AUTHOR'S NOTES: One-shot, not a threesome so anyone who's looking for one, you're not going to find it here. This is a piece that I actually started writing a couple years ago – yes, it's old and I almost forgot I had this - before I ever saw the Eikou Den OVAs. Therefore, Eikou Den never happened, nor did anything in the other OVAs though I am twisting a couple things from them to create a sort of 'what if' universe. So, basically, just forget everything that happened in any of the OVAs and consider yourself duly warned!
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Sukunami Miaka.
The new name still bears the sense of unfamiliarity.
As the gold band on my finger glints dully in the dark, I lie on the cool sheets of the bed and can't help thinking of the events that have brought me here to this point in my life. I like to think that I can reflect upon past memories with the wisdom that comes with age, but as I've only just reached twenty-two I can't really say that I've gotten all that wise. Still, I hold onto hope and surely that can't be bad when it's seen me through so much before. And, remembering those past times, I sigh softly into the darkness.
When thinking of the past, the Universe of the Four Gods comes foremost to mind and with it the dramatic turns my life has undergone because of it - some good, some not so much so. If not for it, I know I wouldn't be like I am now, have what I have now. But because of it, my life did change, starting with my meeting of my first love.
Tamahome.
I can picture vividly the very first time I saw him. A handsome knight in Chinese-style clothing - such an impact he made on me! And he only continued to do so the better I got to know him. He made me feel so many things our past days together of rocky romance - some good, some bad. He was my hero, became my enemy, and then my hero once again. Through the trials that we faced, my feelings for him grew and grew until it became a love that, in the course of things, brought me much sadness and also joy.
But, then, love is never meant to be easy, no matter how much I often wished it were.
Especially when my heart became conflicted about other men.
Nuriko.
Is it so strange that he comes foremost to mind? He who I first met masquerading – and quite successfully too! - as a woman, he who I first came to think of as a fellow girlfriend and confidante, he who looked prettier as a female than I could ever be with my gluttonous and impulsive ways?
Oh, that's not to say that he was the only one, though it makes me feel promiscuous for even thinking it. I was young then, caught in the grips of uncertainty and barely knowing what true love was myself except for what I'd gleaned from trashy romance movies and novels I'd seen – not to mention the shoujo manga! Certainly there were a few others that made me stray, if only temporarily, from the strong feelings I had for Tamahome. And yet, whenever I think about the people in the past that have made my heart sway, shaking my sense of heart's loyalty to Tamahome, it's the deep and vivid color of violet that seems to overshadow all else in my mind.
Perhaps it's because he's the first person I truly cared about that died right before my very eyes. And in such a horrific manner that can still give me nightmares.
Even now, remembering the devastation I felt then can still make me cry.
He was my warrior, like the others. But he was also like a sister, a brother. He was my confidante, even a rival when I thought 'he' was a 'she.' The long ago words of Tasuki echo back from the past - was he a man or a woman? Truly there is no one adjective that could ever suitably describe what he was to me, what he still means to me.
Nuriko was, and is, just...Nuriko.
I remember the past, his strength and his warmth from when he was alive. I remember his strength and his warmth when I thought he was gone forever but his spirit resurrected on Mount Black and rescuing me once more just when I believed I would lose my own life and become a human icicle. I still shiver when I recall the challenge I'd accepted from the Genbu warriors and how it had felt to be completely encased in ice, one breath away from dying.
But I hadn't. Nuriko protected me even then, lending me the strength to break free.
That's when I realized he would always be with me.
The knowledge gave me the strength to go on back then, knowing that he would be watching over me. It gave me the courage to hold on tightly to my feelings for Tamahome through all the ensuing trials and losses, no matter how rocky the road of love became. I thought the truest test of that came when Tamahome discovered that he was a character from the book known as the Universe of the Four Gods. But we overcame that and, with the other members of the Suzaku Seven who lent their strength even after death, we saved two worlds from being destroyed with the strong bonds that tied us together.
And then came the final good-bye.
To this day, it's one of the worst feelings I'd ever felt. My heart broke over the knowledge that we couldn't be together – not me and Tamahome, or even me and the others. From two different worlds, though I tried hard to hold onto the hope that they would reborn into mine, it was just as difficult to escape the fear that they could only exist in the world into which they were first born. Though comforted by the thought that those dead would still have another chance at life, as the days bled into the next without seeing signs of Tamahome keeping his promise to find me again, the little hope I had chipped away.
Then he suddenly appeared in my life.
Sukunami Taka.
It was him! My beloved Tamahome had kept his word and found me again, though his form and his name had changed. Suzaku be praised, the joy I felt at finding him again can never be forgotten.
My Tamahome, my Taka, was real in my world with no wars or Seiryuu warriors to worry about. I could hold him in my arms, see his shadow on the ground and his reflection in the glass. He was no fantasy, no made-up character in a book with supernatural powers. He was an ordinary man attending school, the same as me, with an ordinary life and an ordinary family.
And that was the problem.
