July 12th 2012
i hadn't know Tj long. no more than a few months but i loved her. she was gorgous, i loved the way she looked. Of course she was little. no taller than 5'2 then. she weighted no more than 85 pounds either. but she was probably the sexiest person i had ever met. her hair was long and blonde then. her eyes a chocolate brown. I still remember the first time i kissed her. HEr lips were soft but the kiss knotted my stomach for weeks. it made me sick. It was wrong to mingle with nature and loving tj was like ripping a phone book in half not suppose to happen. i remember the first time she found out about my hand. That one place where her touch sent my body into a shiver and my heart racing. I remember the first time she bit my ear too. IT drove me crazy the fact her teeth were sharp made it hard to stay silent in her small bedroom. however i stopped her from doing anything past that. I was always to scared to let her coax my body into a frenzy of roses and chocolate.
July 13th 2012
Possibilities are like roses they grow into beautiful things and then they die….grab them before they do even if the thorns make you bleed. trust me it will make you stronger…
July 14th 2012
Birthdays are for rich kids…...all i want for today is for my mind to be earsed so i dont have anymore nightmares…
July 16th 2012
Went to the lake with the family…...horrible time would have rather stayed home. HE was there and HE attacked me again…...i'm scared of HIM why does he have to bother me?
July 18th 2012
Mom and dad went out tonight…..all the others were busy HE had to watch me…...I hide outside in the old oak tree in the woods till dark and then hid under the porch till mom got home. she was mad that i had ran off and made me apologize for running off alone….she doesnt know about HIM and i can't tell her or HE'll attack me again…..
July 22nd 2012
went to town with mom and grandma today….i got a new dress…..its for galyn's graduation but i dont wanna go i may try to stay home with papa he doesnt want to go either he said i could watch tv with him in his bed. and we could eat cookies and drink milk….i like time with papa
july 30th 2012
HE was at grandma's today….her tried to get me in the basement but grandma came down stairs and then i went upstairs and hide in bed with papa as he slept.
august 2nd 2012
I saw TJ today she is still beautiful . i love her so much. she is so adoring….i wonder if she loves me too? i should ask her next time i see her. i really want to be with her.
August 8th 2012
ME and kelsey got caught again….joey is really cracking down on us lately. didnt help that bullet and tnt attacked the cop dogs either but those dogs did attack kelsey and TNT is really protective of kels.
August 10th 2012
ME and TJ are dating...well as close as you can get to dating. my father would never allow it but we are doing everything couples do she is my lesbien lover…...
August 15th 2012
Tj is being forced to move back to colorado with her parents to save our hearts the trouble of a long distance relationship Tj said we can no longer be together it hurts but i understand her reasoning…..
August 23rd 2012
It had been awhile since i last saw Tj. i missed her so much. Our reuion was short live though…..she was leaving for tennesse and she would be gone for awhile. i wanted her to stay i wanted her to be with me. i knew i couldnt let her go again. She knew i loved her, and i knew she loved me back. i cried when she left and she promised she'd be back. However in the darkness of my depression and need to have tj back i went out to a party with Kelsey. I remember the burn as i drank my sorrow down with captain. It hurt even more later that night when it came back up. That was the night i met Destiny. She was no little girl like Tj but she was gorgous with all her curves. i instantly fell for the dark haired beauty. we dated for two short months…..but then she left for mexico city…..i miss my destiny, but she is engaged now to micheal and i wish them both happiness.
August 24th 2012
HE is back in town and staying with me at grandma's i'm scared to sleep with him here… i've spent the last three nights downstairs under the staircase so he can't find me...why does he have to come home?
August 26th 2012
HE is finally leaving i can sleep in peace at long last again…...sleep will be amazing
August 28th 2012'
I'm going to youth rally in a few more weeks, not sure what to expect….what if no one likes me? its only for two days i will be fine….i hope
August 30th 2012
Horrible day at school in wish in could dissapear from here…..i miss Tj and dez is gone…...all i have is kelsey now
September 4th 2012
I should attempt to run away again…..maybe to scottland i love scottland, i will go to scottland some day. someday i'll be home. IS scottland my home? is that where i belong?
september 6th 2012
Youth rally is in a few days i'm worried i will be labeled a freak just like at school, do people at church things make fun of other people? pprobably i should be prepared for anything…..
