DISCLAIMER: The following is (kinda) a fan-based parody. Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Please support the official release.
RING, RING, RING!
The number one knuckle headed ninja slammed his fist on the orange alarm clock on his bedside table with enough chakra to cut the whole village in half. 'Urrrgh,' he groaned, wiping his eyes tiredly and squinting through the light of his window. His curtains flapped by the wind and a small bit of breeze came through the room.
The blue birds chirped outside and it was a cloudless day. A bright, blue sky. As bright as his blue eyes. It was a great day to be Naruto Uzumaki, the hero of the village and someday to be hokage.
Naruto stretched and stood from his bed; stifling a yawn loud enough for the whole of Konoha to hear.
'Oh, shit!' He sprinted out the door. 'I'm gonna be late! Crap! Crap! Crap!'
Naruto tossed his sleeping cap aside and unbuttoned his striped pajamas and threw it onto the floor in a messy pile for one of his trademark orange ninja jacket and pants. Stepping over the mess of trashed ramen cups, he tied on his leaf forehead protector tightly with a triumphant smirk. As he dashed over to his stove top, he hurriedly warmed up a pot of hot boiling water and waited impatiently. Only his makeshift watch was a constant reminder of how much time he had left. 'C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!' He thought impatiently, seeing the seconds tick by. As soon as it was ready, he practically dumped the ramen contents into the pots and stirred it until the noodles were wet. Naruto hungrily slurped the noodles into his mouth and hummed.
"Today's the day!" He says to himself with a mouthful of ramen, slipping his sandals on as he shoves expired noodles into his mouth. He tossed the ramen cup aside carelessly and hurried out the door.
Outside on his balcony, he hops roof to roof to Team Seven's usual meeting place by the bridge. He waves to them happily, but they say nothing. Not a 'hello!' not even a 'good morning'! Talk about a let down.
'Sasuke Uchiha. He's... a good guy, I guess. But I don't know why he gets all mean and angry every time I even, like, talk to him. Sure, he's pretty...but he's kinda weird.'
'Sakura Haruno. She's so hot! But she's got the hots for that emo guy over there. Seriously, she's all like 'Sasuke! Sasuke!'. What's so good about that guy? He's got emotional problems or something I don't know. And Bushy Brows said he loved her or something. Grr...I have way too many rivals! Too much competition!'
He stepped closer to them, making himself as tall as he can be. Though, with his small stature, that wasn't saying much. It was then that Sasuke's eyes glanced at him and then looked away as quickly as it had come. He was leaning coolly against the bridge railing, acting all cool and whatnot. Naruto hated that about him. As if he ruled the whole stinkin' world.
There was a faint red on his cheeks. What now? Was he angry at him or something?
Naruto groaned. Why was he always mad at him? Why did he always call him a deadlast? Why did he always call him a dumbass?
'Huh...? What the - What the heck was that all about?' He grumbled to himself, 'Wonder why he's so red... I didn't so much as even look at him and he's all red-faced! What the hell?'
"Hey, why's your face all red?" Naruto poked his forehead. Now Sasuke was completely red faced. "Loser! Leave me alone!" Sasuke said haughtily.
"Sasuke-kun! C'mon, snap out of it!" Sakura came by his side. 'CHA! Maybe he's mad at Naruto and he is being shy because he loves me! Hell yeah!' Inner Sakura blushed.
"Huh? Sakura-chan?" Naruto glanced at Sakura who was blushing head to toe.
'She's - She's blushing. At me! Oh gee...what do I do? Agh, this is so sudden! I never knew she liked me that much!...I - I thought she liked Sasuke more.'
He turned to Sasuke who was still looking as red as a tomato.
"Hey. What's wrong?" Naruto shook him slightly.
"I'm fine...It is nothing to get all worked up about. It doesn't matter." Sasuke talked to his feet.
"Really? You OK? Lemme see!" Naruto poked his forehead again. "You feel feverish. And you're all red an' stuff. You sure you're alright?"