"Miaka?"
At the sleepy sigh of my name, I turn and can't help but smile into equally sleepy looking eyes. A strong arm slides around my waist and I willingly allow myself to be pulled closer, nuzzling into his bared chest and inhaling the scent of sandalwood tinged by something else that was uniquely him.
"What were you thinking about?"
I know he can feel my shrug. "Nothing much."
"Oh, really? It wasn't about food, was it?" he teases. "Or thinking of another man?"
I feel the blood rushing to my face.
"Miaka?"
"It's not what you think," I say hastily, horrified. "Really!"
"And what do you think I think?"
"I- Well-" In a small voice I say, "I don't know."
Beneath my cheek, I feel his chest heave in a sigh. "Honestly, you're such a kid sometimes, I don't think you'll ever change."
"Kid?" My brows twitch as I frown. "There's a ring on my finger that states otherwise, husband."
"Well, wife, there are some things that transcend physical age. And don't change the subject." His arm tightens around me. "We've only been married a few weeks and it's hardly a good omen if we can't be honest this early on wedded bliss."
Guilt assails me. I know he's right. I know he is but I just can't admit it out loud.
He becomes so annoying whenever I do.
"Now let's see," his voice resonates in my ears, "what subject were we on? Oh, yes. That's right. Another man."
Irritation unfurls. I hate that tone.
"The big question is – who's the mystery man plaguing my dear sweet wife's thoughts? Oh, no. Don't tell me. Let me guess," his tone turns dry, "could it possibly be my dear sweet little brother Taka, once known as the Suzaku warrior Tamahome?"
"Nuriko," I growl. "You don't need to be so condescending."
"Silly girl. I can't help it when you act so stupid. Cute, but stupid."
"Nuriko!"
"What?" he asks innocently. "Was it something I said?"
"I'm beginning to forget why I married you again."
"Oh, is that all? I swear I've heard you say those exact words everyday these past few weeks – it just doesn't feel like a normal day when you don't."
I heave a heavy sigh. Sometimes, there's just no winning.
"Miaka," his voice suddenly softens, "you always get like this. How many times do I have to tell you – no one is to be blamed? Feelings can only be held back for so long and Suzaku, or whatever other gods responsible, must have a reason for setting the circumstances to be what they were, are."
"But…I hurt Taka."
Why? Why do I have such a hard time letting it go, letting the past rear up its ugly head? Why do I keep hurting myself, and him, with my constant self-doubt?
It's not as if we hadn't had this conversation before, many times before. And it's depressingly sad to say, knowing myself like I do, that we'll probably have it again in the future. I hate myself when I'm like this, insecure and guilty. It makes me wonder once again what I had ever done to deserve the love of this man, of Taka or Tamahome, or of the others whose affections I'd been unable to respond to.
Again, I ask myself - why is the man I love with me now?
And, again, the answer comes.
"I love you," his response whispers in my ear. "And in the end, when all is said and done, I don't think I can bring myself to care about anything else. Everything that's happened before, the good and the bad, are what's brought us to this moment in our lives. We can be here now, like this, because of them."
I breathe in the comfort of his scent as I listen.
"I love you," he repeats again, secretly thrilling me, "and sometimes I can't believe that I was given a second chance, that you chose me this second time around or that I'm the one who can hold you now."
My eyes moisten at the emotion in his words.
"It could just as easily have been one of the others reborn with this chance and why I was given it, only Suzaku knows. I don't know why I was reborn as Sukunami Ryuen, why I was reborn as Taka's older brother. It seemed like such a cosmic joke at the time, but maybe that's what was needed for us to be able to cross paths once more."
He sighs and I feel it down to the very marrow of my bones.
"I know you never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. And Taka…he knows that, too."
I nod. Taka had told me as much himself.
"I was so happy just to see you again, I was perfectly content to stay on the sidelines forever and watch you and Taka be together, just as you and Tamahome were meant to be." There is another sigh. "Who could have predicted that you and Taka wouldn't work out?"
Indeed, who could have predicted it?
Certainly not me.
After all the hardships and sacrifices that everyone had made, that Nuriko had made, for Tamahome and I to be together, I had felt that there was no way that I could betray them and give up on the relationship between Taka and I. Even as it became more and more obvious as time went on that things between me and the ordinary man I met as Taka just weren't working out, I still clung desperately to the remnants of our failing relationship until it became a shadow of what a real one should be.
How childish of me.
How foolish.
I wasted too many years with my denial, my refusal to see the truth. I couldn't admit that things weren't perfect, weren't the way they were supposed to be or thought they were supposed to be. And I made Taka, whom I cared about deeply, so very unhappy. Then there were the angry and terrible words I threw at him when he broke things off with me because I just wouldn't allow myself to see what he'd figured out long before me.
Taka wasn't Tamahome.
Taka and Miaka just couldn't be, not the way I wanted.
