Alex's POV 3rd person
The steady drum of feet striking the practice mats was the only noise in the training area. The lone occupant in the room moved shakily from one form into another as her hands shot out at an imaginary enemy. Her leg came up in a sweeping motion before coming back down to the ground with a resounding slap of skin against thick cushioning.
The room was dark and all lights were turned down for the night. Treadmills and boxing stations were entirely drowned in darkness. The only light source was the emergency panel in the corner of the room, casting looming and ominous shadows over the single individual standing on the mats. The metal equipment and walls surrounding her did little to lessen the foreboding atmosphere.
The solitary figure paused in her movements to gasp for air, sweat trickling down her face and off her chin. Walking dizzily over to one of the metal benches besides the training mats, she sat down heavily and clutched at a water bottle laying besides the seat. Opening up the beverage hastily, the woman downed what was left of it before letting out a long breath and leaning forwards. Her head came to rest in her hands as she cooled down from her long exercise.
Glancing at the clock hanging above the metal stairway in the room, she could see that she had been on the mats for hours. Ever since she had woken up yet again to choked tears and strangled gasps.
She closed her eyes longing for a small amount of rest only to see flashes of regret and guilt playing in front of her eyes. Flashes of blood splattering around her. Flashes of bullet casings littering the floor. Flashes of explosions through blurred vision, being overcome by tears.
The young woman opened her eyes only to feel those same tears fall uncontrollably down her cheeks. Why couldn't she stop remembering for just one night? She hadn't slept for months. The memories, the nightmares. It was to much. Every night she saw Sean die in her arms. She saw Amanda manipulate her into hurting the others. She watched herself become a monster again and again, every night. She wiped hastily at her eyes trying to pretend that her hands weren't shaking. She didn't have a right to cry. It was all her fault. She was the one that had hurt them.
Sighing heavily once again, the figure stood up and stumbled back onto the practice mats. Her exhausted body could barely function but it was enough to settle back into position and begin the workout again. Lunging and dodging as she kicked and punched at the air her breathing quickened and her vision blurred. With barely even a gasp she collapsed to the floor as what little energy she had vanished. She knew she was to drained to continue on but she stubbornly ignored the fact. Not willing to stop but still breathing heavily, she weakly rose to her knees and swayed unsteadily. Her balance was off however and she tumbled right back onto the mat as her vision tilted to the side. More tears threatened to escape her eyes and she felt like screaming, but she hadn't spoken for so long that she feared she might tear her throat if she made any noise.
Realizing that it was stupid to continue practice sparring she climbed to her feet, grabbed her things, and moved to the wash rooms connected to the training area, leaning against the walls as she made her way. The room was large with ten showers covering the entire right side, multiple toilets lining the opposite wall and a large sink furthest from the door. The walls were metal still, as well as the shower and toilet stalls, and the floor was covered in white tile.
She put her bag down near the door before pulling out a spare towel and turning on the water in the nearest shower to the door, not caring what temperature it was. Pulling a spare set of clothes from her training bag she put them by the shower and then stepped under the spray with a small shampoo bottle and a bar of soap grasped in her hands. She shivered at the cold.
Time moved sluggishly as her dull eyes stared at the floor. She scrubbed her head then rinsed, watching the suds empty through the drain before using the soap next and gently scrubbing at her skin. Her thoughts drifted away for a few moments as she robotically went through her routine. So out of focus was she that she didn't notice when the water suddenly became hot, taking on a tinge of red. Coming back to herself she was horrified to see that she was becoming covered in the sticky substance as it darkened in color. Blood. With a terrified shriek she pushed herself away from the spray and landed hard on the tiles outside of the shower.
Looking back up frantically, she was shocked to see that the red liquid had suddenly turned clear again. There was only water coming out of the pipes. She whipped her head around to see no traces of the blood that she had just seconds ago been drenched in. Had she imagined it? Grasping her head tightly she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to calm herself.
Leaning her head back to look at the ceiling she struggled to her feet once more and turned off the shower, wrapped the towel around herself and moved to put her clothes on, a pair of old recruit sweats and a tank top. She just wanted to go back to her room and pretend that she would be able to sleep. Picking up her bag she moved out of the wash area and into the halls, her steps were silent as she walked. She didn't want to wake anyone. She didn't want them to be anymore angry at her than they already were. The woman found her way to the recruit quarters and opened the door to hers with more difficulty than she remembered it ever having before. Maybe she was more tired than she originally thought.
The door slid shut behind her and she didn't hesitate to toss her bag onto the desk near the bed. She noticed tiredly that her room was practically empty. A twin bed with white sheets and a metal frame tucked in the far right corner, the metal desk now holding her bag up against the wall in front of the bed, and her clothing folded and placed on a shelf hanging on the opposite wall. Other than that sparse furniture the room was bare.
Looking at the bed she paused. She wasn't ready to sleep. The bed called though and she slowly found herself lying down in the sheets. Maybe this time she wouldn't have any nightmares. Just in case she tucked her hand between her teeth, where her thumb connected to her palm. This would stifle the screaming she decided. With that thought in mind she let herself sink into oblivion.
She found herself in the interrogation room viewing center. The metal room was cold and almost seemed to radiate shadows. Spinning around startled she looked through the window and down below. The room was lit brightly by the walls and seemed to fade to black towards the middle of the room. A figure stumbled out of the dark center and was swiftly joined by a demonic other. She could only stare as she realized the first figure was Ryan and the other...she swallowed thickly, was herself. She met the eyes of her dream self and began to shake in terror as pitch black eyes gazed back cruelly. Her dream self looked away and leered at Ryan before a gun suddenly appeared in her hands. She didn't flinch as she pointed it steadily at his chest.
The young woman still trapped in the viewing center threw herself at the window screaming and pounding on the glass; begging herself to see that Amanda was controlling her. That it wasn't really what she wanted to do. Her words fell on deaf ears as she watched herself pull the trigger once again. The room exploded in red and the window shattered outwards, throwing her back. When she could see straight again she saw that she was covered in cuts and blood. She climbed back onto her feet, not noticing her hand stinging more than the rest of her cuts.
