No matter how hard she tried, she could never get rid of the feeling of his skin against hers, the trailing of his lips against her body, the feel of him sleeping beside her. In that one moment of total bliss, life had been perfect, laid at her feet for her to choose her perfect path. Only to have it ripped away so forcefully that it had left her breathless and in tears on the toilet in the bathroom at Starfleet Command.
She, the intrepid captain that had made a seventy year journey in only seven years, was reduced to tears in the matter of mere minutes by one simple person. After years of hardship and the arduous burden of command, she had not shed one tear, but after one moment of seeing him with her, loving her so openly after their night full of love and promise, she couldn't bear it. She left. B'Ellana had followed her, now being her closest friend. She was furious about what Chakotay had done to Kathryn and after Kathryn explained what had happened to her former chief-engineer; the Klingon nearly stormed out of the bathroom to give him a piece of her mind and fist.
When they had left the bathroom, the two women were met by Tom and Harry, who enveloped her in an immediate hug, and Tuvok, who watched in solemn silence.
"Thank you boys, I think that I'll be able to get through the briefing now," she said and smiled sadly. She had barely made it through the meeting. She didn't once look over at Chakotay, or Seven. She had sat ram rod straight, looking just over the panel of admirals' heads. She had bee-lined it out of the room, surrounded by B'Ellana, Tom and Harry, Tuvok staying back to distract the pair of people that Kathryn was avoiding. She had taken all the unwarranted reprimands, the petty admonishments, and subtle praise with a dull emotion. No discipline or crumb congratulations could breach the barrier of her tortured mind and heart.
Kathryn hadn't once looked back on them, she had just walked out, went home, packed up a small bag, left a message with her mother to notify her of her whereabouts, then she had fallen off the maps.
She was still on Earth of course, just hidden from the public eye. She moved to France, bought a small cottage in the countryside, surrounded by fields and hills, about a five minute run from the Mediterranean. She was alone, isolated from everyone. It suited her. She had spent the last seven years isolated in a crowd, why not take it to the next level and isolate herself in the country side with no one around? She had lived peacefully there for the past three months, recuperating from all that had happened. Most of her time had been spent reading, walking down the beach, or just curled up on the sofa. Her companion for much of the first two months had been silent tears, or tears that were wrenched out of her body. Slowly, she came to terms with everything and as spring set in around her little château in France, the sun had increasingly become her new friend.
Starfleet, after reading all of the reports from the past seven years decided to try and assign her to Starfleet Diplomacy. She had refused and retired from Starfleet. They had already taken too much of her life; she was going to live out the rest of it in grand fashion, and however she wanted to.
Today, she had an appointment with the Doctor, and then she was going to go have dinner with Tom, B'Ellana and Miral. Kathryn hadn't seen Miral since she was two weeks old and couldn't wait to see how much the little girl had grown.
Kathryn decided that she was going to wear a light yellow sun dress with a pair of simple pale pink flats. She put sunglasses and grabbed her small white pocket book before walking out the door. Her short hair was pulled back into a simple clip so that the hair wouldn't fall in her face. She transported from her study to the transporter that was a few blocks from the Doctor's office.
"Hello Doctor! How are you?" she greeted her old medical officer.
"I'm well, thank you, and before you say that you're fine, Kathryn, we're about to see how you really are," he said. It was an inside joke of theirs that she always said she was fine, no matter what her real condition was. She could be missing her right arm and still say that she was fine.
"Well, if it really matters as to what my opinion is as to how I am, I haven't felt this well in years," Kathryn said with a smile as she slid up onto a bio bed, "I'm well rested, I've been eating real food, not just coffee, and I've been getting some exercise in. I've eliminated stress from my life, and I feel wonderful."
"That's excellent. Oh, I have some wonderful news to share with you!" The Doctor suddenly got a little fidgety as he completed the scans on her.
"What is it? Have you finally chosen a name?" Kathryn asked.
"No, but I might soon. I wouldn't want my wedding invitations to go out saying that Annika is getting married to 'the Doctor'," he said.
"What? You're getting married? And who is this Annika?" She was genuinely happy for the Doctor.
