A Diarreassterous Date

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Oneshot Comedy

Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to Fullmetal Alchemist and the characters in Fullmetal Alchemist. I just write fanfiction, that's all, and I gain no monetary profit from doing so. I just get writing practice.

Roy was unable to keep the smile off his face as he pulled in front of Riza Hawkeye's apartment building. After years of working together, keeping themselves on the cusp of friends and lovers, he was able to take Riza on a date. With the election of Fuehrer Grumman and the alteration of the fraternization laws, they no longer had to worry about being court-martialed. As soon as that memo came down from the higher ups, since he was one of the higher-ups he knew about it before it was sent, he'd asked her out on a date. That small piece of paper tore away most of the barriers between them.

He pulled his car into one of the parking spots in front of the building, grabbed the flowers from the front seat, and got out of the car. After locking the vehicle, he went into the building, this time going through the front entrance instead of the back, and up to her apartment.

He arrived at her place and stared at the black steel numbers on her door for a moment before lifting his hand to knock. He'd been his calm, cool, debonair self while getting ready this evening, on the drive there, and on his journey to where he stood, but as soon as his hand made contact with the dark brown wood, his nerves decided to dance on every part of his brain. What if she didn't have a good time? What if the woman he loved all these years decided it wasn't going to work out? He lifted a hand to his queasy stomach and resisted the urge to hurl in the potted plant by the door, giving it a new and disgusting type of fertilization.

Roy Mustang, the playboy of East City, the Casanova of Central, felt like a young man going on his first date. He'd probably been on more dates than any man in Amestris. He charmed dozens upon dozens of beautiful women and had many propositions for marriages of alliances into wealthy families, yet never got nervous or excited. When it came to Riza Hawkeye, everything felt so exhilarating.

He took a deep breath and knocked again. When he heard her voice saying she would be there in a moment, he relaxed. He adjusted his collar and stood as straight as he could without looking too tense or unnatural and exhaled when he heard heels coming toward the door and Hayate barking. This was Riza. She was the person he'd known since they were children. There was no reason to be nervous.

The locked clicked and the door opened.

Nope, no reason to be nervous at—He stiffened his knees when he saw the stunning sight at the door.

You were wrong Roy-boy! His mind screamed as he took in her appearance. He scrambled for something proper to say as his mind processed the way her body filled out the blue dress clinging to her curves.

And what nice curves they are. Don't remember seeing those as a kid or in those uniforms.

Every man in that restaurant would be jealous of him in some way, and if they weren't they were blind.

He looked into her eyes and saw amusement sitting there. He smiled at her with every bit of sincerity in his heart and spoke with the same earnestness, "You look beautiful." It was the go-to line used most of the time right before a date. It was corny, cliché, but it never meant so much to him.

He handed her the flowers in his hands and she took them. "Thank you," she said, her cheeks flushing with a light pink. "Would you like to come in, sir? I can put these in water and then we can go."

She moved out of the way and let him enter the apartment. He heard the door shut behind him and turned to her. "Call me Roy, Riza," he said.

Riza nodded. "Sorry, calling you sir has become a habit. I'll be back in a minute."

He kept his eyes on the sway of her hips as she walked into the kitchen. She's not wearing a mini dress, but damn it's satisfying to look at.

Roy looked down the hall when he thought he saw something moving and spotted Hayate sitting there staring at him. Roy bent and called him. The canine rushed to him with his tail wagging and tongue hanging from his mouth. As Roy scratched his jaw, he said, "I'm taking your mommy out for dinner Hayate. I'll take care of her."

Hayate barked and scampered into the living room as Riza emerged from the kitchen, carrying a vase full of the flowers he gave her. She sat it down on the table and turned to him.

He walked up to her and hesitated before reaching up and cupping her face with his hands. "I finally get to take you out properly."

She took hold of his right wrist. "Properly? You've never taken me out."

Roy moved arms around her waist and rested his hands on her lower back. "Sure I have. I've bought you lunch."

"You call that out?"

Roy laughed. "No, I suppose not." He lowered his lips to brush hers.

Riza smiled softly at him when he pulled away. "I thought a kiss came at the end of a date."

"I like to switch things up."

She smiled at him and motioned to the clock. "We should get going." Roy glanced over at it and sighed. He wanted to dawdle a bit more with her, but if they didn't start for the restaurant soon they would be late for their reservations.

Roy helped her with her coat, and they left her apartment. After locking the door, he reached down, took her hand, and intertwined his fingers through hers. She looked down at the grasp, then back up at him, and smiled. She was the only one he'd ever held hands with. His other dates leaned on him as if they couldn't walk correctly without doing so, but Riza walked with a confident, admirable stride and was more than capable of taking care of herself.

On the car ride to the restaurant, they spoke of various topics, seamlessly moving from one subject to the next. They spoke when the other was finished and paused when they sensed the other was about to speak. It was a skill perfected at work, and it carried over to their personal lives. They grew to know each expression, each vocal pitch, each small gesture made, and what they meant. They also knew they were in love with each other; they'd never need words to express that, though they would eventually speak their words aloud anyway.

