SCENE ONE
(enter Hilary Duff)
Hilary: *with phone in hand* Hello?
*phone rings*
Hilary: Aahhh! (drops phone) DAVID!
(enter David)
David: Huh?
Hilary: *sniffle* The phone yelled at me..*
David: (Pushes TALK button) Hello, Hilari Duff's phone
Phone: (Charlie Brown parent-esque noises)
David: I see. (turns to Hilari) It's McDonalds. They want you to do a commercial for them.
Hilary: (giggly) to that Justin Timberlake song! Yay! He's so cute..
David: Miss Duff will be there
SCENE TWO-(the next day)
Hilary: (enter local McDonald's) I'm heeerrrre!
Director: Hello Miss Duff. We'll be underway in a matter of minutes. We're just waiting for your co-star.
Hilary (to David) hear that David? I get a cute boy co-star!
Director: (opens mouth to correct her, but changes his mind, shrugs and walks away)
(Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne starts blasting in the background)
Hilary: (reading last line) Actually, I've changed the English language. Instead of a 'background', it's a 'Duffground'..
(Enter Avril Lavigne, skateboarding. Zoom back to reveal two stagehands pushing her)
Avril: Ollie me!
(Two wires attached to a harness she's wearing lift her off her skateboard deck. The stage hands flip her board. She's lowered cautiously back onto the board)
Avril: Yeah! I rock! Rock on! (flashes 'call me' sign)
Avril's Assistant: Umm.. Avril? That's the 'call me' sign. Rock on is this (does 'Rock on' signal)
Avril: *long pause* Oh. (changes hand sign)
(Two teenage girls dressed in poser-punk run in. They are out of breath, and yet manage to scream uncontrollably)
Avril fan: AVRIL! I LOVE YOU!
Avril (to McDonald's staff) Have you met Heather? She's my number one fan!
Avril fan #2: I love you too Avril!!
Avril: And this is my number two fan, Kelly!
Hilary: What is this? Avril Lavigne is my cute boy co-star?! I got totally gipped! *pouts* Avril may ACT like a boy, but she is lacking in areas!
Avril: Yes.. *shifty eyes* lacking...
DIrector: Okay ladies, let's get to business. Here are your scripts! (hands them scripts)
Hilary: This is unbelievable! I'm not portraying a pink, three-hit, band ignoring, teen sensation!
Avril: And I'm not portraying a spoilt, singer-who-found-her-start-on-a-kids-show, idol to young seven year olds everywhere!
Hilary&Avril: WHAT KIND OF LOSER IS LIKE THAT?!?!?!?
*NEWS FLASH!*
Announcer: (comes out of nowhere) This just in! Avril Lavigne is *gasp* BLONDE!
Avril: Nooooooooooo! I'm melting! (Avril begins to dissolve into a puddle on the floor)
Hilary: (screams) David! Help! She's getting on my shoes!
Avril: Before I die.. I want everyone to know, I hate my fans! Both of them!
Heather&Kelly: *sniffle* (they walk off)
David: Allow me.. (David picks up Hilary and places her well out of the way, then proceeds to bend down and sweep up Avril)
(From outside we hear whistles and 'David!)
David: (turning and spots boy wearing football-esque pants and cropped football jersey) Jordan! (slips into gay lisp) I thought I dumped you!
Jordan: Oh, you'll never dump me honey...
Hilary: David, I think some of Avril's tie got on my shoe! It's starting to boil! (Hilary starts prancing from foot to foot)
Jordan: Oh. My. God! You're HIlary Duff! You're like, my fashion idol!
Hilary: (mysteriously slips into gay lisp) Honey, you know I'd never wear that shirt with those pants.. (To David) I didn't know you had such a cool brother..
David: Jordan's not my brother-
Jordan: *grins gaily.. gayly*
David: He's just my friend...
Jordan: Friend? Just a friend?! (Jordan slaps David)
Hilary: (Once again in lisp) Oh. My. God. I smell cat fight! (sits down on magickally appearing pink, poofy beanbag chair)
(Jordan hisses. Just before Jordan and David start to fight, the Director enters)
Director: Gentlemen! Settle down!
