Fade in
(Kim, Dan, and Bob are sitting around the break room looking over the script for that night's show)
Dan: Okay let me get this straight, we're having a bunch of M.I.'s in the set for tonight's show?
Kim (nodding): That's what happens when you have Laurie pick the guest.
Bob: I told you we shouldn't have used that two-sided coin.
Dan: I can't help it, I forgot which side it was (pulls out coin). Well now that I know, the next time I use it, I'll remember to call heads.
Bob: Well that does us a heck of a lota good now. Anywho...do you know what these guys are called?
(Laurie comes skipping into room. The gang looks at her strangely, never having seen her in such a good mood)
Laurie (happy voice): Hey guys. Oh I can't wait till the show starts, this is gonna be the best.
Bob: Okay, can I be scared yet?
Dan: I already am.
Kim: Looks like someone's on a sugar high. Hey Laurie what's the name of the squad that's comin' in for tonight's show?
Laurie: The best of the best, Razak's Roughnecks.
Dan: Have you ever thought of switching to decaf?
Laurie: Oh I'm not on coffee or sugar, this high is all natural adrenaline. Oh and by the way, if any of you screw this up, I'm gonna burn down your house, bulldoze the remains, and spread salt over the ground so nothing can grow there. Do I make myself clear?
(The group nods their heads, scared of her. Laurie smiles and skips back out of the room humming to herself)
Dan: Well it looks like the old Laurie's back.
Bob: Well c'mon. We better get going. Ten minutes till show time and I don't want to be the one she gets ticked at.
(The gang stands up and walk out of break room)
Fade out
Fade in
(The lights come up and then begin to flash Disco style)
Kelly (off stage): Jason stop screwing with the lights! Disco died for a reason and this is it! Hey! How'd he get out of his cage!
(A *thwack* is heard and the lights stop flashing and go down to about 40% strength. Laurie is then seen carrying the now unconscious Jason the Intel Fairy across the set. The lights come up to 100% strength and we see host and co.-host sitting on a gaudy plaid couch).
Dan: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of Trooper Chat. The funniest comedy show on Fed. Net.
Elizabeth: Actually folks it's the only comedy show on Fed. Net.
Rachel (off stage): Then what does SCION call those recruitment commercials?
Dan: Can it Rach, remember those people sign our paychecks. Well back to the show, I'm your host Dan Wilson.
(Close up on host)
Elizabeth: And I'm your co-host Elizabeth Clark.
(Close up on co-host)
Dan: Well tonight, we've got a great treat for all of you out there in viewer land. Tonight our guests...yes you heard me right guests as in more then one, are the world famous Razak's Roughnecks.
Elizabeth (smiling): Please, let's give these homegrown heroes a welcome they won't soon forget.
(Dan and Elizabeth stand up to greet the Roughnecks. Caned applause is played as they all walk up onto the stage).
Jason (off stage): I'll be pleased to do that!
(Jason comes jumping out of right stage with a frying pan. He knocks over Brutto and proceeds to knock him senseless with the pan)
Dan (shocked): My god, who let the fairy out of his cage? And where did he get that frying pan?
Razak: To heck with that, get that thing off my Sergeant!
(The rest of the squad dog pile onto Jason, in an attempt to get him off of Brutto)
Dizzy (holding Jason by the wings): Bye-bye (kicks Jason in the butt sending him across set).
Kim (off stage): Sorry about that, he must have picked the lock again, and as for the frying pan, he must've gotten it from the cooking show in set 4.
Gossard (tapping Brutto's face): Hey Sarge! You Okay?
Doc (flashing light in Brutto's eyes): Mmm, pupils are equal and reactive. The contusions to his cranium probably caused his unconsciousness.
Rico: Could you say that again in English this time?
Doc: *sigh* He's not awake because he got one to many knocks to the head.
(Laurie and Rachel come up and drag the unconscious Sergeant off the stage)
Rico: Oh, I should really lean that medical jargon.
