A/N: I just can't stop writing things about these two. It's actually TWO prompt from Mass Effect Kink Meme. Since I can't post links here, I'll just tell you what's about. One is about Renegade!Shepard having a soft spot for Kaidan and the other is EC!Spoiler about a post-destroy ending reunion. I know, it's spoiler for my story, but since it's set in ME3, it doesn't really matter.

Enjoy

Why I am alive

01.

Shepard is falling. Through space and time and endless darkness. He has no prove if he's really falling or not; he doesn't know if he's lying face down on the floor or if he's being pressed against the ceiling.

Caught between tubes and glass, his skin is burning and his soul is screaming.

Eventually, he lands. The earth trembles and the impact rattles every single bone in his body. Something heavy and solid falls down and buries him alive. He can't breathe properly and he can't move.

He knows that he was losing blood and the end of his life was near. He knows that he has completed his journey and beaten his enemies. He knows that now is the moment to say goodbye. To pray for salvation. To look back at his life and make peace with his regrets.

But in this moments, Shepard wants to do something entirely else….

Thirteen months ago

"You can't just let them go!" the colonist cried. "Half the colony is in there! They have everyone! Lilith!"

"I did my best!" Shepard justified half-heartedly. In truth he had enough of this colony about ten minutes ago. Though he was answering to this cowardly colonist, his eyes were fixed on a thermal clip on the ground. His soldier instinct told him to put the yelling man on hold and retrieve the precious supply. No reason to waste good ammo. "There's nothing more I can do. But you? You just hid in your bunker!"

"But…." The colonist started again.

"If it wasn't for Shepard," Miranda stepped in. "You'll all be in that ship!"

Thanks, Miranda! Shepard thought.

"Shepard!" The colonist repeated. Yeah, that's me! "I know that name! You're some sort of Alliance Hero!"

Shepard crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. It satisfied him to hear awe and fear in that colonist's voice and a small smirk appeared on his face.

"Commander Shepard." Suddenly, a painfully missed voice sounded from somewhere.

From behind a wall emerged a figure which looked so gorgeous Shepard felt his chin drop. Dressed in his awesome looking new armour and with an almost casual walk, Kaidan came closer. Shepard saw his lips move but didn't understand what he said. He couldn't make sense on his words but only listened to the smoothness of his voice.

"… Saviour of the Citadel." Kaidan finished and turned to face to colonist. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

"All the good people we lost," the colonist snorted. "And you get left behind! Figures!"

Though Shepard wasn't paying any attention to what that pathetic colonist said, he didn't like the tone. He didn't know that Kaidan and this Delan knew each other; then he suddenly remembered that the colonists here weren't found of the Alliance. And he certainly wasn't found of this colonist.

"Hey!" he yelled at the man. "Don't you talk about Kaidan like this! He just saved your sorry ass! If I were you, I'd show some respect!"

The colonist blinked for a few times. "Screw this! I'm done with you Alliance types!"

Shepard wasn't complaining that the colonist was gone. His eyes were all over Kaidan. When did he start to wear medium armour? Never mind, Kaidan looked great in it and Shepard felt his loins twitch. Though it might have been two years for Kaidan, in Shepard's head, he just sent Kaidan to the escape pots a couple of weeks ago.

And then, Kaidan was right in front of him. The sight of his lover almost sent him spinning. He saw the hurt in Kaidan's eyes and for a few seconds, they just stood there and watched each other.

Stunned, Shepard just gazed at Kaidan coming closer and closer and before Shepard knew it, he found himself in Kaidan's warm embrace again. The feeling of the soldier's body against his was overwhelming and Shepard closed his arms tightly around the Staff Lieutenant, no, Staff Commander.

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko. Shepard felt pride rising in his chest as he repeated those words in his mind. He always knew that Kaidan was made for command. Hugging his boyfriend, rubbing his cheek on Kaidan's shoulder-plate, Shepard grinned at the shining career of the biotic. Maybe if he wasn't careful, Kaidan might outrank him one day.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard." Kaidan said into his shoulder. "We all did."

"Mhm… Kaidan…." Shepard moaned. His hands were already at the small of Kaidan's back. He traced the curve just above that amazing ass and Shepard breathed in deeply to smell Kaidan's scent.

"Mhm… Kaidan…." He moaned again. Overpowered by the sensation of Kaidan in his arms, Shepard forgot about the world around him. He moved his face away from Kaidan's shoulder and his lips found Kaidan's. The Staff Commander didn't respond but he didn't reject either.

Eventually, when Shepard couldn't accept the fact that Kaidan might not love him anymore; he stepped back, gazing at Kaidan with anger.

"What? Not even a proper kiss for your old CO? Something's bothering you?"

"Yeah, something's bothering me!" That voice! Shepard always loved it when Kaidan got upset. His usually soft voice would get more edge and that sent Shepard over the edge. Again, he missed what Kaidan actually said. Kicking himself mentally, Shepard moved his gaze away from Kaidan's sensuous moving lips and eyebrows.

