The Horrible Tale of the Akatsuki

Or Valentines Day Sucks All Kinds Of Stuff

By A Clockwork Pumelo

Dedicated to Lychenne Laki and The Terrible Tale of the Akatsuki, for writing that hilarious, truly creative and entertaining story, and inspiring me to write my first fan-fanfiction the Akatsuki live long and prosper in this vice-fueled fanfiction realm of goodness.

WARNING: Contains content unsuitable for children, conservatives, yaoi haters, and prudes. Basically, anyone not already familiar with fanfiction and the internet and it's horrible twisted perversion of the human mind. You have been warned.

All characters belong to Massashi Kishimoto.

"Heyyy guys, can everybody guess what tomorrow is?" Pein grinned as he put an arm around Konan, squeezing her so close to him that she was nearly lost in the voluminous folds of his cloak. Five faces turned slowly, and five pairs of eyes glared with jealousy at their leader and the woman he was currently groping (none of them could see, exactly, as his hand had disappeared into the folds of her cloak, but from the distracted look on her face, they could tell something was up). Hidan was the first to speak up.

"Valentines day sucks." He removed the pike from his stomach with a wet, squelching sound, and drove it up underneath his ribs with a small cry, blood gushing over the couch he was draped on. All the others present nodded, except for Kakuzu, who was too busy watching Hidan's masochism with longing and holding a Kleenex over his nose to care. Pein surveyed the room full of discontented shinobi, quietly groping Konan's chestfor courage with one hand and waving the other in a 'whatever' gesture.

"Okay, fine. All of you can skip missions and go cry your miserable hearts out tomorrow for all I care. The only catch is that if you want to not be assigned to a mission, you're going to have to pick someone to cry with." Deidara looked up from the giant plate of cookies he had been shoveling into all three of his mouths, eyes red. It was amazing how Pein could get their attention if he really tried... hehe, boobies... anyways... They were, for some reason, all looking confused at him. Looks like I'll have to sort this out myself, since I am the leader... hehe...

"Okay... Hidan, get that thing out of your chest and listen to me! You are partnered with Kakuzu, therefore he shall be your cry buddy. Deidara, you get Sasori, since he is washable in case you puke all over him. Umm... Tobi... you get Zetsu. Where is he, by the way?" Pein looked out the window, trying to spot Zetsu in the garden. No Zetsu.

"Zetsu-san is out in his greenhouse. He is talking to his plants and telling them he loves them. He told Tobi to get out of the greenhouse this morning because he was going to fertilize them." Tobi looked confused, head tilted to one side almost adorably. Deidara started laughing, hand-mouths chattering in mirth.

"Honestly Tobi, you do NOT want to know what Zetsu is doing to his plants. Really. This one time, I went out there and I saw him sticking his-" Deidara choked, turned pale, and ran for the loo. Pein cleared his throat, took a firmer hold on Konan's chest, and raised his voice, trying to drown out the sounds of Deidara's mouths puking in three-part harmony.

"Anyways, the point is that nobody should disturb Zetsu. Got it? Good. Tobi... go find something fun to do. Konan and I will be in my office. Do not disturb us. Address all questions and concerns to Animal path or Asura path. The other three will be... busy. C'mon Konan, let's go." He looked down at her and waggled his gingery eyebrows suggestively, nearly dragging her towards the stairs.

"Hehe... they's goin' ta go make shexy time." Everyone turned to Sasori, sitting naked on his cloak (he's a puppet, he can get away with it since he doesn't have naughty bits... or does he?) in the corner, a canister of varnish clutched in one hand and a paper bag in the other, clothes and various cans of solvents strewn around him. An idiotic grin was plastered across his puppet features and the chemical smell was horrendous. Tobi covered his eyes, although there wasn't much to see besides a lot of polished pine. Deidara limped back in from the bathroom, hand-mouths slightly open and making little sounds of misery.

