taking in this run-down old shrine. A lot of shrines had gold worked into murals and other decorative areas, and she would have been lying if she'd said she hadn't been hoping to find at least a little. Hell, even a few dusty artefacts, like a pot or urn or something, would have been enough. Rich nobles loved that kind of junk. But it appeared like she wasn't even going to get that lucky. Everything was just… broken. The stink of mold and mildew and decay surrounded them, leaving nothing untouched.
The young thief shivered as a cool breeze blew through the shrine seemingly from out of nowhere, kicking up dust and mournfully wailing through the cracks in the building. Daewoo's small flame fluttered, casting dancing shadows about the group in the otherworldly breeze.
"Okay, I-I'm officially c-creeped out," Floe whispered.
"Where is he?" Jax muttered, his eyes darting about beneath his hat.
They continued to creep in formation through the ruined shrine, deeper and deeper until they reached what Lilly guessed was a central chamber. A weak, sickly white light shone out from beneath the heavy wooden door, and Zest called them to a silent halt before it.
"Alright, I'm willing to bet this is it," the former mercenary whispered. "We stick to the formation. I'll rush him, Jax and Shin hit the flanks, Daewoo and Lilly take the rear, and Floe… Floe, uh…"
"Puts us back together when we're done," Lilly rolled her eyes. "Can we do this now, please?"
Zest gave a wolfish grin and nodded, spinning and planting his boot firmly in the middle of the door and smashing the old and rotten wood off its hinges. There, sitting in the middle of the room chained to some sort of freaky altar wearing a beautiful white dress, was who could only be Princess Sarah. She looked unharmed, if terrified, and screamed as the door shattered under Zest's blow.
Behind the Princess a tall, broad man rose to his feet, turning a helmed head to glance over his shoulder at the adventurers. "Has the King truly become so desperate he sends mere mercenaries to test me? Come then, fools. Face your doom."
"We're not mercenaries," Zest declared, planting his sword in the ground and holding up the small crystal hanging around his neck. "We're heroes. Saving Princesses is what we do."
Garland snorted. "You impertinent fools. Very well, 'heroes'. Come. I will knock you all down!"
The big knight stepped around the shackled Princess and into the weak light filtering in from a crack in the ceiling, illuminating his old and ornate armor. His helm was molded to cover his entire face, leaving only slits for him to see out of, his voice muffled. His helm was fashioned to resemble the countenance of some legendary beast, and two iron horns jutted from the sides of the helm out over his shoulders. A tattered blue cloak that would have once been resplendent rippled out behind him, held in place over his chest with a golden clasp inset with a large blue gem. From behind him he lifted a massive sword, easily as tall and broad as Lilly herself, and held it up effortlessly.
Zest simply grinned and charged, shield-first, which was the signal for the others to spread out. Jax and Shin went wide, flanking from both sides, and Daewoo started to chant spells. Floe ducked back towards the door, her usually gentle face set firm as she waited for her healing magic to be needed. Lilly hesitated for a brief moment, before beelining for the shackled Princess.
The familiar clang of steel on steel rang out in the old shrine as Zest and Garland finally met, the bigger former-knight's massive sword bouncing and sliding off of the younger man's shield as they dueled. Shin darted in, aiming a brutal low kick for the weaker armor around Garland's knee, but the old knight lifted his foot at the last minute. Shin hissed in pain as his foot impacted the edge of Garland's shin-guard, hopping back and assuming another ready-stance as he waited for another opportunity. Jax acted at Garland's momentary distraction, flinging magical sparks from his empty off-hand into Garland's eye slits and charging with his rapier. Zest joined him with his own sword, but the two blades were knocked aside with Garland's backswing. All of this happened in the space of a few seconds as Lilly darted across the chamber to Sarah, skidding to a halt and studying the shackles.
"Y-you… you are the Warriors of Light?" the Princess asked, in a daze.
Lilly shook her head, pulling a small pouch of lock-picking tools from her gear and starting in on the old, heavy iron manacles around the Princess' wrists. The chains were huge and heavy, and there was no way that Lilly would be able to break them with her dagger.