Frantically searching the area, she found herself in a different location, a random hallway in Division. She spun around looking for anything familiar. Nothing stuck out until she spotted Nikita and Michael at the end of the hallway. She ran towards them, joyful that there was someone there to help her. They disappeared as soon as she got closer. She froze in shock. Where had they gone?
Their shadows washed over her and moved through the halls, leading her down multiple corridors as she tried to reach them but it was no use. With ever step she took towards them they took one away from her. The girl screamed out to them but they ignored her. Her footsteps slowed until they finally stopped altogether as she realized it was a futile effort to get near. She fell to her knees in despair only to hear a loud thud sound before her. Lifting her head from it's defeated position she viewed Birkoff on the ground with Sam hovering over him. She could just barely make out Sam's words.
"Alex sent me to you. She wanted to make sure you were taken care of." Sam leaned back with his foot firmly planted in Birkoff's stomach. His eyes widened, terrified, but before he could even plead with Sam to stop he pulled out his gun and a resounding blast echoed through the corridors. Birkoff's struggling ceased.
The woman screamed once more, that wasn't what she had wanted. She wanted him safe! She wanted Sam to help him. She hadn't wanted this. She fell to her knees staring wide eyed at the scene before her. Her hand began to burn and sting.
Footsteps speeding towards them broke her out of her trance momentarily and she turned to see Sonya speeding towards them. Once she took in what had happened she stilled. Sam's murderous gaze met Sonya's and as he raised his gun Sonya turned towards the figure still trembling on her knees.
"Alex, how could you let this happen?" Another shot rang out and Sonya's body collapsed to the ground. A soundless scream forced it's way out of her throat and the pain in her hand became to much to handle as she suddenly jerked awake.
Alex's POV 1st person
I gasped desperately as I awoke and fell sideways off the bed, disoriented. Landing painfully on the floor I struggled to breathe as the burning, shooting pain in my hand increased. I lifted it above my head only for something wet to land in droplets across my cheek. Squinting at my hand I saw that I had bitten into it hard enough to draw blood. I sat up only to see the bed smeared in red as well as the area immediately surrounding it. More blood bubbled up in the wound and I cursed to myself. Gathered my wits, I rushed over to the training bag from the night before and grabbed the towel. My wound throbbed and the burning increased as I pressed the towel into it firmly, trying to hold back my pained hiss of discomfort.
Completely ignoring my blood covered room I staggered into the hall and tripped towards the infirmary so that I could clean up and find some gauze. My footsteps were swift as I padded through the cold hallways and I silently wished that I had slipped on some shoes before journeying out of my room. The medical doors appeared before me and I moved in smoothly, beginning to dig through the drawers. I set the towel aside once I found the gauze and put my hand under the sink. A whimper escaped my lips and I quickly quieted myself. It was still early, maybe five in the morning. I didn't want to wake anyone up.
The water washed away the blood and I got a good look at the wound. It was deep, a crescent shaped hole almost deep enough for me to have bitten off my entire thumb. It didn't look like it needed stitches but it was a close call. I wrapped the gauze around the wound securely after it was dried. Once that was done I moved it experimentally only to hiss as it began to burn. Okay, no moving my right hand I noted to myself.
Now that the immediate threat had passed I threw the towel away as it was now useless. I cleaned the counters off and after glancing down at my tank top and sweats I decided that I was miraculously clean. Not a spot of blood on me. Now to just clean up my room. I moved to the door only to be stopped suddenly by Ryan. I froze, holding myself as still as a statue. I had forgotten, his office was near here. I must have woken him up, even if I was trying to be silent. He leered at me with hard eyes.
"What are you doing here Alex? Looking for some pills?" I flinched looking down. The dig hurt but coming from him it was definitely earned. I chose not to say anything knowing that he just wanted a reaction from me. He stared at me expectantly and I glanced up for a moment, still hiding most of my features. His eyes narrowed curiously at my face however. "Alex, what's on your cheek?" My hand came up instinctively and my fingers brushed across my face and came away slightly red. Rubbing at my cheek more earnestly I wiped the rest of the blood off. Looking back at him I simply shrugged, not wanting to explain. In all honesty, he probably wouldn't even care that I had nightmares every night about shooting him. That I had injured myself enough to draw blood in my sleep.
He looked at me suspiciously before stepping out of the way of the door. I moved quickly and ducked around him, grabbing an extra towel on the way out. Walking speedily back to my room I got to work cleaning right away. The blood came off the floor easily enough but the sheets were to bloodied to save. I stripped the bed of the sheets and made plans to dump them that night. If anyone were to see me carrying them around now they would ask questions that no one wanted the answer too. They didn't need to know how much this was affecting me.
Once the mess was cleaned up I sat on the edge of my bed wondering what to do. The others wouldn't want to see me. I didn't want to see myself. My thoughts turned to breakfast fleetingly and my stomach growled in response. Maybe if I went to the kitchen early I could avoid the others? With that thought I grabbed a set of real clothes and slipped on a flowing lavender shirt with black skinny jeans and a pair of brown boots that hugged my calfs. A dangly necklace completed the outfit and I moved to my makeup. If I were to run into someone I didn't want them to see the bags under my eyes. I was surprised Ryan didn't say something, although thinking on it, maybe I wasn't.
Cover up hid the worst of it and a bit of blush and eyeshadow directed attention away from what couldn't be hidden. The blush gave my pale features some color. Looking in the mirror I actually looked presentable. I broke my gaze away from the mirror and pulled my wavy hair into a high ponytail. With one more glance at the mirror I grabbed my phone, walked out of the room and stepped into the elevator to make my way to the kitchen. It shouldn't have surprised me that when the doors opened Birkoff and Sonya were already sitting down to eat.