(Nurse Logan runs onto the stage and hugs Rico)
Nurse Logan: I'll be happy to teach you any time.
Rico (looks nervous): Could someone get her off of me?
Dan: *cough* Could start the show, or is that asking too much?
(The Nurse Logan lets go of Rico and sulks off stage)
Razak (sits down on couch): I didn't even want to be on this, but General Redwing was able to persuade me.
Dizzy (to the squad): So that's why the LT was late getting back to the barracks last night.
(The squad starts to giggle, while Razak shoots them a look that could stop a transport ship at full speed)
Razak: Zip that lip Privet!
Dizzy (snapping to attention): Yes Sir!
Elizabeth: Redwing? Who said anything about her? It was all Rob's idea.
(The squad looks over at Higgins and starts walking towards him, their hands ready to wrap around his neck)
Higgins (backing up): Hey guys...it was a good idea at the time. I thought you'd like the time off (sees it's not working and runs away, the squad starts chasing him). HELP!
Dan: Well I think this would be a good time to cut to the skit.
Fade out
Fade in
(There are three tables set around a room; Nurse Logan and Rico are at one, while off to the right Doc and Gossard are trying to get their partners onto the set)
Rico: I'm afraid to ask what this is about.
Doc: C'mon Higgins. The camera's waiting.
Higgins (behind curtain): There is no way in all of heaven or hell you are getting me out from behind this curtain!
Doc (sarcastically): But Higgins the color of the fabric really brings out the color of your eyes
Gossard: It's not that bad Dizz, it looks a heck of a lot better on you then a powersuit.
Dizzy (behind curtain): Gossard.
Gossard: Yeah Diz?
Dizzy (behind curtain): Shut up!
(Laurie walks onto the stage carrying her kanta sword)
Laurie (pushing past Doc and Gossard): Let Psycho Chick take care of this (walks behind curtain). Look you two, if you don't go out there by the count of three, you're gonna wish you were back on Klendathu, comprendere? One...two...two and a half...
(Dizzy and Higgins run out from behind the curtain both wearing dresses)
Rico (falls over laughing): Hey Higgins, nice legs.
Higgins (sitting down at table): Shut up Rico, I can make your life a living hell of bad PR if I want.
Doc: You brought this down on yourself Higgins.
Gossard: See Diz, this isn't so bad.
Dizzy: You aren't the one in a....
(The lights go out before Dizzy can finish her sentence)
Dan (through dark): Okay, who forgot to put the check for this month's electric bill in the mail?
Jenkins (through dark): I've got a bad felling about this.
Bob/ Rachel/ Kelly (through dark): It speaks!!
(Two spotlights come up on the right and we see Jason and Brutto. Jason is in his fairy costume, but Brutto is also in one as well)
Jason (raises pan above head): I am Jason, the Intel Fairy!
Brutto: And I am Francis the...I don't know what, but I'm the sidekick to Jason the Intel Fairy!
Bob (laughing/through dark): Who would name their kid Francis *snort*?
Laurie (jumps down in front of them with kanta sword): Ahh it's multiplied, I've got to stop them! Fairies get ready to meet Psycho Chick!
(Laurie, chases Brutto and Jason slashing at them with her sword)
Fade out
Fade in
(We see Dan and Elizabeth sitting on the couch with the squad, minus Dizzy, Gossard, and Brutto)
Dan: Welcome back to Trooper Chat, if you're just tuning in, tonight's guests are the famous Razak's Roughnecks.
Razak (looking around): Where are Gossard and Flores?
Rachel (runs onto stage): Dan, where do we keep the fire hose?
Dan: It's over by the stairwell, why do you want you know?
(Rachel runs off the stage without answering, she comes back a minute later dragging the fire hose and hands it to Razak)
Rachel: You might need this (runs off stage).
Razak (drops hose and grabs Dan by his shirt): All right! I want to know what going on here and I want to know NOW!
