I couldn't help myself. I had to write some Doctor and Rose Valentine's Day fic. It didn't help that it kind of wrote itself. And now I may only be getting four and a half hours of sleep, but it'll so be worth it.
Anyway, yes! Enjoy. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. Or Pirates Of The Caribbean. Or Valentine's Day. Or shoddy romance novels (well, maybe one).
The Viking Valentine
Their Valentine's Day that year ended up being just like any other day of their lives -- chained up in a jail cell onboard a Viking pirate ship in the late 1100s.
It was just coincidence that the Doctor and Rose had landed in the upper reaches of Norway on February 14th, 1187. It was also just coincidence that they had fallen on board the Ormen Lange. The Doctor had barely had time to announce, with a grin, "We're on the poop deck" before they had gotten overrun by the sailors. He was just grateful Rose had used her common sense and remembered to shut the TARDIS doors on the way out.
And so here they were, on February 14th, 1187, aboard a Viking longboat in Norway, hours away from having themselves blood-winged. And the Doctor was grinning like a maniac.
"Rose," the Doctor stage-whispered to the cell next to his, and he heard her stir slightly.
"What? You gotta plan?"
"Working on it," the Doctor assured her in a flippant matter, grin still in place. "But Rose, we're on board a Viking ship."
"Yeah, worked that one out already," Rose told him, pulling against the chains. "You got the sonic screwdriver?
"It's in my pocket, but I can't quite reach it with these chains holding my hands behind my back," the Doctor said. "And this isn't just any Viking ship. It's the Ormen Lange! The Long Serpent! King Olaf the First's longboat!"
"I'm guessin' that's significant." She scooted towards his cell slowly, trying not to gain the attention of any guards that might be wandering around. "Come closer, I can grab the screwdriver through the bars."
The Doctor complied, moving towards her and pressing himself up against his side of the bars. "Brilliant. Inside left pocket -- my left, your right. And Rose, we're not just on board a Viking ship. We're on board a Viking ship on Valentine's Day! Isn't that fantastic?"
"What's Valentine's Day got to do with bein' on a Viking boat?"
"Nada nothing. I just like it. The Viking Valentine. Sounds like a title of one of those shoddy romance novels your mum likes to read."
Rose pressed her back up against the bars and dipped her hand inside the folds of his coat, grasping blindly for the screwdriver. She reached inside the pocket he'd instructed her to and let out a frustrated huff as she waded through very non-screwdriver shaped items. "How much have you got in these things anyways?"
"Just the essentials!" he protested with an indignant sniff. "You never know what you're going to come up against throughout all of time and space, after all."
"Anything we can use to fight off Vikings?"
"I-- No." The Doctor frowned. "Strangely, I'm not prepared for that."
"Well, you an' your Time Lord brain better think up somethin' quick, 'cause I got it!" Rose pulled forward with a grin, waving the sonic screwdriver behind her back.
"Ha!" The Doctor spun around, grabbing it from her and quickly adjusting its level to the basic setting one. He pointed it at her lock first, grinning triumphantly as he heard it click, and quickly used it on his own. He shook the chains off. "That's better! Now what to do about these doors..." He studied them with a curious brow. "They're wood."
"Can't it do wood?"
"Nope." He popped the 'p'. "The one thing my sonic screwdriver cannot do is wood."
"It's also bum at resonating concrete," Rose reminded him with a tongue-in-cheek smirk, and the Doctor rolled his eyes.
"I'll not have that sass from you, Rose Tyler. Now let me think of something."
The Doctor rubbed his chin thoughtfully, wondering how much force it would take to knock the doors down. They weren't all that well-crafted, and it probably wouldn't take much, but there was no way he'd be able to get his door and Rose's down before the Vikings came running in from the noise.
"Don't know what the big deal is about Valentine's Day anyway," he heard Rose mumble as he thought. "All it's about is getting people like us to waste lots of money on people we'll probably never see again in a year's time anyway."