Their gaze landed on me for an instant before Sonya turned quickly away and Birkoff's curious look turned into a glare as he scooted closer to Sonya protectively. The tension in the air was thick and I had half a mind to just stay in the elevator and go back to my room but my stomach growled again and I knew I couldn't wait. Being cautious of the two computer wizards I walked around them giving them a good ten feet between them and I. I reached for the bread and butter before moving to the toaster. With difficulty due to my right hand I was able to open the bag but obviously not fast enough.
"Do you have to draw this out Alex?" Birkoff asked exasperated. My back was turned to them so they didn't see me bite my lip as punishment for myself. I opened my mouth to respond but all I could get out was a raspy, "sorry." My voice was crackly from misuse and screaming every night.
I didn't turn to see their reaction but I knew that Birkoff was glaring at the back of my head and Sonya was cowering in her seat trying to avoid me. It only made my shoulders slump.
Putting the bread into the toaster I moved to the pantry and pulled out a box of cereal. I didn't look to see what kind, I just wanted to get out of there. Putting a bowl on the counter, I poured a serving with my left hand and tried to ignore Birkoff and Sonya staring at me. I quickly poured some milk in as well and hurriedly ate what I could before the toast finished. When the buzzer went off I moved to grab the toast, burning the tips of my fingers from grabbing them to quickly. I let go of it and bit back a yelp. My day just got better and better, didn't it?
Trying again I buttered the slice and bit into it. Glancing over at the two hackers I could see that they were still staring at me and my shoulders slouched even further. Didn't they know that I understood? I was obviously encroaching on their moment, I didn't want to be here anymore than they wanted me here. I just needed to eat something today before I disappeared.
Halfway through my toast the elevator doors opened again and Nikita and Michael walked out. I ducked my head down and avoided their view. Through my bangs I thought I saw Sonya glance at me one last time worriedly before turning towards the two newest additions with a warm smile. I sighed silently and finished my toast letting the two couples talk. So much for avoiding everyone, I thought, although Nikita wasn't so bad. She still wanted me here for whatever reason and that was probably the only reason I stayed when I knew that it hurt the others to have me near. I just wished that maybe Nikita would notice me a bit more often. The only times we really talked was when Michael wasn't there or when Amanda wasn't pulling some crazy scheme. Neither of which happened very often.
I moved back to my cereal and ate what was left of the soggy wheat. Putting my dish in the sink and cleaning up the crumbs I had created I silently made my way over to the elevator and slid in unnoticed. The doors closed and I heaved a sigh as I slouched against the back wall. Now it was time to disappear. Leaning forward to reach the buttons I waited for the elevator doors to open on the correct floor.
The feel of air rushing into the elevator told me to lift my head and I saw that I was on the right level. Stepping out I moved silently through the maze until the vent came into view. The same vent that led to the outside. The same one that opened hundreds of feet above Percy's past prison.
I breathed deeply and opened the grate before crawling into it. Soundlessly I made my way to the next opening. I stood up fully as I came out of the tunnel and looked around at the dark pit. The light was dim as it's source was well below me and I could just barely make out the opposite side of the chute. I sat down on the metal walkway and leaned back against the wall. This day was already dragging on longer than I wanted and I was sure that it wasn't even past nine. This was how I had spent the last month. Hiding. After trying to apologize and plead with the others to listen I realized it was useless. My head fell backwards as I remembered.
I had seen Birkoff in the hall and run to meet him.
"Birkoff, hey wait up." I sped forward when he didn't turn around thinking that he hadn't heard me. "Birkoff, what..." I didn't get to finish my thought when he suddenly spun around and glared at me.
"Look Alex, I get it, you weren't yourself or whatever. That doesn't mean that we can go right back to being buddies again. You still hurt me, hurt Sonya," he huffed as he ran his hand through his hair, "You hurt all of us Alex. I'm not willing to forget that so easily. Just...don't talk to me for a bit, Sonya either. She's still shaken up by what happened." With those last words he turned back around and continued on his way. I looked on in shock for a few moments. He couldn't possibly mean it, he was just having a bad day right? He couldn't possibly blame me for what happened? I would try again later that week and hopefully he would be in a better mood. He couldn't possibly be mad at me for something Amanda manipulated me into doing.
I had obviously thought wrong. Any attempt to speak with him were met with glares and the cold shoulder or a convenient turn in the hallways, always leading away from me. I stopped trying after the third week.
Nikita had been so convincing when she told me that it wasn't my fault. I had almost believed her. Seeing Birkoff's reaction now though, I knew better. No matter what hand Amanda had in my actions at the end of the day I was the one that shot Ryan. I was the one that pushed Sean and Michael away. I was the one that almost got everyone killed.
I haven't tried talking to Sonya after my first attempt. I had been walking through ops and noticed Sonya walking towards me, focused on her tablet.
"Hey Sonya, wow!" Sonya had jumped so high that the tablet had leapt from her hands and spiraled through the air. My reflexes barely kept it from shattering across the floor. Sighing in relief I had smiled at Sonya and chuckled. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you that badly." I couldn't help my eyes from narrowing in concern as I watched Sonya's breathing speed up. "Hey, are you okay?" I had moved forwards worriedly and Sonya had jumped three feet back.
"I-I'm fine Alex. I just...can I have my tablet back?" I looked down at my hands to see I still had the tablet in my grasp.
"Oh, uh...sure." I held my hand out with the tablet and Sonya flinched. It was then that I finally realized that Sonya was terrified of me. I almost burst into tears then and there. Sonya didn't make a move to take the tablet back and I tried to hide my watery smile. I couldn't hide the wobble in my voice though as I tried to speak more softly. "How about..." I moved my hand slowly back and set the tablet on one of the computer consuls next to us. Stepping away slowly, I tried not to scare her anymore. I couldn't look her in the eyes. "I-I'm sorry Sonya." She flinched once more as I walked past her and I bit my cheek to avoid sobbing.