Jordan: David started it! (Jordan flips his hair)
Director: I don't care who started it! Now, where's Avril.. Avril? (Hilary shuffles her feet) Hilary..? What happened?
Hilary: It wasn't my fault! She melted!
Director: Very well.. *sighs* (into a walkie-talkie) Send in the replacement.
Hilary: Oh! Is it Justin Timberlake? (to David) Oh my God! I'm in a commercial with Justin (screams)
Director: (Is about to correct Hilary yet again, but shrugs and walks away)
Adrian: Okay! I'm here.. What do you want?
Hilary: You.. You aren't Justin!
Adrian: I should bloody well hope not!
(Wardrobe runs in)
Wardrobe: Adrian put these on. (Wardrobe hands over clothes to Adrian. He unfolds them, revealing a pair of plaid pants, tie, and white tank-top)
Adrian: (in disbelief) There is no way in God's green earth....
Wardrobe: Adrian.. (She taps her foot impatiently)
Adrian: Do I have to? (Wardrobe nods. Adrian saunters offstage muttering random profanities)
Hilary: (To David) He really isn't Justin.. I can't believe it! Twice in one day! (Hilary stamps her foot)
(Adrian returns moments later. The plaid pants appear at least two sizes too small, and the white tank top shows off his stomach)
Wardrobe: (She sounds satisfied) There. Spitting image of Avril..
(Adrian looks stunned and almost hurt.)
Hilary: Well... Are we going to do this? And who are you?
Adrian: I, my insignificant friend, am Adrian. The greatest drummer to ever grace Cradle of Filth with my presence!
Hilary: Then why aren't you out there Cradle-of-Filth-ing?
Adrian: *sigh* I.. (A single tear rolls down his cheek) I was fired from Late Night with Dani Filth..
(Dani Filth runs in and points at Adrian)
Dani: And don't expect to get your sorry arse re-hired! (He runs off. There is a pause, then he runs back in)
Dani: Get Nymphetamine! (he howls, then runs off again)
Adrian: Things haven't been the same since..
Hilary: Reallllly... So anyways... (Hilary looks over to David and mouths- Who is he again?)
David: (Cuts off Hilary as he gets 'cozy' with Jordan)
Adrian: Is it just me, or do these pants make me look fat?
Hilary: No, no they're fine.
(Adrian turns around and attempts to see his behind)
Jordan: Ooh! I like! (Adrian stops suddenly, looks up, and blushes. David playfully pokes Jordan in the stomach)
(The director walks in)
Director: Okay, let's get started. Miss Duff, you have you script. Where has Miss Lavigne's gone? (Hilary shrugs)
Director: Okay.. (To Adrian) You. Just nod your head, smile, and agree with whatever Miss Duff says, okay?
Adrian: Okay.. (Long pause) I think I've got it.
Director: Great! (He walks offstage) Action!
Hilary: Mmmm! I love McDonald's!
Adrian: (Nods his head and smiles) Yeah, I agree!
Hilary: Their food is soo yummy!
Adrian: (Nods his head and smiles) Yep! I agree!
Hilary: So, Avril, what's your favourite McDish?
Adrian: (Nods his head and smiles) Yeah, I agree!
(Man giggling is heard from offstage. We see Jordan and David tickling each other)
David: (Still in gay lisp) Mmm.. *giggle* Baby not now..
(Jordan leads David by the hand into the Custodian's closet. Jordan hums, 'I Believe in Miracles')
(Hilary and Adrian inch away from away from the closet.)
(Director enters)
Director: Wow, that was- (He is cut off by man-giggling. The three slowly turn to the closet)
Director: What... What was that? (More man-giggling)
Adrian: That's it! First the outfit, then two men having gay sex in the closet! I can't work in these conditions! I quit! (There is a long pause)
Hilary: Aren't you supposed to like, leave now?
Adrian: (Yelling) What is it with you silly teen pop sensations and these daft ideas you get in your head?!
Director: Well, Hilary does have a point......... Traditionally, the diva does storm out of the room........ (Hilary sticks her tongue out at Adrian. Adrian returns the gesture by flipping her the British bird.)
Director: Now Adrian.........(Adrian pouts. There is a brief silence. It is interrupted by grunts drifting from the closet.)
