Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 13
Airdate: December 16, 2018
"Back in the Second Grade..."
Special Guest Stars: Larisa Oleynik as Denise
#TYH711
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The guys are walking to class one day when they pass by three younger looking kids.
LESTER: What's up, Wade?
WADE: Wait, what the...
Wade turns around and immediately recognizes the kids.
WADE: Lester? Grady? Roger?
GRADY: We know our names, man.
WADE: No, it's just been a while. Hey guys, you gotta meet my old friends. This is Lester, this is Grady, and that's Roger. We were all in the second grade together.
ROGER: Wow, your friend is cute. Does she have a boyfriend?
*to RK* JAYLYNN: And here you go saying that guys don't think I'm pretty.
RK: I never said that. Why are you trying to misrepresent me?
LESTER: They do that a lot, don't they?
WADE: Yeah. If Jaylynn didn't like girls, they would probably date.
RK AND JAYLYNN: Ewwww.
GRADY: So Wade, how have you been?
WADE: Okay. I mean, I've been hanging out with these dudes for a long time. You know, after you three abandoned me and never talked to me again.
ROGER: We didn't do that.
WADE: You kicked me out of our Facebook crew. You told all the girls that I had bad breath. You once called me Bill Nye with a crispier haircut.
BUSTER: Were they wrong? Your haircut really is crispy. I wish I had it.
SPARKY: You can always get it.
BUSTER: I don't think people will take me seriously.
LESTER: Alright, we did do all those things. But can you blame us? You went to the fourth grade and thought you were all hot and shit. You were harder to reach than Jay-Z and Beyonce.
WADE: That's because you all blocked me on your phones!
GRADY: We're really not helping our case, are we?
WADE: Not at all. Look, guys, we had fun in second grade, but things change. I have great friends that actually care about me. But it was fun to reminisce.
Wade walks away and the others follow.
RK: Better luck next time, boys.
RK cackles as he walks away.
LESTER: This sucks. Wade doesn't want anything to do with us.
GRADY: Can you blame him? I mean, we pretty much pretended he wasn't our friend after he skipped a grade.
LESTER: You're right. What we need to do is prove to Wade that we've changed. Then we can start hanging out with his friends, and we'll be running this place. Nobody will mess with us.
ROGER: Do you think if I dress up like a girl and pretend I have a sister, that redhead chick will kiss me?
Lester and Grady give Roger bored expressions.
ROGER: It's worth a shot.
SCENE 2
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
KG, Rodney, Trevor, and Denise are all eating together that same day.
RODNEY: So what did she say after that?
TREVOR: Something about how I'm so stupid, I don't know what my name is. How can anyone be so stupid that they forget their own name?
KG: Well, there's you, since you've forgotten it in the past.
TREVOR: I was thinking about something else! I just don't understand girls. It's like I'm from Earth, and they're from...from that other one that's six planets down from us.
DENISE: That's Pluto, and it stopped being a planet more than ten years ago.
TREVOR: I don't like that you eat with us all the time.
Rodney looks up and sees a girl on her phone standing near a wall on the side of the cafeteria.
RODNEY: Hey K, you see that girl over there?
KG: Yeah.
RODNEY: Isn't that Sharon?
KG: Who's Sharon?
RODNEY: Sharon Sharon. Remember Sharon, from the sixth grade? You had this huge crush on her?
KG: Oh yeah, that Sharon. Damn, she's more fine now than she was in sixth grade.
TREVOR: Guys, I think Denise can hear everything you're saying.
KG: Right. Damn that Sharon. Nobody cares about Sharon.
RODNEY: I always thought Sharon was a stupid name.
DENISE: You guys couldn't be more ridiculous if someone paid you. So, this Sharon's girl really cute?
KG: She was aight. I mean, when you compare her to you, it's like comparing Nickelback to Pink Floyd.
RODNEY: Yeah, I mean, KG had this crazy crush back then, but it's nothing.
TREVOR: I used to have a crush on Michael Jackson.
Beat.
TREVOR: When I was younger, I thought he was a girl!
DENISE: Maybe you could go up there and talk to her.
KG: You want me, your boyfriend, to go talk to a girl I used to really like?
DENISE: Sure, it's not like it means anything. Maybe you guys used to be friends and she'll be happy to see you again.
KG: Denise, I'm not about to go talk to Sharon and come back here so you can drop me on my head with a Tombstone Piledriver.
TREVOR: Oh yeah, The Undertaker. That was another one I liked.
Beat.
TREVOR: The minute I heard his voice, I never had those feelings again!
DENISE: Trust me, I'm okay with it. Just go say hi and be nice to her.
KG: Okay. But just know that this was your idea. I'm taking direction from something you fully endorsed.
DENISE: Of course.
KG leaves the table and walks up to Sharon.
RODNEY: Denise, do you know what your average is?
DENISE: I don't know. It's at least a 92.
RODNEY: I guess there are some things that good grades can't teach you.
DENISE: What do you mean?
RODNEY: Girl, you're feeding KG to the wolves! He's going to talk to Sharon and all those feelings will come back. Pretty soon, he'll be kicking you to the curb.
DENISE: The whole reason I was okay with it is because I know KG doesn't like her anymore. He'll go over there, chat with her a bit, come back here, and that will be it.