Dan (nervous): Hehehe Lt. Razak this is what it's like on Trooper Chat. What else can I tell you?
Elizabeth: This is all normal for us.
Razak: This is not normal. Two of my squad are missing, one of them thinks he's a sidekick to...whatever that thing is called.
Elizabeth (interrupting): That's Jason the Intel Fairy. He suffers from a botched Section 8
Razack: Whatever! And one of my men is in a dress (everyone looks at Higgins who forgot to change after the skit). This is not normal, this is INSANE!
Jenkins: Sir, Dizzy and Goss are close by.
Razack: Well find them! And where you're looking, try and find Brutto. The poor man's suffered enough.
(Jenkins walks off stage)
Dan: Well lets get on with the show (turns to Razack). So how long have you been an MI?
Razack: Longer then you've been around.
Dan: Well that narrows it down (looks at Rico). So, what made you want to be a MI?
Rico (scratching back of head): Well it's kidda funny, you see I had a crush on this girl Carmen and she was joining the fleet, so I desided to join as well, but my grades weren't exactly fleet material so I signed up with the Mobile Infantry.
Elizabeth: How sweet. You did that all for her, what does she think about it?
Rico: Hehehe, no comment.
(Just then Jenkins come back onto the set leading a very confused looking Brutto. Jenkins also has a slight blush to his face)
Jenkins: Sir. I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news, I was able to find Sergeant Brutto. He's a little out of it now because I wiped his mind of the last 25 minutes.
Brutto (looking down at his cloths): What the hell am I doing in this? One of you meatballs better start explaining now!!
Razack: And the bad news would be?
Jenkins: I found Goss and Dizz, a bit....mmm...how do I want to word this?
Razack: Just spit it out!
Jenkins (blushing): In the heat of the moment.
Rico: WHAT (faints)!!
Dan: Well look at the time, and were all out of it. Well see you next time.
Elizabeth: Next week we'll have on the mysterious Blue leader, who is, and why does he have the name blue leader. Till next time folks
Fade out
(Kim, Dan, and Bob are sitting around the break room looking over the script for that night's show)
Dan: Okay let me get this straight, we're having a bunch of M.I.'s in the set for tonight's show?
Kim (nodding): That's what happens when you have Laurie pick the guest.
Bob: I told you we shouldn't have used that two-sided coin.
Dan: I can't help it, I forgot which side it was (pulls out coin). Well now that I know, the next time I use it, I'll remember to call heads.
Bob: Well that does us a heck of a lota good now. Anywho...do you know what these guys are called?
(Laurie comes skipping into room. The gang looks at her strangely, never having seen her in such a good mood)
Laurie (happy voice): Hey guys. Oh I can't wait till the show starts, this is gonna be the best.
Bob: Okay, can I be scared yet?
Dan: I already am.
Kim: Looks like someone's on a sugar high. Hey Laurie what's the name of the squad that's comin' in for tonight's show?
Laurie: The best of the best, Razak's Roughnecks.
Dan: Have you ever thought of switching to decaf?
Laurie: Oh I'm not on coffee or sugar, this high is all natural adrenaline. Oh and by the way, if any of you screw this up, I'm gonna burn down your house, bulldoze the remains, and spread salt over the ground so nothing can grow there. Do I make myself clear?
(The group nods their heads, scared of her. Laurie smiles and skips back out of the room humming to herself)
Dan: Well it looks like the old Laurie's back.
Bob: Well c'mon. We better get going. Ten minutes till show time and I don't want to be the one she gets ticked at.
(The gang stands up and walk out of break room)
Fade out
Fade in
(The lights come up and then begin to flash Disco style)
Kelly (off stage): Jason stop screwing with the lights! Disco died for a reason and this is it! Hey! How'd he get out of his cage!
(A *thwack* is heard and the lights stop flashing and go down to about 40% strength. Laurie is then seen carrying the now unconscious Jason the Intel Fairy across the set. The lights come up to 100% strength and we see host and co.-host sitting on a gaudy plaid couch).