"Whoa... Sasori's at it again, hmm?" He reached for the puppet, tried to haul him to his feet, and gave up, sitting down beside his wooden friend, but not too close because of the smell. Hidan raised his head, looked around, and shoved the pike back into his chest, making a new stab wound as he settled into a blood-loss induced stupor. Tobi headed for the gaming den. He'd just bought Grand Theft Auto 14: Sunagakure yesterday, and he was dying to kill some hookers... it's hard pretending to be a bumbling idiot all day when you're actually an evil mastermind, and some stress relief was definitely in order. Out on the couch, Kakuzu tried to hide the fact that he was watching Hidan by grabbing a newspaper and shuffling it over his face.

"Your newspaper is upside-down... and it's breathing... Teeheeheehee..." Sasori sat up, pointing an unsteady hand at Kakuzu and spilling polyurethane all over the carpet. A muttered 'f**k', and the newspaper hastily righted itself. All was silent for a few minutes, until footsteps were heard coming down the stairs. Who was it? Konan? Pein?

"Heyyy'all...guess whats goin' ta be here soon herrmmm?" In a rolling wave of smoke, Itachi stumbled into the room, falling down the last half dozen stairs to land face first in front of Deidara, who cringed and scooted rapidly away from the addled, red-eyed monster and into Sasori, spilling the rest of his jar of chemicals all over both of them.

"F***in' ey! Deidara-baka, don't spill my sholvents! You're gonna pay for new varnishes and hey, what's with Itachi, he looks all funny. Hey Itachi, you been smokin' again?" Itachi nodded, a bong sliding out of his cloak as he picked himself up off the floor and shattering, drenching everyone in musty, foul water.

"F***...ing ay... yeah, but the bottle too... anything to eat around here?" Hidan groaned from the sofa as the pike found yet another home in his chest. Deidara pointed to the kitchen.

"There might be some dry ramen left... my hands don't like it. But yeah, what did you say was gonna happen here? Does it involve drugs? Because if it does, I'm in for once. Valentines day really does suck. Friggen' Pein, he get Konan all to himself..." Itachi nodded, and stumbled off to the kitchen, leaving a trail of sake bottles behind as they fell out of his cloak. Hidan picked one up, breaking the end on the coffee table and adding it to the array of weapons already lodged in his thoracic cavity.

"Oh, f*** yes... Jashin-sama... unhhhh..." Kakuzu shifted on the couch, trying to hide his crotch with the newspaper. "Oh, come on Kakuzu, you know you want this! Ohhhh..." The others looked away as the priest slowly withdrew the bloody pike from his stomach, arching and groaning and coughing up blood in sweet, sweet agony as Kakuzu's face got redder and redder. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Kakuzu snapped, leaning in to pull out the various kunai from Hidan's body before falling upon him and locking lips with the immortal. Itachi came back from the kitchen carrying a plate piled high with dango and a new bong, proceeded to put a wad of questionable plant matter in it and took a hit, blowing the smoke at the zombie brothers.

"That's kinda hot. I mean, look at that tongue! I haven't seen anyone do that since Orochimaru gave me a-" he realized everyone, aside form the two being discussed were staring at him. "Oh, hehe. Nevermind. But dang..." He scooted closer on the floor, shoveling dango into his mouth with one hand and working the lighter with the other as the two began to roll about, making the flimsy couch squeak. Sasori whistled, and glanced over at Deidara, who quickly removed his hands from his pants and grinned sheepishly. The moment was ruined when three bodies came crashing down the stairs, one after another, Kisame, Pein, and finally Konan, who bounced and landed on the sofa next to the two immortals, immediately enthralled with their... umm... antics.

"Wow... I never knew you two were like that... lemme get my camera-it's yaoi-fest tonight!" She stumbled off, pupils huge and cloak askew, showing enough skin to get an R rating in any movie. Pein rolled off Kisame and into the puddle of bong water and varnish, unaware of anything except the fact that he was high as a freaking kite and he was going to get even higher shortly.

"Guys... if anyone knocks, answer the door... duuuuude you're all purple..." Deidara, being the only sober one, made note of that, and not to let Zetsu eat whoever Pein was expecting. At this point, Konan wobbled back into the room, camera gripped firmly in both hands and a demented grin splitting her face.