RODNEY: Well, you better hope your plan doesn't backfire. I know what I'm talking about. There was a Saved by the Bell rerun on the other night that had this same story.
TREVOR: I love Saved by the Bell. Oh yeah, that reminds me...
RODNEY: If you say that you used to have a crush on Screech, I'm leaving the table.
TREVOR: No, I was going to talk about my ultimate fantasy of Kelly and Lisa kissing each other. But I guess today's the day for people to think they know shit.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all doing work in study hall when RK accidentally drops his pencil on the floor.
RK: Eh, someone else will pick it up. So Wade, you never told us about your little second grade friends.
WADE: There's nothing really to talk about. I hung out with them all the time, then they stopped talking to me once I went to the fourth grade.
JAYLYNN: How could they just abandon you like that?
WADE: I don't know. I guess they felt like I was going to forget about them, so they beat me to the punch.
BUSTER: Wow. Some people are so stupid.
SPARKY: Is that why when we met you, you said you've never had friends?
WADE: Yeah. I wanted to leave the second grade behind. If they were going to throw our friendship away, then so be it.
RK: Of course. It all makes sense. Now that they see you're doing fine without them, they want you back. Those shady-ass bums need to learn their lesson.
WADE: Trust me, it's nothing. I'm never seeing them again. Today was just a freak accident.
A loud knock is heard at the door. The kids look up and see Lester, Grady, and Roger at the door.
JAYLYNN: They're following you now?
WADE: I got this.
Wade gets up from the table and leaves the room to confront the boys.
WADE: What the hell are you guys doing?
LESTER: We think if you give us a chance to explain ourselves, you'll want to be our friend again.
WADE: I'm listening.
Beat.
ROGER: Why are you looking at us like that?
WADE: You just said that if I give you a chance to explain yourselves, I'll want to be your friend again. So talk.
LESTER: Okay, well, let's see. In our defense, you kinda deserved it.
WADE: What?!
ROGER: Oh, don't act all innocent, Wade. It was you that skipped a grade and left us high and dry to be some smarty pants know-it-all science geek.
GRADY: We're supposed to get his trust back.
ROGER: I know, but it's the truth.
WADE: So you don't remember right before my first day in fourth grade that we made a pact promising that nothing would change? And just because I'm not in your class anymore, doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore?
LESTER: You might be on to something with that.
WADE: I AM! You guys just don't get it. Fourth grade was hell when I started. The work was harder, I didn't know anyone, and what I needed were my friends to help me get through it. But you decided to treat me like I had some disgusting virus.
GRADY: We're really sorry for how we treated you, Wade. Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?
WADE: Yeah. Never bother me again. I have nothing to talk about with you guys.
Wade walks back inside study hall.
ROGER: Damn, he really hates us.
LESTER: Guys, maybe Wade's right. We treated him like an outcast the first chance we got. We can't just expect him to forget everything we did.
GRADY: I've been trying to tell you guys that from the beginning.
LESTER: Grady, no one cares about your damn hindsight. If we're going to get Wade back as our friend, we need to take things up a notch. It's time to bring in the big guns.
SCENE 4
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
KG is looking through his locker when Denise walks up to him.
DENISE: Hey you. So how did it go with Sharon?
KG: It was alright. It was a little awkward because her breath smelled like she didn't brush this morning, but I just didn't think about it.
DENISE: Sounds like you weren't that interested in talking to her.
KG: No, once I got that out of my head, everything was cool. I had no idea her father was a Marine.
DENISE: A Marine? Aren't those military branches all the same?
KG: No, there are distinct differences between each one. Except for the Coast Guard because nobody's ever cared about them.
DENISE: So when you talked to Sharon, did any old feelings pop up?
KG: Is this a late-night talk show? What's wrong with you?
DENISE: Nothing. I was just curious. Because if you liked her that much before, then...
KG: Denise, sweetie, I really like you. Sharon's old news. It was never going to work out. When I asked her out to eat at McDonald's, she said I was too goofy to think of as a boyfriend.
DENISE: Good thing I took care of you.
KG: "Good thing I took care of you." That's what you sound like. I'm going to class.
KG kisses Denise and leaves for class. At that point, Rodney and Trevor walk up to Denise.
RODNEY: You share that boy now.
DENISE: Were you guys waiting to come here so you could talk to me?
RODNEY: No, it's just a coincidence.
TREVOR: So Denise, how much does KG have the hots for Sharon now?
DENISE: He doesn't. We talked about it, he told me nothing's ever gonna happen, and that's it. So there. All of your dumb little conspiracy theories suck.
RODNEY: Of course. I mean, when KG has little children running around and your genes aren't part of them, I guess we'll know who he decided to settle down with.
TREVOR: Who? Janet Jackson?
RODNEY: No, Sharon.
TREVOR: SHARON!
Beat.
TREVOR: Ozzy Osbourne's cool. Bye guys.
Trevor leaves Rodney and Denise.
DENISE: That boy had to have been dropped on his head when he was a baby.
RODNEY: No, his mom just used a lot of coke when she was pregnant with him. But Denise, you really need to watch out. Sharon broke his heart the first time he asked her out, you can't let him go through that again.
DENISE: He won't, because I'm dating him!
RODNEY: I'm just saying, be careful. One day, you two are together, and the next, you're getting married in London and he says the wrong name at the altar.
DENISE: You need to stop watching sitcoms and spend more time with your girl.