Dan: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of Trooper Chat. The funniest comedy show on Fed. Net.
Elizabeth: Actually folks it's the only comedy show on Fed. Net.
Rachel (off stage): Then what does SCION call those recruitment commercials?
Dan: Can it Rach, remember those people sign our paychecks. Well back to the show, I'm your host Dan Wilson.
(Close up on host)
Elizabeth: And I'm your co-host Elizabeth Clark.
(Close up on co-host)
Dan: Well tonight, we've got a great treat for all of you out there in viewer land. Tonight our guests...yes you heard me right guests as in more then one, are the world famous Razak's Roughnecks.
Elizabeth (smiling): Please, let's give these homegrown heroes a welcome they won't soon forget.
(Dan and Elizabeth stand up to greet the Roughnecks. Caned applause is played as they all walk up onto the stage).
Jason (off stage): I'll be pleased to do that!
(Jason comes jumping out of right stage with a frying pan. He knocks over Brutto and proceeds to knock him senseless with the pan)
Dan (shocked): My god, who let the fairy out of his cage? And where did he get that frying pan?
Razak: To heck with that, get that thing off my Sergeant!
(The rest of the squad dog pile onto Jason, in an attempt to get him off of Brutto)
Dizzy (holding Jason by the wings): Bye-bye (kicks Jason in the butt sending him across set).
Kim (off stage): Sorry about that, he must have picked the lock again, and as for the frying pan, he must've gotten it from the cooking show in set 4.
Gossard (tapping Brutto's face): Hey Sarge! You Okay?
Doc (flashing light in Brutto's eyes): Mmm, pupils are equal and reactive. The contusions to his cranium probably caused his unconsciousness.
Rico: Could you say that again in English this time?
Doc: *sigh* He's not awake because he got one to many knocks to the head.
(Laurie and Rachel come up and drag the unconscious Sergeant off the stage)
Rico: Oh, I should really lean that medical jargon.
(Nurse Logan runs onto the stage and hugs Rico)
Nurse Logan: I'll be happy to teach you any time.
Rico (looks nervous): Could someone get her off of me?
Dan: *cough* Could start the show, or is that asking too much?
(The Nurse Logan lets go of Rico and sulks off stage)
Razak (sits down on couch): I didn't even want to be on this, but General Redwing was able to persuade me.
Dizzy (to the squad): So that's why the LT was late getting back to the barracks last night.
(The squad starts to giggle, while Razak shoots them a look that could stop a transport ship at full speed)
Razak: Zip that lip Privet!
Dizzy (snapping to attention): Yes Sir!
Elizabeth: Redwing? Who said anything about her? It was all Rob's idea.
(The squad looks over at Higgins and starts walking towards him, their hands ready to wrap around his neck)
Higgins (backing up): Hey guys...it was a good idea at the time. I thought you'd like the time off (sees it's not working and runs away, the squad starts chasing him). HELP!
Dan: Well I think this would be a good time to cut to the skit.
Fade out
Fade in
(There are three tables set around a room; Nurse Logan and Rico are at one, while off to the right Doc and Gossard are trying to get their partners onto the set)
Rico: I'm afraid to ask what this is about.
Doc: C'mon Higgins. The camera's waiting.
Higgins (behind curtain): There is no way in all of heaven or hell you are getting me out from behind this curtain!
Doc (sarcastically): But Higgins the color of the fabric really brings out the color of your eyes
Gossard: It's not that bad Dizz, it looks a heck of a lot better on you then a powersuit.
Dizzy (behind curtain): Gossard.
Gossard: Yeah Diz?
Dizzy (behind curtain): Shut up!
(Laurie walks onto the stage carrying her kanta sword)
Laurie (pushing past Doc and Gossard): Let Psycho Chick take care of this (walks behind curtain). Look you two, if you don't go out there by the count of three, you're gonna wish you were back on Klendathu, comprendere? One...two...two and a half...
