Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at works/5841955.

The Unsolved Mystery of Creek's Disposable Income

by Spinestalker

Notes: Wrote this shortly after the Tweek x Craig episode and let it rot in my drafts. All I could think was what a great way being gay that was to make money.

It was becoming apparent to Cartman that Tweek and Craig were living beyond their means.

They'd always had what they wanted, the hottest video games and the newest electronics, mostly things that could be attributed to attentive spoiling parents. The Tweaks were well off with a mildly successful coffee shop but Craig's father worked at in insurance claim office, and though Cartman had no doubt insurance was a racket, he doubted much of that trickled down to Thomas Tucker's cubical. It had seemed curious when last fall Craig had scored all three major consoles as well a super special edition handheld. It had also seemed a little extravagant he'd paid his and Tweek's fees for their senior class trip on the day it was announced.

Of course Craig had a job, if you counted his 4 hour a week shifts at the movie theater actual work. Cartman knew for a fact he and Tweek just sat in on whatever movies were new that week and binged on soda and probably gave each other blowies or something. But he was a senior in high school with a small income and no real bills to speak of, so naturally he'd get to spend it on whatever he wanted to.

But there was no way that Craig Tucker, or Thomas Tucker, or whatever the hell Laura Tucker did could have afforded a $50,000 car.

Unless his mother was a prostitute, which he supposed he couldn't rule out, but he'd seen what she drove. Why would you buy an 18 year old a brand new sports car when you drove a 15 year old faded sudan. Even his own mother would have scoffed at that. He knows. He tried.

When the shiny Kona Blue Mustang pulled into the school parking lot, he wasn't ashamed to say he popped a boner, as awkward as it was to do while seething in envy.

"Damn, what I wouldn't give to have that and Craig have a feather up his ass; then we'd both be tickled."

Stan and Kyle scrunched their noses, giving him pleasure to know they'd have that image in their head for a while, but Kenny just hmmed.

"That isn't nearly as ticklish as you'd think."

It was Cartman's turn to turn to be disgusted. "I honestly never wanted to know that, Kenny."

Kenny shrugged, unfazed at the insult as Clyde and Token joined them, the latter scowling irritably. As soon as the car turned off Tweek jumped out of the passenger door like he was on fire. Still in the driver's seat, Craig gave him an exasperated look as Tweek gently closed the door with his body weight before climbing out himself to kicked the door closed carelessly, both his and Tweek's backpacks in hand.

"You were supposed to be here an hour ago. I had to finish the paper without you," Token said.

"All that horsepower and he can't get anywhere on time," Clyde added, shaking his head in shame.

"I would be if I was allowed to go the speed limit."

"The speed limit is too fast!" Tweek squeaked, standing as far away from the Mustang as he could without touching the rust bucket behind him.

"The speed limit is 30."

"And your car is a death trap!"

Craig rolled his eyes. "He made me go 15 the whole way 10 in school zones."

"There are small children! and they dart into the road and you can't predict them!"

Craig held out his arm in display of Tweek's paranoia. His boyfriend continued to look unapologetic where he stood by the passenger side wheel, thermos cradled against his chest with a cell held aloft in with two fingers as he looked nervously at the front of the car.

"What?"

"It could roll forward," Tweek explained.

"The parking brake is on."

"It could be faulty."

"It's a new car."

"Manufacturing defects, Craig! That's why recalls happen and recalls only happen after so many people die and their lawyers decide if payouts are more expensive than a recall and, Jesus man, that's why you shouldn't have bought a brand new car!"

Craig sighed, rolling his eyes at the tired argument. "Just walk in front of the bumper. It's not going to roll forward at full speed.

Tweek looked doubtful but relented to take a few very quick steps to cross in front of it. He tumbled at the end but CRaig easily caught him and helped him upright.

"Better?"

"Maybe…"

"Dude, did you already get a new phone?" Kyle asked. Cartman narrowed his eyes. It was new, in fact it was one that had only been released a few days ago but hadn't he just gotten a new iPhone a few weeks ago?

"I threw the other one in the pond," Tweek explained, looking at the new one with dismay, "It was telling me to go somewhere."

"He accidently turned on the GPS app," Craig added.

"No. I didn't. I'm telling you, it was trying to get me to go somewhere." Tweek dangled it towards Craig, urging him to take it from him. "And this one's too smart. It already knows my name."

"It's supposed to."

"No." he leaned in, whispering, "It know that name."

A recognition passed over Craig's face followed by a wince.

"Sorry. That's probably my fault."

He took the phone, stuffing it in his pocket before putting a hand on the back of Tweek's neck. The blond's stiff shoulders went instantly limp and he leaned against Craig as if the weight of his phone had been too much.

Cartman sighed, because really, something was off about the whole thing but he couldn't put his finger on it. Where was the money coming from? How had they maintained a relationship for a solid 8 years? And what the hell did that kid's parents do to him?

"You are so fucking weird," he commented out loud and even the lovebirds couldn't argue that.