SCENE 5
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is watching TV later that day when the doorbell is rung. He opens the door to reveal Lester, Grady, and Roger.
WADE: Hey, how do you guys feel about a restraining order?
LESTER: Look, Wade, you have every right to be mad at us. You were the best friend we've ever had and it was dumb to throw it away because we were upset you skipped a grade.
WADE: Is that it?
GRADY: No, it's not. It never is. Do you remember this?
Grady gives Wade a paper with unknown content.
WADE: Grady, these are just cheat codes for Madden.
GRADY: Give me those!
Grady grabs the paper from Wade's hand.
GRADY: Forget you ever saw that. This is what I wanted to show you.
Grady gives Wade a picture. The picture shows Wade, Grady, Lester, and Roger having fun at an amusement park.
WADE: This is when we took that trip to Tukwila. One of those rides almost killed me.
ROGER: Yeah, and remember I ate all those hot dogs and threw up on those old white women? They were so pissed.
WADE: Good times. They were the first to get banned from the park for racial harassment.
GRADY: See, Wade, those were our memories. That was our era. We can bring it back.
WADE: No, we can't. Everything's different now. You don't see WWE trying to bring back the Attitude Era.
ROGER: Can't be any worse than what they're doing now.
LESTER: Okay, so maybe we can't bring back all those memories. But we can make new ones. We need you back, Wade. We need you to make our crew mean something again.
WADE: I don't know.
LESTER: Well, then you're going to have to be a part of this grand gesture.
WADE: What?
Lester plays "Stepping Stone" by Eminem and begins singing the song's hook with Grady and Roger joining him.
WADE: Okay, okay, I don't want anything to do with this. Fine. I can see you guys really want me to give you a second chance, so I will. But you have to make sure you're on the ball this time.
GRADY: Sure, Wade. We're not letting you slip out of our fingers again.
Beat.
ROGER: Do you still want us to sing?
WADE: NO!
SCENE 6
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
KG closes his locker to reveal Sharon standing near him.
SHARON: Hey KG.
KG: Sharon, you gotta watch out. I mean, if you were someone else, man, let me tell ya, I would have...forget it, what's going on?
SHARON: Well, remember when you were telling me about your act?
KG: My comedy act?
SHARON: Yeah. What other acts do you have?
KG: None, but people usually don't ask me about my shows. In fact, whenever I tell them, they run away.
SHARON: That sucks. Maybe I can check out one of your shows when you're doing it.
KG: Well, I'm actually rehearsing a set this weekend. Maybe you could join my friends and my girlfriend.
SHARON: That's great. I'd love to go see it.
KG: Alright, cool. I'll talk to you later.
Sharon walks away and Rodney and Trevor walk up to KG.
RODNEY: So what's going on with Shar?
KG: Look, Rodney, I already told you. You can't just come up with nicknames for people and expect them to catch on.
TREVOR: Is Denise jealous already? Are we gonna get a girl fight?
KG: No, nobody's fighting. Sharon's just a friend. I left all my feelings for her in the sixth grade when she turned me down. I was so devastated, I couldn't eat for a week. It ended up manifesting itself into a depression that I only escaped after...
RODNEY: None of that happened. None of it.
KG: Well, I was still upset about it.
TREVOR: Whatever you do, KG, just make sure Denise is okay. She sees you hanging out with Sharon and she might think you want to give her a French kiss.
KG: Denise knows me. I love her, not Sharon. She trusts me, right?
RODNEY: She's a teenage girl, what do you think?
KG: Oh no, you're right. This is all part of Denise's game. She's trying to start drama by making me be friends with Sharon again, and then break up with me when the chemistry builds up.
TREVOR: What an evil bitch. What are you gonna do?
KG: I'm going to have to kill this before it gets worse. I have to make sure Denise knows that Sharon means nothing to me. Once I do, she'll trust me enough to resist the temptation.
RODNEY: In that case, could I take a crack at Sharon?
KG: Dude, you're dating Beth.
RODNEY: Hey, nobody said we're exclusive!
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids are at their lockers, minus Wade.
BUSTER: So LPC has really been testing my nerves lately. I don't know if we can have two cats in the house anymore, so I'm putting him down after school.
JAYLYNN: What the f***?
At that point, Wade walks up to the guys with Lester, Grady, and Roger.
WADE: What's going on, people?
SPARKY: Hey Wade. Oh, I see you're with your old buddies.
BUSTER: Old buddies? Who are those freaks?
JAYLYNN: That's Wade's old crew from the second grade, remember?
BUSTER: Jaylynn, you weren't here in second grade. How would you know that?
WADE: Anyway, you know the gang. Lester, Grady, Roger.
SPARKY: Cool, so you guys patched things up.
WADE: Yup. We're going to give things another chance.
LESTER: Yeah, and with any luck, we might end up stealing him away from you guys.
Beat.
GRADY: That was a joke, guys.
SPARKY: I was laughing on the inside.
BUSTER: I didn't get it.
RK: Hey Wade, could I talk to you in private?
WADE: Sure.
Wade and RK walk to the side.
RK: Uh, what's going on here? What's the angle?
WADE: Angle?
RK: Yeah. You really want us to start hanging around a bunch of second graders? It's going to kill our rep. They'll make fun of us in the streets!
WADE: What streets? There's no streets!
