None of these characters are mine. Just going through the usual paces.
Sal, after calling Kitty from a phone booth in Central Park, is surprised to come across Elliot, whose romantic invitation he had rejected in the episode "Hobo Code", and what this means for them. This is slash fiction (that is, man-on-man romance and sex), thus if you don't like it then read something else; I will not accept flaming, but I will accept constructive criticism.
This is also a songfic towards the end, featuring the song "Only Love" from "The Scarlet Pimpernel", as sung by the great Linda Eder; it seemed a fitting song since Sal has denied himself for far too long and I think that he deserves some happiness, if only for a moment, as a closeted gay man in an oppressively conservative world. That Bryan Batt (who plays Sal) understudied Percy in that same musical and is openly gay also played into that, and it all seemed so perfect.
Only Love
"Salvatore?" a surprised gasp came from behind Sal Romano, who turned and gaped with equal surprise.
"Elliot?" Sal faced the tall, cinnamon-haired Belle Jolie salesman whose amorous advances he had rebuffed at the Roosevelt Hotel's bar some time ago.
The two men stood facing each other in the very darkened park, the silence so deafening to both of them. Sal's eyes squeezed shut before he sighed deeply. He could hardly believe this. He'd been fired by Don, had just hung up from a phone call to Kitty and now was running around Central Park in the middle of the night, cruising for sex among a scattered group of other men… and he'd run into a man from the past. How had he come to this?
"Why?" A single word escaped his lips. A word that sounded leaden with every burden of the city.
"Why what?" Elliot asked, puzzled by Sal's distress.
Eyes still closed, Sal figured that he should just say it. "I've been fired from Sterling-Cooper."
"What? Why?"
"Where can I even begin?"
Elliot looked earnestly into Sal's great dark eyes, "Try me."
Sal scoffed, "I'd keep you here all night if I told you."
"I'm not going anywhere," Elliot's voice was calm, "Go ahead."
Sal, hesitant for a moment, burst and opened the floodgate that had he had held closed, telling Elliot of his marriage to Kitty and her suspicions about him and their lack of intimacy; his one-sided crush on Ken and of the dinner party with Ken and Kitty where he nearly exposed who he really was; Kurt who had been verbally slammed for casually mentioning his homosexuality while Sal himself had kept silent, terrified to stand up for the young German; and of that damned whore of a director, Lee Garner, whose advances he had rejected and who had thus demanded his dismissal. Even Don Draper, who would normally have defended Sal, had used the phrase "you people" in his dismissal of his art director. You people. It had taken Sal every fiber of his being to control his shock and indignation. Now here he was, late at night in Central Park because of some asshole director whose ego had been bruised.
Elliot's eyes widened at the news that Sal had been fired because of spite from some horny client. He knew that this happened when somebody's sexuality was found out or at least suspected, but it was still a shock to hear about this unjust dismissal. "Lee, you son of a whore, how dare you do this to one of your own kind?" he cursed silently, disgusted and infuriated at this vindictive overgrown child who'd gotten Sal fired. But he just stood there, letting Sal vent. Was it not enough that the bars where lesbians and gay men gathered were regularly raided by the police and the personal information of that night's customers published in the next morning's papers? No it wasn't enough; one of their own just had to use his power to ruin a potential ally.
"…I just don't know what's sacred, anymore." Sal sighed, defeated and nearly despondent. The silence was deafening for a moment as they let everything sink into place. Men who lusted after other men, could their role be any more vulnerable than it already was?
Sal wanted to collapse, to throw himself against Elliot, but he dared not. That's not what men did, and certainly not with each other. The harsh voices and equally unyielding message of priests and nuns had been drilled into his mind since he learned how to write: sodomites were damned. And his family was so sickeningly Italian with the men chasing women behind the backs of their wives. Even at such a tender age, he knew enough to hold his tongue. He'd learned young to squelch his true feelings, to be as butch as possible, or he would have been mocked and had the tar beaten out of him time and again. He couldn't even talk to himself about this, much less to somebody else. It was just him against a world who hated him for his attraction to other males. All of the hiding and pretending was exhausting, benumbing him and suffocating until he could barely recognize himself.
The years had rolled by since childhood, rolled unbearably slowly, it seemed to him. He'd thought that he'd come to contain the the attraction to men that he'd felt since age six, the desires that he struggled with since he was twelve years of age... until that one day over two years ago when Belle Jolie had come to Sterling-Cooper to brainstorm and test their new lipsticks, and Elliot was among that team. Sal felt a strong attraction to him, but he'd pushed it away, telling himself that Elliot probably wasn't queer. But the spark was there, and over drinks that evening Elliot had invited him to his apartment. That moment for Sal was like throwing oil onto smoldering embers; the feelings that he'd thought that he'd contained burst through their restraints and, as much as he'd wanted to take this chance, he'd rather coldly rejected Elliot, refusing to acknowledge until this reunion how much that the shattered look in Elliot's eyes had stayed in his mind since he'd walked away. That night had reaffirmed everything that Sal had known since he was a boy: he was queer, however much that he wanted to hide it from himself as well as from the world.
