This story is pure angst. I don't know what possessed me to write something so damn sad, but I did it and here it is. It actually hurt me a bit to write something like this, I had to take a moment and cry once I had finished this first chapter. Nevertheless, I hope you all enjoy it, even though it is cripplingly depressing. xD
Try as she might, Santana still couldn't quell the familiar feeling of despair that had begun building within her. She felt it clawing up her throat, threatening to burst out and send her over the edge. Even after all these years, she still felt it as violently, the wounds still seemed so raw, so open. Her friends thought she would have healed by now; most people probably would have. But Santana wasn't like most people. She held onto things, held onto people. She had always held on to one person in particular. And now that person was gone. And no one could do anything to change that.
She shook her head and blinked rapidly, trying to escape the dazed reverie she had unwittingly slipped into. Quinn would be there any minute, so she had to make sure she was ready to go.
She had her coat and her keys, and was just preparing to step outside to wait for Quinn when she noticed something. She rushed back inside, searching frantically. Her breathing became short and laboured, sharp breaths whooshing in and out at a rapid pace, not long enough for her to really take in any oxygen. Her eyes were wide, darting around anxiously. She began tossing things aside recklessly, hell-bent on discovering what she needed.
She was so wrapped up in her hysteria, that she didn't hear the sound of the door swinging open, which she had forgotten to close amidst her crazed state. It was only when she spun to race up the stairs and collided into someone with a loud "Oomph!" that she took notice of the presence of another person in the room.
"Quinn! Oh god, I'm sorry!"
"Santana, it's fine. Just calm down honey! What's the matter?" Quinn questioned, looking perplexed and concerned.
"The bracelet. I can't find the bracelet Britt gave me on the last day of high school. I promised her I would always wear it, and I had it on this morning, I swear I did, but it must have fallen off, and now I can't find it, and… and…"
Santana then broke down, collapsing into heaving sobs, hunched over on her knees. Quinn rushed over to the broken girl, wrapping her arms around her and rocking her gently.
"San, honey, it's fine. I'm sure it's around here somewhere."
"But I, I have to find it! I can't go to her… her grave…" Santana choked on the word, bile rising in her throat, still unable to picture her Britt lying underground, not moving, not breathing. Not living. "I can't go to her grave without it! It'll be like, not having a part of her with me. AND I CAN'T BE LIKE THAT! I just can't do it Quinn!"
Santana began wailing once again, her voice broken and strained. Everything was building up within her; she could feel it, like a storm brewing. She knew there was going to be trouble once her walls broke down and the storm hit.
She was shivering, overcome with fear and anguish. Everything seemed hopeless ever since she lost Brittany. Even now, three years later, it still felt as though it had happened yesterday.
If only Brittany had come with her to Rachel and Finn's wedding.
If only she hadn't decided to go with Quinn to make sure she knew how to get to the chapel.
If only Quinn had kept her eyes on the road instead of replying to Rachel's text.
If only that truck hadn't smashed into the car, leaving Quinn in a wheelchair and leaving Brittany to die, helpless and alone.
If only. If only. If only.
There were a lot of 'if only's' in Santana's life nowadays. All of which involved Brittany.
If Santana thought about it really hard, she could still imagine Brittany's touch. Her hand trailing tenderly down her arm; her fingers laced with her own; her lips, gently caressing Santana's, breathing a trail of hot fire down her neck; her arms wrapped securely around her, making her feel safe and loved.
Her trance was interrupted by Quinn softly stroking her hair, whispering gently,
"Santana? San, if we want to get there before the cemetery closes, we have to go now. You want to see her, don't you?"
Santana nodded woodenly, her face devoid of any emotion.
"Come on then honey. Rachel's waiting in the car to drive us there."