Jordan: (grunts) I love you David!
David: I love you Jordan! (Sighs and pants)
Hilary: Wow! It's so nice to hear to brothers say they love each other! (The Director and Adrian exchange worried glances)
Adrian: Yes......... Brothers.........
Hilary: I think I'll go congratulate them!
Adrian: NOOOO! (He grabs Hilary by the waist and pull her back)
Hilary: Um.........Er.........Uhh.........You.........Wouldn't want to.........um.........disturb them while they're making......... progress! Yes! Progress.. Yes......... *shifty eyes*
Hilary: I like the way you think! (Hilary hugs Adrian. Adrian is shocked, he doesn't return the hug, but rather pats her on the back)
Director: I hate to interrupt this touching moment.. Adrian, I think you're wanted. (The director points to the band Cradle of Filth with their faces pressed against the window. Dani sees the director point at them)
Dani: RUUNNNN!! (The band scampers away)
Adrian: One moment please. (Adrian walks outside. A gun shot is heard)
Dani: Cor blimey! Right in the arm!
(Adrian walks back in, with a pistol smoking in his hand)
Adrian: I think that's the last we'll see of that lot!
(the band reappears at the window)
Adrian: (spotting band) That's it! I've had it! (Adrian forgets about David and Jordan and walks to the closet to fetch a broom to beat away the band.) Cor blimey! What the bloody hell is this?! (He fumbles about blindly)
Jordan: Ooh! A prettyful boy! Let's grab him! (The snatch at Adrian and pull him into the closet. The door clicks ominously behind him)
Adrian: No! Dear god! Help me!!! (He screams)
Director: (Is alerted by Adrian's screams) Boys, boys, I think it's time to come out of the closet.
(Jordan and David stick their heads out of the door)
Jordan: Mr.. (looks at Director's name tag) Nick, technically, we are out closet, if you know what I mean..
Director: I mean get out of the physical closet!
David: You want to get physical , eh? (Raises eyebrow)
(Jordan and David burst into a complicated dance routine to 'Let's Get Physical' by Olivia Newton John.)
Hilary: Umm.. can we get back to me now? I mean, just look at how pretty I am!
Director: Not now, Hilary. Wardrobe? (Wardrobe rushes in) Now, who do you think is the better dancer?
Wardrobe: Hmm.. Tough call! I'd have to say Jordan, he has killer thighs!
Director: Hmm.. that's true, but David has those sculpted shoulders..
(Adrian emerges from the closet. His hair is messy, his pants ripped, and his shirt has been......... lost)
Adrian: I'm sorry......... Miss Duff, I was just raped by your body guard. (She doesn't appear to care) Mightn't you have a smidgen of sympathy?
Hilary: Umm......... No. I guess not.
(Jordan and David finish their dance routine)
Director: Bravo! That was amazing!
David: We do Flashdance too! (The start doing parts of the Flashdance dance sequences)
Martin: (From outside) WOO! Work those sexy legs! (The band members glare at him) What? I'm no-
Paul: hmm?
Martin: I'm not-
Paul: Sorry, I didn't catch that.
Martin: I'm not-
Paul: You have to speak up!
Martin: QUEER!
(Jordan and David stop dancing)
Jordan: Did someone say queer? (Everyone points at Martin. Jordan and David look at each other, then run outside.. Martin runs away, out of sight. Jordan and David chase him. There is a loud 'thud')
Martin: (offstage voice) Gerroffme! No! STOP!!
David: (also offstage) Well you won't be needing those.........
Martin: Dani! Dani?! Help me!!
Dani: (Adjusts his leather jacket) Well, it's Dani Filth to the rescue......... as bloody usual (Dani walks off)
Martin: Cor blimey! Were you born with that?! Wait! Where are you gonna put that!? Oi! Not there mate! NOO!!!
(A spraying noise is heard)
Dani: (now offstage) That's it! Get off him! Off!
Jordan: Oh no! Not my new Moi-Meme-Moitie shoes! Retreat! (Jordan and David run back inside. They're soaking wet)
Hilary: Wow! How'd you get so wet? It must be pouring out!
