So yeah...erm...I was kinda delirious from fever and high on codene when I wrote this crackfic. ~js~ you have been warned. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
Thanks to by beta Readingmama for fixing my punctuation and stuff, she is so freakin AWESOME.
*Disclaimer* SM owns Twilight. I just like to mess around with her characters.
"I said, don't come near me with your doggie breath!" Bella huffed at her wanna be boyfriend.
He only belched loudly in her face, emitting a rancid dead carcass smell from his mouth as he tried to plant an open mouthed kiss on her lips.
"GAH! I freakin hate you, Werewolf Black!" she screeched as she slapped him hard.
He howled in pain, before transforming into a huge russet wolf and running away with his tail tucked in between his legs.
Bella nodded her head in satisfaction, she was sick of people being inconsiderate with their bodily odors around her. Just because her father was a smelly troll who burped, farted and crapped his pants, didn't mean she was one too. No, she was a nymph, just like her mother.
Speaking of which, she decided it was time to run off because she'd sworn by all things that go bump in the night, that if she had to hear her troll cop father blasting the song,'They see me trollin' in his cruiser while he patrolled Forks, a deadbeat town where only the supernatural resided, and nothing even remotely interesting happened, she was going to hump a tree. And tree humping hurts a girl's coochie like mother fuckin hell, you know, splinters and shit. Plus she knew for a fact that Charlie rode dirty, as in filthy stench-like dirty.
So Bella packed her backpack with her bras and thongs and a few other things–cause that is how the all the nymphs dressed like in Forks- and made like the wind, leaving Charlie's little rancid crap-hole behind her, without a backward glance.
Bella ran into the woods as fast as her nymph legs would carry was just before nightfall when she reached a meadow; in the middle was a rundown shack with a smoke stack. A thick fog was curling upward into the sky from said stack and Bella could hear a melodic voice inside singing, "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, boil up my noms for me quickly you rusty old cauldron."
The voice, deep and masculine drew her in like a moth to a flame. Before she even realized it, she was knocking on the stranger's door.
"Who is it?" the voice called out warily. It was obvious the man inside wasn't expecting company.
"Isabella," she timidly replied.
The door opened, just a crack, and Bella was met with the most intense green eyes she'd ever seen. She tried recalling the delicious Crayola crayon names until her brain registered the color… Jungle green. Yeah, Bella was a crayon eater, so what? It's not like you guys have never eaten a crayon before, so stop picking on her.
The next thing she noticed was his hair, it was a coppery mess on top of his head, and his teeth were…so straight.
"Your name?" the jungle green eyed man asked, his eyes traveling up and down her body as if he were sizing her up.
"Isabella, or Bella, whichever you prefer …" she trailed off.
The stranger clicked his teeth together twice.
"Is this Isabella? Why hello, Isabella, do come in," he said, opening the door and motioning for her to enter.
Bella thought his question and manner were quite odd, but entered anyway. She was tired, plus the place didn't smell like shit and that seemed like a promising aspect.
She pulled her thong out of her ass in what she hoped seemed like a semi-discreet manner, it had ridden up her crack while she'd been running through the forest. Afterward, she took a whiff of her fingers and nearly passed out. Sweaty ass is a foul thing to smell people, you have been warned.-Lmao
"Erm… may I use your bathroom Mr…?" Bella asked the copper haired man whom she had dubbed Jungle green.
"Hannibalward, just Hannibalward. The bathroom is down the hall on the right."
Hannibalward? The fuck kinda name is that? Isabella thought as she sauntered down the hall.
Once she had used the bathroom and washed her stinky butt and her offensive smelling hands, she changed into her red thong and bra set.
Upon exiting the bathroom, Bella went in search of Jungle green. She found him in the kitchen pouring what appeared to be stew into jars.
"Stew, for the winter," he said simply."Want some?"
Bella shook her head, she was a crayonaterian and what he was offering was most she was hungry, in fact right now she was craving a jungle green crayon. Good thing she had packed a few boxes of sixty four colors in her backpack.
Jungle green's face dropped, but then he shrugged and sat down with a bowl of it, eating in silence.
She shifted uncomfortably where she stood while he ignored her completely.
After a while Isabella decided that perhaps she should leave, and turned to go.
Hannibalward was by her side in an instant.
"Where to, Isabella? Leaving so soon? Please stay, I insist," he smiled alluringly at her while tugging on her arm.
He tugged her toward the kitchen stool and she sat on it. It was then that Bella noticed the state of his kitchen…bloody. She wondered if he were a huntsman and had just made a kill.
While she sat watching him, he began to douse the kitchen with bleach, wiping down all the surfaces.
Bella reached into her bag and pulled out her crayons unwrapping the jungle green one and nibbling whilst Hannibalward worked. If he noticed her crayon eating, he said nothing.
Once he was finished disinfecting his kitchen he excused himself to go shower. Bella used the time alone to snoop around. She opened the fridge and found a severed head sitting right smack down in the middle of it. Next to the severed head where a pair of hands, Bella felt her heart beat quicken as she quietly closed the refrigerator door and looked around the kitchen some more. She found a backpack similar to hers lying next to the stove, inspecting it she noticed the name tag on it said StewWazowski.
Bella gasped. Stew in the jars, Stew's head and hands in the fridge. She realized Hannibalward's true nature. It hit her like a train.
She felt him breathing in her ear.
"I know what you are," she whispered.
"Say it, OUT LOUD! Say it," Hannibalward demanded.
"Cannibal," she breathed.
"Are you afraid?"
"Yes, terrified."
"Good. I like my meat scared, it gives it a special flavor," he said before he hit her over the head with a huge-ass frying pan.
HWHWHWHWHWHWHWHWHW
That spring when Hannibalward heated the Bellastroni soup he'd frozen just before winter, tears came to his eyes.
"Bella, oh Bella. Why did you have to be a Crayola eating crayonaterian? Why couldn't you eat RosaArt? Om nom nom I was sad to see you go, but you sure make a delish dish. Your face is on the telly but only I know you're in my belly, rest in smelly, I know I'm going to Helly, but at least I did it welly."
A/N
Yeah..I blame the codene for the mess above. *hides*