She leaves shortly after, not feeling up to sticking around when her heart feels considerably impaired. A small part of her was expecting some kind of display from Mariah, just not the one she got. A much bigger part of her was hoping, rather futilely, Mariah would lay this to bed and agree to be friends like they had before.
Which, on reflection, is a particularly selfish prayer — especially when she has yet to lay it to bed, either, but Mariah doesn't need to know that. Nobody does for that matter.
She can put on a façade with ease. Its one of only a few things from her childhood she can put to good use; creating a persona to the outside world so she can keep all which is real inside.
Her truth is valuable, and not everybody deserves to know it.
Mariah deserves to know, though.
She blinks the thought away and wanders down the street.
She enters the cinema on a whim, and finds herself crawling into the closest seat to watch whatever throwback movie is playing.
I want you in my life, too; I do, but not like this
She digs her elbow into the armrest, pressing her fingers to her temple, trying to focus on the movie. She hadn't the faintest what it is about. Some guy and girl are sitting next to each other, having a discussion about shampoo and vices.
How can this work?
I don't know, but we got this far
[…] in starting over we can get some place different
Some place we never imagined?
If only it were as simple as a movie; to have love prevail over anything life brings.
Tessa knows otherwise.
Life is not some fancy concoction. Living in Chicago, having her sister, her brother, it was unorthodox. Her parents weren't parental. And she knows parents are supposed to be guardians, to help shelter children and raise them in a home.
The idea of home has never existed for Tessa — well, up until now.
Its not something she's accustomed to, being surrounded by people who care; to have security, to not worry about money, to have a place to inhabit. The idea of achieving the dream always seemed too good to be true. Whimsical, almost, like a pipe-dream.
She could never have known stepping into The Underground would change so much of that; alter qualities innate to her DNA.
Noah was immediately the knight, and there was an ember of attraction the second she saw him.
Mariah however, was the queen, and there was a storm raging inside of her the second she heard her speak (and it only grew with time).
Still, Tessa pursues the dream. This is what society advertises as healthy and normal, after all.
The more time went on, the more she was thrust into Noah's corner. She watched Mariah and Devon grow closer, and she was mostly happy for them but not entirely. Not when she felt this pull to Mariah; this attraction which proved constant and active, but never articulated.
Instead she surrendered to friendship, to immersing herself in hanging out with Mariah, confiding in and trusting her.
And Noah, the absolute gentleman, grew to be constant; however, the ember never took to anything, instead it just burned like a dying fire, goading the fact there is nothing more to latch onto. She has dedicated so much time in Noah, investing so much of herself, that she can't stop now: she resigns to is this quiet, and almost dormant, love.
The volume startles her attention back to the movie and the next thing she knows, she's watching the woman walk into a candlelit apartment. Its cheesy, and she could see Noah do something similar. With this thought in mind, she waits for the butterflies to arrive but they never do.
She can hear the audience react to the couple onscreen and it makes her want to claw out her eyes.
The more she tries to force herself to feel something, the more numb she becomes.
She can still recall the moment Mariah slowly turned to face her, mouth agape, as if any sudden movement would tarnish it. The way she gingerly brought her hand up to caress her cheek—testing the waters before diving in—had her completely enthralled.
She didn't have to wait for the butterflies, then. No, she was overcome the second their eyes met. It was like she could feel the chemistry between them, and when Mariah had the courage to kiss her, everything clicked into place. The depth of feeling consumed her, and she rode the wave with Mariah, lips clasped together until it was over.
It was abrupt but riveting, all at once.
There was this tiny moment where reality was suspended, and they just existed together. It was a defining moment for Tessa because if she was being honest with herself, it was the closest she's ever come to experiencing home.
The credits roll, and Tessa finds herself sitting in the empty room, wondering what to do with herself now. She didn't want to go back to Noah's. Well, back to where she lives with Noah. She couldn't bring herself to act like everything is fine, not just yet. She needs time to digest what's happened.
Its like she's grieving for something she never had, a missed opportunity, which she carries with her, always.
She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to center herself. The loss is great, the words from their conversation overwhelming her. If only Mariah would read between the lines and take a hint. If only she could be honest with Mariah about not being ready for her yet.