Elliot, as much as he wanted to pull Sal into an embrace, just nodded as they stood in silence for a moment and then spoke.
"You're not alone, Salvatore. I know how it is to go around the office with snide remarks flying around. For the most part, none of it is directed at me, but I still live under constant fear that someone will find me out."
Sal sniggered ruefully, "And the guys just let Kurt have it! I can't begin to tell you how helpless it feels. But what can we do, really?"
Elliot rolled his eyes, "It won't be easy, but as long as I leave myself at home when I step out, I figure that I have a good chance of avoiding trouble."
"But are you married?" Sal asked sourly, "I've lived with my mother for years and I married just to leave her house... now I have to hide from Kitty, too!"
"No, I'm afraid that I'm not married," Elliot shook his head, "Which gives me little to complain about, compared to you, but all the same they look at me strangely, asking me why I'm not married."
"I've gone through that," Sal admitted eagerly, "And the young women who're looking for potential husbands, they drive me insane!"
Elliot chuckled, "They drive me crazy too, but there's nothing that a gentle hint won't do."
"I'll have to remember that," Sal remarked, sighing. All the same, they both admitted feeling pity and even a sense of empathy for these young women, who were chasing men just so they could marry and have families because they were expected to do that rather than out of any true passion for it. Elliot and Sal, as homosexuals, were expected to deny their true desires and marry the opposite sex and produce children, all because that's how life went.
"Would you like to come to my place tonight?" Elliot broached the subject, "If you'd like to sort this out in a more private setting, at least."
At these words, Sal, his hormones running high and feeling too defeated to do otherwise, nodded. "Why not? I've been kicked to the curb and nearly found out. I think that you'll have some luck in bringing me to your apartment this time."
The trek to Elliot's apartment was made with shy conversation, a shyness of uncertainty and anxiety but also of hope and excitement. They walked as closely as they could together without drawing attention to themselves, but now that they anticipated something, the suppression of desire and subtle glances at handsome men that had become second nature to both of them was tested to the maximum. The moments seemed to drag on for hours as they entered the building, as they entered and exited the elevator.
The feeling of the elevator floor moving below their feet was a relief that the both of them had never known before, with their journey nearly over.
The jangling of keys and the opening of the door overjoyed them and they hurried through, closing the door as quickly and as quietly as possible.
"Would you like anything, Salvatore?" Elliot inquired as he removed his blazer, "I think that there I may have some-"
Sal shook his head in refusal. The look in their eyes said everything.
The brush of Elliot's lips on his own surprised Sal and he almost didn't return the kiss, but it thrilled them both.
Dumbstruck, Sal found his voice, "I don't care how tough that this makes life for me, I'm not going back… ai Dio, Elliot, don't stop…!"
Their mouths clashed, Elliot thrilled at the ripe fullness of Sal's lips against his own before his tongue invaded Sal's mouth, inciting a duel of tongues. Frustrated at their buttons, but unwilling to ruin their shirts, lest they arouse suspicion, they fumbled hurriedly and hastily struggled out of them.
Sal nearly came as his naked chest met Elliot's, gasping in shock at the sensation. The kisses that ran over his neck made him feel faint, but he returned them with great eagerness. The scent of skin and pure manliness overwhelmed Sal, who felt as though he had felt the sun for the first time, felt warmth and pleasure in this body that had only ever felt numb and bridled by the threat of damnation and punishment.
"Please," he thought with urgency, "Don't let this stop! I've wasted enough time missing out on everything! Let this last!"
Sal ran his hands down Elliot's back and over the ample globes of his backside as his trousers fell to the floor, hardly daring to believe that he was touching another man like this. Elliot responded in kind before sliding his hand over the straining ripeness that stood naked and unapologetic between Sal's thighs.
Sal bucked and nearly burst at the sensation. The years of claims that his palms would grow hairy, the years of refusing his body and soul what they cried out for, the fears of harassment and attacks, the quelled lust, the denied longings, the agony of solitude… now all of that had come to an end, if only for tonight.
Elliot gaped as his eyes drank in Sal's naked form. The furred barrel chest, adorned by taut, dark red buds; his tanned skin; his shapely legs; the ripeness of his sex rising from its dark nest… now that he had seen the extent of Sal's beauty, he was totally and irreversibly smitten.
Sal was just as impressed by Elliot's leaner, albeit muscled form, his chest sprinkled by a soft brown thicket and the blossom of his loins just as eager as his own. Was this really happening? Was this gorgeous man naked and aroused just for him?
Elliot's lips and tongue on his nipples broke Sal from his reverie and he arched his back with a gasp, on the brink of release but unwilling to let it end so soon. Breathing deeply for a moment to control himself, Sal pulled away to surrender himself to Elliot's nipples, still somewhat unsure of what to do.
Elliot smiled, stifling a giggle, "Salvatore, you have so much to learn. I only hope that I can show you how this is done properly."