"Smile for the camera, b****es!" She started snapping photos left and right, blinding everyone in the process.

"Auuughhh!" "My EYES!" "You're F***ING PURPLE KONAN! PURPLE!" "Ouch!" "F*** you!" "I F***ING INTEND TO!" Everyone went quiet, and Hidan and Kakuzu looked up, hands jammed into all sorts of unmentionable places (one of which was deep in Hidan's rib cage), finally aware of the world around them. The Akatsuki had never seen Hidan turn pink before this day, and never would again. Both the immortals removed their hands from their former residences and sat up, Hidan leaning on Kakuzu, weak from blood loss. The doorbell rang. Kakuzu's hands began to creep towards Hidan again. Kisame lurched over to the door, the smell of vodka rolling after him. It was Kabuto.

"Umm... hello? Did... did I come at a bad time?" He stuttered, pushing up his glasses and surveying the room full of people in various states of intoxication or fornication with some horror. "Uh, yeah... I'll just leave these here." He placed two small packages on the shelf next to the door and fled as fast as his feet would carry him back to the sound village, scarred for life. Too bad he was the only psychiatrist in the Sound Village.

Itachi giggled as he made his way over to the deliveries, picking the larger of the two packages up. The label read "Grade AAA+ Medical Cannabis, for use in treating glaucoma". Itachi grinned, and ripped open the package, inhaling the magical scent of his favorite plant. "Kisame! Get your lazy blue butt in here! We got some good s*** tonight! Aces!" He picked up the other package and tossed it to Pein. "Here's your white s***. Have fun!" He grabbed Kisame by the collar and proceeded to drag him up the stairs, packing a fresh bong-load with the other hand. Within minutes, smoke was pouring down the stairwell and making everyone feel a bit weird.

"Are there any cookies left?" Deidara whined from his seat on the floor next to Sasori, who had found another tube of some nameless solvent and was applying it liberally up his nostrils. He flopped over into Deidara's lap, eyes hazy and crossed, but still somehow managing to give off a sexy, come-hither look.

"I don't eat. I'm a f***ing puppet. Leave me alone." The paper bag emptied and Sasori slumped further across the bomber's legs. "You have pretty hair, Dei-Dei-chan. Can I tousch it?" He petted the soft, golden hair over Deidara's eye, dislodging the scope and letting it fall into the blond bomber's lap, while said bomber processed what Sasori had just called him.

"Yeah, you can call me Dei-Dei-chan whenever you like, Sasori-danna." The paper bag crinkled inward again and Sasori giggled up at the blue-eyed terrorist, swishing his fingers clumsily through blond hair for a few seconds before passing out completely. Deidara removed the tube of solvent from the puppet's hand and recapped it before hoisting the redhead up to drape across his chest as he groped for a pillow on the couch. Pein re-entered the room, carrying an unconscious and more-than-half-naked Konan in his arms, white powder smeared over both their faces.

"Aww, aren't they cute? Konan? Wake up Konan." He shook her gently, waking her up, and then stumbled up the stairs. Deidara didn't want to know what the noises coming from upstairs were... or why there were so many of them. And he really didn't want to know what was going on over on the couch. Unfortunately, Hidan and Kakuzu were giving running commentary, and it was kind of turning him on. "Hey, Sasori, can you walk?" The puppet giggled a bit, hugging Deidara around the waist. "No? Do you want me to carry you up in pieces?" Sasori's eyes snapped open halfway, still crossed as he shook his head. Neither of them knew how they got upstairs, but both were grateful for it. Or at least they would be the next morning, when they found what was left of the couch after Kakuzu's tentacles were through with both it and Hidan...

When Deidara woke up the next morning to his hand mouths chewing on his ears, the sights he saw in the living room sent him running over to the phone, fumbling to dial Kabuto's number. "We need a qualified psychiatrist here now! And a surgeon! Oh, gods, it's horrible!"

Kabuto's eye gave a convulsive twitch. "What's horrible?"

"Zetsu joined in..."