I Never Should Have Let You

by KatLeePT

A poem based on Emma's thoughts at the end of her life, concerning all the things she should have done and said and shouldn't have done to Sean, the thoughts that she would like to share with him and that, ultimately, bring her death. Written from her POV

Title: "I Never Should Have Let You"
Author: Pirate Turner
Rating: R for suicide
Summary: A poem based on Emma's thoughts at the end of her life, concerning all the things she should have done and said and shouldn't have done to Sean. The thoughts that she would like to share with him and that, ultimately, bring her death. Written from her POV.
Warnings: Het, Character Death, Suicide, Poetry
Challenge: Peja's Challenge/Prompt to the XMenFantasies list for the week of 9-3-09 to write a story with "I never should have let you"
Disclaimer: Sean "Banshee" Cassidy, Emma "White Queen" Frost, and Generation X are © & TM Marvel comics, not the author, and are used without permission. Everything else is © & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.

I never should have let you
Walk away.
I never should have let you
Go that day.
I never should have let you
Think you didn't affect me.
I never should have let you
Believed you were unwanted.

I never should have let you
Consider, for even one second,
Sacrificing yourself,
Sacrificing what I held most dear
For years but never dared to
Speak one actual word of love
Where you might hear me.

I never should have let you go,
But you're gone now,
Never to return,
And I feel so alone,
More alone than ever before.

There's an empty ache inside
That just won't go away
Or be placated with any amount
Of money, jewels, or power.
There's an empty ache inside,
One you left though you never knew
And one only you can fill.

I never should have let you go.
I never should have let you think
That you no longer mattered to any one.
I never should have let you follow her.
She didn't deserve you when she lived,
And she still doesn't deserve you
Now that she's dead and
You've gone off to follow her.

You may always love her,
That I know and am powerless
To do anything about.
But what I can do I must do,
And that is join you.

Regardless of the pain or the suffering
That I might find in the beyond,
That I know I, in truth, deserve,
Regardless of the fact that
I may never reach you
For I know the golden light shines
Upon your handsome face
While darkness waits for me,
I've got to try.

Maybe I haven't done enough good,
Maybe my soul is still far too black,
But to wait here, knowing you'll never return,
Is a pain far greater than I can take.
The mysteries of the beyond
Are still unsettled in my mind,
But all I know is that
I've got to try to reach you
For life without you is unbearable.

I can not go on.
I can not continue with this lie,
This sham that tries to make my life important
When all meaning left with you.

I can not go on when all my hope
Has been stripped, for with you has gone
The hopes I'd clung to
Of ever seeing you again,
Hearing your sweet chuckle,
Seeing your handsome smile
And the way your emerald eyes
Would twinkle just so
In the day and in the night,
In mirth, and in the face of
My wrath and might.

Without you, my love,
I can not continue.
I can bare this life that has become
A surer Hell than any other I've ever known
No more, and so here I am,
Laid upon your grave.

Here I close my eyes one last time,
The image of your delectable form
Dancing in my mind's eye,
Reaching, waiting, calling for me.

Here I drink my last
And breathe my last
And wait, wondering . . .
Will I ever see you again?

I feel my heartbeat fading fast,
And I let go, determined not to last.
Hearing you call my name,
I answer but no longer aloud.
I answer and wait and,
For the first time in all my life,
I pray.

I pray, hoping Some One, Any One,
Will hear and take pity
Upon this soul not worth pitying.
I pray with my last breath,
With my last thought,
Until I wake again in your arms.

You're smiling down at me,
And yet I see tears in your
Beautiful, green eyes.
I reach a trembling hand up,
Cup your face, and you
Do not pull away.
Instead you cover my hand
With your own, and I can feel
You're trembling too.

"Ah, Em," you try to speak,
But you're too choked with emotions
I never dared dream you could feel for me
But now see shining clearly in your eyes.

I smile, squeeze your hand, and speak
The words I should have told you
Oh so long ago,
"I love you, Sean."
I am dead, and yet, for the first time,
In so long a time that it feels like a lifetime,
I live again for finally, with your love
And your presence, I am whole.

The End