I had been much more cautious with Ryan. I knew he was still angry about me shooting him but I had only wanted to apologize. I knocked on his office door hesitantly. A muffled "come in" was my answer and I pushed the door open quietly. He glanced up and I could almost feel the ice from his glare pinning me to the spot.
"Alex, what do you need?" I swallowed thickly.
"I...I wanted to apologize. For what I did. I wasn't thinking clearly but that shouldn't be an excuse. I-" He cut me off harshly.
"You're right. It isn't an excuse. You shot me Alex," I flinched, "I can't trust you anymore. Just, please leave Alex. I really am not ready to talk about this." I nodded. What else could I say or do to convince him that I truly was sorry?
"Okay, I, I really am sorry. If there's anything that I can do to help then-," he cut me off once more.
"Alex!" He yelled. I stopped and looked at him with wide eyes, "Just leave."
"I just, I..."
"Alex, I have half a mind to force you onto the elevator and forbidding you from ever coming back to Division. So don't test me. Are we clear?" I could only stare at him. He turned back to his paperwork and I let myself out of his office making a new plan to avoid him so he couldn't ever act on his threat. I don't know what I would do without Division, but more importantly, the family I had created here. Granted, they were angry at me and ignoring me but even that was better than being alone again. Truly alone. Where would I go? Who would I even be without them?
I had almost not even tried talking with Michael and Nikita because I wasn't sure who to go to. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle Nikita's disappointment. But Michael was even more important to her and if he wasn't okay with me then I didn't have much of a chance.
It turns out that I didn't have to try. Michael wouldn't look at me. Wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't even acknowledge me when I was in the same room as him. He was obviously still angry at my betrayal of Nikita. I couldn't blame him. And Nikita herself...
My thoughts were interrupted when my phone began to ring. Surprised I dug in my back pocket and pulled the phone up to my ear as I answered. When was the last time someone had willingly wanted to talk to me? Nikita's voice filtered through the phone and her words made my heart drop.
"Alex, I need you up in ops. Amanda has made a house call and refuses to speak unless all the family is present. Her words not mine." The call ended before I could respond. I stared straight ahead as my hand fell slowly to my side. They only needed me because of Amanda?
Her words, a house call, a family. It felt like she was trying to tear me apart before I even saw her. I could see right through her this time though and knew she was trying to hurt me further. She must know what had happened, how the others were treating me. She had set all of this up, I'm sure. She wanted to stretch me to my limit but I don't think she realized I was well past it already.
I hadn't talked to a soul for months, because the only people I had contact with hated every portion of my being. I hadn't slept a full night in months because I had nightmares that only seemed to show me the monster that dwelt in my soul. I exhausted myself to the point of passing out every night in the hopes that I would sleep for just a few minutes more than the last. My family had abandoned me. I had killed my boyfriend.
I knew that the proverbial Russian doll Amanda described me as had cast off another metaphorical layer only to reveal the broken and scarred inside, the part no one wanted. The part that wasn't worth peeling back all the other layers for. I climbed to my feet and prepared myself for what was coming. I wasn't going to let Amanda see how broken I truly was.
Nikita's POV 1st person
After Michael had been kind enough to make omelets for breakfast we cleaned the dishes and made our way up to operations where Ryan was waiting.
"Alright, we still need to work out the last bugs in Shadow Net but it should be back up and running by now." Birkoff mentioned. Moving to sit at the computer console his fingers flew across the keyboard. I could only watch in amusement as he mumbled to himself. Sonya sighed good naturally before moving to help him. Ryan turned to me.
"Good, that means that we can finally get back on Amanda's trail and pick up some leads." I nodded thinking of all the torture that I would finally inflict on that psychopath. Michael's arms came to wrap around my waist from behind and I leaned into it. I Looked around at the scene in front of me and smiled before I realized something was missing, or rather, someone.
"Where's Alex?" As if the name itself was taboo everyone paused what they were doing for a moment before continuing silently. I looked at them in confusion. "Guys, where is she?"
Birkoff grunted, "She was in the kitchen this morning when you walked in."
"Was she? I didn't notice." Michael lent him chin on my shoulder hugging me closer.
"Probably because you were to busy thinking about those delicious omelets," he offered.
"She did disappear pretty quickly." Sonya remembered. I nodded, not bothering to think on it much more.
"Alright, let's get to work then. I'll find her later." With my last words everyone began their separate jobs, Birkoff and Sonya at the computers fixing Shadow Net, Ryan working on his latest insanity board, and me and Michael looking for any leads that could point us towards Amanda. With Shadow Net finally working we could actually make some progress.
The last few months had been slow going because we couldn't get anything done. If Alex had just left it alone we might have already found Amanda. I shook the thought out of my head. It wasn't her fault. Still, I couldn't help but feel bitter towards her. Couldn't she have just told me something was wrong? We could have avoided all of this. My thoughts were interrupted by Sonya.
"We just got a video call from an unknown source. I think it might be Amanda." Everyone looked at her. Why would Amanda be calling? I motioned for her to put the call on the big screen and as the transmition came through we were all greeted with the image of the red head that had made our lives so difficult.
"Hello Nikita," she drawled, "Oh, it's so good to see all of you. I haven't been able to get ahold of you since Shadow Net went down. Pity that. But now that it's up and running I decided to make a house call. Sadly, I can't be there in person though so this will have to do."
"Of course, we understand. After all, I'd be the first one to put a bullet in you if you were to walk through those doors." She chuckled as if I had just told an amusing joke.
"Oh Nikita, you're funny, truly, you are," She looked around at the others and her eyes took one a fake concerned gaze, "Oh dear, where is Alex? If I'm making a house call all of the family has to be present. It's just rude if otherwise. Why don't you call her Nikita? I want to see her."
Ryan jumped in, "Why her? Planning on doing something else?" Amanda had a true look of confusion on her face for a moment before it morphed into a predatory smile.