"They are, I'm just here for the money," Lilly said distractedly, jerking her head towards the three men fighting against Garland.
Sarah nodded, watching silently as Lilly worked the lock. The thief pushed too hard in her haste, snapping one of her favorite picks before tossing it aside with a vehement curse. Sarah's eyes widened, but she remained silent as Lily began again with another pick and muttered to herself.
"Stupid fucking knights and their stupid heavy locks this was supposed to be an easy job and now I've broken my favorite pick and those ass holes aren't even going to care and I hate this damn shrine…"
"Look out!"
Lilly glanced up, the shackles falling off Sarah's wrists at the shout. A second, more desperate scream echoed around the shrine as Zest was sent flying through the air towards the two girls, missing Lilly by a hair. She watched as the warrior's trajectory carried him into the wall with a heavy thud, a rain of dust from the remaining ceiling falling atop him. As Lilly looked back to where they had been fighting she let out a squeak when a massive hand wrapped itself around her throat and yanked her into the air.
"You will not touch my princess," Garland hissed, bringing his helmed face inches away from Lilly's.
The Thief kicked out, her windpipe constricted as Garland's hand tightened. The big knight seemed to be about to break her neck, but suddenly reeled as a trio of fireballs crashed into his back.
"Put down the squirt!" Daewoo called.
Lilly took the chance and buried her dagger in between the plates of Garland's shoulder armor, and with a frustrated roar the man dropped her. More fireballs struck the former knight, driving him away from Lilly and the Princess. Jax stepped forward, adding his own magical talents to the barrage and began to cast thunder spells, bolts of lightning jumping from his outstretched hand. Daewoo's eyes actually glowed yellow in the shadows beneath his hat, and the mage had an almost manic grin on his face as he pelted their foe with an apparently endless stream of flames.
"Get the Princess clear!" Jax shouted.
Lilly nodded, grabbing a stunned Sarah's arm and hauling her up. In the distance Floe was healing Shin, who had a nasty looking gash on his bare chest, and she decided it was probably safest for the Princess to wait with the White Mage. Tugging the Princess along, Lilly managed to get no more than four steps before Garland bellowed in rage and threw himself forwards again, ignoring the torrent of spells scorching his armor. Before he could reach the two girls, though, a red blur crashed into the bigger man, Zest tackling him from the side and throwing him back again. The warrior looked like hell, bleeding from a number of cuts to his face and arms, his armor indented and broken and his shield bent and useless, but still he snarled as he hefted his sword in both hands and began laying into Garland again.
They almost tumbled to the ground next to Floe, Shin barely sparing them a glance as he continued to watch the other three fight with the former knight.
"Stay here," Lilly said firmly, earning a quick nod from Sarah.
Jax let out a frustrated shout, stumbling away from the fight with Garland and clutching at a gash across his stomach. Lilly was up and running in a moment, reaching the well-dressed Red Mage just as he fell to one knee.
"I'm fine!" he growled. "Just have to remember how to cast cure… help the others!"
Lilly nodded, looking up and reaching for her dagger. Her dagger that wasn't in its sheathe on her belt. Her dagger that wasn't in its sheathe on her belt because it was still embedded in Garland's arm.
Before she could contemplate this any further Daewoo was sent reeling as Garland struck the mage with the flat of his blade, using the momentum to lift the giant sword up to strike at Zest. The mercenary was panting, on one knee now, too, with his left arm bloody and hanging useless at his side. Lilly moved without thinking, leaping up onto Garland's massive back and wrapping her arms around his neck, snarling like an animal as she beat at his helmed head. While not the most graceful or elegant tactic it was still distracting enough, and Garland stumbled, his blow missing as Zest rolled aside.
"Damn you insects! Hold still! And get off me!" their foe cried in frustration.