He gestured to the bed, bringing Sal with him as he tumbled onto it. They were as naked as they had come into the world, and they relished the sensation of each other's bodies, exploring nearly every place that even remotely shivered with delight at a caress…
They collapsed on the sheets, breathing heavily as the waves of orgasm passed.
Sal could barely move. His body was spent and exhausted from sheer joy as he gasped. Had this just happened? He never realized that the body could feel such pleasure. He had not had such an intense orgasm in the longest time, and never before with someone else. He barely believed this himself, but Elliot's presence beside him assured him that this was very real.
"Why did I refuse this before?" Sal inquired as he found his voice, gingerly turning his head to face the man beside him.
Elliot chuckled as he turned to embrace Sal, "What does that matter now? I'm very happy to know that you're here!"
Sal felt intoxicated by the embrace, still unaccustomed to the sensation of a naked male body, "For the first time, I feel alive. This is all so scary, but it's all so wonderful...Elliot," Sal, breaking out of his reverie for a moment, pulled from the embrace to look Elliot's eyes, two azure ponds that emphasized the mellow air about his handsome face, "What does this mean? What happens now?"
Elliot sighed as he gazed right back into Sal's dark chocolate eyes, "Salvatore, I don't expect you to be totally at ease with this part of yourself," his voice wavered slightly, something flickering in his eyes, "But there has not gone a day since that night at the bar that I haven't thought of you."
Sal wasn't sure what he should think of this. He felt sated, thoroughly sated from their adventure in the sheets, but something was stirring in him now as he listened to Elliot's rich baritone voice resounding in his ears and mind, something that he thought that he could control, if not overcome. He felt that same dull pain in his chest, that feeling of butterflies in his stomach, that mixture of anxiety and delight of infatuation, perhaps something more.
It was that same old longing, that same feeling of attachment to someone who most likely would never return the feeling to him. But this time… this time, he had not only slept with a man but one who was more likely to reciprocate his feelings. And it scared him to death. As much as he wanted to, he still feared that which could cost him another job.
"I can't do this." Sal said abruptly.
"What?" Elliot started, surprised by the outburst but not surprised by the sentiment.
"I've been fired, I have a wife, I have a reputation to look out for… and now this. How could I possibly hide this?"
Elliot lowered his head as he sat on the edge of the bed, feeling even more hurt than that first time that Sal rejected him.
"I understand…" he murmured. Elliot steeled himself as felt Sal pull away from the bed, "I might have expected that you would say that," his voice creaked wearily, "I only hope that you won't be averse to seeing me again."
Not a word was exchanged as Sal dressed, but as he was about to march through the bedroom door and leave, he paused to look at Elliot's crestfallen form on the bed. He couldn't help but feel a pang of remorse at what he'd said to Elliot. A part of Sal wanted to sweep over and hold Elliot, to reassure and apologize for hurting him. He'd always had a weakness for men in turmoil; he never admitted it, even to himself, that the suffering of a man touched him far more deeply than the suffering of a woman. The strongest part of him still refused to return to Elliot, to surrender to his feelings. He sighed and tried not to look back as he shut the door and made for the elevator.
Elliot fell back onto the bed, wearing only the sheets. Gasping heavily for breath, the heaving breaths threatened to progress into sobs as his face twisted in anguish.
But he didn't dare break down, not even alone. Sucking in a deep breath to calm himself and overcome the unbearable ache in his breast, he gritted his teeth and rolled over onto his side, hardly daring to believe the situation.
His parents may have suspected that their son was a fairy, with his devotion to art and decorating, but they said nothing, never mind the disappointment on their faces when they looked at him. He knew that this attraction to other males was not something to be discussed, and his inclination to frilly details and style earned him quite a few taunts from his peers, who called him "sissy". From the age of six, he had tried to act as butch as possible to avoid suspicion and for the most part it worked, but he was dying on the inside.
Thank God, he always thought, that he had moved to New York City, where nobody would know him. Living relatively anonymously, Elliot had made a name for himself at Belle Jolie. The years of heartache and yearning for other men had been numbed as he convinced himself year after year that he would only feel lust and never attachment to other men; he had occasional flings with rough trade and the pleasure of the moment would always pass and he would never see these men again. That he also occasionally read the Mattachine Review and attended meetings had also helped him to connect with a few like-minded men. He thought that he had finally grounded himself, had finally found a means of controlling his urges and isolating them from his public life.
Until Salvatore Romano caught his sight, the romantic longings from which he thought he had learned to separate himself now raged full with vengeance. He felt as though a boulder, sharp-edged, was rolling about in his breast, weighting him down. Try as he could, the image of Sal's handsome face, as well as the blow of his refusal, was burned into his mind.
Despite his efforts, his battle against his feelings was a losing one. His lower lip quaking, he nearly let the sobs out as he felt the tears begin to burn his eyes. No- he couldn't break down. He couldn't. Not even in private; how would he be able to maintain his guard? He feared that he would be unable to stop if he began. He should save himself from more of that; Sal's first refusal had hurt him less deeply, but it left him dazed for weeks. He'd become toughened by the rejection of romantic overtures, resigned to it, although he hated it all the same.