"Why so worried about it? Still don't trust the poor girl?" He broke gaze with the screen as everyone around me shuffled uncomfortable. What? I looked at them but none of them would look me in the eyes. Amanda made a tutting noise with her tongue. "How much have you made her suffer? Especially for something that she couldn't control?" I cut off the conversation by pulling out my phone and dialing Alex's number. After a few seconds I heard the click meaning that she had picked up and hurriedly explained that we needed her before hanging up.
Amanda laughed once more, "I'm not sure why Alex is staying anymore if that's how you treat her. Did she even have any time to respond?" I ignored her and waited patiently.
Alex entered quietly. So quietly that if I wouldn't have been waiting for her I would have never heard her. I looked at her and immediately could tell that something was wrong. On the surface she looked fine, nice clothes, head up and confident steps but one look at her eyes told me otherwise. They looked broken. Absolutely shattered. How had I missed this? Alex came and stood a few feet behind the group.
"Hello Alex, long time no see." Amanda studied her suspiciously, "Come closer Alex. We are family after all." Alex hesitated and glanced fleetingly at Sonya who I noticed had stiffened. Slowly Alex came forward trying to avoid getting any closer to Sonya than necessary. With ever small step forward I saw Sonya flinch. Alex looked at the floor biting her lip when she saw this.
Amanda saw the same thing and smiled wider then turned to me. "Are you really so focused on finding me that you don't notice what is happening right under your nose?" I didn't have an answer. Looking at the others I could see the obvious tension blanketing the room. Birkoff was openly glaring, Sonya was shaking even being in the same room as her, Michael was ignoring her, and Ryan had his suspicious gaze pointed at her, the one that said he didn't trust her.
Looking back at Alex I could tell that she had noticed all of this but was trying not to let it bother her. Her gaze with Amanda was steady but I could see her shoulders drooping and...was that a bandage on her hand? And burns on her fingers? Looking more closely I could see faint bags under her eyes and I suddenly wondered when the last time she had slept was. How could I have been so oblivious to all of this? I turned back to the screen.
"Amanda, I hate to be a bad host but I'm going to have to ask that you skip the chit chat and tell us the true reason you called." Amanda's gaze finally left Alex's and met mine.
"I didn't say I had anything to talk with you about. I just wanted to see how everyone was. Now that I know I guess that I'll just be going." Before any of us could react the video cut out and we were left in silence. In another instant I heard stumbled footsteps backpedal away from the group and out of the room hurriedly. Turning I saw the others breath a collective sigh of relief. Alex had disappeared. I looked at them incredulously.
"What was that?! Why are you all treating Alex like she's the plague?!" No one answered, "Seriously?! I want to know!"
Birkoff was the first one to speak, "She almost got me killed Nikita. And she hurt Sonya. I can't let that go." I looked at him with my mouth gaping.
"Nerd, that's not fair and you know it. She didn't mean for any of that to happen. She was trying to save everyone and it didn't work. Besides, how many times have I almost gotten you killed? We're still friends." He looked away and didn't respond. I looked to Sonya.
"I know, she didn't mean for any of that to happen I do. I just, every time I see her I think of her shooting Ryan and then I think of Sean... It just scares me Nikita." Sonya answered. I nodded.
"I get it but Sonya, she looked like she was about to cry every time you flinched away from her. She didn't mean to hurt anyone. I know it." I tried to sooth.
"I'm going to disagree," Ryan cut in, "She shot me. Knowingly. I can't trust her not to do it again. Besides, we don't even know if Amanda did anything else to her. What then?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"She did those things because Amanda was manipulating her. Not because she wanted to. She was crying over you while you were in the infirmary. Did you know that? She regretted it. And we've already established that if you don't trust Alex you can't trust me. I was on Amanda's table as well." He looked down and I hoped he felt ashamed of himself. I turned to Michael. he wouldn't meet my eyes as he spoke.
"She betrayed us Nikita. She betrayed you. After everything that you've done to help her. It's not fair to you." I walked up to him and turned his face so he was looking right into my eyes.
"She. Wasn't. Herself. That's it. She didn't mean to do anything that she did." He looked away with his jaw set and I knew that I wasn't getting through to him. I looked around the room and could see that I hadn't reached any of them. I stepped back from Michael before Nerd spoke up.
"You're one to talk Nikita. You've been ignoring her just as much as Michael and us have. What's you excuse for that?" I stared at him for a moment thinking on his words. Had I really been ignoring her? I hadn't meant too but looking back on my actions and early thoughts I felt like slapping myself.
"Okay fine, I messed up and I admit that. I'm going to go find her. Does anyone want to join me and apologize?" All I received were blank stares,"Fine. Be that way. I'm going to go make sure that she is okay."
I stomped out of the room and into the elevator ready to go down to the recruit quarters. It was where we were all staying for the time being. Moving down the hall I reached her door and knocked. When no answer came I knocked again before pushing the door open. I was saddened to see that she wasn't in the room and was about to walk out when I saw the bloody mass in the corner. Startled and panicked, I rushed over to see that all of her sheets were covered in blood. When had this happened? I picked them up to feel they were still damp and realized that the bandage on her hand must be connected to this. Gathering the sheets in my arms I left the room. It looked like the blood had already been cleaned up everywhere but the sheets so I left and went in search of our resident heiress after I disposed of them.
I searched for hours. There was no sign of her or clue as to where she might have been. I checked every level and every room and still couldn't find a trace of her. Getting nervous I made my way back to ops and looked around the room. It was just as I had left it. Everyone was working. Everyone was there. Except for Alex. I pulled out my phone in a last ditch effort to contact her. My foot tapped impatiently as I waited for her to pick up. The only sound was silence and I put my phone back in my pocket frustrated. Where could she possibly be?
Alex's POV 1st person
Sitting back in the pit I reflected on everyone's various reactions, but mostly Nikita's. She had been so confused when she saw how the others were looking at me. But that couldn't be right, she was ignoring me just as much as the others. Why would she be so surprised when she saw it?
