Silence invaded the plane as one by one, each of the exhausted agents succumbed to a restful sleep.
But Spencer couldn't sleep. Because every time he closed his eyes, he was haunted by a vision of a beautiful woman lying dead in a pool of her own blood. His woman.
Maeve.
No. He would not sleep.
Not tonight.
He stared out the jet window, absently fiddling with his fingers. He wouldn't let himself rest. Not after what he'd let happen.
Across from him, Morgan stirred. The older agent shot Reid a questionable glance, one of underlying concern and pity.
"Hey, pretty boy, you good?"
For a second, Reid considered letting the matter drop. He'd tell his best friend that he was "good," Morgan would go back to sleep, and he would be left alone to suffer in silence. But this was Morgan, and he felt that he could trust the man with his dark thoughts.
He took a deep, shaky breath before he answered, "Not exactly."
Morgan sat up in his seat, cautiously analyzing, yet his interest was piqued. He had seen the change in the young agent as he dealt with the death of his girlfriend, but he hadn't pursued the matter. He knew that Reid would talk when he was ready.
He met his friend's eyes, inviting him to continue.
Reid bit his lower lip and looked down at his hands, fidgeting ever so slightly before speaking.
"She died because of me," he stated with conviction.
He lifted his head, his eyes filled with sudden tears.
"Morgan, I killed her."
"You can't possibly believe that."
"Morgan, I was right there. She was right in front of me. I could have done something more to save her. I could've done anything more!"
He was visibly shaking now, his fists clenched in anger and regret, the tears running freely down his face.
"Kid, listen to me. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened that night. You did everything you could, and it just wasn't enough. It happens, and it's horrible, but it wasn't your fault."
I saw your face.
I heard your voice.
I held on to a hope and a dream.
And I lost it all.
And I am so sorry.
"But it was. Morgan, I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now. Everything hurts, and I can't make it stop, and I just want…" He stopped suddenly, his voice breaking as his heart did.
Morgan met his eyes. "You just want her."
Reid nodded, his bottom lip trembling as he struggled to compose himself.
"I understand."
A flash of confusion across the younger agent's face.
I held her blood-stained body.
I felt the chill of death in her hands.
I couldn't let her go.
And I lost her too.
"Emily?"
Morgan nodded. "Emily."
He understood completely.
What it felt like to lose someone so close, and how it felt to get there too late. The guilt and anger and regret for actions taken too late. The blame he placed on himself for the sudden loss of a precious life.
"I'm sorry."
The ghost of a sad smile upon his face.
"So am I, Reid." Morgan leaned back in his seat and sighed, remembering the hell he'd gone through after Emily's death. "So am I."
A solemn moment passed between the two men.
"Does it get easier? Well, did it get easier?"
Morgan turned his gaze back to his friend, his eyes watering with unshed tears.
"It does…after a while. At first, you can't think about anything else without seeing her face. You think about what you could've done differently, you rehearse the scenes over and over in your head. What were once dreams become nightmares, and you find yourself stuck in an endless cycle – each time, you're too late to save her. You're angry and depressed, and you feel like there's no one in the world who could possibly understand what you're going through. You feel like you're the only one who cares so much. And it hurts like hell. But you realize that the most you can do with yourself is to keep living as you once did. You have to move on, because that's what she would have wanted for you. The pain of the loss starts to numb, but it's always there under the surface. She never lets you go."
Reid turned away, wrapping his arms around his body as he did so.
"And the dreams?" He wondered aloud, staring out of the narrow window.
"I saved her."
Caught unaware by the response, Reid glanced up at Morgan, a glimmer of hope flitting across his face.
The older agent only held his gaze, his face void of all emotion as he sunk back into the past.
"It happened once," he said, his voice barely above a whisper, "And after that…every night I saved her."
The first part was improvised, something similar, yet different each time…
Please, you don't want to do this.
Why?
Because you're worth saving, Diane. And so is she. All you have to do is let her go, and I promise you that we will do everything in our power to help you. Just let her go.
He'd seen this before, seen it play out again and again…
Take me instead.
You would do that? You would give your life for her?
Yes.
She would speak to him…
Thomas Merton.
Who—who is Thomas Merton?
He's the one thing you will never take from us.
And what came next was always impossible to stop…
Diane, drop the gun.
No, this was different.
Morgan had snuck up behind her and had pressed his gun to the back of her head.
I said, drop it!
And she did.
The unsub let go of her hostage and her gun, and suddenly found her hands cuffed behind her back.
Spencer!
She was in his arms. He could smell her hair and feel her warmth. She was real and alive and in his arms.
I love you.
I know.
He'd said it.
He'd finally said it.
He laughed out loud, smiling at the feeling inside of his chest. Relief and happiness and hope for what was to come.
I saved you.
He delighted in her smile, the way her dimples creased as she grinned up at him.
And I will spend the rest of my life thanking you for that.
The jet began its slow descent down to the Virginian ground, tilting as it went. Sunlight streaked through the plane, causing its occupants to stir from their slumber. The two agents sat in a sullen silence, watching as the clouds parted below them as the rest of their BAU family prepared for landing.
"Does it help?"
Morgan looked up at Reid. "Does what help?"
"Saving her even when it didn't actually happen?"
Morgan's smile didn't quite reach his eyes, but he answered all the same.
"More than you know..."