-/-/-

They entered the restaurant and after a short chat with the host, they were seated at a table situated next to a large window. The entire dining area was surrounding by enormous tinted windows with silver frames. Outside, in the valley below them, a view of the cityscape twinkled and sparkled in the darkening evening.

"Gorgeous," she said.

Roy gazed at the view for a moment before looking at her. True, the view of the city was stunning but the view of her across from him far outshined anything outside the restaurant. "I remembered that you complimented this place during Maes and Gracia's wedding reception, so I wanted to bring you here when I finally could."

Riza looked at him. "Did your other dates like it too?" Her tone came out inquisitive rather than bitter. If it'd had been any other woman, it would've been more hostile.

"I never brought them here," he said and placed his palm over her hand. "It would feel wrong. I think of this as our place, and you're the only one I'll ever bring here."

Before she could reply, a waiter came to the table and asked for their order. Roy turned his gaze from the waiter to Riza. "Do you remember what it was we had at Maes and Gracia's wedding?"

"It was something with shrimp and goat cheese," Riza said.

"Shrimp goat cheese salad on romaine," the waiter supplied.

"Yes, that was it. We had that and the grilled salmon," Roy said.

"That's right," Riza said.

Roy nodded. "I'll have that."

"And for your wife?" he asked, not directing his gaze at Riza. Riza sighed at not being addressed, but knew it was the way things were. It would change someday.

"My wife can answer for herself," Roy said, deciding to let the waiter think she was his wife. Riza looked at the waiter, who didn't appear pleased. "I'll have the same," she said.

"Very well. And to drink?" he said and turned back to Roy. "I recommend the red wine."

"As I remember, my wife here doesn't like red wine. We will have the white 1840 Amestrdaini."

"Very good, sir," he said and walked off.

"Wife?"

"Having you as a wife is a pleasing thought."

Riza laughed aloud, earning a glare from a man at a nearby table." I never thought I'd hear Roy Mustang say he thought having a wife was a pleasing thought."

"I didn't say a wife," he said. "I said you as my wife."

Riza looked down at the table, her cheeks turning a deeper red than the burgundy tablecloth on the table. "I never thought I'd see Riza Hawkeye blush so much," he said with a chuckle.

She looked out the window and didn't respond to him.

"Did I offend you?" he asked, worried he might have hurt her feelings in some way.

"No. You've known me long enough to know that I don't get offended easily. I just wish people would stop assuming that I don't have any emotions. I do blush, laugh, and cry. I'm not a robot."

"I know that."

"And you looked shocked when you saw me dressed up. I can also dress pretty, sexy, any way that I want."

"I see," he said. "I didn't mean the blush comment to imply what you took it as. And as for your looks, I was shocked because all these years all I've seen you in is shapeless uniforms and long skirts. It never occurred to me that—"

"Roy, it's okay. I overreacted. I didn't mean to rant at you."

"I really did mean the wife comment. I'd like to settle down with you someday. Have a family maybe."

She leaned forward and gave him a brief kiss. "I'd like that too."

The waiter soon delivered their food. The meal was just as delicious as it was at Maes and Gracia's wedding, and the chocolate cake they had for dessert made both officers feel as if they'd gained a pound eating it.

After dinner, Roy asked for the check and the two left the restaurant. They walked out to the car and as Roy was helping Riza into it, he burped. "Excuse me," he said. "That wine must have gotten to me. It was something else indeed."

"Yeah, I've got a slight headache, and I'm not a lightweight when it comes to drinking."

"So, I should take you to a bar next time. Test your limits?"

"Maybe at home," she said. "Don't want to get caught being intoxicated in public."

He grinned. "It's a date." He shut her car door and went over to the driver's side. He got in and started the motor. As they headed back toward the city, Roy looked at her from the corner of his eyes. "How much do you want to go to the theatre?" he asked.

She looked at him. "You want to end the date now?"

"Not at all. I was thinking you could come back to my place. I have a nice cozy sofa and a fireplace that is much more gratifying than what's playing at the theatre right now."

Roy stopped at a light and turned his head toward her. She grinned. "Are you going to try to seduce me?" He heard her struggled to suppress a laugh.

He shrugged and turned back to focus on the light. "Probably." So much for that idea. He wasn't necessarily going to try for sex but—"

"Your place it is."

He didn't realize he froze until numerous cars honked behind him. He passed through the green light and headed to his place. Roy smiled, looking forward to the upcoming events, no matter how innocent or sexual they were.

His smile soon faded as his stomach gurgled and he felt an indication of flatulence developing. He knew it was only a matter of time before the rancid air passed through his anal passage and seeped into the limited fresh air that the inside of the vehicle offered.

"Oh shit," Roy muttered, lowly, causing Riza to look at him.

"Why'd you say that?"

The car hit a pothole and his shit comment came true. How in the hell was he supposed to get out of the car when he'd shit himself? It would be hard to explain that he didn't willingly shit himself. Really, what kind of sickos would ever shit themselves willingly? Everyone had accidents right? It wasn't as if he said, "Hey Riza, watch this! When I hit this pothole I am going to defecate!"