(Dizzy and Higgins run out from behind the curtain both wearing dresses)
Rico (falls over laughing): Hey Higgins, nice legs.
Higgins (sitting down at table): Shut up Rico, I can make your life a living hell of bad PR if I want.
Doc: You brought this down on yourself Higgins.
Gossard: See Diz, this isn't so bad.
Dizzy: You aren't the one in a....
(The lights go out before Dizzy can finish her sentence)
Dan (through dark): Okay, who forgot to put the check for this month's electric bill in the mail?
Jenkins (through dark): I've got a bad felling about this.
Bob/ Rachel/ Kelly (through dark): It speaks!!
(Two spotlights come up on the right and we see Jason and Brutto. Jason is in his fairy costume, but Brutto is also in one as well)
Jason (raises pan above head): I am Jason, the Intel Fairy!
Brutto: And I am Francis the...I don't know what, but I'm the sidekick to Jason the Intel Fairy!
Bob (laughing/through dark): Who would name their kid Francis *snort*?
Laurie (jumps down in front of them with kanta sword): Ahh it's multiplied, I've got to stop them! Fairies get ready to meet Psycho Chick!
(Laurie, chases Brutto and Jason slashing at them with her sword)
Fade out
Fade in
(We see Dan and Elizabeth sitting on the couch with the squad, minus Dizzy, Gossard, and Brutto)
Dan: Welcome back to Trooper Chat, if you're just tuning in, tonight's guests are the famous Razak's Roughnecks.
Razak (looking around): Where are Gossard and Flores?
Rachel (runs onto stage): Dan, where do we keep the fire hose?
Dan: It's over by the stairwell, why do you want you know?
(Rachel runs off the stage without answering, she comes back a minute later dragging the fire hose and hands it to Razak)
Rachel: You might need this (runs off stage).
Razak (drops hose and grabs Dan by his shirt): All right! I want to know what going on here and I want to know NOW!
Dan (nervous): Hehehe Lt. Razak this is what it's like on Trooper Chat. What else can I tell you?
Elizabeth: This is all normal for us.
Razak: This is not normal. Two of my squad are missing, one of them thinks he's a sidekick to...whatever that thing is called.
Elizabeth (interrupting): That's Jason the Intel Fairy. He suffers from a botched Section 8
Razack: Whatever! And one of my men is in a dress (everyone looks at Higgins who forgot to change after the skit). This is not normal, this is INSANE!
Jenkins: Sir, Dizzy and Goss are close by.
Razack: Well find them! And where you're looking, try and find Brutto. The poor man's suffered enough.
(Jenkins walks off stage)
Dan: Well lets get on with the show (turns to Razack). So how long have you been an MI?
Razack: Longer then you've been around.
Dan: Well that narrows it down (looks at Rico). So, what made you want to be a MI?
Rico (scratching back of head): Well it's kidda funny, you see I had a crush on this girl Carmen and she was joining the fleet, so I desided to join as well, but my grades weren't exactly fleet material so I signed up with the Mobile Infantry.
Elizabeth: How sweet. You did that all for her, what does she think about it?
Rico: Hehehe, no comment.
(Just then Jenkins come back onto the set leading a very confused looking Brutto. Jenkins also has a slight blush to his face)
Jenkins: Sir. I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news, I was able to find Sergeant Brutto. He's a little out of it now because I wiped his mind of the last 25 minutes.
Brutto (looking down at his cloths): What the hell am I doing in this? One of you meatballs better start explaining now!!
Razack: And the bad news would be?
Jenkins: I found Goss and Dizz, a bit....mmm...how do I want to word this?
Razack: Just spit it out!
Jenkins (blushing): In the heat of the moment.
Rico: WHAT (faints)!!
Dan: Well look at the time, and were all out of it. Well see you next time.
Elizabeth: Next week we'll have on the mysterious Blue leader, who is, and why does he have the name blue leader. Till next time folks
Fade out