RK: Dude, you really need to be more in tune with what the streets talk about these days.
WADE: Look, RK, I know this is weird, but it's not like I need you guys to hang out with them. I just want to pick up where I left off in the second grade. We used to be really good friends until they threw it away.
RK: And you really trust them this time?
WADE: They sounded sincere. I'm going to give it another shot.
RK: Alright. Just so long as you don't find a new best friend.
WADE: Please, the day you and I aren't best friends, CM Punk will come back to the WWE.
RK: Shit. Then we only have five years left.
WADE: He's never coming back.
RK: They always come back. It's like a sickness.
SCENE 8
The Laugh Machine
Interior Chuckle's Diner
Seattle, Washington
KG is setting up his microphone as Rodney, Trevor, Denise, and Sharon sit around.
KG: Mic check one two, one two. Is this on? Yo, Jimmy, hit me with that old Triple H.
DENISE: He's so cute up there holding his microphone.
SHARON: Yeah. It's a shame I didn't see that in the sixth grade.
Denise gives Sharon a look of disapproval. KG notices it.
KG: *voiceover* This is terrible. Denise looks like she's ready to kill Sharon. Time to handle my business. *aloud* Denise Fletcher, to the stage. Denise Fletcher, to the stage.
Denise gets up and walks to the stage.
DENISE: Yeah, KG?
KG: Look, at this point, the rumors are true. Sharon clearly has a thing for me and I'm just an innocent bystander in the whole situation.
DENISE: Huh?
KG: I want to let you know that I only want to be with you. When I liked Sharon, I was stupid, immature, and I didn't know shit about girls. But I don't even know that person anymore.
DENISE: Alright, I believe you. I mean, she's really pretty, it's not easy.
KG: Of course. But no matter what she does, I have the skills to resist her temptation.
DENISE: I know you do.
KG kisses Denise and pats her on the back. Denise then goes back to her seat.
SHARON: You guys make a really cute couple.
DENISE: Don't play games with me. I know what you're thinking.
SHARON: Wait, what?
DENISE: Look, KG used to like you a lot, and you didn't appreciate him. You had your chance with him and you blew it. Don't try and get in his head now that he's moved on. I'm his girlfriend, and if you try anything, I'll make your life a living hell. Every day, every hour, every minute, I'll make you regret ever touching my man.
Cut to Rodney and Trevor.
TREVOR: Hey Rodney, you think we could start smoking crack once we get to high school?
RODNEY: Why the f*** would you want to do that?
TREVOR: I saw a documentary on TV last night about what it does to your brain. It looks pretty cool.
SCENE 9
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are having ice cream sundaes alongside Wade's old friends.
BUSTER: This doesn't feel right. This isn't our booth.
SPARKY: Yeah, we had to get a bigger one to fit in Wade's old buddies.
BUSTER: We barely know them and now they have booth privileges? What's happening to our group?
JAYLYNN: So, what did you guys used to do with Wade?
LESTER: Oh, we did all kinds of stuff. I remember one time, we threw ice cubes at each other for cash.
BUSTER: That's so stupid.
WADE: Last week, I watched you drink an entire bottle of syrup.
BUSTER: But you triple dog dared me! If I didn't take the challenge, I would look like a pussy.
ROGER: Hey, wild boy Wade is still around.
RK: Wild boy Wade? That was a thing?
LESTER: Oh yeah. Wade was crazy before he skipped a grade. He only started to clean himself up after that.
WADE: I wasn't crazy. But I used to act out a little bit.
GRADY: Act out? Man, you were all over the place. You used to hit kids with spitballs, talk in every class, steal lunch money.
JAYLYNN: Lunch money? Dude, lunch money is so 1983.
SPARKY: I can't believe you used to do that stuff, Wade.
WADE: They're embellishing. It wasn't that serious.
LESTER: What about that fight you got into?
RK: A fight? No way.
JAYLYNN: Spill the tea, kid.
LESTER: Okay, this one kid said that Wade's mother smelled like brown liquor and toenail cheese. So Wade swung at the dude and he went DOWN. It was insane. Pretty soon, everybody was crowding around and Wade almost snapped the kid's arm off. He would have done it if MacGregor never stepped in.
WADE: And with that, I no longer have any secrets in my life.
BUSTER: I can't believe it. I've been trying to learn Daniel Bryan's submission hold for months and Wade could have taught me the whole time?
Wade has an embarrassed look on his face.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the kids are watching TV.
WADE: Ugh, today was horrible. I guess now, I'm nothing but wild boy Wade to you guys.
BUSTER: You could be a science genius and a wild boy at the same time. It will make you more distinguished.
SPARKY: Wade, we don't hold what you did against you. I'm just wondering why you never told us before.
WADE: I was trying to erase everything I did in the second grade. Almost like it never happened. I know Jaylynn's erased certain things from her past.
JAYLYNN: Bro, it's not that bad. There are things I did in Portland that I regret, but I've learned from them and changed. As long as you own yourself, it doesn't matter what you did.
WADE: Yeah, you're right. I guess trying to be squeaky clean is like sticking an orange in a bottle of Poland Spring.
JAYLYNN: Nice.
SPARKY: So now what? Are you going to stop hanging out with Lester and them?
WADE: Why would I? I just got them back in my life.
SPARKY: Well, it's just that with what you did in the past, I figured you wouldn't want to.