Still, he held hope that, if they had met again, then perhaps they were meant to be. He couldn't surrender that hope... not yet.
"Salvatore Romano, why on earth do you do this to me?" Kitty's frustrated scowl greeted Sal as he entered his apartment.
"Kitty-! You're still up? It's three in the morning!"
The young woman's eyes were cold as she stared at him, unflinching, "How can I sleep when I'm going crazy from trying to figure you out? From wondering about our marriage, about where you go when you're out of my sight? And why have you been so detached from me?" her voice wavered and her eyes glazed over, threatening to spill, but she kept her gaze on him, "I may not need much, but I need tending and I don't remember you acting the least bit interested in me and you seem to have some sort of strange excuse every time. Don't you like me? Why are you avoiding me?"
Sal flinched, shaking his head. He'd just had several hours of passion with Elliot and was actually beginning to feel something for the man... and he'd rejected Elliot and now he'd found himself returned to the "normal" compartment of his life.
"Kitty, it's late and I have to go looking for jobs tomorrow; can't we discuss this later?"
"Later-!" Kitty's eyes widened with frustration and anger, her voice shrill, "I can't believe you, Sal! I've been kept in the shadows for goodness knows how long and I can't stand this anymore! Tell me now!"
"Kitty, I-!"
"Tell me, Sal. Who is she?"
Sal blinked, "Who is who?"
"The other woman, that's who!" Kitty snapped, "You have to be cheating on me with someone! Who is she?"
"Yes, I am-!" he blurted, but lowered his voice to avoid waking the neighbors.
Kitty steeled herself, "Do you love her?"
Sal wanted to scream, "No, I want nothing to do with a woman! I'm a queer, I'm a sodomite!" but he kept his voice low.
"No, I don't know how I feel about him."
Kitty, caught off guard, blinked, "Him?"
"Yes, him," Sal sighed in defeat, "Yes Kitty, I'm a homosexual, I'm a queer, I'm a pervert, I'm an abomination, and I have been for as long as I can remember." Never did Sal think that he could shake so badly. He braced himself for the explosion that he thought would come.
But no such explosion came. Only a calm, albeit cold, question, "Then why did you marry me?"
"Because I felt that I had to. I would have raised who knows how many eyebrows if I hadn't; a forty-something guy, still unmarried and a few effeminate traits to go along with everything else," Sal replied, his voice weary and bitter, "And harassment, commitment to insane asylums, scornful looks from respectable society, beatings from thugs… I married to save my ass!"
Kitty winced as she shook her head, on the verge of tears, "I always had this suspicion that you weren't in love with me; you were gushing all over Ken or whatever his name is at that party."
"I know," Sal's voice had softened, the bitterness replaced with regret, "I have always had a crush on him, but that doesn't excuse how I treated you, Kitty… and it's true, I entered this marriage for protection, but I love you all the same. I may have married as a cover, but it's been killing me that I've done this to you."
Kitty stared at her husband, her face stony despite the tear stains.
"I admit that I have never been in love with you, Kitty, but I've always seen you as a friend, as an ally. You have so much to give, some man out there would be incredibly lucky to have you… and I've thrown a kink into everything by dragging you into this mess that I've made. And for all of this, I am truly sorry for what I've put you through; I pulled you into what I should have dealt with myself."
Kitty sighed deeply, letting it all sink in that this marriage had been a travesty from the beginning. "And yet, I feel relieved that you have not been cheating on me with other women. Salvatore, I can understand why you did this, but this is not what marriage is for; I married for love, not to hide a refugee."
"I know that you did," Sal murmured ruefully, "And everybody says that I can be cured, God knows I've tried, but it's done nothing but make me want to die sooner."
"But Sal, you could have of let me go to another man who would actually want me…" Kitty murmured, "I just don't know what comes after this."
Sal's eyes widened, "What're you going to say to everyone?"
"Sal, for your sake, I'll keep quiet about this, but if you say that you're homosexual then I can't stay married to someone who has no interest in me."
Relief swept through Sal, relief that she wouldn't turn him in and a sense of relief that he never believed: relief from the load that he had carried for so long. He felt much lighter, some of the burden of his secret life had been lessened.
But pangs of guilt rushed through him. He had hurt Kitty as well as Elliot, and this realization stabbed at his ecstatic relief. Kitty, who had been nothing but good to him, had suffered because he didn't have the balls to deal with his baggage himself.
"Kitty, I'm truly sorry for putting you through this. I know that I hurt you and I hope that you can find it in yourself to forgive me, and I understand completely if you can't."
"You did hurt me," Kitty murmured, "I won't say that I'm not disappointed, but I am relieved that you've told me about this rather than let me waste away for years. For that I'm grateful."
"I still shouldn't have pulled you into this," Sal said with little expression as his thoughts turned back to Elliot, his reawakened longings, and his cold, blunt rejection of this man who thoroughly enchanted him. The ache in his breast returned with a vengeance, more painful than he ever thought possible. What feelings were these that made him want to burst with sobs and joy all at once?