"Bah! You bastard! I told you I'm fine! It's none of your concern. Stop worrying about me already!" Sasuke shot back stubbornly. He hated looking like a weakling. He wasn't weak!
'That's Sasuke. Weird as always.'
"You sure? Okay, then. Take it easy, I guess." Naruto scratched his chin. 'Huh. Why do I get the weird feeling he is lying to me? I smell something fishy! And that fish is Sasuke!'
"Sasuke...I kinda thought you were. Uh. You were, uh, kinda strange." Naruto said sheepishly.
'What?' Sasuke glared at him hotly.
"Gloomy, mean, a cocky bastard, an arrogant asshole, a privileged prick, look like a girl, and basically completely weird." He chuckled.
"Compared to me, you are the rookie of the year. The top of the school. But me? I am a dropout and at the bottom of the ranks. I am a social outcast. But you know what? I kinda like people like you."
'The deadlast...likes me? What the hell?' Sasuke blinked. He was speechless. He couldn't believe it. 'Naruto likes me?!'
"So, what's wrong with you? You're normally not so careless." Naruto asked. He wasn't sure whether Sasuke was sick or was mad at him.
"Narutoooo! Stop being so mean to Sasuke-kun!" Sakura whined. Naruto snapped out of his thoughts and held his head.
'Hold on, what am I doing? This is Sasuke we're talking about! That does it! What is Sakura-chan gonna think? On one hand, she will like me more because I'm being nice to Sasuke. But on the other hand, she will see me as a rival. I guess? I suppose that makes sense.' Naruto thought to himself. 'Because my first kiss was a guy...' Now Naruto blushed. 'But it was an accident! It's weird, but...but - but...seeing Sasuke like this isn't like him. It isn't like Sasuke to look like this. This could be a bad case of the flu...' Naruto shook his head from the worrying thoughts.'Ohhh, man. What am I thinking? Sasuke? Making me worry? Please! This hasta be some kind of trick! I bet he's planning something bad...' He glared at the red Uchiha.
"Naruto! Be nice to Sasuke-kun!" Naruto shook his head and stared at Sakura. 'Wha - what was that? I was so distracted I didn't even notice her.'
"Hehe. Sorry. I will. I promise!" He thought back to his thoughts and cringed. 'Anyway, I'm so screwed! Me? Nice to Sasuke? No way!'
"Sorry. Sorry. What was that? I spaced out?" He asked them.
"What a loser..." Sasuke said, crossing his arms and closing his eyes. "HEY!"
Sakura sighed. "Whatever...so, Sasuke-kun..." Naruto's eyes stared at his crush, who was standing a few inches away from him. He smirked. And there Sakura Haruno was, trying to seduce Sasuke-kun. Of course, the pretty boy said no and just practiced playing with his kunai idly as they wait for Kakashi-sensei. Naruto waved at them and shouted a loud, "HEY!" hoping they'd said 'hello!' back.
Sakura saw Naruto, and she hit him on the head. She crossed her arms over her flat as a billboard chest, and glared down at him. Seeing as she was taller than Naruto, he had to look up at her.
"Good morning!" He said happily. She sighed.
'Wait...what? Good grief. I completely forgot the baka was still standing there. Honestly, what an idiot.'
"Uhh - hey, Sakura-chan?" He asked hesitantly. Forgetting what happened a few seconds ago, Sakura
"Don't 'hey' me, idiot!" She snapped angrily. "We were waiting forever for you!"
"Wha - you were?"
'Wow...the girl of my dreams waited for me!' Naruto flushed, again now forgetting what happened a few seconds ago. 'This is my lucky day! I mean, what are the chances that there is someone who wants to wait for you off of her. Now I know why I like her so much!'
"Sorry, Sakura-chan! I didn't mean to make you wait!" He smiled sheepishly.
"Well, whatever. Naruto, you're so hopeless sometimes." She sighed. "Good god. Are you still half-asleep?"
"Hehe. I slept like a baby! Thanks for waiting for me, Sakura-chan! It makes me happy to hear you say that you waited for me."
