Don't give up on me :)

When those you love are hurting, you do everything in your power to help them, to fix them, but when you are the cause of that hurt, no matter what you do or say, you just can't undo the damage you've caused. I guess I thought that this time would be different with you, overcoming all we have together, beating the odds…being happy. Yeah happy, me, Brendan Brady, happy who would of thought it? It's been great between us since we got back together. I never dreamed you'd give me another chance or look at me with such love in your eyes again, but you did, you became my everything once more and Leah and Lucas became my family too.

Amy taking the kids broke me because I knew what it would do to you and that there would be nothing I could do make you feel better. Unlike me you are a good dad and your kids simply belong with you. I told you it was never going to work between us, but you must know that I don't mean that. I would do whatever it takes to make us work, only this time Leah and Lucas were more important, they need you. I need you too…probably more, but they are your world and I'd never make you choose. You told me I'd always lose when it comes to them and I respect that. I wish I could have been half the dad you are with my boys…but it's all too late now.

I try my hardest to help you; the lawyer is my way of showing support, by letting you know that I'm there for you always. You take everything the wrong way though; you won't even hear him out and the little digs you keep giving me are winding me up. I want to wrap you up in my arms and tell you everything is going to be alright, but you won't let me get close to you now. You blame me for it all I know you do, but if it's any conciliation, I blame me too. I know that losing your kids is my fault and if I could bring them back for you I would in an instant.

I can feel my temper rising when you walk away from me and I want to lash out, not at you at something, anything and throwing the glass so close to you wasn't what I had in mind…it just happened. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry and I tell you as much, but you look at me like I'm something you've just stepped in and that love that I saw in your eyes only days ago is now replaced by disgust, regret…it's a cold empty stare and it scares me. I feel like I'm losing control, I feel like I'm losing you.

I feel frantic, desperate to speak to you, to hear your voice, I need you to tell me that we'll be okay, like you did in the deli the other day. I call you what feels like the twentieth time and after leaving shit loads of messages I don't know what else to say to you. What do you want me to do…beg? Because I will you know, just please don't ignore me, not when we need to talk. I throw my phone in temper, I feel really angry now and I don't know what to do to make this right. Sometimes I don't know my own strength and as the toilet door takes a beating it brings down the toilet roll holder to reveal a stash of drugs. Amy was right, my past is already coming back to haunt me and the sad thing is; I'm hated by so many that I wouldn't even know who was trying to set me up. Maybe you are all better off without me.

I hear the sirens and I know that I have to get this shit out of the club, it could finish me, finish us for good and if we are going to part then it won't be because of this. You find me though; trying to get rid of it, you always did have the worst timing. I tell you the truth but you don't believe me, you look ashamed of me and nothing i say makes any difference. You've heard so many lies from my mouth it's my own fault that you doubt me now. I know what you're thinking now, it's written all over your face, but you say it out loud and it feels like I'm being stabbed in the heart. "I can't believe I choose you over me kids." It goes round and round in my head like some fucking song and then you leave me, alone, and I feel so sick inside because I want you to come back…to believe me.

You are gone and I think about coming after you, but you can't even stand to look at me right now and I don't blame you for that. I'm toxic. We should never have come back here Steven, we should have started a fresh in Dublin with the kids…life would have been perfect. There is nothing here for us, people just want to tear us apart and so far they are doing a pretty good job. I have changed you must see that? I want to be the man you deserve…I need to be. Sometimes you drive me crazy, but being without you is a fate worse than death and I know I have nothing if I don't have you.

Suddenly my world seems like such a scary place, standing here on my own with no reason to even live anymore; I never knew I could feel so lost in such familiar surroundings. If I could change all the bad I have done, I would in a heartbeat; just to have you standing by my side again. I've left that life behind me now though and I've left it all for you, but you will never trust me anyway so it was all for nothing, me, the kids; you walked away anyway. You said you'd never give up on me.

Please Steven…don't give up on me.

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