Kitty, looking up from her weariness, could see Sal's eyes become glassy as he blinked fervently, his face twitching. She knew what that look meant. She sighed deeply as she resigned herself to the fact that their marriage was over.
The following morning had been one of uncertainty and new beginnings. Sal felt naked as he walked from building to building, interview to interview, feeling as though everybody knew. Worse yet, he had the extremes of an infatuation to hide. His heart literally hurt and he felt chilled all over, and yet there was this feeling of excitement in the midst of the distress. Not since adolescence and college had he felt this painful joy. The hours seemed to run together in one large blur as Sal mechanically recited his accomplishments to manager after manager.
Elliot's hurt look seemed burned into his mind's eye, and the memory of the night before made him shiver with both heat and cold. His regret of leaving the man who had offered a piece of his soul to him along with his body, the regret was becoming unbearable as the image of those two sapphire spheres lose their warmth and turn glassy before turning away from him returned over and over in his mind... and, to his chagrin, in his heart. He coughed frequently, trying to steel himself against the onslaught of feelings.
Now that he was unemployed, admitting his sexuality to himself, and his marriage in shambles, Sal wandered the streets of New York until the late afternoon as he wandered from office to office, as he waited for his applications to be accepted or rejected. What would happen to him now? He tried not to think of what volleys would come...
"Elliot!" Sal gasped in surprise as he suddenly found himself facing the man whom he hoped that he could avoid, despite his growing attraction to him.
"Hello, Salvatore..." Elliot murmured shyly, "How was the job hunting today?" his voice was warm and friendly, but Sal could see the remnants of pain in those deep blue eyes, despite a welcoming smile.
"It's going," Sal replied, weary from a day of walking and uncertainty coupled with a wash of feelings that were becoming impossible for him to contain, "I've been just about all over the city today, just like the past few days, hoping that someone would at least consider me. How're you?"
"Well," Elliot began, "I've been just as busy as ever at Belle Jolie… but honestly, " his voice faltered a bit, but he took a breath to steady it, "I've been thinking about you since that night, Salvatore. I've been in such a haze that everyone's been staring at me… Salvatore, I-!"
"Please, just call me Sal. Everyone calls me that," the fallen art director interrupted.
"Sal, I was actually hoping to come across you today..."
Sal sighed deeply, hesitating before speaking, "If you're asking for another try after last night, I won't deny that I'm interested, but this feels..."
"What?" Elliot asked abruptly, "This feels what?"
"This scares me. I'm feeling a number of things and I'm not sure what I should do..."
Sal blinked as he looked around, "Elliot, do you think that we could discuss this someplace else? I feel like everybody's watching us."
Elliot nodded to this request and led Sal away from the busy sidewalk and towards nearby Central Park, where there would be some degree of privacy.
"I told Kitty about myself on that night of our fling," Sal admitted as they walked, "I told her my little secret."
"You did? What did she say?" Elliot's eyes widened in surprise and expectation.
Sal sighed deeply, "Thank goodness that she's not about to tell anybody, and that she had some suspicion about me… but I can't help how guilty I feel about deceiving her. She married me thinking that this was love while I was really just looking for a cover."
"I know, Sal," Elliot murmured, "I could never do that: marry a woman to save face and let us both be miserable. I get quite a few looks because I'm not married, but I don't care." He had enough to worry about; he was not about to pull some woman into the mix, some unwitting bride who would go crazy trying to figure out why her husband didn't like her.
"Now that Kitty knows about me and I'm unemployed, what am I going to do…?" Sal rolled his eyes casually and tried to shut himself off from what he felt stirring within him.
"You could come to my place. Tell me more about it." Elliot's voice was almost silent in the nearly deserted park.
Salvatore nodded, without making a sound.
Their evening together surprised Sal. Elliot had proven himself to be as good of a cook as he was. Dinner was a warm, animated affair, and Sal actually felt himself begin to relax. What did this mean? He'd thought that living as a homosexual meant that he would be thoughtlessly screwing numberless, anonymous men in these little dives in dark, out-of-the-way places, never extending beyond the lust. Sure, he knew that he'd felt attached to a number of men in his life, Ken for one. But there was never any focus on that, in his experiences; everything was strictly clinical, never emotional. The domesticity of the whole spectacle surprised him. Since the night before, he'd found that every feeling that he had around Elliot was being magnified, deepened. Feelings that hurt with their intensity, but he didn't want them to stop.
But again, he felt himself giving into his fears and refused once again when asked to stay afterward. He knew that he has so much to lose by doing this, that he'd already lost a job because of his sexual orientation. Why? Why did something forbidden have to be so delightful? Why did he feel what he was not supposed to feel? Just, why?
Elliot sighed, refusing to give into his desire to collapse, despite his failing resolve. Salvatore was going back to his life with Kitty, albeit his false life. Could he bear more of this? Why did he want this man when he could easily have any man? Any bellhop? Any construction worker? Why could he not forget Salvatore Romano, the man who had refused him and broken his heart?
