Author's Note: So I've wanted to do this one for awhile. Just to be clear, this is a one shot where the Turks and AVALANCHE all work in an ice cream store together. Hope you enjoy! Please review and let me know what you think!
"What part of the word 'work' do you not understand?" Tifa shouted, hands on her hips, glaring in frustration at the pathetic bunch in front of her, moving clumsily about as they lazily attempted to appear as though being useful. Reno raised his hand. "Shut up!" Fire flashed in the dark-haired woman's eyes.
"It was a rhetorical question," Tseng explained, appearing in the doorway behind Tifa, casually brushing non-existent dust from his suit. Reno put his hand down.
"What does rhetorical mean?" Yuffie said loudly.
"Your mom!" Cid yelled from the back room where he was supposed to be running the ice cream making machines.
"Can I just have my ice cream now?" whimpered a frightened looking man. Barrett thrust a cone at the customer, the ice cream half-melted by now. "Uh…" the man looked at the now not-so-tasty treat.
"What?" Barrett practically roared in the man's face. Jumping, the customer threw some money onto the counter and ran for his life, clutching the mostly crushed ice cream cone.
"That is no way to treat a customer, Barrett!" Tifa reprimanded.
"You should learn from my example," Reno grinned, digging a heaping spoonful of ice cream out of the freezer and popping it into his mouth.
"No!" Tifa smacked her palm down on the counter, making the coins jump, "We're loosing enough money in this joint what with Reno accepting 'alternative' means of payment from the female customers. We don't need anyone else starting that too!" Instead of knocking some reason, perhaps even some shame into the employees as she had hoped, Tifa's words seemed to have no effect except to make them more unruly. Reno was now smirking and receiving many enthusiastic high-fives from his male co-workers.
"I agree with you, Tifa," Elena spoke up loudly, her arms crossed over her chest as she glared haughtily at Reno, "I think it's disgusting. I come in here every day, and work my ass off only to have the rest of you-"
"What the hell does Sephiroth think he's doing?" Tifa cut Elena off abruptly, with no apology, vaulting over the counter and storming out the door. Dressed in a huge ice cream cone costume with nothing but his feet and face showing, Sephiroth was rolling around on the pavement outside, knocking pedestrians off their feet.
"You're supposed to be attracting customers, not trying to get them killed!" Tifa was exasperated.
"I can't help it!" Sephiroth snapped, "I fell over and since I'm completely encased in this damned thing, I can't get up!" Tifa turned to Rude, who was standing next to the door with his arms crossed, perfecting the look of total intimidation.
"Why didn't you help him up?" she pointed to the ice cream cone floundering around on the sidewalk.
"I, uh, well," Rude blushed, twiddling his thumbs and looking everywhere but at the girl speaking to him, "The bouncer isn't supposed to be picking people off the street. I'm supposed to keep the scum out!"
"How many times do I have to tell you?" Tifa sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "This is an ice cream shop! Not a night club! We don't need a bouncer!"
"Yes, we do," Reno contradicted, poking his head out the door, "We can't have the place overrun with obnoxious, sticky-handed little children! Now stop goofing off out here and come inside. Vincent has trapped one of the customers again and is making her listen to his pathetic life-story."
"Rude, if I catch you trying to turn any customers away, I won't ever speak to you again. Why don't you make yourself useful and stop Vincent on your own?" she questioned Reno.
"I am being useful. I'm being the eye candy," he grinned impishly.
"This is an ice cream shop, not a candy store," Tifa shot back quickly, "Now help Sephiroth. Prop him up against a wall or something so he doesn't fall over again. Try and look yummier, Sephiroth!" Tifa marched back inside, cracking her knuckles. She narrowly missed being hit in the face with a flying glob of hot fudge.
"SAVE ME!" Tseng's wails sounded like those of a thousand dying cats. Tifa's motley crew of employees were attacking her assistant manager, smearing his pristine suit with ice cream and ice cream toppings. "There are sprinkles in my eye!"