She stood up, hooking her hands under Santana's frail shoulders and pulling her up carefully. Santana's weight had dropped dramatically ever since it happened; it wasn't that she had an eating disorder, she just felt as though the void within her couldn't be filled by something as superficial as food, and so didn't feel the need to eat. This worried her friends, of course, but no amount of persuading, haggling, or begging could convince Santana to eat anything.
The Latina walked over and stood in front of the full-length mirror that hung in her living room, attempting to fix her make-up; streaks of mascara were lashed across her cheeks, each dash sharp and distinct; a few tears had mixed with her eyeliner, dripping onto her full lips, the taste acrid and sour. She sniffled, narrowing her eyes with disgust at the pathetic sight of herself. Quinn winced sympathetically, knowing that Santana was mentally scolding herself in the most reproachful way. It was a gruelling habit the brunette had been doing a lot of lately, and nothing Quinn or Rachel did seemed to be able to stop it.
"Here. Let me do that." Quinn soothed, walking over to Santana, feeling a lump form in her throat at the obvious distress the girl was under. She reached into her bag, withdrawing a clean tissue, and began dabbing Santana's tan cheeks, wiping away the menacing black lines that signified her agonising grief. She then took out the ruby red lipstick from her purse, which she always carried in case it was needed. She lightly applied a small amount onto Santana's lips, smiling a little.
"Beautiful, as always." Quinn murmured, before embracing Santana lovingly. Quinn felt Santana shake as she held her close, and her heart continued to break for the shattered girl who used to be so strong. The Santana she knew and loved was gone, replaced with a new Santana, one who stayed in bed for days on end, not wanting to eat, not even wanting to move. The only thing she wanted was to have her Brittany back in her arms; alas, that was the one thing that was utterly impossible.
Quinn then pulled back, making her way towards the front door. She paused suddenly, however, noticing something sparkle on the table near the front door.
"Hey San? Is that your bracelet?"
Santana broke away from Quinn's loving grasp and raced over to the table, knocking over a vase in her haste.
"Yes! Oh my gosh, thank you Quinn!"
Santana threw her arms around Quinn gratefully, and Quinn was ecstatic to see the tiniest hint of a smile gracing Santana's striking features.
"Come on San. Let's get going. Rachel's going to think you've kidnapped me." Quinn chuckled.
"Well, we wouldn't want that now, would we? We all know how jealous Miss Berry can get when it comes to her woman."
Santana offered Quinn a small wry smile, which the blonde gladly accepted with a grin of her own.
They both then walked out of the front door, Quinn shutting it firmly behind her. Santana climbed into the back seat of the humming Mini, which had been a birthday present for Rachel from her dads last year. Rachel greeted Santana with a timid smile, while Santana gave her a curt nod. While they had began to branch out to each other towards the end of senior year, losing the only person she'd ever loved had made Santana retreat even further from others around her. So, apart from Quinn, she had practically shut out everyone else from her life over the past three years, including Rachel. However, the diva did see slightly more of Santana than anyone else, as she was now in a relationship with and living with Quinn, and Santana was at their house majority of the time because she hated being alone with her own thoughts.
Rachel put the car into gear as Quinn strapped herself into the front passenger seat, reaching over and taking her girlfriend's hand. Rachel smiled, meeting Quinn's tearful gaze, kissing her hand tenderly. Their yearly visits to Brittany's grave on the anniversary of her death were always emotional, and they were always grateful to have each other to help them through the difficult time. Santana, however, had no one, and that just made everything even harder as it took its toll on her already delicate emotional state.
They made their way to the cemetery on the other side of town, silence reverberating around the car, like a thick, unyielding cloud. Rachel and Quinn had their hands linked over the centre console, while Santana stared bleakly out of the window and tried, to no avail, to stop the cascade of tears that flowed relentlessly down her cheeks.
So, what do you guys think about this story so far? Initially it was going to be one-shot, but there was too much to include so I decided to make it into a multi-chapter fic. So yeah, let me know what you thought of this first chapter!
Chapter 2 will be along ASAP! ^^