"You idiot! I didn't wait for you! I waited for Sasuke-kun!" She said blushing. 'Good grief...Why is he so annoying? I can't believe Sasuke-kun thinks he's better than me...' She sweat dropped.
"Ohhh, I see. You wanted to see Sasuke, right? Is that what you meant?"
"What? Of course I did! I love Sasuke-kun from the bottom of my heart!" She said breathlessly.
"Hn."
She slumped her shoulders and sighed. Why did the Uchiha always 'hn' at her? Why couldn't he kiss her forehead?
"Hey! Hey! Uh, so, what's wrong, Sakura-chan? You look a little down all of a sudden." Naruto said sadly. He noticed she was depressed suddenly and hugged her. She glared at him and lectured him like a little baby.
"Shut up, Naruto! You're so annoying. Anyway, I was just asking Sasuke-kun to go somewhere special. So, what's your answer, Sasuke-kun?" The inner fangirl clasped her hands together over her heart. She had hoped since their childhood days that her Sasuke-kun would acknowledge or accept her for even just a second. He didn't.
"No."
Naruto wanted to jump him. How DARE he toss his precious person aside like they were nothing! That's exactly what Zabuza did to Haku and he couldn't forget it. Not ever.
The Nine Tails in him growled and his eyes flickered to red for just a second. But then back to blue once he saw the crestfallen Cherry Blossom's tears trickle down her face. He helped her out the best he could and comforted her.
"What did you say?!" Naruto hissed.
"I said no. I will not go out with you."
Sakura sighed.
"Hey! Hey! He'll come around one day."
She smiled slightly.
"Promise?"
"Promise! I never go back on my word!" Naruto grinned and gave her a thumbs-up.
He patted her on the back, but Sakura slapped his hand away with a glare. "Don't touch me, you idiot!" Trying not to look hurt that his crush flat out hurt him, he smiled slightly through the pain. Why couldn't she just fall in love with him, for once? He was a genuinely good guy, he was gonna surpass the kage someday. He was Naruto Uzumaki! What was so cool about Sasuke, anyway? Contrary to being called a loser, Naruto thought he was lame (and looked like a girl).
The Uchiha was just some show off broody teenager for all he cared. He could care less about that guy. All the same, Sakura was still head over heels for the guy even if he was a prick. The blonde sighed to himself, looking away with a downcast expression.
Ever since he left the Land of Waves, he felt like his whole world break. He was tired of being a crybaby. He was tired of crying.
He was tired of someone saving him. He wanted to protect his precious people, his friends and family. He wanted to protect his homeland and become a strong ninja that would become hokage. He wanted to become strong. He hated being weak; hated being a weakling. He hated the shinobi system, and was torn about whether to be himself or not to be. Haku was only one of the few people that truly understood him. And even then, that had all ended in violence and bloodshed.
Haku was truly a good person. He had died to protect his precious person and showed sadness when Kakashi-sensei had chidori him through the chest. Haku had said he wasn't necessary...and then there was that showdown with Gaara. He wondered why he existed? Why he was living like he wasn't needed...
One of the three shinobi vices was to never show emotion. He wasn't able to cry or smile. Naruto - He hated it. He always showed his emotions. He smiled and cried himself to sleep sometimes. But he knew he shouldn't.
What if one day he stopped smiling? Would he be a real shinobi, then? Would the villagers respect him?
Naruto smiled for the sake of Team Seven.
'I - I will try. I'm gonna show them the new me!' He promised. 'I won't cry! I won't smile anymore! From now on...my new goal is to become stronger! And if I fail, then they can bring bring my dead body! I will die a heroic death...I won't let them forget about me! I won't! I...I will be remembered. I will be respected. They won't hate me anymore...'
He smiled at the thought.
"Sakura-chan. It's OK! You really like ramen, yeah? We can go to Ichiraku's together!" He said cheerfully; hopeful for a chance to cheer her up fully. She immediately stiffened at the thought.