"Well, you know her as Seven of Nine, but she has finally decided to go by her real name, Annika Hansen," She was floored. The Doctor and Seven were now engaged, when last she'd seen Seven, she was in a serious relationship with Chakotay. She finally noticed that the poor hologram was looking at her a little expectantly.
"I guess congratulations are in order then!" Kathryn tried to ignore her thoughts about Chakotay and focus on the Doctor. Why hadn't Chakotay told her that the Doctor and Seven were dating?
"Thank you!" the bio bed beeped at them, he went over to look at the scans, "I guess congratulations are in order for you also," he said to her.
"Why would that be?" She wasn't really paying attention.
"You're pregnant," he said simply, "you're just entering your second tri-"
"No," she whispered, closing her eyes, covering her mouth with her hand, shaking her head in disbelief. The tears that had been absent for weeks came back unbidden.
"Kathryn, what's the matter?" The Doctor saw her obvious distress.
"Nothing," she took a deep breath, "it's just that I'm not really on speaking terms with the father, and I don't know how I'm going to tell him. But I'll be fine, I'll make it through this," she looked up at the Doctor and smiled, "I'm going to go have dinner with the Paris' now; I'll see you around Doctor."
As the Doctor watched Kathryn's retreating form, he noticed how her smile hadn't quiet reached her eyes.
~/~
"B'Ellana! How are you?" Kathryn exclaimed as soon as the door opened.
"Well, how are you? We haven't heard or seen from you in months," B'Ellana enveloped the older woman in a tight hug.
"Oh, you know the usual. Getting lost in some far off place and totally ignoring Starfleet. Oh, by the way, did Owen tell you that I retired?" she asked.
"Yes, he did. I'm not at all surprised," the younger woman escorted her inside.
"Kathryn!" Tom rushed up to give her a bear hug, "How are you?"
"Wonderful. How are you and where is that little Miral?" She hugged him fiercely back.
"Good, and Miral is in the living room. Come on and see her," Tom walked into the living room, and Kathryn followed him. What she saw made a chill drip down her back, causing her to stand rigidly and formal.
There was Miral, her adorable God daughter, but she was nestled in Chakotay's arms.
He looked up at her, and she turned to B'Ellana with a warm fake smile, "B'Ellana, why don't I come help you in the kitchen?" She said, pulling on her arm in the direction she hoped the kitchen was.
"Alright," B'Ellana said and took the lead from Kathryn as they made their way there. Kathryn's brain was in turmoil, she was pregnant, as a forty two year old woman, and the man that used to be her best friend and the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with was in the next room over. Something clicked into place as she remembered this specific couple's anger over what Chakotay had done to her a few months ago, and couldn't help but wonder what the woman she was following knew that she didn't.
"B'Ellana, why is he here?" Kathryn demanded as soon as they arrived in the kitchen. B'Ellana leaned her back against a counter and looked at Kathryn.
"Look, you've been gone for three months Kathryn. No one's heard from you, Starfleet doesn't know where you live, and the only way we hear anything from you is through your mother. The poor guy was worried out of his mind by the end of the first week, and Tom found him falling off a stool in a really seedy bar a month after briefings, brought him home and in the morning I wouldn't give him the detox hypo spray unless he told my why he hurt you so badly. And that story you should hear from Chakotay, not me. Just know that it was a good enough story to let me and Tom both forgive him, and he really needs to talk to you about it. Please Kathryn, give him a chance?" B'Ellana explained. She didn't try to dampen the truth, which Kathryn was grateful for and always loved about B'Ellana. She still felt as though she should run straight out of the house and back to her little haven in France, but knew that that would be very cowardly of her, so she decided to tell B'Ellana her big secret.
"I'm pregnant," Kathryn blurted. It took a minute for B'Ellana to register what Kathryn had said.
"What?"
"I'm-" B'Ellana cut her off.
"I heard that, but how? Who? When? Congratulations?" B'Ellana really didn't know what to say to her former captain.
"Well, I should hope you know how, Chakotay, three months ago, and thank you," Kathryn answered all of B'Ellana's questions.