Elliot kept his distance from everyone in the office the next day. He did not want to speak to anybody. He couldn't. He feared to death that if he tried to make a sound, the knot in his throat would tighten and he would be crying despite himself. He knew the game, for he'd played it for as long as he could remember, but how could he keep the façade when he was vulnerable? To continue wearing that mask of virility over his face when it was sapping him of his soul?
No, he had to keep to himself, that night as well as the work day, for his wounds were still raw. But how could he dismiss the man whom he could not forget? A tear of despair and hope rolled down his cheek, relieving the pain somewhat before he hastily wiped it away.
Four, five days passed before Salvatore felt the walls of the prison that he'd built begin to crack. He had remembered Elliot for nearly three years just as Elliot had remembered him. While his prospects for work had improved somewhat, he was a man in distress. He felt like that young boy again, that boy who was scared of his best friend because he was in love with him. The longing for love and joy from another man were now stronger than they had ever been, and all of it was more than he could bear.
Kitty was packing a suitcase when he entered the apartment. Packing to leave, he knew, because she knew that the marriage was over. She managed a half-smile as he entered the bedroom, a smile which did not meet her eyes.
"Wonderful," Sal thought bitterly as he felt his chest tightening even further, "I've ruined her life, I've ruined Elliot's life, and I've ruined my own! And Elliot...! How could I have done that to him...? After he...!"
Elliot's crushed expression came to the fore of his mind once again and something inside of him snapped.
Kitty started at the sound of gasping that soon melted into a whimper. She whirled around just in time to meet the sound of soft sobs. Her husband, who had been rather distant from her for most of their marriage, was beginning to crack from the strain that he had revealed to her.
Her blue eyes wide, Kitty was unsure of what to do. She was still angry that he'd been stringing her along, but to see him so upset alarmed her.
"Salvatore! What's wrong?"
"Kitty," Sal tried to control himself, "I can't begin to tell you how sorry that I am. I married you because I felt safe with you, but I truly, honestly care about you and it has killed me to know that I've been leading you on...
"There are so many things that I wish that I could tell you, tell somebody, but I'm terrified of what you'll think."
Kitty sat on the bed beside him, "I've promised you, Sal, that I would keep my silence about this, and I swear that I will. What's troubling you?"
Sighing deeply, Sal told her of his two encounters with Elliot and of his growing attachment to him and his regret over rejecting him twice.
Kitty listened to him, unsure of what to say, but holding his hand and listening to him nonetheless.
"Salvatore, I won't pretend that I understand how it feels, but I forgive you. This is your life, and if that means living with another man, then so be it."
Sal nodded. He could not believe either the relief nor the amazement that Kitty would remain loyal to him and protect him after revealing such a secret. Her capacity to forgive him and her gesture overwhelmed him.
Sal walked calmly in the late evening light of New York after another day of interviews. He felt dazed now as he watched the streets, still anxious about running into the man whom he wanted to forget. But today felt different. Tonight he had to confront Elliot, as much as it frightened him. Kitty's tolerant reaction, a total surprise to him, had opened his eyes to opportunity. An opportunity for happiness, however dangerous. Still, his nerves were taut. A walk through Central Park had to be a way to calm them.
"Salvatore?"
Sal whirled around toward that now-familiar voice, "Elliot?"
Elliot stood from a bench in the remnants of the sunset, dressed smartly in his coat and hat, looking as handsome as ever… no, as beautiful as ever, he now seemed to Sal.
"Sal, I hoping to come across you today. I understand completely if you don't want to discuss what happened between us, but I just want you to know how hurt that I am that you walked out on me."
"I was hoping to run into you," Sal admitted, "I just want to discuss this, sort out what this is."
Elliot looked at him hopefully as they reached a small nook among the trees, trying to avoid attention, "Sal, I understand that this is a difficult time for you, and this may very well complicate things for both of us, but the truth is that I like you… a lot. And while I understand if you don't want to associate with me, it hurts me terribly that you just left me. It hurts me to know that you're in a distressing situation."
Sal was not used to another man pouring his soul out to him and he felt his heart trembling with that same old longing that he found himself trying to squelch time and again, that longing for tenderness and intimacy from another man. But he stood there, poker-faced save for a glaze over his eyes, listening to Elliot.
"I can't help myself, Salvatore. I can tell that this scares you yet. It scares me too, with all of society against us, but why are you wasting your life in trying to hide instead of living?"
Sal was dumbstruck. They both knew well enough that paddy wagons raided the bars and night-clubs where their kind gathered and even had the gall to publish the names of the night's customers, that straight guys could gang up on them, that their careers could be ruined, that they could be thrown into insane asylums and reformatories… but Greenwich Village was so near, seemed so inviting, and offered a degree of safety.
Sal could not bring himself to speak, much less to this handsome man who had declared his feelings for him. He was terrified yet his hormones were driving him insane with oppressed lust, and that he felt butterflies in his stomach for Elliot was just something else to worry about.