"You know, this movie sucks." She snaps her head to the side, eyes wide open. Sat there is Mariah, with her hand delving into a bag of popcorn as she looks straight ahead. Its an uncanny sight, for it reminds her of the times of being at the ranch; watching silly movies together and poking fun at each other.
"Next time I'm choosing what we watch." Mariah then shoves some popcorn into her mouth, and looks to Tessa, quirking a smile her way. She doesn't respond, not when she fails to compute how Mariah got here, let alone why she would choose to sit next to her after everything that went down earlier. She goes to open her mouth but Mariah's brow shoots up,
"Hey, you got some in your.." The words disappear when Mariah's hand darts out to delicately touch her hair. Their eyes meet, and its like she can't breathe with being this close to her. She would give anything to reach out and eliminate the distance..
"Ma'am, the movie is over." Her body jolts in her seat when she feels the hand on her shoulder, drawing her from the reverie.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I must have dozed off." Looking around the place, she tries to rein in her embarrassment. She slowly climbs to her feet and nods awkwardly to the cleaner before making her way out. She doesn't know how she managed to fall asleep in there— though, she has been rather exhausted as of late.
Walking down the sidewalk she tries to put things into perspective.
She still has Noah. And Mariah will.. hopefully come around?
As she looks across the street, she notices two women walking side by side, hands swaying between them while they go about their business. For some reason it makes her heart beat that bit quicker upon witnessing it. Its rather cute, she has to admit.
Shaking her head, she breathes in.
"I know right, all that PDA is vom worthy." Twisting her head round, she stares at Mariah strolling alongside her, eyes rolling at the display across the street. Her face scrunches up dramatically before she makes a blurgh sound, which has Tessa stopping dead on her heels.
Mariah soon catches on and stops too, turning back to face Tessa.
"Don't worry, I won't subject you to that." She walks back to Tessa and leans in close, enough to feel her breath on her skin, "In the bedroom is another matter, though." The quick press of her lips on her cheek has her delirious, blinking several times as the form gradually moves away until she can no longer distinguish what's real and what's fiction.
She stands on the sidewalk for some time, briefly aware of the copious bodies moving passed her.
It hurts.
Eventually she manages to compose herself again, ready to keep on moving. She feels like she's going against the grain, brushing up against so many people, and going against what her heart wants more than anything.
She has to, though, there's no other option.
Her attention perks up when she hears some music up ahead. Its some busker strumming a guitar with a few people watching on. He's not too bad.
She comes to a halt a few paces away and watches him perform, even digs into her pocket for some spare change to throw into the guitar case on the ground.
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how
Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my wonderwall
Its a decent rendition, one that Tessa appreciates.
"I remember when you were performing at Park Cafe that time way back when we didn't know each other. It was an original, and I think even then I was drawn to you. You had this aura about you, made me want to be around you." Closing her eyes, she tries to concentrate on the guy singing.
"You just came into my life, and made everything feel whole."
"Mariah.."
"You still do; its magnetic. I don't believe in all that fairy-tale crap but what we have, its something true. Its strong. And its lasting." The goosebumps dance across her skin, compelled to see this through to the end, even if its her own twisted imagination taunting her. She dares not open her eyes, in fear of losing the illusion.
Without even being there, Mariah haunts. This, Mariah doesn't understand. This, Mariah will never know.
"I knew it then, I know it now, and I'll know it in the future."
"I wish things were different, I—"
"Its simple, Tessa, you just gotta jump in." She can almost feel Mariah's hand trail across her back, leaving tingles in its wake. Even though she knows there isn't anybody there, she feels this shadow over her, bathing her in contact.
"Some sage advice from one wild child to another."
The clapping prompts her eyelids to flutter, drawing her back to the sidewalk and to a reality she does not want. She just wants to find Mariah. She just wants to be open and honest, and let her see everything she's been hiding inside.
The smokescreen she's adopted has been draining her for so long, she wants nothing more than to be rid of it.
"Tessa, hey." The hand works its way across her hip and up to her shoulder, and before she knows what's happening, her body is being brought forward against another's. It takes far too long for her to register the anatomy.
She leans into his chest, wishing it wasn't his she was embracing.
"Oh, hey."
And so the process begins again; lather, rinse, repeat.
A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality — John Lennon.
The movie is Down to You.
The song is Wonderwall by Oasis.