A/N. EevyLynn pointed out that when Rumple cast his scrying spell, he asked to be shown his child (In "Devil's Due," Hades tells Rumple, "You asked the crystal ball to show you your child"), something I'd overlooked when I wrote the first version of this story. As a Rumbeller, I was so glad to be wrong! (And I hope the OUAT writers will remember what they had Hades reveal, and not conveniently forget it, as they seem to have done for so much of Rumbelle's history). So, here's a rewrite I'm relieved to offer.

"Really, Rumplestiltskin, I'm disappointed in you." Hades was speaking even as he appeared behind the cluster of heroes, ex-villains and one current villain, standing in the Underworld cemetery. He clicked his tongue as he sauntered around them to show him his faked frown. "Up there you're so cruelly clever, so impishly imaginative, a chess master of magic. But here—well, perhaps you have too much competition in—what do your friends call it? 'Underbrooke'? And that makes you nervous. Or perhaps it's a case of sympathy hormones flooding your bloodstream and blocking your brain. Whatever the cause, we'll have plenty of time to ponder it, because," he spread his arms widely, "obviously, your little plan to free your friends has failed." He circled the Storybooke Ten once again, a move that Rumple had used himself many a time: standing behind an opponent, where he/she couldn't see what you were up to, made him/her nervous. It also gave you a 360 view to size up the opponent's vulnerabilities.

Rumple watched Hades warily from the corner of his eye, refusing to be intimated. Rumple also remained silent—another intimidation tactic he'd found effective.

"Heal her," a female voice demanded. Snow and Charming were kneeling at the side of their daughter, from whose side blood flowed. Emma's face was as battered as Hook's had been when they'd first found him in Underbrooke: she'd received the same torture from Hades for her magically draining, though successful, attempt to erase Snow's, Regina's and her own names from the tombstones that would have trapped them permanently in Underbrooke. Pointless it had been, however; if anyone had asked, Rumple would have advised them so. Any expenditure of magic in the Underworld, and especially when the magic was light, set off all sorts of alarms and brought Hades running. Rumple shook his head slightly and would have muttered to himself if not for Hades' incredible sense of hearing. When Emma's special abilities were first discovered, he should have stepped in himself to train her, instead of leaving it to Regina; the ex-Evil Queen was a sledgehammer sorceress and Emma was teetering in that same direction. If they ever got out of this place, for Henry's sake, Rumple would have to provide the Savior with some lessons in finesse.

Hades made a point of stepping over the Savior's unconscious form. The action spoke louder than any words he might have spoken: Snow may have been a queen in another world, but here she was powerless. She, her husband, Hook, Belle and Robin held no interest for Hades, other than their familial connections to the people he did seek to own: Emma, Regina, Rumplestiltskin and Henry, each of whom possessed their own special skill set—as well as some very tasty souls. Zelena stood apart from everyone else, her arms wrapped around her baby: she hadn't said as much yet, but it was pretty clear which side she favored. It would be so convenient to have Robin out of the way.

Standing behind Hook, Hades paused and held up a hand in a stop gesture. "Oh, I'm sure it wasn't your idea originally, dearie, but the blame is yours for allowing these fools to attempt it. They're merely ignorant; you know better." He shrugged. "Well, que sera, sera." He snapped his fingers and a trio of lightning bolts re-etched the names Snow White, Regina Mills and Emma Swan into the tombstones. "There must be a penalty, of course." He tapped his chin in a mockery of the Imp's stagey gestures. "Let's see, how does that saying go? 'An eye for an eye, a tooth for'—etcetera." He snapped his fingers again and a fourth tombstone appeared, a smaller, whiter one than the women's: and on its face was etched "Henry Swan Mills."

"You bastard!" Hook growled at the same time that David rose to his feet, reaching to his hip for the sword or gun that wasn't there and would've been useless if it had been. Somehow the heroes just couldn't grasp the physics of this place: the Lord of Death could not be killed—or die in any other manner. That, the gods had established immediately after the creation of life: for life to exist, so must death.

Hades resumed his march around the circle of heroes. Their reaction, predictable as it was, bored him; not even Regina at her best could so much as stir a hair on Hades' fire-coiffed head. The Lord of Death's stare was fixed on Rumple's face, and he grinned broadly when he caught a muscle twitch under the Imp's left eye. "There," he sighed in satisfaction. "That's what I was looking for. A little remorse. Because I now own both the Savior and the Truest Believer—oh, and your only existing blood relative. For the moment, anyway. Which reminds me." Conveniently, Hades was now positioned behind Belle; he set his hands on her shoulders in a faux friendly gesture, then as Rumple's eyes narrowed, Hades smiled smoothly and slid one hand from her shoulder down her arm, seductively, then across her waist. As she gasped, he gave her belly an affectionate pat.

