A/N: First of all, this contains the pairing McGonagall/Petunia. I CAN EXPLAIN! I wanted someone who was suitable as Mrs Bennet, and who better than Petunia? And I felt that Minerva McGonagall would do Mr Bennet great justice. Thus, the odd pairing. Don't judge me.
Secondly, for my weird storyline to work, it is required that there are ways for women to conceive children with other women, and men with other men. If mpreg makes you squick, imagine that the children are just magiced into existence, or something. It is not important anyway, as no children will be conceived or given birth to during the story. It is simply so that it's needed to prevent my plot from breaking into a thousand pieces.
It seems I am very prone to writing fictions where the pronouns tend to be a bit confusing, and this fiction is certainly one of them. You will see soon enough what I mean.
And yes, there is a great temporal fuck-up going on here. I refuse to follow any consistent timeline, except for that there will be (I think) no Harry-generation characters. Thus, the age of the characters in respect to each other as is stated in the Harry Potter books will be completely and utterly disregarded. I think that it is more important to have suitable characters acting out the roles, than to stick to the original timeline.
Chapter One
Introduction
It was a fact universally acknowledged – no more than; it was a rule – that having more, or less, than one male heir was contra-productive to the whole of the wizarding society – at least in families with money to them, but what other families were there that mattered? And since there were ways to use magic which were, of course, not mentioned in polite society, but were nonetheless helpful, there was a very simple way of solving this. All unwanted, surplus males were taught to dress, act and see themselves as women, and were married away to men. All single female children were taught to dress, act and see themselves as men, and were married away to women. Thus, the struggle over heritage that so often tore muggle families apart, were not a problem. Sometimes, this meant that there were unions where both parts were, technically, of the same sex, but aforementioned methods of using magic took care of the succession.
Thus it was that, when a healthy son had been born to the Bennets, all other sons born were destined to take on the role as daughters. There was, however, only one son born after James; the remaining three children were daughters. This of course supplied little comfort to Renate, or as he persisted to call himself, Remus, who had never felt very comfortable pretending to be something he was not. However, he was lucky enough to have features delicate enough to pass as a pretty woman, and even though he wasn't a willing pretender, he was a skilled one.
Our story begins with the arrival of two gentlemen to the direct neighborhood of the Bennets; one Mr Sirius Darcy and one Mr Liam Bingley. It was very fortunate for a family with four daughters to have two so wealthy gentlemen move into the neighborhood. Especially since they lived on the mercy – and property – of Mr Bennet's uncle, and would be left without a house or a penny at said uncle's death. And so Mrs Petunia Bennet vowed to herself to have at least one of her daughters married to either of these prosperous gentlemen. She didn't ask her daughters beforehand what they thought of this arrangement, but why should she?
It is, after all, a fact universally acknowledged that young girls want nothing more in life than a well-to-do husband.
"But you must have us introduced to him, Mr Bennet! Whatever are we to do otherwise?"
Mr Martin Bennet, born Minerva Bennet, gave her wife a despairing look over the rims of her spectacles. "Why don't you go yourself, dear, and bring the daughters with you? Or for that matter, let them go without you, for you are every bit as lovely as them, and it would undoubtedly make me look a fool if either of these young gentlemen ran off with my wife."
"You do nothing but tease me!" Petunia complained. "What do you know of what I suffer?"
"A great deal, as you have never been the one to suffer in silence, my dear."
"Why do you take such great delight in vexing me? You know I've never been one to complain! Oh, how can you be so cruel?!"
Yet Mr Bennet would not be swayed, but remained unapproachable on the matter of the newly arrived gentlemen. Of course she did visit the two of them as soon as they were moved in, but that was of little consequence to the argument at hand. It was true that she did enjoy needling and aggravate her wife, hoping that the other woman would eventually learn something from it. So far she had, regrettably, been unsuccessful.
Nonetheless, it pleased Mrs Bennet to no end to hear that she, and more importantly, her daughters, would indeed be introduced to Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy at the coming ball, which they were all to attend.
