Title: Unwanted
Author: Etsuki-chan
Summary: Harry's hurting…no one would ever love him for just being him. All anyone would ever see was a savior. Can't Sirius understand that? Rated for suicide…dark fic. One shot, song fic to Kill Hannah's song 'Unwanted'
Warnings: Suicide…very dark.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the characters…if I did, trust me, Sirius would not have died. :( Oh, and I don't own Kill Hannah's amazing song, 'Unwanted'
A/N: I have no idea where this came from…I've just been in a dark mood lately. So, here ya go.
Unwanted
Harry sat, his back to the castle, watching as the rain pelted against the lake. It was often on a stormy night he would come to this very spot and think. Just place himself against the cold stone walls, and watch the rain fall within his reach…and know that if he really wanted to, he could simply lay his hand in front of him and cup the falling water within his palm. He loved the feeling of it…the feeling of being in control, even the slightest bit. It gave him such a sense of belonging…a sense he didn't find anywhere else. If, truly, he belonged anywhere else.
But, this night, this rain, was different. This time, Harry wondered is perhaps he should allow himself passage into such a world. This world, of endless down poring swirls of water, a world where there was no one and nothing to hurt him. His hand throbbed; red words glaring up at him, screaming of lies he knew quite well were nothing more then un-believed truths. Pain, every part of him hurt, and his lessons with Snape…well, more so the lack-there-of, was beginning to grate on him. He knew the importance of them…but what he had seen, what his father had done…it must have been a mistake. There must have been some reason…?
The world seemed to come crashing upon him. Voldemort, Umbridge, Snape, the whole Wizarding world thinking him crazy…Cedric…his parents...everything all culminating to sink down in the pit of his stomach like a hard black ball off despair. He felt so alone sometimes…so incredibly out of his mind with sadness, that on times like these he pondered what it would take to allow himself to slip into the rain and never return. He could fall into the lake, perhaps, and simply slip beneath the surface…it would appear a tragic accident. No one would have to know how much of a coward he had become…how incredibly weak he had allowed himself to be.
But, then again, what did it matter? No one cared anyway…they all had an agenda at being near him. Every single one of them had nothing in their hearts to give…they didn't want him…and they sure as hell didn't love him.
I dedicate this song
To the boys who don't belong
To the girls who get it wrong
I'm dedicating this
To the ones who don't exist
Are you hearing this?
Are you hearing this?
"Harry? What are you doing out here?"
Harry turned his quiet gaze away from the dripping sky to face his Godfather. Sirius wasn't supposed to be here…it was dangerous.
"Sirius…" He began, a slight note or warning playing about his voice.
"I know," Sirius laughed, squatting down to look his Godson in the eye, "But Dumbledore was worried about you…besides, no one in their right mind would be out on a night like this…except for you, of course."
"Of course," Harry mumbled turning once again to stare longingly into the night.
"What's the matter, Harry? You've been so distant lately…" Sirius frowned heavily as he leaned against the wall and folded his arms across his chest.
"Nothing," Harry responded slowly, "I just…"
"You just what?" Sirius prodded gently.
"I…don't know." Sighing deeply, Harry turned to look up at his Godfather in distress, "I feel alone sometimes. I feel…empty. And it gets so bad…it hurts so much that I just feel like slipping away. And not ever returning."
Unwanted, unneeded
You've always been mistreated
Hang on!
(Don't do what they say to)
Unwanted
And been for so long
Say, "Hey, Mom!
I'm never coming home again"
"Harry…"
"You don't understand," Harry continued, ignoring the interruption, "You could never possibly understand how horrible it feels. No one wants me, Sirius, no one wants Harry! Just Harry! They want The-Boy-Who-Lived, the Savior, the one who defeated The Dark Lord…and I'm not that person!"
"Of course you are-"
"No!" Harry cried, jumping to his feet, "I'm not! And…and I don't want to be! I don't want to be everyone's hero…I just…I want someone to love…and…someone to love me…"
"Oh Harry," Sirius whispered, his voice rough with emotion, "People do love you. I love you…your friends, they-"
"Some friends," Harry choked out, "They don't even know I'm here. They never know…and I'm down here more often then I'm not. I just…I wish it wasn't me."
Sirius was silent for a long time. Then, softly, he spoke. "What do you want to do, Harry? Just tell me…name it, and I'll do whatever I can…whatever I can, to help."