"Aw, that's not fair," the Doctor drawled, glancing around his cell at the sparse equipment the Vikings had foolishly left him with. "Valentine's Day is fun. Full of candy and chocolate and teddies and dorky-sounding pick up lines. Not to mention Saint Valentine himself was a hilarious chap -- he was real, you know, not a myth. I think he may have even invented the first dorky-sounding pick up line. I should take you to meet him sometime." His eyes fell on a bench shoved up in the corner, and his eyes sparked. "Ah."
"Still don't get the point of it," Rose argued. The Doctor shot her a look.
"Rose, it's the twelfth century. Valentine's Day hasn't even been invented yet, let alone commercialized. Have you seen Pirates Of The Caribbean?"
Rose frowned at him. "What's Pirates gotta do with Valentine's day?"
"No, not Valentine's Day! This bench!" He rushed for it, picking it up and hoisting it towards the front of their cells. "Like when Jack Sparrow is trapped in jail, and Will Turner has to break him out. He uses a bench to apply leverage to the bars and snap! They're home free!"
"We're using a trick from a Disney movie to break out of a Viking ship." It wasn't a question.
The Doctor's eyes glittered. "Oh, yes. If I'm doing the math right -- and I am, so don't worry -- this should cause enough pressure on the wood to splinter and break both of our cells. I just need to--" he positioned it carefully in the corner of his cell. "Rose, back up. And get ready to run."
He waited until Rose was up against the other wall before pushing the bench down with all his might. To the Doctor's immense satisfaction there was a resounding crack, and the wooden beams of the cells gave out, splintering up and out and leaving a nice little opening that both of them could squeeze through. "Good ol' Disney! Come on, Rose!" He bounded out of the cell like a jack rabbit, holding his hand out for her to grab as she came out. Their fingers wrapped together smoothly, and the Doctor gave Rose the most charming grin he could muster before they both bounded through the ship.
* * * *
They slammed the TARDIS doors shut behind them, breathing heavily and laughing like maniacs.
"You should've seen that guy's face when you spouted off on him! I don't think he's ever heard somebody talk so fast in his life!" Rose leaned against him as they walked up to the central console, sniggering into his shoulder. "What'd you say anyway? I couldn't understand a word with you talking at ninety miles an hour, but he turned so red!"
"I basically told him the Viking equivalent of a Yo Mama joke," the Doctor grinned, shrugging off his coat and tossing it over a coral column. "Apparently it hit a little close to home." He paused. "I might've also thrown in some lines from a new romance novel I was writing in my head. 'The Viking Valentine. The story of a Viking and the charming little lass he picks up after raiding her village.' What do you think? Potential?"
"I think even my mum wouldn't pick that one up," Rose snorted, slumping against the bars as the Doctor raced around the console to take them somewhere else. "Some Valentine's Day, huh?"
"Definitely different from how it's supposed to be celebrated," the Doctor agreed as he finished setting the coordinates. "There we go!"
"Where we off to now? The planet of Zanzibar in the Hiclex Nebula in the year 67895?"
"Nah, Zanzibar's boring," the Doctor waved it off. "You know what's more exciting? London, Earth, February 14th, 1984." At her surprised glance he smirked. "You, Rose Tyler, are way too pessimistic about Valentine's Day. I'm going to show you all the good it can be. And to start off... ahhh..." he rummaged in his pockets, plucking out a golden-paper wrapped egg. "Here!" He held it out for her. "Chocolate?"
Rose huffed, but she couldn't keep the secretly delighted smile from spreading across her face as she took it. "You do realize this is Easter chocolate, right?"
"Yeah, well, I always seem to miss Easter, so it was just going to waste anyway." The TARDIS began to rumble, and the Doctor quickly flicked a few levers and banged a button gently with his mallet. "Aaand we're here. So what do you say, Miss Tyler..." He grabbed his coat and strolled casually towards her, sticking out his arm and grinning. "Would you be my valentine?"
Rose grinned right back, looping her arm through his easily. "Doctor, I'd be delighted."