On the day of Mello's funeral, heaven granted a silent gift for him.
It snowed, rather all of a sudden, and you could say that people enjoyed it - the cold droplets of white raining on them as they walked; the feeling of new birth approaching them as the month let on.
Though, I can only wonder if Mello ever liked the snow. Cold and colorless, a complete contrast of his entire essence. Knowing Mello, he could've hated the freezing weather all those years ago for he is deprived from playing to his heart's content outside, and he would've hated it just as much when he is all alone in the confines of a torn-down, empty apartment; unsure of what the future will bring for him. It must've been too claustrophobic for the blazing fire in him.
"I hate you."
Until now, his words ring into my ears as if he had only said it to me moments ago. I have taken for granted all those years he would comes storming in my room, shouting into my ears of how he could've beaten me and just how he seethed my existence. This very present, all I can think about is the past, and I admit that I do grow overly sentimental at times even though I'll never voice out loud.
It is ironic how the person he loathed the most in the world would be the only one to stand on his grave in melancholy over his passing. None of what he used to call friends are in sight and neither is his mafia associates that I do deem impossible. At the end, it was only me - only me and him.
"Say, Mello..." The snow dropped on my shoulders slowly by each second as if to sync with my heavy chest; my eyes closed in ought to look for his scorching presence until now. It does not seem rational enough yet no matter how far he is, or whether he is half the world away, I would still feel his heat anyhow.
"Don't you just hate the snow?" Like you hated me. Like you hated my impassive nature and my logical, figurative way of thinking. You despised my blank and meaningless perfection and my words that only did justice to hurting you.
"Perhaps I never told you, but not a single part of me saw you as anything evil."
I did think that maybe if you pained me enough, then I would grow to do reciprocate your hatred. However, I never did, and if only I cab ask you if you're surprised as well.
"This is very unbecoming of me." I managed to say.
"I am supposed to be here to flaunt you a list of your miscalculations and how you are utterly stupid for doing this to yourself." I sat on the wet ground, my fingers trailing on the engraved words : 'Here lies Mihael Keehl'.
"...but I can't." The mask I've carefully and aesthetically built over the years began to crumble in a matter of seconds. I thought that emotions will never occur to me, and that I will always handle them so well as to not to surface. Yet again, you always prove me wrong too, Mello.
"...I don't know what to say." I inhaled a shaky breath. "I...I don't...I don't know.." I stuttered. I was at loss for words, Mello's absence engulfing me whole. I clasped my hands to my mouth, afraid of the stifling cries that threatened to come out of my lips.
"I-I can't help it...I feel so sad...it's...it's..." I hiccupped, the composure dying away and leaving me all human and weak. I cursed myself for the first time in years, feeling extremely pathetic for my unnecessary actions.
"I'm sorry I just..." I wiped my tears as if he'd see anyway. "I just feel so alone. You're dead. You're gone. You're not here anymore...you won't see me anymore..." I repeated those phrases over and over and the closer heaven came crashing down on my small frame. The reality was harsh enough that the pain crawled through every nerve and vessel in my body, my heart squeezing tight preventing for me to breathe evenly.
The dry cries turned into wet sobs.
"You're...you're not..." I say again, thinking the more I repeated it out loud, the pain will decrease as well. On the contrary, it just went kicking me into every weak spot, pushing me on the ground where it's impossible to get up.
"Why?...Why!" I said aloud, causing me to hold myself back a little. Invisible hands of logic and consciousness chained me to where my mind should me, yet the feelings I've suppressed too far from what's it's capable of came bursting and tearing me apart limb by limb.
This isn't me. This isn't me. Don't look. I screamed voicelessly.
"If only...if only I had told you..." I started, barely completing my statements.
"If only I hadn't been number one. If only I listened to your pleas and told you that you were just fine as who you are...maybe I..." I stopped, my words conquered by heavy, desperate intakes of breath. The corners of my eyes began to sore and I could feel the swelling growing gradually. My words were incomprehensible and my throat contracted every time I tried to speak, and thus my voice changed deeper and hoarse.
"Perhaps I gave you a reason to live..." My hands covered my face, the cold getting worse. I couldn't manage to look even the mere sight of his tombstone, embarrassed of my state.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." I sobbed.
"I would've done anything." I whispered.
How can I expect him to understand? From a distance, I've always watched too close way too many times, trying to anticipate his actions and his reactions. I knew him to well. I had always thought of fantasies where I could protect him, or even at least show both Mello and Matt how they meant to me, and they were simply just a part of me.
'I can't believe this...'
I buckled my knees to my chest, "I wanted to save you." I smiled. "That's the truth."
You were too proud to sit by me, and I was too insensitive to stand up for anything that is you. You can walk the streets and end up in a different universe and you'll still survive, while I stay in the same place all the same time and build my walls strong enough to keep anyone from seeing past why I only spare to show.
You are Mello, and I am Near. Our names together are synonyms of opposites, rivals and too different. This is how we are - I know what we are.
And I know exactly what we are not.
"And I wish we could've been everything we were not." It was a dream, a night mare - no, a prayer even - to whoever is listening, to God who chose to keep a blind eye and to him who would be rather happier without any clue of Near in his life.
"I want you here."
I should've told him to stay that night.
"...I love you, my dear Mello." Then, after those words, as if he were really listening, the snow stopped and the sun peeked from the gray vastness. The tears have gone wasted, and my heart has perished to pieces. There were silent steps on the mushy ground, the padding sounds growing closer and closer to my curled up being.
As if he were really here, I smelled the familiar scent of genuine leather and dark chocolate; the husky voice that never failed to keep me warm whispering into my frost-bitten ears.
"So do I, dearest Nate." I froze.
Author's Note: Yes, it's a cliffhanger.
And no, it does not have a next chapter.
This is a one shot that is intended to break you and leave you hanging.
Anyway, I'm getting heavy meronia eels lately and I'm just like SKAJWK;PL;l,lkmsdklskkadsjjghjgiiooajAKSJKLA;
yup, like that. Hope you understand and I hope you enjoyed the story! Please leave reviews to let me know whatcha beauties think!