A small part of me hoped that maybe she had just not noticed because she was so busy searching for Amanda. That would explain why she was ignoring me as well. My hope slowly died though as I realized that it was to good to be true. In all honesty, she was probably blaming me for taking down Shadow Net in the first place. If I hadn't done so, she might have already found Amanda by now.
I sat alone letting my thoughts drown me in guilt when suddenly, my phone went off again. I fumbled taking it out and stared at Nikita's name flashing across the screen. Gazing at it in awe I almost answered it before I realized that I couldn't talk. My voice was to abused. And what would Nikita actually want to talk to me about. Amanda? I set my phone aside.
Nikita's POV 1st person
Looking at the clock, we noticed it was time to make dinner so we shuffled our way into the kitchen and began to cook. My thoughts wondered continually as I thought about Alex and didn't clear until I was halfway through my meal, tacos I realized foggily.
I voiced one the questions that had been at the forefront of my thoughts. "When was the last time any of us talked to Alex?" I didn't get a verbal answer but the flighty glances at one another told me all that I needed to know, "Alright."
"Why are you asking, didn't you find her?" Michael asked. I shook my head in the negative. He looked at me in shock, "But you were looking all day!" Suddenly I didn't feel hungry.
"Yeah, I was." The others glanced at one another uneasily as I pushed my chair back, put my extra tacos on another plate for whenever Alex came to eat, and made my way onto the elevator. Moving to the recruit rooms once again I was about to walk into mine before I realized that Alex didn't have any sheets still. I opened one of the spare closets hidden in the hall and pulled out some extras before moving into her room to make up the bed. Once they were on I stared at them for a moment wondering what had caused her to injure her hand so severely, before striding out of the room and into mine. I didn't bother changing but just laid on my bed.
It had been three months since Division had lost all of its agents. Three months since Alex had been manipulated. Three months since I had talked to her, since anyone had talked to her apparently. I hated myself for not noticing her. For not seeing the pain she was in. My thoughts continued to follow this tangent until they, and I, slipped into oblivion.
I awoke suddenly when I heard shuffling pass by my door. Jumping to my feet, gun in hand, I moved closer towards the sound. With careful movements I opened the door to see that the lights had been turned down and the hallway was empty. It must be night now. Moving out into the hall I followed the quiet rhythm of footsteps. Who would be up so late? I found my answer as I entered the training room. Hiding behind the wall, I watched as Alex moved to the boxing station on the far side of the room. Her breathing was a bit ragged as she went to work.
Her punches had no power, her footwork was sloppy. Obviously she wasn't at a hundred percent. She continued this for hours, just punching and kicking out in an endless loop. Only when she tripped over her feet and tumbled to the ground did she pause. She groaned and hissed in pain, grabbing her right hand and holding it to her chest as she turned onto her left side and curled into herself slightly. It hurt just to watch.
Getting back to her feet unsteadily she moved to the training mats and got into a weak stance and began practicing combat poses. She was covered in sweat and breathing heavily as she continued for hours more. She was working herself to exhaustion I realized. Going till she couldn't go any further. But why?
Another hour passed and I glanced at the clock to see it read two in the morning. Yet another hour passed before Alex finally collapsed to the mat dry heaving. I wanted nothing more than to run towards her and help her but I knew it wouldn't really be beneficial. I needed to know what she was doing first.
My thoughts were interrupted as I heard her start to sob. Heavy, body wrenching sobs that didn't seem to be subsiding. She ran her hands through her hair pulling on it as she continued to cry. I couldn't help but let some tears of my own fall. She didn't deserve this. She was obviously punishing herself for what she had no control over.
After crying and wiping her tears away shakily she moved to the wash room and came back out fifteen minutes later looking less sweaty at least, but with no makeup on her face I could finally see her gaunt features. Her face was pale and there were dark shadows under her eyes. I was reminded of when she was still a junkie. The dead eyes only completed the look.
I followed her back to her room. She was to exhausted to notice me. When the door to her bedroom finally closed I glanced in the window to see her lay in the bed but not before putting her bandaged hand in her mouth. I didn't think much of it as she passed out soon after. I turned from the door and slid down the wall. Had she been doing this every night? Why didn't I notice? I scoffed at myself. Apparently, I didn't notice a lot of things as of late. I put my head in my hands and sighed. I was just as bad as the others. I had been ignoring her. I hadn't tried to find her and make sure that she was okay before today. I cursed myself.
A whimper echoed through the halls and I stumbled to my feet running into Alex's room where the sound had originated. I saw Alex and immediately knew she was in the middle of a nightmare. She was shaking violently and crying out in pain. I moved to the bed to see that she was biting on her hand hard enough to almost draw blood and it suddenly hit me where the dirty sheets had come from yesterday. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I moved her hand out of her mouth to avoid her injuring herself anymore. Now that the whimpers weren't muffled I could make out words.
"Aman'a no, don' wan' to," I ran my hand through her hair soothingly, "Michael, please. I'm sorry. Sean." She slurred. A bloodcurdling scream ripped through the night as Alex suddenly sat up in the bed breathing sporadically. I tried to reach out to her to help somehow, but she wasn't expecting me there and she pushed me away as she tried to squeeze into the corner.
"Alex, hey, it's okay. It was just a nightmare. It's over." Her vision cleared the slightest.
"Nikita?" She rasped out before coughing. I hurried to her training bag and found a spare water bottle before moving back to the bed. I handed it to her and she grasped it uncertainly then opened it and drank greedily. Once she set it down I saw her look at the doorway and when I turned I was surprised to see the others standing there. So was Alex I noticed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you guys up. You can go back to sleep. It won't happen again, promise." She grated out.
I stared at her. Was this what she thought we were here for? To yell at her or something?
"Alex, that's not the problem." She looked at me surprised, then the others. Her eyes fell to the floor.