She wrenched away from him, turned to glare, but Hades had already gotten what he wanted: Rumple's lips had parted in an imminent protest. Rumple's voice was so low as to be barely audible. "Get your filthy hands off my wife, you son of a bitch."

Hades feigned shock. "What is with you people and your insults to a man's mother?"

"What are you doing?" David tried to draw Hades' attention away from Rumple, in the hopes of avoiding a magic fight. He failed; the chess board had been set for this fight a long time ago. "What do you want from us?"

Suddenly the smugness left Hades' expression and a cold anger slammed down. "I'm getting bored with you people. We had a nice, quiet little place here, full of obedient, hopeless souls, before you came and started yanking people out." Incredulity filled his voice. "Promising them Heaven?! You people could give Napoleon a run for his money in the arrogance game. It's getting annoying. You've made a mess of the place and lost me some of my favorite playthings. There must be a penalty." Before any of them could blink, he'd grabbed Belle again, spinning her about so she faced Rumple once more, then pulling her against his chest. "You're too much of a loose cannon here, Dark One. Time to send you back home. And just so you're not tempted to return, I'm going to do you a favor and send your missus home with you." Rumple's eyes widened for a moment, and Hades chuckled. "I thought you'd like that. See, I know you don't give two figs about any of these others, with the exception of your grandson, and I think you'll be content to trade him for that ticket home. And your so-called friends never really were your friends, anyway, were they? Nuisances, most of them. And as for Hook, you couldn't ask for a more satisfying revenge than to leave him to me. So I know you won't put up a fuss as long as I allow Belle to step onto that boat with you. Will you, dearie?"

Rumple's mouth tightened. "I know better than to believe any promises from you, dearie."

"But you will, because I'm going to take a little collateral. A hostage. You attempt to return to free Henry, and that hostage dies. What a shame that would be: dead before he even had a chance to breathe the sweet air of life."

Even Regina gasped as the heroes now grasped Hades' meaning.

"You'd better not be making the threat you seem to be making," Rumple snarled.

"No, you'd better not be making threats, when there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me from collecting on your debt." Hades snapped his fingers and a scroll appeared in mid-air. For the first time, he glanced at the heroes. "For those of you in the cheap seats, that's a contract your fearful leader signed a couple of centuries ago. It grants ownership of his second born—namely, Junior here," he slid his hand sensually down Belle's stomach, compelling Rumple to take a step forward, "to me."

Regina swung on her former teacher. "You sold your baby? What did you crave so bad that you sold your flesh and blood?"

"Never you mind, little queen," Hades flipped the words at her. "That information is provided only on a need-to-know basis."

"There has to be a loophole in it," Hook pondered, creeping forward to examine the floating contract. "The Crocodile never signs a contract unless it's full of holes for him and air-tight for the other—" A flick of Hades' wrist and the contract vanished. "Party," Hook finished.

"Oh, this was something he signed before he became the dealmaker you see standing before you," Hades said smoothly. "A desperate soul, he was, then, and as we all well know, a desperate soul will pay any price for a little magic. So." Hades yanked Belle tight against his chest. "I'm calling in my marker now as a 'just in case,' after which, I'll send you and Wifey home."

"You're going to kill—" Belle struggled against him. From his position opposite Hades, Rumple's hands glowed with gold magic.

"No, sweetheart, I'm not going to kill Junior. That would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?" He clicked his tongue. "And I thought you were supposed to be as smart as Hubby. No, I'm not going to kill him, just extract him. You've seen this trick before, remember?" He winked at Zelena. "A little magic can speed up the pregnancy." He conjured a chair and pushed Belle into it. "Now, let's see, I'm a bit rusty. . . .How does that spell go again? Perhaps we'll have to wake Emma up to recite it for me."

All he had was the element of surprise—and really, not even that—but Rumple transported Belle out of Hades' arms and behind his own slight form. He reached one hand behind him to touch her, to reassure himself. "Are you all right, Belle?"

"I will be," she gasped for air, then she groaned and doubled over as a blast of magic from Hades flowed over her shielding husband and consumed her. With an incoherent shout, Rumple threw magic back: simultaneous fireballs and bolts of ice and miniature whirlwinds. He shook his head to clear it, fully aware of the sloppiness and predictability of his work, but he was too upset to plan an attack. He cast a hasty glance at Regina, who took the hint and joined her magic to his; as their powers wove together, they formed a magical iron maiden around Hades and painstakingly started to close it. But it was too little, too late, for Belle dropped to her knees, clutching her rapidly expanding belly and moaning.

