I was replaced. There's really no other way to say it.

Two years in their relationship, he proposed to her.

I was the first one to know. She came to my apartment, in the middle of the night. I was just finishing up my sixth bottle, drowning all the hurt and sorrow to help me sleep, when there was a loud knock on my front door. I remember opening my door and the first thing that came in my mind was that something bad had happened to her. She was pacing the hallway and there were tears in her eyes, her hands were shaking.

I quickly pulled her in a tight hug. She hugged me back just as tight.

After that night, I tried my best to be happy about her engagement. I never hugged her again. I never touched her again, she wasn't mine to touch. Even before he came into her life, she wasn't really mine to touch to begin with. We were fooled in to believing that it's perfect okay. That it was perfectly okay for me to hold her hand, to kiss her cheek, to hug her, to curl up next to her in her couch or her in bed.

No. After that night, I just couldn't bring myself to touch her again.

She was oblivious to the change. She was to happy and busy preparing for her wedding and gushing over her ring with Raven and Octavia.

I said yes when she asked me to be her maid of honor. I mean, that's what a best friend would do right?

I didn't know that also meant joining Raven and Octavia in planning the wedding, more gushing about him, planning for their honeymoon. It was barely a week of planning before it started getting into me.

She asked me to go with her to pick her wedding dress. I drove us to a shop Octavia said had the best gowns in the city.

I had to leave when I saw in her that beautiful white dress. I couldn't be there. It hurt too much, because the only thing I could think of was me waiting for her at the end of the aisle. That it was me she was going to be married to.

We used to talk about our dream weddings and make up scenarios. Her better half would always be faceless.

But when I saw her in that dress, and she was smiling at me, that faceless groom became Finn Collins. And that's when I realized that she wasn't just going to be Dr. Clarke Griffin anymore. She was going to be Dr. Clarke Griffin-Collins in just a few months.

He showed up in her life when I least expected it. She met him on her trip to Boston. Their personalities were so alike; no wonder they hit it off immediately.

He was funny and sweet and kind and generous, just like her. He has a law degree and he paints. He shared so much of her interests and her likes. I even joked that they were a perfect match made in heaven. He was surprising humble with all his wealth and his family's connection.

Really, he was perfect for her.

As if the whole texting and skyping thing wasn't enough, she started to drive every weekend to meet him or she'd ask him to drive down and stay over.

It didn't take long for all that driving and visits to start cutting our time together. It took her longer than I thought it would for her to realize how much I was missing her, but like the fool that I am, I continued to encourage her to see him and it felt like a stab in my chest, but she was so happy with him. Who am I to stand in between something that makes her burst with happiness?

I wasn't surprised at all when four months later, he got a job at a law firm here in New York, and not long after that, he started hanging out with us at the Dropship during Friday nights. As much as I like to hate him, I couldn't. He was too much like Clarke that I feel like I hate on Clarke as well.

Octavia and Raven liked him. Even Bellamy, with all this protective-brother vibe, liked him. There was literally nothing to hate about him.

Soon after, he took my place in Clarke's couch, in Clarke's bed. The extra drawer that was once filled with my clothes for whenever I slept over was replaced with his.

I would often think back to the night before she left for her trip, when everything was easy and simple and I could hide my feelings from her without feeling like I'm about to burst. I was blabbing out every excuse I can think of for her to cancel her trip, just for her to stay. She just laughed it off and softly kissed me on the cheek before bidding a good night. I wonder if things would be different if I had told her I was in love with her that night.

That night would forever be burned in my memories, it was one of the best nights we had. The gang met up at the bar, had drinks, made a fool of ourselves, and then I drove us back to her place and we fell asleep on her bed watching Friends. Then the following morning I took her to the airport. And when she pulled me in a tight hugged and whispered how much she was going to miss me, I almost told her I was in love with her.

A week later, she came back, and everything changed.

It's the night before the wedding. Clarke is asleep on her bed. I woke up an hour ago to find ourselves in a position we were once so used to. I let myself have this moment for a little longer. I allowed myself to feel weak for just this moment.

I placed a soft kiss on top of her head and slowly slipped out of bed and gathered my things. I took a last look at woman who have my heart and left the room.

I've been sitting at the couch staring at the piece of paper in front of me for the past 15 minutes. I glanced up at the picture frame hanging on the wall.

It was a picture of me and Clarke during her 22nd birthday. We threw her a surprise party in the apartment we shared with Raven and Octavia back in college. Our arms were wrapped around each other; we were cheek to cheek and smiling at the camera. I couldn't think of a time where I'd seen her smile more brightly than that night.

Staring at the photo, I was hit with guilt and hatred for what I was about to do. I wiped the tear that managed to slip and stood up, grabbing the piece of paper and folding it before placing it on the kitchen counter, and walked out the door.

I tried not to think how I'm betraying everyone.

I tried not to think of Clarke and what this would do to her.

I tried to convince myself this was what had to be done.

I got in my car.

Drove off.

And never looked back.

Clarke,

By the time you find this letter, I've been long gone. I am so sorry for doing this to you, Clarke. This is the only way to give you the happiness you deserve. I know the moment you finish this letter; you'll come looking for me. You'll probably race straight to my apartment, then to the airport.

I should be there right now. Supporting you and celebrating the biggest day of your life. I tried. I really did. But how much can a person take seeing the person they're in love with, love someone else? I don't trust myself to not stand in the middle of the ceremony and not object when the priest asks why you and Finn shouldn't be married.

This is why I have to leave.

I am in love with you Clarke Griffin. I love you more than I loved anyone else. It's the kind of love we always talked about and hoped we'd find. And we did. You found it with him. You're my everything, Clarke. My best friend, my confidant, my soul.

We spent most of our time together and did everything together; I guess this is something inevitable. Maybe it's fate, maybe it's destiny. Or maybe, maybe it's the fact that I fell in love with my best friend and my best friend can't love me back.

I wish I was strong enough to stay. I wish I could be strong for the two of us.

You will not find me, Clarke. None of you will. I know you. I know you'll try everything to find me. But I'm asking you to let it go. Just like I'm letting you go. I know you better than anyone; that will never change.

Call me selfish; call me a coward for leaving. But I can't stand to see the hurt in your eyes, knowing I was the cause of it.

I love you, Clarke Griffin. I can only hope you can forgive me for this betrayal.

All my love,

Lexa