"Oh gods, no wonder you don't want to face him," the young woman replied, "Do you want me to make up some excuse that you had to leave? Or-"
"No," Kathryn said, "I'll stay. I should tell him somehow that I'm pregnant. I'm just so nervous, how am I going to tell him?"
"Kathryn," B'Ellana said, going over to Kathryn to hug her, "you are the most brave and smart person I know, I have faith that you will figure it out," she felt a small tear land on her shoulder.
"Thank you B'Ellana, you always know what to say to me to make me fell better," Kathryn pulled away from B'Ellana with a warm smile and they walked towards the living room arm in arm.
"Hello Chakotay, how are you? And look at Miral, can I hold her?" Kathryn asked, trying to act normal. She thought that she was doing a pretty good job of it.
"I'm well Kathryn, how are you?" he asked distantly, handing over Miral.
"Wonderful. Look how much you've grown young lady! I haven't seen you since you were born," she snuggled Miral close to her body, thinking how this would be her in a few months, holding a baby.
"So, Kathryn, what have you been doing the last few months?" Tom asked.
"Oh, the usual, just catching up on some light reading. What have you all been doing?"
"Tom and I are working together with Starfleet in producing a new shuttle craft, much like what we did with the Delta Flyer. It allows us to spend time together, and still have enough time with Miral. Tom's parents love watching her, so we usually don't have to worry about any kind of daycare system," B'Ellana answered from her position next to Tom.
"We're having fun. Oh, that reminds me, I have some schematics I was wondering if you might take with you to look at. We'd like an outside opinion on how the shuttle's going," Tom added.
"I would be happy to," Kathryn looked over at Chakotay, "what have you been doing lately Chakotay?"
"Not much," he said quietly.
"That's not true!" B'Ellana said, "He's got a wonderful position teaching at the Academy. They've given him the Delta Quadrant course, and an archeology class. He's having a wonderful time with it too."
"That's wonderful Chakotay. Why didn't you tell me?" Kathryn asked in a mock serious tone.
"Because I told Starfleet I wasn't the right person to be teaching the DQ course, but they said the person who should be teaching it retired and disappeared," Chakotay said darkly, looking up into her eyes with a fierce look.
"I'm sorry, but I just couldn't stay in Starfleet any more," Kathryn said with a hurt look in her eyes. Of any one, she expected him to understand her reasons for retiring the most. She stood and handed Miral to B'Ellana, "I'm sorry B'E, but I can't stay. I just realized that I have an appointment to go to," she said and left while wiping a tear from her cheek. B'Ellana was looking furiously at Chakotay and Tom ran after Kathryn.
"You should have given her a chance, Chakotay. You both have a lot to explain to each other, and it's not going to be done unless you listen. She was ready to talk and to hear what you had to say. I hope she doesn't wait three more months to come around again," B'Ellana stood and walked away from Chakotay.
"Kathryn!" Tom yelled after her as she walked towards the nearest transport sight.
"What, Tom?" she said tiredly. She looked utterly defeated as she turned to look at him. This wasn't the woman he remembered bringing them triumphantly back into the Alpha Quadrant. This had to be the woman who was broken because of what Chakotay hadn't told her, and the assumptions that she made had shattered her.
"Please, don't go. We've really missed you Kathryn. Everyone has, even that big oaf in my house who was being a jerk. Come back, I'm sure by now B'Ellana has chewed him out and he's tamed," Tom looked at her hopefully.
Kathryn sighed, "Tom, I can't deal with that man right now. I thought I could, but I just can't. I've had to much big news today," she looked up at him, "I went to see the Doctor today, and he told me that I'm pregnant. Pregnant, Tom, at my age, with my horrible habits and bad relationship with my baby's father? How am I going to do it?"
"With our help," he said, coming up to her and hugging the suffering woman who had done so much for him, but he had had little chance to repay her until now.
"Thank you, Tom, I'll be counting on you two," Kathryn sniffed, "But I really can't stay here around Chakotay right now, walk me to the transport station and I'll give you my address there. I promise I won't disappear again."