As soon as they noticed Tifa approaching, everyone froze for a split-second before bolting, trying to look as though they'd been busy working all along. Faces filled with child-like guilt, they all pointed a finger at someone else.
"I told you not to play with the ice cream," Yuffie added, attempting to blame it entirely on Tseng. The raven-haired man had long since fled, probably seeking refuge in the one place he felt safe: the dry-cleaners.
"I'll deal with you in a moment," Tifa glared at them, heading towards the corner where Vincent had a poor young woman cornered. From the sound of it, he was just getting to when his pet frog died when he was eight. "Wait."
Tifa turned slowly back to face her employees. They all wore suspiciously charming smiles as they busily did what was supposed to appear like work. In reality, Cid was stirring a bucket of dish-water, Yuffie was scooping sprinkles from one cup to another, and Barrett was shuffling the napkins.
"Where's Elena?" Tifa questioned, the words deathly serious. No one answered, but at least one of them audibly gulped. Everyone kept their eyes down and 'worked' harder. "Uh huh." Tifa hopped onto the counter, swinging her legs over and poking Cloud with her foot. "Cloud, sweetie," she spoke coaxingly, "Stop washing that outlet before you get electrocuted and come over here." The former SOLDIER put down the rag reluctantly and turned to face her, coming a few tiny steps closer. He kept his eyes on the ground, clearly nervous. "Where's Elena?" Silence. Tifa hooked her feet around the backs of his knees, pulling him closer to her. "Aw, be a good boy and tell me." The silence was so profound, except of course for the constant drone of Vincent's melancholy tone, one could, and did in fact, hear a sprinkle drop. Tifa's finger's walked up Cloud's chest. A sweat drop appeared on his forehead.
"Ok! Fine!" he snapped, "She's in the freezer! They locked her in the freezer!"
"Thank you," Tifa said, her voice still carrying the dangerously sweet tone. She leaped down from the counter, hurrying to save Elena from the chilly depths of the industrial sized freezer. Who knew what dangers lurked in there. Reno had made several allusions to a 'pet' of a rather mysterious nature that lived in there. Cid had made some indirect comments, which led Tifa to believe that he knew about this freezer-creature and that one should never, under any circumstances wear the color yellow when venturing in. Tifa had to pick her battles however, and this time she chose to save Elena and leave hunting this creature down for another day.
Besides there was still this poor woman to be saved from Vincent's tales of woe, and a shout from Yuffie could only mean more trouble.
"Reno's kicking Sephiroth into the path of oncoming traffic. Is that ok?"
"Excuse me!" an outraged customer approached the counter, "There is cigarette ash in my ice cream!"
"Oh, that's mine," Cid shouted from the back, where he had his chair kicked up on two legs as he drunk from a bottle of rum, holding a lit cigarette over a bucket of ice cream.
"I expect a replacement!" the customer continued. Barrett grabbed the cone, licked it, and handed it back.
"It still tastes fine! The ash gives it texture, now get out!"
"I think Sephiroth's been hit by a car!"
"Why does this ice cream smell like rum?"
"Shit! I must have poured rum in there by accident! What a waste of perfectly good alcohol!" Cid complained.
"Is the ice cream cone suit supposed to have blood on it?"
"Tifa! Can I get a raise?"
"Holy shit, I think Sephiroth is going to kill Reno!"
"If she gets a raise, I get a bonus! Right, Tifa?"
"How can he kill him? I didn't think we were allowed to carry weapons at work!"
"Right, Tifa?"
"Tifa!"
"TIFA!"
With a start, Tifa sat up abruptly in bed, clutching the sheets to her chest and panting, her eyes wide with fear.
"Tifa?" Cloud's piercing blue eyes looked at her quizzically, "You were having a nightmare. Are you ok?"
"Yeah," she breathed deeply of the cool night air and laid back down again, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just whenever I think about hiring anyone to work in the bar, remind me that I work best on my own."
Author's Note: Funny. LOL. I love this. I cried I was laughing so hard when I read this to my sister. She helped come up with some of it. Anyway, review please! Ice cream cones for all who review! Not really. =P