WADE: Oh, so now, I can't control myself because of the company I keep? You are holding my past against me!
SPARKY: That's not what I meant.
WADE: No, I heard you loud and clear. Look, Lester, Grady, and Roger might still be in the second grade, but I already told them that things are going to be different. I'm not getting defined by my past anymore!
Wade walks out of the house and slams the door.
BUSTER: I was kinda hoping we could recap a little early this time.
SPARKY: Did I say something wrong?
JAYLYNN: No, it's not your fault. Wade's just a little touchy about his past. He doesn't want us to think less of him. It's kinda sweet.
SPARKY: Well, I hope he gets what he's looking for.
JAYLYNN: You know, RK, I'm shocked. I thought you were going to start doing your thing.
RK: My thing? What thing?
JAYLYNN: That thing you always do when something happens and you're so paranoid, you think about the worst-case scenario? And then nothing happens?
SPARKY: Yeah, man. You're not afraid Lester and his friends are going to change Wade?
RK: No. Look, Wade is our friend and we have to trust him. He wants to be friends with those lame-ass second graders so he can get the closure he needs. If we really think his mind is that weak that he'll let himself go back to who he used to be, that's our problem.
JAYLYNN: You're right, man. We need to let this thing play out for a while.
RK: Exactly.
Beat.
BUSTER: Hey, if something bad does happen, will you go back to crazy RK and try fixing it?
RK: Of course. I'm not that trusting of anything.
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Wade is having lunch with Lester, Grady, and Roger instead of the guys.
SPARKY: This is depressing. I hope Wade doesn't stop hanging out with us.
BUSTER: Of course not. He just needs some time to himself. I'm pretty sure he'll stop talking to those second graders once he realizes how much he's changed.
JAYLYNN: I doubt it. He really wants to stick with it.
BUSTER: Yeah, but for how long? Until he has to dumb it down? That's not Wade. He's more mature than them, more sophisticated, more womanly.
Beat. Everyone gives Buster confused looks.
BUSTER: What did I say?
RK: Dude, Wade's not a woman.
BUSTER: I know that. I thought that word was unisex.
SPARKY: No, it's not.
BUSTER: Well, I guess there are some things girls still want for themselves.
JAYLYNN: You know, if Wade's going to spend less time with us, somebody has to fill the void.
BUSTER: You're right. We need a new Wade.
SPARKY: It didn't work when he went to junior high and it's not going to work now. Besides, he's right there.
BUSTER: I'm not saying we need to bring someone new into the group. One of us could take his place.
RK: Okay, well, the new Wade has to be smart and sarcastic like him. I think it should be me.
JAYLYNN: Why you?
RK: Because I'm his best friend. Who better to carry on Wade's legacy than me?
JAYLYNN: Why can't it be me?
RK: I don't know. I mean, you're sarcastic, but how smart are you, really?
JAYLYNN: I'm smart enough to know I can beat your ass.
RK: See, you have one half of Wade completely down. All you need is the other half and we'll talk.
SPARKY: I guess it should be me.
RK: You're already the leader. Let someone else have something!
BUSTER: Hey, what if it was me? It would give me a real challenge.
RK: Well, if it was you, it would be unexpected. Fresh, unpredictable, something out of the ordinary. I like it. Buster's going to be the new Wade.
SPARKY: I like that idea too.
JAYLYNN: So I just can't get anything, right? That's what we're doing?
BUSTER: What was your last science test grade?
JAYLYNN: What was yours?
Beat.
BUSTER: My work speaks for itself.
SCENE 12
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sharon is at her locker as Denise walks by. Sharon turns around and sees Denise staring her down. Sharon goes back to her locker, but then turns around and sees Denise walking in the opposite direction, still staring her down. Sharon sighs and locks her locker, then walks up to Denise.
SHARON: Hey, will you quit stalking me? It's not like KG is bound and gagged in my locker.
DENISE: Of course not. For all I know, you probably have him tied up in the boiler room.
SHARON: Look, Denise, I respect your relationship with KG. I think you two make a great couple and there's nothing I can do to change that. I already know I missed my shot, so you can stop pretending that there's something going on.
DENISE: You're serious? You're sincere, you're for real?
SHARON: For real, for real. I actually want us to be friends.
DENISE: You know what? I want that too. Let's shake on it.
SHARON: Awesome.
Denise shakes hands with Sharon, and then slaps her with her other hand.
DENISE: Yeah, like I'll fall for that.
Sharon becomes enraged and goes after Denise, but she runs away while all the kids take out their phones and start recording.
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sharon is talking to KG, Rodney, and Trevor while they play video games.
KG: Wait, she really slapped you?
SHARON: Yeah. I thought she wanted to be friends, but she was just baiting me.
TREVOR: So why didn't you kick her ass?
SHARON: Because she ran away like a coward and I couldn't find her.
TREVOR: That's not an excuse. She peeped your stance and knew there was a space she could get open. You can't let that happen again.
RODNEY: Hey Trev, you think it's okay if the three of us just talk while you shut up?
TREVOR: Alright. I'll just play by myself. I do it all the time.
KG: Yeah, we know.
SHARON: KG, you really need to talk to Denise. She's getting this crazy idea in her head that I want you, and pretty soon, you'll forget all about her.
KG: That's ridiculous. I already told her nothing's going to happen. This is crazy, Denise has never been the jealous type.