"Crap," Riza said.

Roy's eyes widened when he heard her say the word that could also mean shit, poop, or any other form of the word for solid body excretion. "Crap? What does crap have to do with anything?"

Riza motioned her head forward and Roy noticed the traffic was jammed. He slowed down as he entered the city and stopped behind the line of cars.

Roy groaned. "I don't want to sit in this shit all night," he said, meaning both the traffic and his bodily waste.

"It shouldn't take long. These things tend to slowly drift out," she said. She then leaned back and placed one hand to her head and the other on her stomach.

I wish the slowly drifting out statement applied to my ass right now.

"Roy, would you mind driving me home instead? I'm starting to feel really sick," she said. "I don't think I would be very good company."

Roy turned to her and nodded. "Of course," he said, momentarily forgetting he had egested shit.

How in the hell does one forget that!

He brushed off his self-scolding and realized if he sat there too long, his shit would leak through his trousers and onto the coat. His coat was the last way to hide the shit when he got out of the car. "Damn, I'm even starting to smell shit," Riza said.

"What!" Roy exclaimed, as the traffic started to move. He was very on edge about the shitty circumstances. "Yeah, bagels, and cream cheese oddly enough. It's coming from the café over there. I hate the smell."

Roy looked over at her side. Her window was rolled down and, sure enough, there was an all night café there. He made a note never to say he hated bagels and cream cheese again and to purchase from that cafe in the future.

He turned the corner when traffic returned to its normal pace, and made his way to Riza's apartment building. On the way there, she'd gotten pale and kept her body leaned toward the open window. He'd rolled down his window as well. Since he was in nearest proximity to the field of the ass eruption and couldn't smell it, reason stood that she wouldn't be able to.

She pulled her coat closer to her body and opened the car door. She smiled at him. "You don't have to walk me to my place, Roy. I'm . . . I'm sorry I got sick. I ruined our date.

No, my unexpected colorectal deposit ruined the date and probably my pants, coat and car seat.

"It's all right, you didn't ruin a thing. Shit happens after all," he said in a light tone but inwardly cringed at his word usage.

Riza kissed his cheek and got out of the car. "See you at work tomorrow." She shut the door and he watched as she went into the building, stumbling a bit on the way inside.

He took a second to mourn the loss of a potential make out/sex session before focusing on more urgent matters. He pressed the gas pedal and sped away from the apartment building, heading toward his own house as fast as speed laws would allow.

When he got home, he rushed toward his door and fumbled with his keys before finally getting the proper one into the lock. He pushed open the door and headed straight to his bathroom, tossing off the coat and unbuckling his pants as he made a run for it.

-/-/-

Roy groaned and sat up in bed when his alarm clock went off. After turning off the alarm, he grabbed his stomach as a sharp jolt shot through it and a familiar gurgling said good morning. His problems from the date last night had carried over to this morning. All night he'd run a slight fever, gained a hell of a headache, and emitted waste from his stomach via his throat and his ass. He'd been up all night, resulting in a full toilet and very little sleep.

He picked up the phone and called the office. He frowned when Havoc answered.

"Havoc, it's Mustang," Roy said then groaned as his stomach tightened. "I'm not feeling well. Please tell Hawkeye I won't be coming in today."

"Chief, Hawkeye called in sick too," he said.

Roy knew she hadn't felt well but it must have been horrible if she of all people called in sick.

"Take care of things, Havoc," Roy said and hung up the phone without considering he didn't let Havoc speak anything else. Not even a goodbye.

He stood and dressed in one of the old sweat suits he wore in academy. He waited for an indication of potential excretion when the familiar feeling came over him. When he felt none come forth, he reached for a book on his bookcase. A medical book. If he and Riza had what he thought it was, they wouldn't be returning to work for the next few days.

The index provided the page numbers to the topic he wanted and he flipped to that section. The words on the page confirmed his suspicions. He slapped the book down on the table and grabbed his wallet. When he moved to the door, his body decided to delay his trip. He turned on his heel and sped to the bathroom to throw up.

After his date with the toilet, he took his car keys and left this home. He stopped at the grocery store and hurriedly picked up some essentials for their condition.

-/-/-

A few minutes after he knocked on the door to Riza's apartment, it cracked open an inch. She peered out of the edge before opening it fully. Like him, she wore her old academy sweats. Her hair was pinned on top of her head, some of it falling loose where it was pulled back, and her skin was pale with dark circles under her eyes."

"What are you doing here? You should be at the office."

"I called in."

Once inside the apartment and the door secured, he went into the kitchen. He sat the two bags he held on the table. "I brought some saltine crackers, mint tea, and unsweetened apple juice," he said.

Riza walked over to him and hugged him tightly, burying her face in the warmth of his sweatshirt. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed in the scent of her hair. "We got food poisoning."

"No shit," she muttered and looked up at him, resting her chin on his chest.

"I wish," he replied.

RW:2016