Harry turned slowly to look at the grounds before him. "I want to sleep…sleep, and have no nightmares. Sleep, and have the only thing on my mind be the homework I have yet to finish. I…want to leave. And never come back."
Harry turned to look upon his silent Godfather. "Will you help me then? Now that you know what I want…will you help me?"
I dedicate this song
To my boys who are strong
They just don't go along
I'm dedicating this
To the girls who don't fit in
From the orphanage
Now here this!
"I…Harry…" Sirius began.
"I knew you wouldn't!" Harry snapped turning away, "Because no one really would! They don't care…I'm just a weapon to everyone. That's all I'll ever be."
"Harry…don't you think you're being a bit selfish?" Sirius asked hesitantly.
"Selfish?" Harry laughed, "Maybe. Yeah…actually I probably am. But I don't care. I think I deserve to be a little selfish. I've done so much…seen so much…I'm just tired. And if anyone else had to go through even a fraction of what I've been through…no one would dare call them selfish, now would they? No…because I'm different. Right? I'm just so special, so incredibly wonderful, that I don't feel those things. I don't get lonely or sad…or bitter."
"I'm sorry, Harry…" Sirius said regretfully, "I shouldn't have said that…you have every right to feel that way. And…if that is really what you want, you're my Godson first and foremost, and I'll do everything within my power to help you."
"Thank you…" Harry whispered, watching hi Godfather's face in the darkness, "It is what I want. But…just for one night. Just for tonight…"
"What do you mean?" Sirius looked inquisitively up at the figure of his Godson.
"I'm going to be weak, Sirius. I'm exhausted…and tonight, I'm going to sleep. Everyone says I need to be strong, but I don't think that's true. I think I need to be weak, if I ever want to gain the strength to defeat him."
"What will that take, Harry?" Sirius pushed himself up to stand beside Harry, "What will it take to gain that…weakness?"
"Death," Harry said simply, "He's never died before, you know. But after this night…I will have."
Unwanted, unneeded
We've always been frustrated
Hang on!
(Don't do what they say to)
Unwanted and been forever
Said, "Hey Mom!
We're never going home again!"
"Are you sure?" Sirius whispered as they walked side by side towards the lake, ignoring the pounding of the unforgiving wind.
"No," Harry said matter-of-factly, "But, it's my only option. I need out, and this way, I gain the upper hand in the war."
"You know it's not that simple…" Sirius said placing his arm around his Godson's shoulder.
"I know…but, it makes it easier if I think of it that way." Harry said shrugging as he made to sit down beside the water.
Sirius, doing the same, stretched out across the sopping ground and turned to glare into the depths of the black waters. "It doesn't look peaceful, Harry. Not like how you were describing."
"It is though," Harry insisted, "It's like me. I'm not quite what I appear…but both the lake and I are exactly what the other needs. Sleep…and comfort."
"I wish it could be different," Sirius wiped desperately as his face in a vain attempt to hide his tears.
"I don't want you to be sad…" Harry embraced the man before him, clinging on for dear life, "Please don't be sad. I need this."
"I know," He whispered, gabbing his Godson and holding him close for several long moments, "Just…be happy. I love you so much…I really do, Harry."
"I love you too, Sirius," Harry whispered, tears tracking there way down his face. "I'll miss you."
"Me too, kid." Sirius said hoarsely as he let the younger man slip out of his grasp and into the waters below.
"Sirius! Sirius!"
"Wh-what?!" Sirius awoke with a start sitting up in bed.
"You…you were crying in your sleep. You kept calling out for Harry." Remus whispered sadly stroking his friend's hair.
"Oh…" Sirius whispered turning away to face the wall.
"It's odd, isn't it?" Remus murmured still petting his friend's hair. "Right after that night…right after he disappeared, The Dark Lord was defeated. And no one knows how or why...he just…died."
"I know why," Sirius turned to look into the werewolf's eyes.
"Oh?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow in question.
"It's because Harry had the upper hand…he had done one thing the Dark Lord never had…"
"And that is…?" Remus asked curiously.
Sirius turned to stare out into the stormy night, his mind drifting to a similar night two years before.
"He had never died before."
I dedicate this song to the ones who don't belong...
Unwanted
To the ones who don't belong...
I know who you are
We're Unwanted
Hang on!
We're never going home again
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
A/N: So, how was it? Be gentle now…this is my first attempt at a Harry Potter fic. Just let me know!