"Oh, so you finally... Ok, I'm gone. I'll uh, I'll pack my bags. It shouldn't take more than an hour." She moved to get off the bed but I pushed her back down.
"Who in the world even put that thought in your head? Oh course we don't want you gone." Alex glanced at the doorway and I followed her gaze. Ryan moved uncomfortably, "Ryan?"
"I didn't mean it. I just, I don't know. It just came out," he looked at Alex, "I thought that you forgot about it honestly." I felt like slapping him. Telling the person that had never had a home before this that they weren't wanted by the one family they felt apart of was not going to be forgotten. I glared at him then turned back to Alex.
"Alex, we want you here. It's just that none of us have done a great job of proving it." I looked towards the group still standing in the doorway and they nodded hesitantly. Turning back to Alex I could see she wasn't convinced. Honestly, after that, I wouldn't feel very confident either. I put my hand on her cheek and stared into her eyes as I sat next to her on the bed.
"I want you here Alex, nothing could ever change that." She looked down at her hands as I went on. "Will you please tell us what's wrong?"
"It was just a nightmare Nikita. I-I'm fine. Real-," she was cut off by a sob and I saw tears start to dribble down her cheeks.
"Alex," I sighed as I wrapped my arms around her. She didn't struggle as I pulled her towards me and tucked her head under my chin. It was times like this that I realized she was just a kid forced into a world of guns and death. I wished that she could have had a better childhood, a better life. She didn't deserve this. I pulled her close as her sobs subsided gradually and gently began to rock her back and forth. Tears still streamed down her face as I voiced a thought.
"Why were you in the training room earlier?" She tensed.
"I didn't realize that you were there. I, um, I sleep better when I'm exhausted. I was just trying to burn off some energy," She mumbled.
"Alex, you were exercising for hours. And you only slept for thirty minutes at most. Do you know how harmful that is to you?" I exclaimed.
"Well, I didn't say it was a perfect system."
"And your hand?" I pressed.
"I didn't want to wake any of you up with my screaming. It muffled the noise if I bit on it."
"Let me look at it,"she hesitantly held it out for me to see. I undid the bandage to see that it was a deep bite wound, almost deep enough to need stitches. "Alex, this is really bad. You could have bitten off your thumb entirely."
The room was quiet after this declaration and I watched as the group hesitantly moved from the doorway into the room, the door closing silently behind them. They sat on the floor around the bed as I shifted Alex in my arms, moving so that my back was leaning against the wall, Alex was leaning against me, and our legs were spread across the rest of the bed. Michael pulled the sheets over top of us and I smiled at him in gratitude. It wasn't long before Alex's breathing evened out and her eyes closed. I let out the breath that I didn't know I was even holding before looking at the others.
Nerd tried to crack a joke and as always it fell flat, "Wow, I don't even know why I was so scared of her. She can't even keep her eyes open." I opened my mouth to tell him off for being an idiot in the first place and making her feel like this was okay but paused. I could tell from his expression that he didn't know what to do. He had been so convinced that she would hurt them again that he never even thought about the negative effect he was having on Alex. Looking at the others I could see that they were coming to the same epiphany. No one had thought about Alex but now that she was right in front of them in this condition they could see how terribly they had been treating her. How badly we all had been treating her. Maybe now the worst had passed? A few minutes later and I realized that I had spoken to soon.
Alex jerked in my arms startling me out of my thoughts and forcing me to tighten my grip. The others tensed, ready to help if I lost my hold. A small yelp escaped her lips and her fingers twitched. She jerked again kicking the sheets off. I held on tighter. Her back arched as a shrill scream tore from her lips. Alex awoke with a violent shutter as she turned to the side and her head fell over the edge of the bed. She began to dry heave, gasping for breath as even more tears fell to the floor. I rubbed her back as she calmed down and her breathing steadied. Her eyes were wild and I could tell she was still stuck in her dream.
"Alex," she turned towards me startled and her eyes widened. She pushed herself away from me and would have fallen off the bed had Michael not been ready to catch her. He hugged her to his chest as he sat down on the bed. Still delirious, Alex began to pound weakly on his chest.
"Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please!" The words broke into a sob as her fighting ceased and she collapsed into his arms. "I killed you. I killed all of you. You hate me. Please. I can't take it anymore." Her words were quiet and strained. I felt tears of my own trail down my cheeks as I ran my hand up and down her back. Michael sighed and held her closer, tears of his own dancing in his eyes.
"Alex, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered. She shook in his arms clutching at his shirt. Michael looked at me and my heart broke seeing his broken expression. I moved forward and wrapped them both in a gentle hug. Alex's shaking subsided eventually and I turned her face towards mine.
"We're still here Alex. You didn't kill anyone. Look." Her eyes darted towards the others and then back to mine. "But Sean..," another choked sob came and all I could do was hold her.
"It wasn't your fault Alex. It was Amanda and Rachel and everyone one else that pulled a gun on the others. Not yours. You were just trying to save everyone." Alex sniffled against my shoulder and I waited patiently. I knew how I had felt after Daniel's death, Alex must be feeling the same way. She breathed in deeply before pulling away.
Sonya stood up behind me and moved so that she was knelt in front of Alex. Alex looked at her in complete shock before her attention shifted and she began speaking quickly.
"Wh-what are you doing? You're still scared of me! Don't force yourself to be over here. You can leave the room if you want I'm not going to make you stay here. It's better if you just leave. I'm sorry-," Sonya leaned forward and joined the hug. I loosened my grip as Michael did the same until it was just Sonya holding a flabbergasted Alex.
"I'm sorry Alex. I was so focused on what you had done and the events it created that I didn't think of what I must be doing to you. Of what you must be going through. I'm so, so sorry." Alex stilled at the words before wrapping her own arms around Sonya. When she didn't flinch or stiffen Alex rested her head on Sonya's shoulder.