'SHANNARO! Damn it, Naruto! I'm doomed...Now what is Sasuke-kun going to think when he sees me eating that trash? I'm on a restricted diet...to look good for Sasuke-kun. I can't eat like Ino-pig. Or eat like a fatty!' Inner Sakura thought.
"No way, baka! I'd rather date Sasuke than you, you idiot! C'mon, Sasuke-kun? Let's go?" She tried tugging onto his arm, but Sasuke was stubborn. He stayed rooted to the spot.
He shook his head and his eyes stared at Naruto. "Hey, loser! Yeah, you. There's something I need to tell you." He said suddenly, breaking the tension in the air. "I want to fight you, too." Naruto's eyes widen comically. Sakura gasped.
"Sorry, Sasuke. I couldn't hear you over the sound of your stupidity. What did you say?" Naruto had a mock hand over his ear, as if he couldn't hear him.
The blush Sasuke had had was now long gone.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. What a loser.
"You said you wanted to fight me." Sasuke recalled. "Or did you forget? Moron."
"Oh. You sounded like a retard for a second there. Hehe. Guess I was hearing you wrong. Sorry."
"Well? Don't just stand there like a complete loser." Sasuke said. He walked towards a clearing in the Forest of Death - and stopped.
"Follow me."
"Ok, ok, ok! I'm coming! Wait up!"
Naruto walked behind Sasuke and stopped. He faced Sasuke and formed the hand seals. "Don't screw this up, loser." Sasuke breathed out a fireball.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Hot! Hot! Hot! It burns! It burns!" Naruto shouted. The fireball jutsu almost burned him to a crisp. If he hadn't moved he would've been dead meat by now.
Sasuke smirked. He was about to burn Naruto alive, but whatever. 'Ah, geez. Sasuke was trying to kill me! WHAT THE HELL?! You don't just try to set your best friend on fire, Sasuke!' Naruto still felt like he was on fire. His orange clothes scorched black from the fire and his face felt hot. "Well? Come on. Fight me." Sasuke challenged. "Or are you going to chicken out again?"
'Oh man! What! This is a total disaster! What am I gonna do? Damn it... I don't wanna fight him! Does that make me a coward?'
"Huh? Are ya kidding? Nuh-uh! There's no way I'm gonna train with the likes of you!" Naruto shouted confidently. But he wasn't confident himself. He felt like a coward. 'I can't fight you when Sakura-chan is standing right there. But I'll totally kick your ass!' He snickers. 'I don't wanna risk getting my ass kicked! He has his chidori. I don't have my Rasengan completed yet. Not fully formed, anyway. It's just... I wanna kick his ass, but he's way too strong. What do I do? What do I do? I've got no choice! I've gotta make a run for it!'
'I could try to use my Shadow Clone Jutsu...but that wastes chakra. I'm not gonna, I need to think of something fast!'
'What if I fail? What if he calls me a coward?'
'Aha! I've got it! Why didn't I think of this before?'
"Why would I fight you, anyways?" Naruto asked skeptically. "I mean, why would I want to?"
Sasuke glared at him. "Tch. Fine! Whatever!"
"Fine!"
"I don't wanna waste my time with you, dropout." The blonde crossed his arms and looked away with a frown. "Yeah, me neither." Sasuke humphed; his eyes twitched and a vein popped off of his forehead.
Sakura looked between the two and held her breath.
'SHANNARO! What the heck is wrong with them? I swear, those two bicker like an old married couple.' Inner Sakura frowns, waiting impatiently for them to finish. 'Oh, well, whatever. CHA! More for me and less for him! Sasuke-kun is totally gonna kick that baka's butt!'
"Go, Sasuke-kun!" She cheers from the sidelines, pumping a fist into the air.
"You know what? Forget it." Sasuke growled, stepping up to the blonde and glaring down at him. The blonde stood his ground, with his fists clenched.
"Bah! I suppose you're too weak to fight against me, anyway," he taunts, cockily, "you complete dead last."