Remus stepped out of the carriage, avoiding with trained ease to trip over his skirts, but nonetheless looking down at them in irritation. They couldn't have been designed by woman; no one could wish such inconvenience upon themselves. James, who had been helping him out by lending an arm, was grinning widely at him, and Remus knew that his brother understood exactly what he was thinking, and was amused by it.
Bellatrix and Narcissa were chattering excitedly behind him, not so much from the prospect of wooing one of the rich gentlemen as from the general lightheadedness that always seemed to befall them at every public event that involved dancing and flirting. Andromeda was looking as distracted and distant as ever. She had gotten quite a reputation about her for being dull, rude and unagreeable, yet she didn't seem very much to care. Social events, indeed society as a whole, seemed to bore her; it appeared she had no interest in getting friends among her contemporaries, or even in marriage, and as such she was regarded as a very strange, pitiable creature indeed.
It was uncomfortable to enter the heat and bustle of the ballroom, yet Remus smiled widely as he took off his hat and gloves, for it was a discomfort that came with the advantage of seeing many dear faces, and as such was inconsequential. His eyes scanned the room for one particular face, and he was hardly surprised to find the owner of that face in the shadow of a great pillar, seated out of the way of the dancers. Patience Lucas, whom Remus referred to as Peter whenever they were alone, was less fortunate than Remus, and had very little about him that could pass for female. Thus he was very awkward at all social gatherings, and knowing very well that no one would ask him to stand up with them, refused pointedly to sit with the rest of the slighted girls, waiting for a cavalier that would not come.
They embraced, sharing ladylike kisses and not quite so ladylike, but very surreptitious pinches and attempts at tickling. "So, have you seen the two gentlemen yet? If they are not both seven feet tall and clad from head to toe in gold, I shall be very disappointed."
Peter laughed loudly, earning a very stern look from his mother. He blushed, checking himself. "I'm afraid that you then are destined to be disappointed. They are neither so imposing nor so extraordinarily attired. But they are both very handsome, and undoubtedly they are rich. I heard that Mr Bingley has a fortune of five thousand a year, and Mr Darcy has one of ten thousand."
Remus smiled wryly. "Those poor men. The women must be all over them like hounds on a fox."
Peter matched smile for smile, nodding at a woman on the other side of the room. "Only if they manage to get past the gatekeeper. She's Mr Bingley's sister, and she is not at all impressed by the company."
Remus studied her. She was buxom and blonde, watching the room critically through a pince-nez that seemed too small for her rather coarse features. She was attired in the finest of clothes, and moved like someone who's well aware that she was of better standing than anyone else in the room. "Oh dear. She seems greatly offended by the mere look of us. No doubt it disturbs her refined lungs to breath in the same air as such common folk as us."
Peter laughed, but quieter this time, casting anxious looks at his mother. "I bet there is not one gentleman she would stand up with, either, save for the ones she came with."
Remus feigned shock. "Patience! We mustn't be as presumptions as to even consider that such a fine lady should dirty her silken gloves with our brothers and friends."
Seeing Peter's eyes glitter with amusement, Remus thought: He doesn't look that bad at all, not as a boy. But as people expect to see ladylike features, it is not strange at all that they are disappointed, or that they find him plain. And he thought once again that life would be a lot less complicated if everyone was allowed to be what they felt like being, rather than what was imposed upon them for the sake of family, heritage and tradition.
A short while later, Remus, James and the three younger sisters were finally waved over by Mr Bennet to be introduced to the two much talked about young fellows.
Mr Bingley was short and slim, and Remus saw at once that he was really more of a she. She had red hair tied in a ponytail and green eyes that seemed to dance over the room in perpetual amusement. Remus saw her eyeing James openly, and had to stuff a handkerchief in his mouth in a fake cough to hide his laughter. James noticed too, and blushed under her close scrutiny.