Garland reached around, one gauntleted hand grasping at Lilly, but she held on with one hand as her other groped blindly through her pockets and pouches for something, anything, that could help them…
Her fingers wrapped around something at the same time Garland's wrapped around the scruff of her shirt, and as he began to pull Lilly jammed her prize right into one of Garland's eye slits.
With a howl of pain the former knight threw Lilly across the chamber, stumbling as he pawed at the expensive writing quill protruding from his eye. Zest was up in an instant, his sword flashing as he ran Garland through. The bigger former knight fell backwards with a loud, dull sound, almost similar to the tolling of a bell, Lilly thought.
The Thief carefully picked herself up, wincing a little as he shoulder ground painfully.
"Is he finally dead yet?" she called out.
"I believe so!" Jax called back.
Lilly limped forward to where they were all standing over the massive corpse, staring down at him with weapons still in their hands.
"I did try to warn you," Daewoo muttered. "I did say he was the Knight General for a reason…"
Zest stepped forward, bringing his sword down tip first and skewering Garland's heart.
"Just to be sure," the ex-mercenary said with a weak shrug.
"Is that one of my damned quills?" Jax asked suddenly.
"Maybe," Lilly mumbled.
"I liked that quill!" the Red Mage shouted indignantly.
"Oh, lay off," Zest chuckled. "It did save our lives."
The Red Mage pouted, staring down at the corpse before a small grin crept onto his face.
"Don't…" Lilly warned.
"I guess it's true, then," Jax shrugged theatrically.
"I'm almost afraid to ask," Daewoo sighed.
"Don't!" Lilly repeated.
"The pen is mightier than the sword," Jax said, insufferably pleased with himself.
"I hate you for that," Lilly groaned, running a hand down her face.
Zest chuckled a little, half-sitting, half-falling backwards.
"Someone send Floe over here when she's done with Shin. I'm beat."
Lilly shook her head, ignoring the rest of the conversation as she looked down at Garland's body with a frown on her face. His armor was strange, not a single bit of flesh showing through. She was almost tempted to remove his helm, look at his face, but then she'd have to pull the quill out and it had felt gross enough just jamming it in there… It still bugged her, though, the hollow sound he'd made when he'd fallen back. She shrugged, shaking her head. Maybe he wasn't as big as the armor made him look. She really didn't care.
Jax was already beginning on Zest's wounds, a gentle green aura surrounding his hands as he held them over the ex-mercenary's arm. Daewoo was looking down on Garland's body, a serious expression on the mage's face. Lilly felt a spike of fear, praying that the mage wasn't having the same misgivings about their victory as she was…
"Can I burn the body?" Daewoo asked suddenly.
"No," Zest sighed. "Actually, you know what? Go ahead. Fucker deserves it."
Lilly sighed, shaking her head and moving to check on Floe.
And these psychopaths were supposed to be saving the world?
As flames started licking at Garland's corpse they started walking back to where Floe was waiting with Shin and the Princess. After a few steps Zest spoke up.
"Think the King would spring for new armor? Because I gotta admit, the horns he had? Kinda growing on me."
Lilly sighed and shook her head again, resisting the urge to groan.
It was apparently going to be a long, long journey.
Good thing they had her there to keep bailing them out.
AN2016: Gasp! A wild one-shot appeared! Remember, I'm only semi-retired. I started working on this story about six months ago when I realized that no one had translated the novel Memory of Heroes (yet someone could still be bothered translating X-2.5? Seriously, what the fuck!?) and things kinda… snowballed from there. I did always want to do something for the Final Fantasy franchise, though. Feels nice to get away from Fire Emblem for a bit. Clearly this isn't as serious as most takes on the original Final Fantasy story. It's probably closer to a more vulgar 8-Bit Theatre than anything else. I figured now was probably a good time to get this story into some semblance of completion and up onto the site. For the sake of it, I guess. Yes, I promise to try to finish Future's End in 2017. I am still working on it. And with this lovely (and I use that word lightly) one-shot I round out 2016.
What did you think? Leave a review and let me know, and thanks for reading! And don't forget to follow me on twitter! -metalloverCAB