September 8th 2012
LEave for youth rally tomorrow excited and terrified but ready to go!
September 10th 2012
though i don't know his name i am lost. He is so fasinating…..his smile so tempting…..i hope he never notices me watching him. I'm sure he has i've seen him look at me….or maybe in my direction looking at a pretty girl…...i want to say something to him….but its better i stay quiet…..i'll probably say something dumb if i talk to him…
september 11th 2012
I let him slip though my fingers….i let him walk away. walk away without the slightlest wave of a hand. why didnt i say something….am i really such a coward? it doesnt matter i probably will never see him again anyways…
september 15th 2012
Tj has come home. i missed her so much my little lover. she has gained alittle wieght not much but she has gotten taller. and she cut her hair. i was sad at this though…...i loved her hair. now its a short spike cut dark brown with blue tips…..she is still gorgous but i wish she hadnt done that. And she also wears a binder….she has no means to be a girl anymore. Tj has decided to become a boy she wants to be with me…..i dont know what to do.
September 31st 2012
i had the wierdest dream today….that boy. he was in my dream…..what does it mean? why am i thinking of him? what does it mean? is it guilt because i didnt say anything? what have i done?
october 2nd 2012
Kelsey met Tj today i hate to tell her Tjs a girl because it would mean she would get hurt. she has already fallen in love with m dark hairded lover and i hated to ruin that. but she had the right to know.
november 22nd 2012'
sorry i havent written i have been so busy lately. i have found myself fasinated by the stranger that now walks with me in my dreams. This tall boy that is all but to familiar. were had i seen his smile before? He was all too real for a dream. Could i be having preminitions again? such a strange thing i am to see the future in my dreams. such horrid truth is in my dreams.
December 12th 2012
The truth is out…..the pastor at church now knows about my undecided love for Tj. What am i going to do…...i'm afraid they will kick me out of my church or even worse…..tell my father….i will lose everthing…..he will take away everything i have.
december 15th 2012
The end is near my notebook. My heart can;t keep loving Tj espically when i can't be with her. i want too but i will lose everything if i do. Such a cruel life i am forced to live. But thats okay it will all be over soon. no more sadness the river will swallow my fears and drown my sorrow.
december 20th 2012
Tj is home for the holidays. i wish i could see her but i'm on lock down and father refuses to allow her into our house seeing as she is now open about her bisexuality. i miss her so much. why is my father so evil?
december 30th 2012.
tragidy. i wish it had been me...i wish it hadnt been her. not my Tj not my light. She is the only thing keeping me alive. why her? why?!
january 2nd 2013
Tj will live. the doctors have said she should be able to go home friday….this warms my heart that she will live. I still wish she hadnt been rapped but at least shes alive. my Tj my light.
january 16th 2013
the worse thing my Tj will ever go though is no longer a nightmare but her life. The test is in and Tj passed….tears will be shed but abortion is not an option for her. she refuses to kill a living person. however she is putting her baby up for adoption which is good im glad she isnt going to try to keep it and raise a child when she cant take care of it. im proud of my tj for that.
january 25th 2013
nightmares are getting stronger….i wish i could forget…..why cant i forget? I get so cold just thinking of it. Why would family be so cruel? i was no more than a child…..a seven year old child…...its so dark in my heart
febuary 14th 2013
i hate valentines day….love and hearts such bullshit. no body loves you till they are willing to die for you. and i dont have anyone willing to do that…...valentines day such a worthless holiday
march 20th 2013
davids birthday. my little brother keeps growing up..how i wish he would stop the poor thing doesnt realize how horrid life is. i wish to keep him small and fragile forever. life is better when your fagile….
April 1st 2013
why do they wish so badly to kill me? am i really such a screw up? everything is black and i cant continue to fight the lack of air in my life…...i want to let myself go…..