Tom walked Kathryn to the transport station as asked, and saw her off. She lived somewhere in France, and by the looks of the coordinates, near the Mediterranean. He walked home, and there was Chakotay, sitting in the same position that he had left him about ten minutes ago. He heard B'Ellana working in the kitchen, and assumed that Miral was sleeping in her crib.
"Here," Tom handed Chakotay the transporter coordinates, "Go talk to her. You two need to figure out what is going on, and listen to her this time. Don't ignore her again."
Tom left to go find his wife, and Chakotay sat and stared at the coordinates. Suddenly, he jumped up and raced to the transport station. He was sitting and thinking about what a fool he was, and how the only thing that mattered to him in the entire world had just walked out the door because of him, and not likely to return for a long time. He wouldn't let that happen. He couldn't.
Once on the other side of the blue light, he could see her tiny figure walking down the old dirt lane towards a lovely little cottage.
"Kathryn!" he yelled at her and started running. She turned, and squinted into the fading sun to see who was following her. She could have sworn that it was Chakotay's voice yelling at her…
As the figure ran nearer, she recognized him as Chakotay, and turned and started walking home again. She didn't want to deal with him at the moment, and hoped that he would just go away.
"Kathryn, please, just talk to me. I promise I'll listen," Chakotay was desperately calling to her, but she kept walking.
Once Kathryn reached her front porch, she slipped off her shoes and walked around to the back, and started running towards the beach. When Chakotay reached the back of her house, he could barely see her red head bobbing up and down through the tall grass as she raced like lightning towards the beach. She had gotten faster since he last had seen her run.
The feel of the sea wind hitting her face as she ran was exhilarating. Even though she was with child, and probably shouldn't be running, she couldn't help it. And the sound of the waves crashing was so rhythmic and soothing, she felt the need to go faster, to get there as soon as she could so that she could sit and listen to it and forget everything that had happened in the last seven years if only for just a moment.
Kathryn sat in the cool sand for a few minutes, pulling up her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them and resting her chin on top. She stared at sea, mesmerized by its sound, color, movement, shape, smell, and everything else. She could hear the wildlife, and Chakotay sneaking up behind her. He could never sneak up on her, and everyone knew that he had tried a few times on Voyager, only to get shot down from his high totem pole of cockiness when she ended up surprising him.
"Hello Chakotay," she said, when she knew that he was a few feet away.
"I will figure out how you do that one day," he stopped behind her, trying to figure out what to say next. In his rush to get to her, he had had no time to think of what he was going to say once he found Kathryn; he only knew that he had to get to her before she disappeared for good.
"Well, what do you want?" Kathryn really wanted him to leave her alone.
"To talk to my best friend, if I haven't lost her yet. I really miss her and need her advice," Chakotay plopped down beside her, trying to ignore the fact that she scooted away from him, "So, there's this woman I'm in love with" he started off slowly, "and I'm pretty sure she used to be in love with me, but she and I both did some stupid things to hurt each other, and now I can only hope I haven't lost that love because she thinks that I'm in love with someone else. For you see, we had had an amazing night of love and passion while I was helping out another woman with her love life problems, since she was brand new to them. Now she and the Doctor are engaged to be married. So then I went to call the love of my life and-"
"Chakotay, I-"
"No, let me finish," Chakotay interrupted, not looking over at her. She looked at him, mouth slightly ajar, he had always let her speak when she had something to say, "Well, anyways, the love of my life disappeared, leaving me all alone, and I mean really alone. I was broken too; I couldn't get a hold of myself. I would wander from bar to bar, and drink away all of my pain. Finally one month after she had left, Tom Paris found me very drunk in a bar, and decided to take me home to a very angry Klingon, where I had to tell this story too, and she then proceeded to verbally smack some sense into me. After which, I was hired into Starfleet Academy, and now I'm teaching one class that I belong in and another that said Houdini Love of mine should be teaching," he turned to finally look at Kathryn, "Now, I've found my Houdini Love, and I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?" Chakotay looked into Kathryn's eyes. His eyes were filled with such pain and sadness, and unexpected tears. She was the one to look away first.