"I'll kill you!" Naruto cracked his fists and slammed the back of his hand hard at Sasuke's chest. Sasuke spat out blood, and collided into a tree from the force of his brute strength.
-BADUMP BADUMP BADUMP-
Sasuke's heart beat fast in his chest, seeing his eyes transform to a sky blue to a burning red. He barely felt it when the boy had held him by the collar, eyes turned into red slits. "I hate you!" Naruto shouted angrily, punching the boy across the face. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate y -!"
With a small smirk, Sasuke placed a hand over his mouth, silencing him. "Hn. I know that I hurt you, and that was wrong. Hit me as many times as you want. Heh, I deserved it. I was never a good friend to you, anyway..." Sasuke mumbled.
"Wha - Sasuke? What are you saying?" Naruto glared at him.
"You're not going to shut up until I say something, are you?"
Sasuke sighed. The silence was answer enough.
"Well, yeah! God damn it, Sasuke! I wanna know why you were so red and why - why were you so mean? Sometimes - sometimes it hurts, you know? Sometimes I want you to be nice and all..." Naruto muttered.
"Naruto. I'm saying - that I'm sorry." Sasuke said to the ground, embarrassed. Naruto snickered.
"Hey - what's so funny?"
"The fact that you're saying you're sorry! Since when were you sorry? You weren't sorry before when you were mean to me!"
'Well, you were mean, too...' Sasuke shook his head. "I'm serious, deadlast! I said I'm sorry okay! Don't make me say it over and over again...moron."
Sasuke stared up at him, and he found himself staring into the sky blue eyes. Even as Sakura shouted for them to stop hurting each other. "I...lost." His head slumped against the tree and closed his eyes. "Looks like you won." Naruto stared, holding his breath, and slapped him. "Dumbass...I never asked for this! I never asked you to hurt me!"
"Loser. I'm sorry, alright? I was dumb." Sasuke said hesitantly. He held his fist.
"Friends?"
"Friends."
Naruto fist-bumped him and they fought back and forth. "So damned...tired."
"I'm tired...too."
Giving up, Naruto hit the ground down beside Sasuke.
As they lay there on the grass, a pug named Pakkun came up to them with a letter in his mouth. "Special delivery!" Pakkun barks, placing it down on the grass and promptly ran back with his stubby little limbs.
"Hey, that's Kakashi's nin-dog, right?" Naruto pointed at the dog. "Where'd you come from? I didn't see you!"
'Whoa, that's weird! I didn't even notice the ninja dog. When it's there it's like it's not there. Weird. This world is full of mystery!' Naruto - the "dumbass" as Sasuke so calls him - thought.
"Looks like it's from Kakashi." Sasuke said. Noticing how close Naruto was to his chest, he blushed.
They both awkwardly moved away from each other; Naruto wiped away his tears angrily with his sleeve. Sasuke nodded at him and shook Naruto's hand with a small smirk. He shoved him off of himself. Standing up from his position, he holds up the letter. Swatting away the saliva, Sasuke squinted down at the slobbery piece of paper. "Mission's cancelled." Sasuke said. "H - hey, lemme see!" Naruto stared at the letter and read it aloud.
Hello, kiddos!
Turns out today I'm on a very special mission that will take a day or two. Today you have the day off. I will be back tomorrow.
If you want to train, then Sasuke. I want you to train with Naruto. Sasuke, as team leader, you will take my place and teach Naruto as you practice walking across water. You three should be able to perform chakra control at this point. Sakura, I want you to work with them. No, not him. Them. So you will work with Sasuke AND Naruto. Naruto, Jiraiya-sennin is on a mission of sorts so he can't teach. So you will want to train with Sasuke.
Try not to kill each other while I'm gone!
Toodles!
Kakashi Sensei
P.S.
Don't tell the ninja girl that she still has a lot of work to do if she ever wants to become a jounin like me.
"I heard that!" The cherry blossom snapped in the background. 'Hmph, stupid sensei! He doesn't know what he's saying!'