"It's, um, okay. I understand." Sonya pulled away slowly and smiled sincerely at her before sitting back down next to the bed. Nerd shuffled uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry too. I was so worried about you hurting us that I didn't think that maybe you were hurting more. Honestly, I didn't even think about how cruel and unjust I was being towards you." Alex nodded.
"No, it's... it's okay, really." She replied weakly. She looked so confused and I reached forwards for another hug which she was to stunned to deny. "Nikita," she whispered in my ear, "what's going on?" I pulled away and looked into her uncertain eyes. Did she really not understand that it wasn't her fault? That we were apologizing for being so unfair towards her? As if reading my thoughts Ryan answered.
"We are apologizing for ever making you think that what Amanda did was your fault, because it wasn't." Ryan interrupted. Alex turned towards him.
"So what you said before?" She asked uncertainly.
"I never meant it. I was just bitter about being shot but honestly, it left an awesome scar that I can show off to the ladies." He winked. Michael looked at him unimpressed.
"You mean, if you ever left your desk." That got a good laugh from everyone and the serious atmosphere lessened. We settled into a comfortable silence as our worries slipped away and our bond became the slightest bit stronger. We wouldn't let something like this come between us again.
I noticed Alex slowly slump backwards and I motioned to Michael so he would see as well. He chuckled to himself and I caught a mumbled, "both of you, always working until you drop," before he moved to catch her as she tumbled fully back. She landed against his chest and blinked as if just realizing she had fallen. Her exhaustion must be catching up with her.
Michael shuffled back so he was leaning against the wall besides me and moved Alex so that she rested between us. Her head came to rest on his shoulder and her legs overlapped mine. I pulled the sheets back over her and she finally seemed to take in what was happening.
"'Kita, I don' wanna sleep. I'm fine. Besi'es, you saw wha' happe'd. I'll just have 'nother ni'mare," Alex slurred out tiredly. She pushed the sheets weakly away and I pulled them up again immediately, looking at her knowingly.
"Alex, you haven't slept a full night in months. Like I'm going to let that continue," I scoffed.
"And don't worry about nightmares. Now that she knows about them Nikita will fight them off before they even start." Michael smiled at her. Alex laughed breathlessly.
"Yeah, she woul' do that, wouldn' she?" Her eyes were closed now as she fought a loosing battle. Me and Michael shared a smile over her head. I felt like I was taking care of a whiny five year old. We were interrupted by one last mumbled commentary.
"You bet'r no' be making kissy faces a' each other." I tried to ignore Ryan, Sonya, and Nerd as they suddenly exploded into a coughing fit to hide their laughter. Even Michael's shoulders shook slightly causing Alex to groan in discomfort. I pulled her towards me when I saw he wouldn't be stopping for a while longer. Once she was resting on me a small sigh sounded and her weight leaned into me fully. She had finally fallen asleep. I waited ten minutes more before I felt it safe to assume she wouldn't have any nightmares.
I looked at Michael one last time before finding his hand and holding it in my own. My head leant against the wall as my eyes closed, finally feeling the presence of my adopted family in all its entirety.
Alex slept for nearly twenty four hours straight before finally stirring. Throughout the day each one of us had sat and looked over her to make sure her nightmares didn't suddenly appear and it happened to be my turn when she finally opened her eyes. She blinked at me slowly and I smiled down at her.
"Hey, what are you doing...oh, right." She must have remembered the events of yesterday.
"I told you, I'm going to fight off the nightmares." She stared at me shocked, before she grinned and launched herself into my arms. I held her tightly. "Alex, I'm sorry for ever making you feel like I was ignoring you. I just got so caught up in finding Amanda that I didn't think about anything else. That's not an excuse though. I'm sorry." She pulled away and looked me in the eyes.
"I think knowing that you didn't mean to makes up for it. And now that the others aren't angry at me anymore maybe..," she hesitated, "things can go back to the way they were before?" I hugged her once again and nodded.
"Yeah, that sounds good," we sat like that for a couple moments more before I asked, "Why don't we go get breakfast? I know it's early but I think the others are already making pancakes." We stood up together and walked in comfortable silence to the elevator. I stepped in and turned to see Alex still in the hall looking at the elevator with nervous flighty eyes.
"Alex?" I spoke questioningly. She jumped and looked at me with wavering courage.
"Im okay. Its just... I've been avoiding all of you for so long that it just feels weird jumping right back into the old routine." I grabbed her wrist gently and led her into the elevator before the doors closed and it began to rise.
"Alex, I promise that we will never treat you like that again. Ever. We care about you. We love you. You're practically my daughter. You're everyone's adopted little sister. You have a place here. We're not going to let you forget that. Okay?" Her eyes filled with tears and she gave me a watery smile.
"Okay." The elevator doors opened and the scent of bacon, eggs, and syrupy carbs wafted in. Alex's stomach growled loudly and I hid my affectionate smile as we walked towards the sound of pots and pans. I nudged her forwards as her steps faltered and sat besides her at the island. The others were just finishing the meal and looked at us with grins.
"Alex! We weren't sure you'd be awake yet. Good thing we made you a plate anyway." Ryan set a plate in front of her that anyone could tell had been specially prepared. A large glass of orange juice sat besides the pancakes that were baked fluffy and dense, butter melting on top with whipped cream, strawberries, and syrup drenching the stack. Scrambled eggs took up the other past of the dish and a bottle of ketchup was placed next to the plate. Bacon was fried to perfection, still sizzling just the slightest bit as the whole plate steamed. The meal had just come off the skillet.
Everyone took their seats and Michael sat besides me handing me a plate of my own. None of the same detail was present on mine as was on Alex's but I couldn't complain. She really needed this. Looking at her was almost like looking at the sun, that was how bright her smile was.
I nodded imperceptibly at the others. This was a good first step to redeeming ourselves. As conversation picked up between everyone and Alex became included I couldn't have wished for anything else. Our little family was finally coming back together.