Oddly enough, or not depending on one's point of view, it was Nuriko – I can never quite bring myself to call him Ryuen but, then, he never seems to mind - who made me see that. When it turned to love, the right kind as it should be between a man and a woman, I don't know if I'll ever be able to say for certain. But, somehow, it did and I know that though Taka and I couldn't coexist in such a way together, it still hurt to see it work with a former fellow Suzaku warrior and his current brother tied by blood.
Still, if not for Taka, Nuriko and I might not be together now.
Plagued with guilt back then when it felt as if I was using Nuriko to move on from Taka, I'd refused to see either of them, as if it would make the problems go away, as if I could stop my feelings of budding love from overflowing. Childish, I know, but it had been so terrifying to feel as if everything I thought to be the truth was suddenly yanked away from me, leaving me cast adrift without a even a piece of driftwood to keep me afloat.
But Taka…Taka really is a good man. I really don't deserve him. He saw what was brewing between us and refused to let me turn away from it, to deny myself happiness with the right man. Looking back, I feel grateful all over again, though I regret how long it took and the pain I caused along the way with my immature stubbornness to admit that life can't always go the way we will it to, but it can end up to be just as good.
The proof holds me now in tight embrace.
"Taka is happy for us," Nuriko continues. "He was the best man at our wedding and wished us well with a smile, from the bottom of his heart. He even pulled me aside at the reception and told me that he thought things worked out for the best," he pulled back and grinned down at me, "especially since I'm probably the only one who can keep you from getting into too much trouble."
"Hey!"
He chuckles. "His words, not mine."
"Honestly!" I exclaim in high annoyance. "I don't know how I go on living sometimes with the two of you constantly picking on me. One big brother is more than enough!"
Suddenly, the scene shifts and I'm on my back with him crouching above me. Perhaps it's just me, but the shadows make him even more beautiful and through the dim light of the night that streams in from the window, an inward sigh shakes me with his beauty.
There's that hair that I love, rich in violet color and growing longer now at my request that I can't regret making even in spite of his teasing about my secret penchant for girls. I won't change my mind, though it vexes me sometimes that he has prettier hair than me – I love the cool feel of it sifting through my fingers. And I love that tiny mole lying on the paler flesh of his left cheek just below his eye, that beauty mark he was thankfully reborn with that always tempts me closer for a nibble. But, right now, there's no need for such temptation for there's nowhere to go and my eyes widen as he seems to loom even closer until I feel his breath wafting across the flesh of my cheeks.
"Mi-a-ka," he draws the syllables of my name out in a way that makes me shiver in a way owing nothing to the cold. "A brother is not how I, your husband, wants you to see me."
I gulp. No worries there.
His being brotherly is currently the furthest thing from my mind.
"And," he bends down, nuzzling my neck as I gasp and feel my mind fizzle, "I'd still really rather you not be thinking of Taka when we're in bed."
Taka who? Dazed didn't quite cover what I felt.
"There's a time to let go of guilt," he says, "and I think we're long past it." A wet caress licks across my chin. "Don't you agree?"
"Mmm?" I blink fuzzily. "What?"
He pulls back and peers down at me. Shadows play across his features like a lover's hand but they can't conceal the humor than glints in a hazel gaze that gleams golden in the dark. As it gradually sinks in that the amusement he currently displays is owed to me, my mind clears and I narrow my eyes at him in a glare.
Of course, as my life tends to go, it has no effect whatsoever.
Except, perhaps, to make him even more amused.
"Ah, Miaka," he laughs and I can't help but enjoy the sound. "You're such a dear. Despite everything, I really am glad it's ended up this way. Feel as guilty as you want, whenever you want – it doesn't matter because I know just how to handle you."
That sort of rankled. "Oh, really?"
"Oh, yes." His gaze twinkles down me in a way that makes me feel as if my mind is an open book to him. "I've decided - anytime the blues start sneaking up on you, all I have to do is kiss them away!"
Actually, that didn't sound too bad.
Mmm, not bad at all.
I feel a blush rising at the thought, at the images that immediately spring to mind, and know that his keen eyes can see it clearly, even in the dark. A wicked curl comes to his lips and I'm uncomfortably aware that he's picking up on my less than innocent train of thought and embarrassment makes it difficult for me to hold his gaze.
And, even amidst the playful naughtiness, I feel safe.
There's a saying that the ties of destiny between people are bound in red threads. But mine, I believe, are woven in violet strands as vivid in hue and silky to the touch as my beloved's hair. I stare into the darkness of his eyes and know right down to my soul that wherever destiny next leads, he will be by my side. And, when he tilts his head and smiles down at me with a smile that reflects the love I know he holds for me, I think he feels the same weight created by the ties of fate weaving between us.
Or maybe not.
"You're just lucky I wasn't reborn the way I asked you to wish to Suzaku for me." He says in a joking manner and a roguish wink. "Unless you really do have a secret liking for women."
"Ack! Nuriko!"
He laughs and then, after a moment, so do I. And, though it's such a little thing, all is perfect and right in our world.
I can ask for no more.