Naruto reread the note with wise eyes. "H - he can't just do that!" Naruto gasped. He stared down at it dumbfounded, mouth agape. 'And Sasuke? Tutoring me? BLEGH! I'd sooner gorge myself an' die!' He choked on his own spit. "I'm supposed to train with Pervy Sage! Where is that old pervert anyways? I'm supposed to be summoning toads damn it! Not training with you!" He pointed accusingly at Sasuke. "And I was supposed to train my chidori with Kakashi. So what makes you so special?" Sasuke asked.
"Well! Well! I was training with pervert-sennin. So far I can only summon tadpoles...heh heh. But I'm getting better!" Naruto added defensively.
"'Summoning toads?' Pfft. Says the one who can't even create a full-form rasengan."
"Shut up!" Naruto shot back bitterly. 'Damn it! I can't believe Sasuke is making fun of me now!' Naruto thought, humiliated.
"Aww, are you pouting now?" Sasuke teased him half-heartedly. "You were so confident before...Where did your high and mighty attitude go?"
"You - You cocky bastard! I am NOT pouting!" He said stubbornly.
"Naruto, you're so stupid sometimes." Sakura chimed in and shrugged. "Sasuke-kun is trying to be nice to you and you are mad at him? Get a grip of yourself! Geez." Sasuke said something and Naruto shouted. "Wha - wha - WHAT?!"
Sasuke sighed. "You heard me the first time, dope."
"Prove it."
"Huh?"
"...Prove you can summon the Great Toad."
"I'll show you! See!" Naruto bit his thumb hard enough to draw blood and sprawled it on the spare scroll Jiraiya gave him. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" A POOF! of smoke and suddenly there was a dead-looking tadpole. "Hehe." Naruto said sheepishly. "Guess you couldn't summon a dumb toad."
"I can, too!" Naruto shouted. "I will!...uhh. Someday." Sasuke stared down at the small tadpole. "Feh. Looks like your size." Sasuke noted. "SHUT UP! Don't compare me to a tadpole. God damnit!"
"I can compare you to whatever I want. I'm the one in charge here, remember?" Sasuke said, helping him up to his feet. He wrapped an arm around the blonde's shoulder and smirked slightly. "That means you have to do whatever I say as the team leader. So you will do what I say, dead last."
"Grrr...no way in hell! Do I look like I listen to egotistical bastards? No! I don't!" Sakura hit his head. "NARUTO! You dummy! You'd better listen to Sasuke-kun now or you're finished!" Sakura promised, cracking her fists together. Naruto sweat dropped. "Hehe...alright, Sakura-chan. Whatever you say..." He said sheepishly.
"So. Will you do what I say?" Sasuke asked beside him. He had killing intent coming out of his body.
'AGH! What's this all of a sudden! S - suddenly...I don't wanna! I don't want to!' Naruto felt his dark chakra and cringed. 'Holy crap! It feels like he's gonna murder me in my sleep! I've got to get out of here!'
'No thank you! I'm outta here.' Naruto shook his head. 'In no world am I gonna let that Sasuke to do what he wants with me! No way am I letting him boss me around like a little kid. I am a ninja now! I'm much better than that!'
Sasuke saw his frustration, his sadness, his anger. Normally he'd mock the moron and call him a loser or a dropout, but he had seen how hurt he looked a few seconds ago. So he said nothing.
He should be asking "You're not hurt, are you, scaredy cat?" or "Hey. Are you alright?" But he simply said nothing. Sasuke leaned a little closer, looking around for signs of anyone else, and whispered, "If it means so much to you, then go home, deadlast." Then, as an afterthought, a "come back and face me when you're finished training."
The blonde nodded happily and stepped back. 'Finally!'
"See ya! Sakura-chan! ... Sasuke. Uh, well, buh-bye!" He called, turning his back and taking a steady breath. He walked away from them, without a smile on his face. No one would care if he did or not. He collected chakra to his feet and walked along the streets of Konoha with his head hung low.