"I spent the last two years believing you're dead! I thought we had something! Something real! I loved you! Thinking you are dead torn me apart! How could you put me through this? Why didn't you try to contact me?"

Kaidan talked too much. Shepard had lost track somewhere between I loved you and contact me. In his mind, he was already one step further, which included dragging Kaidan to one of those crates where he could knee before the man and give his long overdue blow-job. He really wanted to hear Kaidan moan his name again and feel how Kaidan pressed his head to his cock.

"Shepard!" Kaidan's voice dragged him out of his daydream. "What are you doing?"

Realizing that he was licking his lips at the previous thought, Shepard shook his head hard. "I was dead, Kaidan. It took Cerberus two years to bring me back."

"You are with Cerberus now…." Kaidan stepped away from him. Shepard wished he hadn't mentioned Cerberus, because the glare Kaidan gave him was pure ice. The Staff Commander started to say something again and Shepard's mind was torn between pieces of what Kaidan said and what he saw. He understood something about the colony got hit and Anderson. But mostly, he just dwelled on the sound of that voice and watched Kaidan, who ked so good in his new armour. The blinking light on the black surface highlighted his dark hair and the way Kaidan's brows moved while he talked reminded Shepard of the one night before Ilos, where he almost lost his mind in Kaidan's arms.

"… you betrayed me!" Kaidan finished.

"What? I didn't!" Shepard blurted out, trying hard to cover the drift of his attention.

"You've changed, Shepard!" Kaidan accused. "But I still know where my loyalty lies."

"With me?" Shepard joked. "As it should be?"

"I am an Alliance Soldier!" Kaidan lowered his head to give Shepard a fierce look. "Always will be! I have to…."

"Hey, where are you going?" Shepard extends one hand and caught Kaidan's waist. What the hell was going on with Kaidan? Why was he so cold? "Come with me!"

This time he did drag Kaidan to the crates. He pushed Kaidan down on the lowest box and knelt on his heels before his lover. He took Kaidan's hands in his and glanced at the man he loved.

"Miranda," Garrus said from somewhere behind him. "Let's go and see if we can find a secure landing zone for the shuttle."

She responded something Shepard didn't understand and then he heard Garrus dragging her along. He'd thank him later. For now, his entire focus was on Kaidan.

"They didn't change me, Kaidan," he said sincerely. "I'm still me."

"Shepard," Kaidan moved his hands away. "Don't open my wounds."

"Join me, Kaidan. I could use your help with this fight."

"I will never work of Cerberus."

"You'll not, you'll work for me." Shepard moved closer and his fingers slowly wandered to Kaidan's belt buckle. "I missed you."

"No, please," Kaidan whispered. "This is bigger than just us."

"Dammit! Just let me give you a blow-job already! Don't say you don't want it!"

"It's been two years, John."

"For me, it was merely a few weeks!"

Cornered by Shepard and the crates, Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. Shepard watched him sigh heavily and then Kaidan slowly pushed him away.

"I can't," Kaidan said eventually. "I want to believe you; but I don't trust Cerberus. I have to report back."

Then, he stood up and walked away, leaving Shepard kneeling on the floor. In that moment, Shepard didn't feel anything. All he could think about was how awesome Kaidan's ass looked like in this armour. The way he walked and the gentle movements while he set one foot after the other were so intriguing; Shepard tiled his head and just stared.

When he noticed that Kaidan wasn't looking back, he called after his love. "Don't leave, Kaidan. I need you in this."

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan hesitated and finally turned to face him again. No doubt Kaidan was hurting, too, but Shepard just couldn't wrap his head around how much Kaidan must have changed to just turn his back on him. Why couldn't he see the real threat? To be honest, Shepard knew that he couldn't have defeated Saren without Kaidan's help. So how was he supposed to beat the collectors if Kaidan's wasn't at his side?

"Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful." were Kaidan last words.

In that voice, Shepard heard the tone of finality and for the first time in his life, he understood why his buddies back on earth told him not to fall in love. The sting he felt was worse than any injury in his life. He felt his lungs collapse and his vision blur. Gasping for air, Shepard found himself unable to move. Not until even the scent Kaidan had left here vanished, he realized that Kaidan had some kind of abandoned him.

Cursing, raging, and hurting, Shepard slammed his fist into the crate beside him and watched how they flew through the air. He drew his pistol and released all his anger by blasting those boxes into shreds.

Eventually, after the whole place wasn't recognizable any more, he decided to find Garrus and Miranda. One day, when the collectors are dead, he would make Cerberus pay for separating them.

Hope you liked it.

I used many things that bugged me during that scene. Like that DAMN thermal clip on on the ground. During the whole scene I want to collect it! And that Kaidan was very distracting, his new style is awesome^^ (I had to reload the mission to know what exactly he said because I was too distracted to pay any attention.^^)

Let me know what you think^^

HeavenOnFire