RODNEY: Yeah. I, uh, guess she hasn't.
KG: What are you implying with that tone?
RODNEY: Well, we might have lit the fire under your girlfriend just a little bit.
KG: You don't have to say "your girlfriend." We've all been friends for years. And what do you mean, man?
RODNEY: Well, me and Trevor might have accidentally, inadvertently made Denise think that Sharon was going to steal you away.
KG: Of course. You guys just had to inject yourself in some shit you knew nothing about, and now everybody's shit is f***ed up.
TREVOR: I'm not part of the conversation, so I'm not accountable for anything.
KG: You're part of it now, stupid.
TREVOR: Oh. Well, honestly, I don't think it's good for us teenagers to be so crazy about each other. We really need to control our hormones.
SHARON: So you guys are the reason Denise has been acting like a psycho?
RODNEY: Look, we were just making fun of her because she was the one that wanted KG to talk to you in the first place. We didn't think she would take it this far, but on some level, I respect her for it.
KG: Well, we're taking care of this now. Tomorrow at school, we're all talking to Denise. You guys are gonna apologize for what you did, Denise will apologize for slapping Sharon, and we're all going to calm down. Okay? I'm tired of this monkey shit.
TREVOR: Wait, but tomorrow and now aren't the same. That's a contradiction.
KG: TREVOR, I SWEAR TO GOD!
SCENE 14
Burger King
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
("Candy Rain" by Soul for Real plays over the loudspeakers)
Wade is eating with the guys after school.
ROGER: Hey guys, watch this.
Roger squirts ketchup on the table and begins licking it off the table.
GRADY: That's sick.
LESTER: I'll give you five dollars if you can do the same thing with your drink.
ROGER: You're on!
Roger pours his drink out on the table and begins licking it up. Lester and Grady laugh at him while Wade simply shakes his head and continues eating with a bored expression.
GRADY: So Wade, where are your fourth grade friends at?
WADE: Oh, I don't know. I kinda decided to distance myself from them for a bit.
LESTER: Oh, that's not cool. You don't have to stop talking to them so you can hang out with us. They were alright.
ROGER: Yeah, especially that redhead chick. Did you see the way she was smiling at me?
WADE: I've barked up that same tree before. Trust me, not a damn thing is going to happen.
SCENE 15
Burger King
Exterior Parking Lot
Seattle, Washington
Outside of Burger King, the guys are spying on Wade and his second grade crew through binoculars in Sparky's car.
BUSTER: I don't think this is a very appropriate course of action. We're better off retiring to our living quarters and pursuing something more substantial.
JAYLYNN: Okay, Wade doesn't talk like that all the time.
BUSTER: When you're playing a character, you have to exaggerate. Gives things a little more color.
SPARKY: RK, are you sure you can read lips?
RK: Of course. Anna whispers a lot to herself so I've spent some time trying to figure out her codes.
Through the binoculars, RK sees Wade and Lester going up to the soda machines talking.
RK: Okay, I got something. Wade thinks we're too judgmental, Lester understands. They're talking about how Roger has no shot with Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: It feels good to be on the other side for once.
RK: Okay, here we go. They're...they're stealing my drink. They're stealing my drink.
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: They're plagiarizing his beverage.
SPARKY: I know what he said! But why is that a problem?
RK: That's my drink. Wade just suggested to Lester the same drink I always get at Burger King: Hi-C fruit punch, Dr. Pepper, and a hint, just a small hint of Coca-Cola. I invented that drink and I can't even get any credit?
BUSTER: Yeah, because I remember the day that you came up with the innovative concept of mixing drinks.
RK: Shut up, dollar store Wade! This is a travesty. This is NSFW, this is X-rated!
JAYLYNN: So does this mean crazy RK is back?
RK: You're damn right. Sparky, tomorrow, we're confronting Wade. And should I happen to become so pissed off, I can't control my actions, I want you to restrain me.
SPARKY: It would be my pleasure, buddy.
SCENE 16
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, KG is with Rodney, Trevor, Denise, and Sharon.
KG: Alright. Over the past number of days, we have been acting like a bunch of sick, diseased people. I think we need some perspective and I think we need to end this madness.
SHARON: I agree. This whole thing started over nothing.
DENISE: Shut up, bitch.
KG: See? This is what I'm talking about. Denise, you're one of the most trusting people I know. You were the one who wanted me to start talking to Sharon again when I thought it was a bad idea. Now you think I want to give her the salami?
TREVOR: The salami?
Rodney whispers something in Trevor's ear.
TREVOR: See, I was imagining something different.
DENISE: Well, can you blame me? You liked her before. What's stopping you from liking her now?
KG: You, you big dummy.
RODNEY: Look, Denise, this was all our fault. We kept messing with you about how KG's going to fall for Sharon again and want to date her, so we're sorry if we made you paranoid.
DENISE: Okay. I forgive you. But KG, just to make sure that everything's cool, I need you to do something for me.
KG: Sure, what is it?
DENISE: Stop talking to Sharon. Don't talk to her, don't say hi to her, don't think about her, just forget her. Then I'll be fine.
KG: Are you kidding me? You still don't trust me?!
SHARON: No, KG, it's for the best. It's obvious she's still threatened by me so if we don't speak, there's nothing for her to worry about. I'll see you around.
Sharon leaves the table at that point.