Adrian: Did you not just hear that? Are you deaf?
Hilary: No, just naive.
(Martin limps back to the window with Dani's help. Once again, they press their faces to the window)
Director: Look, why don't you just come inside? (The band huddles and whispers to each other)
Dani: With that lot? We'd love to! (They walk inside)
Hilary: (To Adrian) Is that that band? Bucket of Dirt or something?
Adrian: (To Hilary) It's Cradle of Filth......... And you're just clueing into this now?
Hilary: Yep!
Dani: (To Martin) Really, you've got to stop getting yourself raped! That's the third time this week.........
Hilary: Well, when you're so adorable and talented.........
Martin: Yeah! Wait......... what?
Hilary: It must be hard......... Being so young and in such a great band.........
Martin: Really now? What's your favourite Cradle of Filth song?
David: This isn't an interrogation! Leave Miss Duff alone! (He whispers to Hilary) He's mine, bi-atch!
Hilary: Oh no he isn't!
David: Oh yes he is! (Hilary bitch-slaps David)
David: Oh no you didn't!
Hilary: Oh yes I did!
Jordan: Ladies.........
Dani: (To Martin) As I was saying, there's a little trick I want you to learn. (To Adrian) You! Over 'ere! (Adrian walks cautiously over. ) Now, Martin, watch and learn. (He kicks Adrian in his......... Filthhood) That's for shooting me!
(Adrian collapses on the floor)
Adrian: (In a very high pitched voice) Those.. those are st-st-st-steel toed boots!
Dani: (Grins evily) I know.........
TWO HOURS LATER
(Adrian and the Director are no longer in the room. The director enters)
Director: Well, He's going to need testicle recovery surgery.
(All glare at Dani)
Dani: I say he kicked himself in the balls!
(Everyone taps their foot in unison)
Dani: (pause) I've gotta go! (Dani runs outside. He climbs over one side of the fence, and falls down the other side) (muttering) Why would someone build a fence around McDonald's? (He picks himself up and brushes himself off) Daft idea.. (He runs off)
(There is a looooooooooonnnnnnnng silence)
Hilary: Hey, what do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
Director: What?
Hilary: They both have boys clothes half off!
Martin: Where'd that come from?
Hilary: Her. (She points towards the window we see a girl walking by)
Paul: Who is she?
Girl: I'm Alex!
Hilary: What are you doing?
Alex: Making a cameo!
Director: Okay.. Carry on.
(Alex continues walking)
Alex: Well, bye!
All: Bye!
SCENE THREE
(Adrian returns)
All: Adrian!! (They glomp him)
Adrian: (his speech is slurred as though he's drunk) 'Allo everyone... It's lovely to be back (pause) hooooooommmeeee....
David: What have you had to drink?!
Adrian: It ssstarted with the......... drug thing......... Morphine......... Yes! Morphine.........
Jordan: Honey, I've had many a hang over. I know one when I see one.
Adrian: Now that's not very nice! (To Hilary) You're a very gretty pirl......... (He puts his arm around her)
Hilary: EW! He smells like my daddy after work!
(The director sniffs around Adrian)
Adrian: Oi mate......... Don't enter the *hic* Adrian bubbly.........
Director: It's some kind of alcohol.........
Martin: (Sniffs Adrian too) It's Hill's Absinthe ......... (sniffs again) From 1942, wonderful year.........
David: A) How do you know that? and B) Isn't absinthe illegal in the U.S?
Martin: A) I'm a drunk.
(Paul pulls a bottle Jack Daniel's out of Martin's coat pocket)
Paul: It's true!
Martin: and B) Who says we're in the U.S?
(We look out the other window and see Buckingham Palace. The Queen falls out one of the windows)
Dani: (From the window she just fell out of) It's my throne now!
Guard 1: What should we do?
Guard 2: I don't know! I'm new! All they did was teach us how to stay emotionless!
Guard 1: Let's do that.
(They stiffen and look blank)
Adrian: Oh no! Not shupermaaaaaaaaaan!
Martin: Adrian, That wasn't Superman. That was Queen Elizabeth......... (He takes off his hat)
Adrian: Oh......... She haaaaaddd a good run.........
James: Show some respect!