So, I haven't written in a long time and I figured I needed to change that. This story got depressing pretty quickly, I guess that is just how I am feeling. I don't really have too much to say, but I hope you guys like it. I also hope to do more writing soon. I can't promise that I will be writing any more WilSon stories anymore.

-Amanda

I pulled out that letter. The one folded neatly under my pillow. The one that has faded print along the folded lines from consistent use. The one that has smeared ink from the tears that have dropped every single time it has been read. The one that makes us feel close again.

I follow the same routine every night. Pull that letter out and read it before bed. I smile as I read the words that you wrote. I feel that same rush of pride and sadness that only this letter can provide. I let that single tear drop from my cheek and fold the letter back up. Place it in the same pillow case since the first day I read it.

No one knows that it exists. Just you and me. That's all that needs to know these words. It reminds me of our special bond. The bond that will never be broken, even through time and space.

John is the first person that I have allowed in my bed, in our bed. He is the first person I have tried to allow in my heart. I know you would not have wanted me to stay closed off for so long. But that is what has happened. I don't feel the same rush as I did with you. It is really not the same. I thought time would be the answer. It hasn't been.

I try not to think of the years that have passed since I last felt your touch. Since I last tasted your lips. Since I last inhaled the scent that is exquisitely you. Every once in awhile I feel like I can smell you. I feel your cool touch on my hand. In that moment we are one again. It always takes my breath away.

Every once in awhile John asks about you. The one that got away. I can see it in his eyes that he wishes it was him I was in deep love with. He has been patient with me. Letting us go slowly. I tell him our story one night when I wake up from my night terrors, screaming out your name. Feeling the emptiness all over again. Feeling the pain of losing you all over again.

He tries to calm me. But he can't. There are only two people who can bring me solace at this point. But neither of those people are here. There is only John. I tell him every painstaking detail. It just flows out of me. I'm sure that comes from you. I know that you want me to be happy, so I try to open up my heart to John. To let him learn our love story. The story that ended too soon.

I can see his patience and understanding. It is three am and I know he is tired. I now see that he cares. But he isn't you. After I tell him our story, I begin sobbing all over again. Because this was our story and I should never have shared it. The guilt of losing you rushes through me and I hate myself in this moment.

I hate that you aren't here consoling me. I hate myself for being alive without you next to me. I hate the fact that the family we created no longer exists. I don't even get to see our baby girl. How is this fair? I am telling our story to this guy that loves me, that I could never love back. We only get one great love in our lives and I had that. Then lost it. I don't deserve to have another.

I don't deserve this life without you.

I finally saw our baby girl. I hadn't been able to look into the beautiful blue eyes of the girl that was the spitting image of her father, because it isn't fair that she has to live in this world without you. She gave me that goofy grin that reminds me of you and the pain shoots through me. She looks just like you and it's like I have you with me again. I feel your spirit in her. She runs into my arms, yelling Papa and I never want to let her go.

We video chat and write. I answer all her questions about you, the ones that Gabi can't answer. I show her videos of you when you were a little. I know I need to be the father to her that you can no longer be. I promised her that.

John broke up with me tonight. I know it was for the best. You are my heart and soul. I am not ready to move on. I honestly don't know if I ever will be able. I lay outside at night, wherever I am, and look up at the stars. This is where I feel you the most. The calm of the night. It reminds me of the peace that you used to give me. It is only you that could give me this peace.

On nights I feel the lowest, I watch the videos of us together. It is in the moments that I have to fight for life. It is true what they say, living is the hard part. I am alive, but life just isn't worth living without you next to me. I try thinking of my family and our baby girl in these moments. And it helps me make it through the night. But that is getting harder with each day. John made the days bearable. Sleeping alone is the hardest part. I reach for you every night and then I am reminded that you aren't here. You will never be here.

Ari wrote me a letter today. It makes me smile with how much she reminds me of you. She knows how to make the days better. I force myself to call her every night. She is becoming my reason to live. She needs me, Will. Not in the same way that I need you. That need will never go away.

I need you in a way that I can not understand. But Ari needs me in a way that I do understand. I brought her for the first time to visit you. I don't think she really gets it. I am the only father she remembers and I can't explain how painful that thought is. You were taken from her too soon. All she remembers now are the stories that we tell her. I won't let her forget about you. Just like I will never forget about you. I have accepted the reason I am still here. Ari will live on in your memory.

I still cry myself to sleep every night when I read that letter. I love you more than words can say. Every day is a struggle. I struggle to choose life every single day.