KG: Guys, could I talk to Denise alone?
TREVOR: Why?
RODNEY: Come on, let's go.
Rodney grabs Trevor by the arm and forces him to leave the table.
TREVOR: So you think KG's gonna give Denise the salami?
RODNEY: Are you five?
Cut back to KG and Denise.
KG: Denise, that wasn't cool. I don't have any feelings for Sharon, but you still think something's going on?
DENISE: Why do you want her in your life so bad? Because you still like her and you just don't know it, right?
KG: You know what, Denise? I'm done. I can't do this.
DENISE: What are you saying?
KG: I'm saying that we've been dating for almost a year now, and the first sign of someone else being in the picture, you can't handle it. If you can't trust me not to date other girls, then I guess I don't know you as well as I thought I did.
DENISE: No, KG, you don't mean that.
KG: Yeah, I do. Until you learn to grow up, I think it's best if we just go back to being friends. Maybe friends.
KG leaves the lunch table and tears begin forming in Denise's eyes. At that point, an unknown boy walks up to Denise.
BOY: Hey Denise, I can't stop thinking about that slap you gave to Sharon. Could you do the same thing to me?
DENISE: No, but I can spit on you.
BOY: I'll take it.
DENISE: Get out of here, you pervert!
The boy runs away.
SCENE 17
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Wade is reading when Sparky and RK walk in.
WADE: Oh, hey guys.
RK: You think this is funny? You think you can just play us like we're an Xbox One? Huh? You think we're Booboo the Fool?!
WADE: I really wish I knew what you were talking about so I could be sarcastic about it.
RK: HE'S CHALLENGING ME!
RK tries to go after Wade, but Sparky grabs him by the back of his shirt to keep him grounded.
SPARKY: Easy, boy, easy. Calm down, RK. Heel. Heel, boy.
RK: Thank you. I needed that.
WADE: What the hell is going on with you two?!
RK: You're distancing yourself from us? We're too judgmental? The drink stealing?! Does any of that mean anything to you?
WADE: How did you guys know that?
RK: We don't have to share that information. All we know is that after all the time we've spent together, this is how you want to end things. This is how you want to end your friendship with us. I would spit on the floor if I had any motivation.
WADE: RK, you're off base here. I still want to be friends with you guys.
SPARKY: Then how come you've been ignoring us lately?
WADE: Because you guys were judging me for my past.
SPARKY: We were, or you were?
Beat.
WADE: Okay, maybe I was a little insecure about it and I lashed out when I shouldn't have.
SPARKY: Look, Wade, we've all done things we're not proud of. But we've been there for you for a long time. You don't have to hang out with your old friends to prove anything.
WADE: I'm not. I like talking to them.
RK: Really?
WADE: No, they're the worst! I'm telling you, those guys haven't changed one bit since I left the second grade. Everything's the same with them. I can't even be sarcastic with them like I am with you guys. Everything goes over their head and it just makes me want to cry.
SPARKY: So why are you still hanging out with them?
WADE: I guess I just wanted to bring back the memories. We had so much fun in the second grade and I wanted to feel that way again. But it's just not the same anymore.
RK: I don't see a problem with that. You changed and they didn't. It happens.
SPARKY: Yeah, man, sometimes, people just grow apart. As much as you want to bring it back, you can't because that's what things were like then.
WADE: I'm sorry if I was so sensitive, guys. I acted like a real jerk. Now all that's left is telling the boys that it's over.
RK: I'm pretty sure they'll understand.
WADE: I guess. But after everything they went through trying to make amends, won't this make me look bad?
SPARKY: Hey, they're still the same people who pretended they didn't know you for years. At least this way, they'll get a taste of their own medicine.
WADE: Yeah, you're right.
SCENE 18
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, KG and Buster are watching TV together.
BUSTER: Hey, did you quit comedy?
KG: What? No, I just did a show last weekend.
BUSTER: Oh. Because you don't really talk about it anymore.
KG: Well, it's been slow for a while. You remember that TeenNick special I wanted to be a part of?
BUSTER: You mean, the one they rejected you from?
KG: Wait. Are you sure they rejected me?
BUSTER: Yeah, they weren't impressed. Remember when Kevin Hart showed up and you became a businessman? That whole thing?
KG: Oh yeah. Poor Kevin Hart. Guy will never be chosen to host the Oscars ever again.
At that point, Denise walks in.
KG: What do you want?
DENISE: I want us to talk about what happened.
KG: Forget it. I'm trying to watch TV with my brother's friend. You can't impress me.
BUSTER: Don't worry, KG, I'll go upstairs. Just remember what you're giving up. I mean, look at her.
KG: Yeah, that's what makes her so hard to ignore.
Buster starts walking upstairs.
KG: So is this the part where you check the closet to see if Sharon's hiding in there?
DENISE: No. Look, KG, I'm really sorry for getting so jealous. I was wrong not to trust you and think that you couldn't handle yourself around another girl.
KG: I don't get it, Denise. We've never had this problem before. All of a sudden, Sharon comes back to the school and it's like I don't even recognize you.
DENISE: Yeah, I know. It was just too much for me to handle. You're the first guy I've ever really liked, and when Rodney and Trevor started talking about how much you liked Sharon, I panicked. I didn't want anybody taking you from me.