"You should have told her this earlier, and not left her in the dark, for one," she said, "There were some days in that time of my disappearance where I didn't know if I'd survive. I'd lay in bed, trying to drown out the silence by screaming, but nothing worked. One day I crawled out here, and found my blessed relief from the silence, from everything. It's been my solace ever since. Slowly, I've been able to reconnect with my mom, and I was just starting to reach out to our old crew today when I got some life changing news that I don't know how to deal with, and then you came crashing into my life again. It was you who pushed me into my depression in the first place, whether or not it was intended, you still did, and now I don't know what to think with all these problems sitting in my lap. I retired for a reason: to get away from all the messes."
"Kathryn," Chakotay reached out and laid a hand on hers, "you can tell me what the problem is, I'll be here to help you through it," he was offering his support, and Kathryn didn't know what to think. She looked up at him with wide, scared eyes. Would he really help her? He shouldn't. If she told him, would her run away, like she expected him to, or stay, like the old Chakotay would have?
"I'm pregnant," she whispered. His response was to hug her immediately.
"Congratulations, Kathryn," he whispered. He didn't ask who the father was, or how far along she was, just a simple congratulations. Chakotay was happy for her. He knew that she had always wanted a child, and he was happy for her, even if it wasn't his, "I'll be here if you need any help with the baby." But he shouldn't be. She had hurt him so much in the past, she didn't want to risk doing that again.
"Why? I don't understand why you'd want to help me, you don't even know if this child is yours, or some random guy I met in a bar," Kathryn pulled away from him, stood and started walking back to her home. She had made the decision that he shouldn't be around her. It was detremental to his health.
"Because Kathryn, this is something that has to do with you, and I know you care about this baby, even if you haven't thought about it yet. That's why I care, because you care. Is it so hard for you to understand that when it comes to you, I'm not at all selfish? That whatever you want, or need, comes first for me?" Chakotay stood and followed her while he answered her.
"Yes, it is!" Kathryn turned around swiftly to face him, "I cannot fathom why you still care so much for me! I've been so bad to you, hurt you, and pushed you away! Yet you still come running every time I even so much as stumble a little, just to steady me again. Chakotay," she looked into his eyes, "you have every reason to avoid me for the rest of your life, and instead you seek me out."
"Kathryn, that's because you are my best friend and the only person who I would be willing to live on an isolated planet with for the rest of my life. Kathryn, I've missed you so much, and I don't want you to leave me again, please?" his voice had gone soft, "I don't know if I'd survive." His eyes conveyed his need of her.
"God, Chakotay," Kathryn turned and started to pace, "I don't deserve you. We've hurt each other so much, and on my behalf, I'm so desperately sorry." She was looking at him now, sorrow filling her eyes, but there was a glint of determination in there, as though she had already made up her mind about something… Something like removing herself from his life because she brought him pain.
"You are not leaving me again Kathryn," Chakotay strode up to her and grabbed her by the arms as he gave her a fierce, desperate kiss.
"You can't tell me what to do," Kathryn said rather breathlessly, her limp body being held up by Chakotay, making her words sound less firm as she wanted them to be.
"Kathryn," with one hand firmly wrapped around her waist holding her up, his other hand came up to stroke her cheek with the back of his hand, "you may think that by disappearing from my life would be better for me, well, it isn't. Please, Kathryn, don't put me through losing you again." His eyes pleaded with hers.
"But we've hurt each other so much…" Kathryn tried to reason.
"Doesn't matter," Chakotay replied.
"What about my pregnancy?" she asked.
"If it's important to you, it's important to me," he told her.
"That's good, because the baby's yours," Kathryn smiled gently at him.
"What? Really? Are you sure? What about that guy that you met in a bar?" Chakotay teased.
"Well, you see, technically, I met you in a bar that night that we spent together," Kathryn looked down with an embarrassed look.
"So I'm going to be a father? Seriously?" Chakotay asked in wonderment.
"Yes," Kathryn was relieved that he was happy, "Are you sure that you want to be affiliated with the likes of me?"
"Absolutely," he leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss.
"Chakotay, let's go home," Kathryn grabbed his hand and led them home, after four months of being on Earth, they were finally Home.
AN: This is my first story that I'm posting up on FF.N, so please review!! I would love to know what you think. Comments, critisism, and complements are all welcome :D