"Rufus sunk his head into his hands. He had woken up at the crack of dawn to a splitting headache. it had only gotten worse as the day progressed. He cracked an eyelid open, hoping that the last few minutes had all been a fever dream. Yuffie Kisaragi stared back. Rufus stared for a few more moments, trying vaguely to remember why he tried to appear composed. Oh yes. President of Neo-Shinra. He glanced down at the report below him, and gave it another shot.
"And so, Lady Kisaragi, what happened after, and I quote 'the birds started to sing in harmony and do backflips while the squirrels started to belly dance'?"
Kisaragi looked unashamed, grinning at him with all the joy of a ruler who knows the pains of a diplomatic incident and all the paperwork involved and doesn't have to do any of it. "Cloud was carried off into the sky by a magic carpet."
"Rufus's jaw met his desk. "What?"
"A magic carpet!" Kisaragi chirps, as if she was not involved in the entire thing. "And I only saw a bit, because I was just healed after he kissed me."
That whiskey bottle in his bottom drawer was looking tempting around then, Rufus decided.
"Actually, come to think of it, those squirrels looked a lot like Aerith and Zack."
In fact, why bother with whiskey when there was that odd liquid that Cloud had brewed up in the top drawer?
And hasn't Vincent been hanging around carpet stores?"
It was, Rufus decided as he took a sip from the bottle that smelt of apples and sweet brain death, a good day to commit suicide.