Mr Darcy was tall and immensely handsome, but his bearing was stiff and proud, his face impassive. He looked every bit as rich as the reputation said, and seemed every bit as proud and disparaging as his fortune allowed. He was sparse with words, and soon departed to stand next to Miss Bingley, undoubtedly since she at least could match him in sophistication, and in the art of superior sneers, or so it seemed to Remus.
Liam Bingley, however, knew no such limitations. She talked to everyone, even the children, and laughed heartedly at everything and nothing. And, Remus noticed, she never went far away from James and even though decorum forbade her, in the role of a man, to stand up with another man, she engaged in conversation with him after every dance. James was unsettled, of course, but nonetheless seemed to enjoy the attention.
Remus, seeing no reason to stay in the company of his family – Bellatrix and Narcissa were laughing so loudly that people turned to stare – returned to sit by Peter's side. Somewhat to his bewilderment, Andromeda followed him, sitting quietly by their side and watching the dance proceed with glassy indifference.
Perhaps it was because they were partly hidden in the shadow of a pillar, or simply because they were both so unremarkable, but they were sooner that evening able to overhear a conversation between Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy.
Mr Bingley nudged her friend in the ribs, laughing deep in her throat; possibly she had learned to laugh like that to make it sound manlier. She had a rather deep voice with an almost boyish vibrato to it. "You are very dull, Sirius! Standing here all by yourself and refusing to stand up with any of the ladies!"
"I fail to see why I am obliged to stand up with any of these… was it ladies you called them?"
"Come now, you are being unfair. They are everything that's agreeable and proper, as ladies should be, and some of them are real beauties!"
"I am sorry, but I cannot see one woman worthy of even passing attention in here."
She laughed again, but she was beginning to look annoyed with her friend. "The youngest Miss Bennet is truly stunning, not even you can deny that."
"Yes. But she is also such a determined flirt and such a headless specimen of womanhood that no man with any sense of discretion would ever consider her."
Mr Bennet fell quiet, apparently unable to deny such an obvious fact, and Remus' cheeks burned with the shame of it. "Very well then, how about the eldest girl?" Remus jumped visibly, and blushed even
deeper as he heard himself mentioned. "She is certainly very lovely to the eye, and I hear that she has a mind to match it."
Sirius Darcy made a disparaging noise at the back of his throat. "She might be… tolerable, but not more than that, and certainly offers no great temptation. And I saw her not long ago in the company of some of the most distinct wallflowers in the entire room. I hope you don't suggest that I am here to give comfort to ladies who have already been spurned by other men?"
Mr Bingley rolled her eyes, apparently giving up, and strolled away, and Mr Darcy resumed his blasé observation of the ballroom. Andromeda seemed unmoved by what had been said, but when didn't she? Peter looked a little flustered, but more resigned than truly hurt. He had learnt long ago what to expect.
Remus forced a laugh, even though his cheeks burned, both from the insult to his own charms as well as that to his friend and his sister. "Well, I think we can safely agree that there stands a man that no one in the room will have the great misfortune to marry," he said. "And I am quite convinced that he is not half as handsome as we first believed him to be, even with his ten thousand a year."
"I never thought him handsome to begin with," said Andromeda rather coldly, and she stood up and left without another word.
Peter smiled and shook his head. "It is a shame he should be so disagreeable though. It would be a great fortune to be married to someone so prominent."
"A prominent ass is what he is, and nothing more. Come now, Patience, I am fed up with this. I shall find my mother and ask her if we can leave as quickly as is possible without seeming impolite. Will you come with me?"
Peter nodded and stood up, skirts rustling around him as he followed. They both smiled as they passed Mr Darcy, and it felt good to share a joke at his behalf, for it made the way he had slighted them both seem less important. And Remus was sure that he soon would forget all about him.
A/N: As you've undoubtedly noticed by now, I've chosen to refer to - at least the main characters - with their given name from Harry Potter and their Pride and Prejudice surname. I've also decided to refer to the characters acting their oposite sex with the pronouns referring to their actual sex. And no, I don't think there's anything wrong with being transexual - I'm a lesbian, for crying out loud! - but I do believe it is wrong to impose any kind of role, mask or false pretese on another person.