Zelena stepped behind Rumple to crouch over Belle. "Don't worry, darling. It only hurts for a little while. I speak from experience." She glared at the inert form of the Savior before returning her attention to Belle and licking her lips in delight.

Rumple couldn't stop himself: he abandoned the attack on Hades and spun around, concentrating his efforts on attempting to shred Hades' spell. It was a highly complex, multi-layered spell; of course it had to be, for the Lord of Death to manipulate the forces of Life. He closed his eyes, forcing Belle's cries from his hearing, and forced himself to concentrate on one thread at a time, while behind him, he could hear Regina cursing as her magic sputtered. "Somebody wake Emma up! I need her," the queen panted, then she threw a grimace at her former mentor. "What the hell, Rumple? Smarter, not harder."

Rumple jerked his head up in recognition of a key phrase he'd taught Regina early on in her training, when she would expend energy needlessly or make herself dangerously vulnerable by bludgeoning her way through a battle—which was exactly what he was doing now. He was allowing his nervousness to overcome his intellect, and the emotions from which he was building the foundation of his fight were guilt and fear, not, as he'd taught he'd Emma, love for his family. Fight smarter, not harder. And smarter meant making a frank assessment of both his opponent's and his own strengths and weaknesses. It took only few seconds to calm himself, during which he dodged a volley of flame-bladed knives from Hades, and then a few more seconds to make his assessment. And then he accepted the truth: he couldn't win. Even with three hundred years of study and practice, even with his protégé's help, even with the combined powers of all the Dark Ones that ever had been, he couldn't outfight a god.

In all the lands of the living, Rumplestiltskin had been acknowledged as the most powerful sorcerer in existence. The claim was true, but not, as Rumple had admitted to no one but himself, because his magic was so much stronger or diversified than anyone else's, and not because his skills were so much more finely honed. The secret to his success was in the combination of imagination, perceptiveness, foresight and plain old research that gave him the information he needed to outsmart his opponents. Once he reminded himself of that, he reined in his magic and turned on his brain.

Smarter, not harder. What was Hades fighting for? Not to rescue anyone, like the heroes were; not to acquire more power, which he had plenty of; not to take revenge, as villains so often did. He was fighting to keep possession of the souls that inhabited the Underworld. Like a junkyard dog, he was fighting to defend his territory. And Hades didn't particularly care who those souls were: the fact that he'd offered Hook the choice of which names to carve on the tombstones proved that. It was a simple numbers game with him: the heroes had freed three souls, so three fresh residents were required to fill the gap.

Only Belle, standing behind him, and only Regina, standing to his side, knew him well enough to detect the change in him as his stance relaxed just slightly and his eyes brightened. Regina ceased her magic-attack on Hades and Belle began to breathe again as Rumple smiled slyly. Both women knew from that smile Rumple was about to drag the fight into his wheelhouse.

"Well, now that we've had our morning calisthenics, shall we settle down to work?" Rumple sounded almost bored.

"In other words, he's throwing in the towel," Zelena snickered. "He realizes he can't win, so he's going to plead for mercy."

"But being Rumplestiltskin, he'll wrap it in the pretty trappings of a deal," Hades mused. "Very well, Dark One, give us your best shot. Or should I say, your only shot."

"One correction, Hades: to be strictly accurate, you should address me as 'Dark Ones.' I am legion, for we are many."

"Poetic, but what the hell does that mean?" Hades folded his arms.

"The entire lot of us do indeed have a deal to propose, an alteration to the offer you made me. Let me and my companions—everyone here who wants to go—" he glanced meaningfully at Zelena—"go home. Safely, without interference of any kind, ever. Let us leave right now. And in return, I promise you three replacements for every soul that's leaving with me—and I guarantee you, every single replacement is one that you'll find tantalizing. Far more exciting than any of these." He waved his hand dismissively at the heroes and winced when he got to Hook. "You will leave us be, us and all our kin, by blood or marriage, to live out the lives Destiny has planned for us. When those of us who are mortal die, we will pass through here just as anyone else does, and you will not interfere as we resolve our final issues and move on."

"Three souls for one." Hades' face projected skepticism but his greed seeped through his voice. "Tell me about these replacements. Who are they, and more importantly, where are they?"

"Awesome souls, as my grandson would say," Rumple tossed a smile in Henry's direction. "Many of them ancient, battered, rotted through and through with darkness, corrupted by their own greed, jealousy, rage, depravity. . . and powerful. Powers you've watched and admired from afar."