"Sal, won't you come with me tonight? Come on up to my place. We can sort this out.," Elliot urged, "What have we to lose?"
Elliot was again breathless as he gazed at Sal. The soft, tanned skin, his full lips, his short raven hair, his thick body… his smoldering dark eyes now glistened with an unspoken vulnerability and yearning. Could he have looked more beautiful?
Elliot ached to pull Sal into his arms, but kept his distance as they stared at each other in wonder, waiting for Sal to absorb all that he'd said, waiting for him to answer.
"I am scared," Sal's voice was brittle and hesitant, "Elliot, I want to do this more than I can tell, but who knows what could happen? If we're damned already, then why not take the scenic route to Hell? But I'm still hoping that maybe I'll avoid-!"
"Shh-!' Elliot hushed him, ending the tirade that seemed to be veering to hysteria, "I used to think the same thing, Salvatore. But I have met many other men like us. I can't begin to tell you what a relief that it was to share our stories and come to this understanding that we're more or less ordinary men… to find that we're not these demons that the church paints us to be…"
Elliot blinked as his eyes became glassy, "To share the pain and find that we're not bad people, but good people, could I have asked for more, really? I'm just so grateful that I am where I am, and to know that there are others like us, hiding in plain sight."
Sal listened in rapture, hardly daring to believe him. He'd known for some years that homosexuality was not a rare, isolated occurrence, but he couldn't bring himself to acknowledge it. Could there possibly be a chance? The sight of Elliot's barely restrained tears pricked at his heart, threatening to betray his own feelings. In his learned instincts, he let his eyes wander elsewhere.
Elliot reached a hand over to Sal's shoulder, urging his focus back towards him.
Something flickered in Sal as he caught sight of Elliot's face gazing back at him, as though looking for an answer. He felt his resistance to his feelings crumbling as he stared into the beautiful pale face of the man in front of him. Elliot's wistful yet hopeful expression stirred those longings even more until the dam that held them back had ruptured.
Since he'd told Kitty of his true nature, Sal's feelings of lust toward other men had suddenly become mixed with this emotional draw towards them and he was struck by the sudden realization that a loving, intimate relationship with another man could be possible. His last visit to Elliot's apartment had suddenly watered and sunned the seed which had been nearly suffocated within him, a seed which he could feel beginning to sprout. This all seemed too good to be true…
"I don't know what to do," Sal murmured, his guard down, "I like you too, Elliot… but I'm still scared."
Elliot's heart leapt as he heard Sal admit that he liked him. Restraining himself from overwhelming Sal, he gingerly reached over and placed his hands on Sal's shoulders, "I know that you are, but remember: this is only the two of us. Just us."
Sal suddenly felt Elliot's arms around him in a gentle embrace. He gasped in surprise, embarrassed and yet grateful for this contact as he slowly returned the hug. He'd never realized that such a simple gesture could feel so good.
His cheeks burned from shame at his arousal, at letting himself be so vulnerable as he glanced about to see if there was anybody else around who would see them. Nobody.
The soft sensation of Elliot's lips on his cheek made him freeze. Stunned, he felt tears welling in his eyes as he realized that, perhaps for the first time, another man was considering his feelings. Sal could feel the years of suppressed feelings rushing forth within him, fighting to escape.
After a repeat of Sal's phone call to Kitty several nights before, Sal anxiously set off with Elliot. The trek toward Elliot's apartment had been a blur. They could not reach it fast enough, with their hormones raging and their hearts nigh onto bursting, all the while forced to hide their true intentions. The elevator could not have been any slower.
Sal's thoughts were racing with his heart, wondering if this was a good idea, still afraid of not just the dangers but of the intimacy. Intimacy with another man, emotional as well as physical, was terrifying to him. What would this mean for him, now? The vulnerability that he had learned to hide, that he guarded against everybody, would now be on display, laid bare for Elliot. He was trembling as the elevator drew closer to their floor.
"I'm afraid," his voice was barely audible.
Elliot looked over at the Italian and intuitively draped his arm over Sal's shoulders, drawing him close. "Don't be. I'm here for you, Sal," his voice trembling as much as Sal trembled, "I can't begin to tell you how happy that I am that you're here with me, Salvatore Romano."
More tears pricked at Sal's eyes and he let them slide down his face before swiping at them. Sal wanted to let himself sob and wail, to throw himself against Elliot, but he was still shy about doing that around someone else; the years of quelling his natural inclinations had not yet been overcome.
The doors opened and the two men composed themselves as they walked eagerly to the awaiting flat.
Now there was no turning back for Sal. He had committed himself to this, and he became even more anxious as Elliot unlocked the door and they stepped over the threshold.
As the door clicked shut, Sal closed his eyes and exhaled as he rubbed his face, unsure of what would happen now. Opening his eyes, he looked inquisitively at Elliot, who had removed his coat and jacket and cast them onto the coat rack nearby.
Those blue eyes that just about swallowed Sal with their depth and beauty brimmed with tears of joy. Elliot could not believe that Sal had returned, that Sal had admitted feelings for him. Now they were together, if only for one night.
As Sal lowered his head in some residual shame, Elliot gingerly lifted him back up to face him, "Don't be afraid, Salvatore. It's just us. Don't be afraid to feel what you feel… darling-!"
"Darling-!" One word, half-gasped, half-whispered with great emotion had done Sal in. He felt everything that he had suppressed for years bubbling again, the pain and longing… forty-something and newly unemployed, he was standing here, hearing another man's declaration of love for him.
"'Darling'? My goodness, I don't know what to say…!" his voice was husky and unsteady as he tried to keep his face from twisting.
Elliot swooped in just as the tears began to fall, seeping into the shoulder of his shirt.
"Shhh…, it's all right," Elliot's crooned, "I'm here, my love…!"
Sal shook with muffled sobs as he clung to Elliot. He couldn't bring himself to deny this anymore. He loved Elliot. He was in love with another man. Nothing else mattered now. For once, he didn't give a damn about who said that he would go to Hell.
The years of hiding, of losing himself, of lying to everyone, of sneaking around, of pretending all of the time, all of it was crashing to the ground within him, surging from him in waves.
"Let it out, sweetheart," Elliot crooned as he stroked Sal's heaving back, running his hand through the dark locks of hair as he cradled his lover's head on his shoulder, both of them crying openly.
"Elliot, I've never let myself feel. Now that I am, I'm just speechless… ai mio dio, I'm shaking!"
"So am I, Sal," Elliot's voice was almost fragile as he answered, holding onto Sal just as tightly, "But I could not be happier since you're here… I've waited for this for so long-!"
Elliot pulled from the embrace as he leaned in to kiss the tears from Sal's ruddy cheeks, "Ever since that night at the bar, I've wanted to see you again. You were so breathtaking that I knew that I wouldn't have any peace."
"I was so stupid and afraid then," Sal murmured, "To admit to myself…" his face contorted in pain, "And I just rushed out on you! And not once, but three times I ran out on you! I can't begin to imagine how much that I hurt you…!"
Elliot sighed and hugged Sal tightly, "You did hurt me, but all of that is said and done. You're here now…!"
"I know...," Sal squeaked as his body shook, "I don't know what it is, but that first night with you, and going home to Kitty... I just can't take it-! I don't want to pretend anymore...! Oh Elliot...!"
"Shhh," Elliot's eyes were glassy and he squeezed Sal tighter, "I'm here. You don't have to pretend..."
The hour was late, but they didn't care. They had marathon nights in their time, and this reunion had obliterated any weariness that they may have felt before.
"I must look quite fetching, don't I?" Sal remarked as he wiped his eyes, "After the spectacle that I've made of myself, just now."
Elliot gazed at Sal, his eyes red from crying, his face flushed, and he could not have disagreed more with Sal's self-deprecation. "You're more beautiful than I've seen you before," he replied fondly as he caressed the shorter man's face.
Sal gaped as Elliot walked back from the bathroom, his breath taken away at the sight of the nakedness of the man for whom he'd fallen. He was so beautiful. It all seemed so natural, somehow.
Elliot smiled fondly at the sight of Sal's awestruck face, "What has you so spellbound, there?"
Licking his parched lips, Sal's voice came out soft and husky, "You, Elliot... you're amazing..."
They shared a hearty kiss as Elliot settled back into the bed. They lay among the sheets, spent from an evening of lovemaking, holding each other for dear life as though afraid that this was but a dream, that this would all end with the morning light.
"It all seems so surreal, Elliot," Sal murmured against the gently furred skin of Elliot's bare chest, "Why did I ever refuse you?"
Elliot smiled, silently grateful as he cradled Sal's head on his shoulder, savoring the raven-black hair as he ran his fingers through it.
Sal, intoxicated by this delight, bent his head and tenderly kissed Elliot's heart through the skin over his breastbone, his eyes shiny with new tears as he gave thanks for this beautiful man who adored him, whom he adored.
Elliot, surprised by this caress, felt his eyes stinging with newfound tears and he eagerly pulled Sal in for a kiss.
"I love you, Salvatore Romano, with all of my heart," Elliot caressed Sal's face as they broke their kiss.
Sal blushed as he smiled, "And I love you, Elliot Lawrence. I love you more than I can say," settling his face back onto Elliot's breast. Neither of them believed just how lucky that they were now that they had found each other as they laid together.
But a nagging worry still pricked at Sal's mind: tomorrow. What would come then, when they left the safe haven of this apartment? "Elliot," he murmured against the soft skin, "What happens after this? What will we do? I can't help but worry about what might...!"
Elliot touched his fingers to Sal's lips, "Hush, my love," he crooned, "That will come later on, not tonight; we'll cross those bridges when we reach them. Just rest for now. We're together. We have each other; what else matters?"
Sal nodded, his worry shriveling as he rested against Elliot's warmth. He knew that Elliot was right.
Tomorrow and the coming days would tell where fate would lead them, for better or worse, and they would meet that fate together.
Finis