"D'n?" I open my eyes, trying to focus on my big brother. God... I feel so utterly groggy. Why is he waking me up? I haven't slept much the last couple of nights and after killing Samuel yesterday nightmares are haunting me. Oh,... maybe that's why Dean's brushing the bangs out of my eyes right now, trying to wake me up.
"Go back to sleep, Sammy. I'm just checking your arm." Dean says with a soft voice.
"Arm's here. That's my head." I brush my face against his hand and into the pillow to hide my smile, lifting my arm. "And you should turn the light on. It's too dark for checking something." Dean gently slaps my hand, before he turns the light on. He looks so sad. I've already been sure before that he is not here to check my arm, but that look confirms my inkling. "What's up Dean? Why are you here?" I sit up, making room for my big brother. The bedsprings creak, when Dean settles down beside me. He leans against the wall on the side of the bed, rubbing his both hands against his face.
"Already told ya... I'm here to check your arm." Dean tries, obviously not really convinced himself.
"Dean..." I run a finger over the sore spot on my arm, searching for words. "What's up... you don't look too great." When he doesn't answer I continue: "How's Bobby?"
"Drowning himself in Jack." Dean answers. He's tense and I can see that he's thinking hard. "Sam... okay... I don't want you to scratch the wall..."
"I know that..." I defend myself. "I don't scratch the wall."
"Yeah... Sam... shush." Dean smiles at me. "I know that you're trying not to scratch... and I appreciate that you try. But, man... you've come close today... you nearly found out something about your time with Samuel... and I've seen that you wanted to get information. I stepped in just in time. When you've been alone with Samuel I've been really scared that he might tell you anything."
"Dean... I know that I... that I could die... I know how dangerous it is..." I search his eyes.
"That's not my point, kiddo." Dean chuckles tiredly. It's been a while since he called my 'kiddo'. That worries me. "Okay... You ought to know that I meant everything I said. I forgive you anything... really... anything."
"Dean?" I ask. "What's up?"
"Just checking whether you understand that I'm honest with you." Dean sounds so miserable. "Sammy... I need you to be okay... I need you to be healthy. I need you to be alive, but I also know that you're still my curious little brother, who always asked more questions than it's good for him. I know that you're gonna find a few things out eventually... Too many people know what happened the last year..." Dean's silent suddenly.
"De?" I prod, yawning. I granted the nickname with a small smile.
"Okay... I don't want you find out anything from a stupid angel... Bobby or another stupid family member."
"You have a point?" My heart skips a beat. He doesn't really...
"I'm gonna answer your questions... Sammy." He huffs. "You should be with me when you find out that stuff... I want to be there." His soft eyes meet my eyes. "I'm gonna be here for you Sam..." He promises. "And my only demand is that you're gonna forgive yourself. I don't want you to think about anything I'm gonna tell you... you're not gonna self-pity you, or dig deeper.. You understand me? You're not gonna dig deeper... I don't want you to remember anything of the pit."
"Really?" My mouth is slightly open, when I stare at my big brother. "You're gonna answer any question?"
"Yeah..." Dean nods. "As long as you promise not to beat yourself up about it."
I nod. Depending on what I'm gonna find out.
"So... shoot." Dean settles down more comfortably, his shoulder against mine.
"Okay... but you have to answer honestly." I sound so pathetic, but there is one question that bothers me since I got my soul back. Dean nods, so I take a deep breath. "What's the worst thing that happened the last year? I mean... I already know that I tried to kill Bobby, but what's the worst thing I've done to you?"
"Sammy..." Dean's voice so totally soft and gentle, that I nearly give in.
"Dean... you promised... that's the thing that's bothering me the most. So please." I plead.
"Okay... all right... But remember that I don't hold any grudge against you and that anything I'm gonna tell you is over." Dean takes a deep breath, pulling me against him. "Okay... that soulless thing... not you... he..." Dean stops talking, watching his hands. "Oh Sam... ask a different question... it's hard to answer something like that..."
"No..." I bite my lip... "Cas told me..." I gulp. "Cas told me that I let you turn into an vampire..." I feel tears in my eyes. I still can't believe it... and talking about it makes it true.
"I'm gonna kill that idiot. I'm gonna pull out his feathers." Dean sighs.
"Is that the worst thing, Dean?" I ask with a rough voice.
He immediately looks at me, his mouth working before he nods. "Yeah... sure."
"Liar." My heart beats faster again... Something even worse has happened. "What is it?" When Dean doesn't react I chew my lip again. "Did I hurt you? I mean.. did I hit you?"
"No..." Dean manages to laugh. "You don't hit that hard, Sammy."
"I tried to leave you alone again?" I continue, not knowing whether I'm making anything better or worse.
"No." Dean shakes his head, pinching his eyebrows together. "Not my favorite topic, Sammy."
"Then tell me... did I say something?" I search his eyes. "What did I say that was so terrible?"
"Sammy... you didn't say anything... I know that I'm important to you... your soul-you..." Dean's voice is small.
"I told you that you're not important to me?" My heart skips a beat and immediately I feel sick. I can't imagine that... Soul or no soul... Nobody should ever hear that from somebody he loves. This was unforgivable.
"You told me that you don't care about anything or... anyone without your soul..." Dean tucks at my sleeve. "Hey Sammy... I don't care. Okay? It wasn't you... it was this stupid soulless twit. It just encouraged me to get you back faster."
"Damn it Dean... I knew that shapeshifter that looked like you wasn't you and though the things he's said hurt like a bitch... so don't tell me it doesn't matter... because... it does." I feel my lips tremble. "I know that hearing something like this haunts you in your dreams, like the incident with Dr. Ellicot. I know something like this hurts, even though you know that it isn't true."
"Sammy..." Dean kneels down beside me, sitting on his calves, facing me. "Okay... look... It was true... I mean kinda... The soulless Sam didn't care... but I knew... that you would and that matters... it was different with that shapeshifter and Ellicot..."
I watch him, not responding.
"It just made me realize that you're still gone, Sammy... Of course it hurt to hear that... but it hurt because I knew that you were still suffering in hell..." Dean laughs a joyless laugh, letting his head fall, tears in his eyes. I am already crying, listening to my brothers torment, I've caused. "God... You've been to hell and I've thought you were back... and learning that you haven't been really back..." His voice breaks, I scoot closer, till our knees brush against each other. "It just killed me... you've been there... I've seen you... but it hasn't been you... it..."
"I'm sorry Dean." I let my forehead fall against Dean's shoulder gripping his arm, right over his elbow. And straight away he snaps out of it, pulling me against him. "I'm so sorry, Dean"
"We're good, Sammy." Dean promises. "I told you not to beat yourself up about it. And everything's okay now... Okay.."
"I do care, Dean... I..." I fist my hand in his shirt.
"Yeah... Sometimes I like you, too, even though you're a little bitch." I feel Dean run a hand through my hair. "So... Sammy... you made a promise... don't think about it."
"As long as you know that..."
"I know" Dean interrupts me, laying his forehead against the top of my head. "I know Sammy."
"Thanks for telling me." I yawn, burrowing closer.
"Don't mention it..." Dean lays me down onto the pillow and tucks a blanket around me. "Try to sleep, bud." He stays beside me.
I smile.
I've never understood why he forgives me anything but he does. It's always been that way.
"Jerk" I mumble, knowing that I'm about to fall asleep.
Dean understands anyway...