However much the Lord of Death would have liked to batter Rumplestiltskin around, the description made his mouth water. "Go on."

"I offer to you the souls of every Dark One who's ever lived, excepting myself, Emma and—" he stumbled over the last name, "Hook."

A deep breath escaped Hades. "Every Dark—that's thirty-four souls. Thirty-four of the vilest souls to ever throw a fireball. So much more entertaining that these lunkheads."

"Indeed."

But Hades' eyebrows drew down. "How?"

"They're all in here." Rumple tapped his chest. "Except for numbers thirty-six and thirty-seven. And One through Thirty-Four can be yours, for the low low price of a boat to Storybrooke."

"I thought I detected Nimue's patterns in your spellcasting."

"Nimue, Athelard, Berengar, Ancelmus, for a start. Funneled into me by Excaliber. All yours for a boat."

Hades narrowed his eyes. "Prove it."

Rumple drew from his jacket the reforged Dark Dagger. Zelena and Regina started shivering—Rumple understood why. Power radiated from the dagger until he clasped his hand tightly around the blade and demanded that it be quiet.

"Yeah, I can smell them. Karolus, Clarenbald, Zoso. . . .What a hell of a dinner party that would be, eh?" Hades grinned. "You're going to give me your dagger, then?"

"Not exactly. But I will deliver the souls of Dark Ones One through Thirty-Four right here and now, just as soon as—" Rumple snapped his fingers and produced a contract. "As soon as you sign."

"They are immortal. They'll never move on," Hades speculated. "The party can last forever."

Rumple held the contract out. Hades snatched it up, pored over it from head to footnote, then summoned Charon in his boat. With a second burst of magic, he produced a quill and signed on the dotted line.

Rumple rolled the contract up and slid it into his jacket, then brought out the dagger again. One glowing hand on the blade and one on the hilt, he summoned the magic of all thirty-seven of his predecessors and successors. Focusing it into a narrow laser of light, he set the dagger on fire, his hands burning too.

"Rumple," Belle fretted, but she didn't intervene.

Sweat broke out on his brow and his arms shook, but he kept on concentrating and burning. Regina came closer, her eyes bright with admiration. "All that power," she sighed.

Suddenly there was a loud snap and the fire died out. Rumple dropped his hands and let the two broken pieces of the dagger fall to the dirt. A voice called out from behind him, "Rumplestiltskin! Why do you summon us?" A lovely young gold-skinned woman in a hood appeared in a red cloud of magic, and all around her puffs of magic announced the arrivals of other Dark Ones.

Rumple lowered his head in a bow. "Nimue."

The first Dark One glided in her robes across the dead grass until she stood beside Dark One Number Thirty-Five. She ran her hand seductively up his Armani sleeve as she purred, "Shall we have some fun together, dearie?"

"Your party awaits, Mistress Nimue." Rumple drew her attention to Hades. "May I introduce your host, Hades, Ruler of the Underworld and Lord of Death."

Hades bowed and kissed her palm. "At your service, my Dark Lady."

"I don't believe we've met."

"We would've had no cause, your kind being immortal. But I've admired you for eons and your work in the world above has kept me entertained." He linked her arm through his own as Zelena glared, watching them walk away. "I can't wait to hear about your adventures."

"And I can't wait to hear of your admiration for me," Nimue teased.

"Come, I have dinner waiting in my private chambers, and an entire symphony orchestra to set the ambiance." In a blink they had vanished.

Zelena shifted the baby to Robin's arms. "Here. Six months with you up there, six months with me down here. I'll come for her in December. Deal?"

"Deal!" Robin exclaimed.

She motioned to the other Dark Ones. "Come on. We've got a private party to disrupt."

"We'd better beat it before he finds a loophole and comes back for us," David suggested. He knelt and gave Emma's shoulder a shake. "Emma! Wake up, Emma. We've got to go." He and Hook half-carried a groggy Savior to the boat, with Snow and Henry, Robin, Regina and the baby following.

Rumple held out his hand to Belle. "I want you to live in the pink house so the baby can have a room of his own. Dove will find an unoccupied house for me. We'll call Doc as soon as we get back."

"And Archie? I'd like for us to start seeing him for marriage counseling."

"I'm agreeable to that. I want to save this marriage, Belle. If you do."

"I'm sorry I went back on my word. I'm sorry I gave up on us."

"I'm sorry for all the secrets and lies."

She allowed him to lift her into the boat. "Despite our human failings, I've always loved you."

"Let's go home, Belle."