Okay, seriously, I need to stop writing until 2 or 3 in the morning. I go to school. I need sleep. But I kind of made a bet with myself to see if I could reach 100 stories by Valentine's Day, so I'm not going to complain.
Um, I don't have much to say about this. There's no real plot. It was supposed to be serious, but it decided to be funny instead. I'm glad. I think I like it funny. Anyways, enjoy. The title is a Dixie Chicks song that harkens back to when this oneshot was supposed to be serious. But I think it still works a little.
I own nothing.
Addison Montgomery was drunk.
Actually, that was an understatement. Addison Montgomery was completely shit-faced, blackout drunk. At least she had the good grace to admit it to herself. And to everyone around her. Namely Joe.
"Joe," she slurs. "Y'shoulda cut me off waaaaaaay long ago. I am trashed."
"That's obvious," drawls a voice from behind her.
She spins and nearly falls off her stool. "Is your name Joe? I don't think so. I think your name is Karev and I think you should shut up because I'm drinking. And you are not invited to my drinking party."
Ah, yes, as usual, Addison Montgomery is drinking. And, as usual, Addison Montgomery is drinking because of men. Men with their stupid, smelly faces and stupid boy penises. Ha. She's sounding like Meredith Grey. Maybe if she starts acting like Meredith, Derek would take her back.
Nah. She doesn't want Derek. Not anymore. Well, she does, because she's ridiculously competitive and Meredith Grey has no boobs. Addison, Addison has a great rack. And legs. And face. And hair. Addison is sexy and Addison knows it. Addison is apparently referring to herself in the third person now.
"You should probably stop," he says, interrupting her mind-thoughts.
Mind-thoughts? Really? What other thoughts were there?
Then she looks at him. Oh, riiiiiiight. The horny thoughts. The drinking had almost been enough to make her forget about those thoughts. They didn't exactly come from her mind so they weren't really mind-thoughts. More ovary-thoughts. Vagina-thoughts, really.
She giggles at that.
"What's funny?" he asks.
"Vagina thoughts," she answers frankly.
He nearly spits out his drink at that.
"How come," she returns, "I just can't get men to stay interested in my vagina? Seriously."
No, seriously. What is up with the men in her life not wanting to have sex with her? She's not okay with that! Well, Mark would have sex with her. Mark will always have sex with her. But Mark would have sex with anybody. Any old body, so long as there was a vagina involved. Blargh. Stupid manwhore Mark.
Manwhore Mark. Another giggle bubbles from her lips. Alliteration is funny. Manwhore Mark. Mmmm. Manwhore Mark is a manwhore, but Manwhore Mark is yummy and delicious. And Manwhore Mark at least puts his manwhorish ways to good, bendy, acrobatic, leg-quivering use. Mmmm…
Addison needs to get laid. She says so. "Karev," she says very seriously. "I need to get laid. I need to have some very, very, very hot sex very, very soon or I'm going to do something completely stupid."
He tries not to laugh at her.
"Shut your stupid boy face," she pouts. "Boy faces suck. I should be a lesbian. Girls aren't stupid like you."
It's the second time that night he's almost spit out his drink.
"But, no," she sighs. "I have to be stupid and like boys. Stupid boys with stupid faces who stupidly mess with stupid coffee and are just stupid in general."
He looks a little nervous at the clear allusion to himself.
She glares at him. "You need to stop being so stupid and hot. Seriously. Because I'm tired and I want to sleep and I can't do that when I wake up every freaking night from hot, sweaty dreams like a stupid, horny teenage boy. I am a freaking teenage boy when you're around. Stupid." She blows a raspberry to fully illustrate her opinion of this assessment.
And there it was. The very first reason she's drinking. Not because Derek is with the teenager with no boobs, not because Manwhore Mark is manwhorish, but because she can't sleep. Because every time she closes her eyes, there are eyes and hands and she's been woken up to the sound of her own moans on more than one occasion. And she knows exactly whose stupid eyes and stupid hands they are because it's always the same stupid face.
Before she married Derek, her sex dreams were always about him. When he got stupid and lazy, she freaked out when Manwhore Mark started appearing. Being with Manwhore Mark had left her satiated enough that she didn't have stupid dreams. Back together with Derek, she started fantasizing about non-sucky sex. But then she found out about the non-sucky prom sex he'd had with No Boobs Grey and that went bye-bye and Manwhore Mark returned.
And now… Now her slutty sex dreams aren't about Dumb Derek (heehee, more alliteration) or Manwhore Mark. All Alex, all the time. And, ugh, she's frustrated and fed up and flipping out and she can think of at least one more f word she'd like to be.
He swallows and downs the rest of his drink.
"Oh, I don't think I shoulda said that," she comments. Now that she thinks about it, that was a really bad idea. Seriously. Whose idea was it to tell stupid lines o' deliciousness boy about the stupid dreams? They should be shot. Seriously.
"That's it," he says. "I'm taking you home."
She cheers up substantially.
"Not like that," he continues when he sees her face. "You're going home and sleeping this off."
She pouts. "So no sex?"
"No," he replies firmly.
She sighs. "You better get your act together, Karev, or I'm gonna literally explode. Literally. Kaboom."
She seems very serious about the prospect.
He calls them a cab and she fumbles to remember the name of that stupid hotel place thingy. It's got something to do with arches. Like McDonalds. Oooh, crappy food sounds so yummy right now.
Fortunately, Alex seems to be able to understand what she's trying to say and gives the name to the driver. Driver gives Alex a knowing look.
"No, it's not like that," Addison insists, even though nobody asked her. Nobody ever asks her anything anymore. So she just shoves her way in. "He won't sleep with me. I don't know why. It's very annoying."
The driver turns his attention to the road. Maybe he wants her too. Everybody wants a piece of her. They just don't want to keep that piece of her. Not. Fair.
She hits a wall all of a sudden. "Sleepy," she announces. She puts her head on Alex's shoulder and he doesn't make her move. In fact, he pays the driver and helps her out of the car. But she's tired and wobbly, so she collapses onto the pavement. For a moment, she looks stunned. And then the peals of hysterical laughter start.
He rolls his eyes and helps her up. When it becomes clear that even a vaguely straight line is impossible, he simply gathers her into his arms and carries her. She's impressed.
"Give me your key," he demands.
"It's mine! My key! You can't have my key. It's mine. And y'know what? You can't have my vagina either. So there." She sticks her tongue out at him.
"What is it with you and vaginas tonight?" he asks, not even bothering to hide his smile.
"I'm a baby doctor. We see a lot of vagina. You could be a baby doctor too, did you know that? You'd be good. Very good. 'Specially if I taught you. I'm the best. Did you know that? I'm the very best in the whole wide country. Maybe even in the world and parts of Canada."
He laughs at the sheer absurdity of her statement, but there's a little swell of pride. She can see it. It makes her feel good about herself.
They make it to her room and he charms into handing over her key after she fumbles with it for awhile, insisting that she is so perfectly capable of opening her own door that it's not even funny at all.
He helps her into her pjs, even has her brush her teeth before allowing her to lie down in her bed. "You're nice, Karev," she says as she snuggles into the comforter and pillows. She's already starting to drift off. Right when he thinks she's drifted off to dreamland, she says murmurs, "I like you." And then it's lights out for Addison.
He smiles, a little softer than anyone would ever expect from Alex Karev. "I like you too," he says quietly. Then he makes sure to put Advil and water on her nightstand, flips out the lights, and leaves her to her sleep.
Hope this was a good way to pass a couple minutes!
-Juli-