KG: Girl, I'm not a leftover sandwich you put in the fridge. I know who I am and what I want. I mean, if Rodney or Trevor started liking you, and you knew it, I would trust you not to do anything with them.
DENISE: Is there really much to do with? Rodney's kind of an asshole and Trevor's, well...Trevor.
KG: Yeah, there's not a really high bar with those two. But it still counts. Besides, I barely knew anything about Sharon when I liked her. The reason why we're so good together is because of all the stuff I know about you.
DENISE: Like what?
KG: Like the fact that you twirl your hair when you're really thinking about something. Or how you roll your eyes when you hear something stupid. Or that weird way you laugh when someone says Woody Woodpecker.
Denise starts cackling at the mention of Woody Woodpecker, and snorting.
DENISE: It's such a dumbass name, but I love it!
Denise continues cackling and snorting while KG has a confused look on his face.
KG: Yeah, kids live here, please stop that.
DENISE: Sorry.
KG: Look, Denise, I know it's hard for us to date because we used to be friends, but that's no reason for it to be so complicated. We just have to trust each other.
DENISE: When did you get so smart?
KG: I think it was when I was in the seventh grade. Shit changed my life.
Denise starts laughing and then kisses KG.
DENISE: You know, if you want to be friends with Sharon, you can.
KG: Thanks. Because I was hoping one day, if you were cool with it, the three of us could just start doing some stuff together.
DENISE: BRO!
KG: Haha, got ya!
SCENE 19
Lester's Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is watching TV with Lester, Grady, and Roger. Lester pulls out a jar of boogers to show Wade.
LESTER: Hey Wade, remember this bad boy?
WADE: OH, SHIT! I mean, yeah, I remember. Your booger jar.
LESTER: Yup. Every year, I try and save as many boogers as I can in the jar.
WADE: You still throw them away after you're done collecting?
LESTER: No, I just switched to eating them. It's like recycling.
WADE: Wow. That's...wild.
Beat.
LESTER: You can help me eat them when the year's over.
WADE: Okay, I can't do this. You guys are a bunch of dorks and I'm not interested in hanging out with you anymore. The end, roll the credits, see you next Sunday.
Wade begins walking away when Lester and Grady pull him back.
GRADY: Whoa, whoa, don't end it like that. What's going on here? I thought we were having fun.
WADE: Yeah, in the beginning. But now, I'm just wondering why you guys haven't changed since I skipped a grade.
ROGER: We have changed!
WADE: No, you haven't. You're still licking food off tables, spitting for distance, blowing gum in people's faces. I'm past all that.
LESTER: Well, you were okay with it when we first started hanging out again.
WADE: Yeah, at first. I thought we were going to start doing different things, but you guys are still the same people you were when I was in the second grade. It's never going to be the same.
ROGER: Is this because of all that stuff we said about you and did to you after you abandoned us?
GRADY: ROGER!
ROGER: I'm just saying, it's the roots of the matter that count.
WADE: Look, guys, it's just not working out. I just have a different attitude now, doing different things. I need to be around more people like me.
LESTER: Alright. We understand.
ROGER: This is wack, man. Now, we'll never get to hang out with the fourth graders and run the school.
Beat.
WADE: What did you just say, Roger?
GRADY: Roger can't even count past twenty. He doesn't know what he said.
LESTER: Yeah, he was just licking paint off the desk yesterday. What does he know?
WADE: Guys...
Lester sighs.
LESTER: Look, one of the reasons we wanted to hang out with you again - and this wasn't the main reason, just a reason - was so that we could start hanging out with your friends and do cool fourth grade stuff.
WADE: You were using me for props?!
LESTER: I said it wasn't the main reason. I made sure to include that.
WADE: Oh, and that makes it okay? You guys lied to me. I thought you really wanted to be my friends again.
GRADY: We did. Us being around the fourth graders was just going to be like a perk.
WADE: Well, it's not happening. You know what? I think it's obvious we don't click anymore. I've outgrown the second grade. And you guys might not have to grow up, but I need to move on.
Wade begins leaving the house.
LESTER: Look, Wade, we might have had certain reasons for doing this, but we really liked hanging out with you again. It was just like old times.
WADE: Yeah, it was. And that's why we can't be friends anymore.
Wade leaves the house.
GRADY: Well, it was fun while it lasted.
LESTER: We're never seeing him again, are we?
GRADY: No chance in hell.
Beat.
LESTER: Roger, did you just fart?
ROGER: The tension was really getting to me, sorry.
SCENE 20
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are on Sparky's couch to recap the episode's events.
SPARKY: Well, that was an adventure.
BUSTER: But it was Wade's adventure.
SPARKY: Yeah, but we were an indirect part of it.
JAYLYNN: Wade, are you sure you won't miss those guys?
WADE: Nah. Not after I found out they were going to use me. I just had to accept the fact that the past is the past. You guys are the only friends I need.
RK: That's really decent, man. I'm sorry I almost killed you in a fit of rage.
WADE: Eh, at this point, I'm desensitized to most of your behavior.
RK: And Buster, I'm sorry for calling you a dollar store Wade. You did the best you could under all that pressure.
BUSTER: Thanks, man. Once you have the real thing, you can never go back.
WADE: Wait, dollar store Wade? What happened? Whose idea was that? When did this happen?!
Cut to black.
("I Ain't Mad at Cha" by 2Pac featuring Danny Boy plays over the end credits)
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS