A/N: So, this is mostly Erin's fault, as most things are. (Love youuuu)
She sent me a tweet (which I would link if this site weren't terrible about that) basically wanting Madi to "Parent Trap" Bellarke at the little flowered pavilion set we've seen pictures of.
Because I'm me and I need to be difficult, I combined that with a fic I've been wanting to do based on the "P.S. I never told you, but I was falling in love" note that's been floating around the internet. (Google Image search that phrase to find the pic if you'd like.)
Because I'm me, it ended up being 15k words. I mean really. What else did you expect from me?
I don't know, guys. It made my beta yell at me. (Love you, too) It must be alright. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
6 years ago
Bellamy
Bellamy couldn't tell you why he'd done it.
It made no sense whatsoever.
He knew Praimfaya was just minutes away, the orange wall of fury headed straight for Becca's lab.
He knew that, even if Clarke's nightblood had somehow started working, her chances of surviving the wall of fury and destruction were slim to none.
But still…he stood there, his space suit already on as Raven yelled at him to hurry up from inside the rocket…and he grabbed the nearest pen and piece of paper…and he wrote something on it…
Something that broke him.
He stared at it for a minute, wondering why he was doing this…wondering what difference it would make…
And he knew the answer was none, but he needed to do it anyway.
Clarke was probably already gone, burned to a crisp by the wall of radiation, and this felt like his last chance to give her something tangible…his last chance to tell her how much she meant to him.
His last chance to make it all mean something.
He stared down at his clumsy handwriting, made even bolder by the Sharpie he'd used.
'P.S. I never told you, but I was falling in love.'
He supposed it would've been made more poetic had his space suit helmet been off, because then the tears falling from his eyes would've dotted the paper…hell, they probably would've made it illegible.
But he just blinked them away as quickly as he could, finally heeding Raven's screams to "Get in the goddamn rocket, Blake!"
He taped the paper to the wall, then took a deep breath, walking toward the rocket and climbing inside.
He heard everything dimly around him, others talking, Raven making the final preparations to blast off…and he kept glancing back and forth between the door and that damn piece of paper.
The piece of paper that somehow seemed like a tangible piece of him…a physical manifestation of all those feelings he had for her.
The only thing he'd been able to think was…it's fitting, really…because I'm leaving my heart here with her anyway.
And then they'd blasted off into space, and thus began his life without the woman he loved.
Forever…or so he'd mistakenly thought.
Present Day
Bellamy
Bellamy held onto the straps of his harness, eyes tightly closed as he waited for impact.
It was even more jarring than he'd anticipated, although he guessed that was always the case.
He waited while Raven and Monty did some air quality tests and checked other numbers from the computers aboard the rocket and Emori and Murphy talked in low tones from their seats beside him.
He heard it all distantly, as if he were in a tunnel of some sort and everyone else was on the outside, their voices mostly obscured by metal and distance.
Because, you see, he couldn't stop thinking about her.
He'd mourned…God, he'd mourned, but it had been done mostly in the privacy of his room, late at night when there was no one else around to see.
Because, as she'd made sure to tell him on that terrible day six years ago…he'd need to be a good leader for his friends…his people.
He shook his head a little ruefully, even all these years later, because the Princess had always known exactly what he needed to hear…she'd always known exactly what he needed…
…except for her.
All he'd ever really needed was her, and that was the one thing she'd never figured out about him.
And now…even though he'd been able to push his grief to the back of his mind for most of the past six years, trying not to let it affect him too badly when he was around the others…
This was his first time being back on Earth.
Earth.
He'd never been on Earth without her.
So, while he vaguely registered Raven giving the all clear and Monty asking him if he wanted to do the honors of opening the door and granting everyone their first view of the planet they'd left six years ago…all he could do was shake his head no, because it just wouldn't feel right…
…him opening the door without a blonde princess screaming at him that the air might be toxic.
So, Monty slowly opened the door…and Bellamy counterintuitively shut his eyes…because he wasn't quite sure he was prepared to see an Earth that didn't have Clarke Griffin on it.
Weirdly, the last thought that flitted through his mind before he felt the warmth of the sun on his face and smelled the distinctive smell of grass, was of a note he'd hastily scrawled six years ago…and how he wished like hell she'd been alive to read it.
Clarke
She and Madi had seen the rocket fall from the sky, and they'd taken off immediately, hoping to get there before anyone from the Eliguis ship did.
Luckily, their camp was much closer than where the ship had landed, so their chances were good.
Clarke jogged through the woods, her adoptive daughter/sister at her side, her heart practically pounding out of her chest, because she was just seconds away from seeing her friends again.
Just seconds away from seeing him.
They reached the clearing where the rocket had landed, and all of Clarke's half-formed plans about hanging back for a minute to check for danger and then approaching slowly so as not to scare her friends all went out the window because, all of a sudden, there they were.
Her gaze flitted over them, even as she kept jogging toward them, knowing them even from a distance: Raven's long, dark ponytail, Murphy's wiry build, and then…there was Bellamy.
She knew…in the back of her mind, that he looked slightly different.
Her brain catalogued the longer hair and the beard and the way his shoulders seemed to fill out his guard jacket even more impressively than they had before…
But the only thing she really saw…the only thing she could think or see or recognize was…Bellamy.
So, whenever she came crashing through the underbrush and seven people turned toward her in alarm, she didn't pause.
When she noticed Madi stop a few hundred feet away from them…she didn't turn back to ask why.
When she heard Raven give a whoop of delight and utter something along the lines of "I should've known you could survive anything,"…she didn't answer the other girl.
And even when she saw his face…shocked and surprised and disbelieving…she didn't stop.
She went barreling through the crowd of her friends, launching herself into his arms in a way that felt so familiar, even though the time she was remembering had happened almost seven years ago.
She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, holding on so tightly it was probably a little painful.
He reacted in the exact same way he had all those years ago too…his body remaining stock still as his surprise rendered him motionless…and then letting out a giant breath that let him relax against her, his arms coming around her waist and gripping so tightly, he lifted her onto her toes.
She pressed her smile into his neck, just as she had the last time…because if that hug had been wonderful…this one was off-the-charts amazing.
She had no idea how long they stood like that, gripping onto each other for all they were worth, but she closed her eyes and let herself feel.
She could feel his shaky breaths against her neck…the way his arms wrapped all the way around her, his hands clenching tightly at her sides …his heart, beating so wonderfully against her chest.
It had been six years since she'd felt his heartbeat, and it was soothing and reassuring in a way she couldn't even describe.
Eventually, reality started to seep back in, and she realized that there was a bit of an awkward silence coming from their friends…and then she remembered Madi, probably scared half to death just across the clearing, and she slowly disentangled herself, leaning back, but only slightly.
She couldn't help the bright smile on her face or the tears in her eyes when she pulled back to look at him, but she figured that was okay, because he had a matching smile of incredulity and even more tears than she did.
They stared at each other a little stupidly, searching each other's faces for reassurance that the other was really there.
Finally, Raven grabbed her arm, pulling her away from a reluctant Bellamy and wrapping her in a tight hug of her own.
Everything blurred a little for Clarke, a rush of tears and tight grips and whispers of 'I'm so glad you made it' from everyone, even Emori and Echo, and somewhere in the middle of all of that, Clarke had managed to motion Madi over, nodding at her reassuringly.
When Clarke finally stepped away from Emori, having completed her semi-circle of hugs, she turned around and walked the few feet to where Madi was standing, looking at everyone a little uncertainly.
Placing a comforting arm across the young girl's shoulders, Clarke walked forward a bit. "Guys…this is Madi," she said, unable to keep the pride out of her voice in her introduction.
She saw her friends all exchange hesitant looks, clearly dumbfounded by Madi's presence.
"She and I…found each other. Five years ago," Clarke explained. "She's my…" she paused, deliberating for a moment.
She'd never had to explain their relationship to anyone before. Her first instinct was to call Madi her daughter, but there was only a decade or so between them, plus, although Clarke was definitely in charge, they often seemed more like companions than parent and child, especially since Madi had entered her pre-teen years.
Sister, then?
Clarke smiled down at the girl she loved with her entire heart. "We're family," she ended simply.
When she looked up, her eyes automatically found Bellamy's, and it made her heart stutter in her chest, both because looking up and finding him already looking at her was so familiar and comforting and she'd missed it so goddamn much, and because he was looking at her with so much emotion on his face.
It had been years, of course, since she'd tried to read his face, but she found herself falling back into it with what felt like startling accuracy, because he was still Bellamy and it seemed like, even though they'd spent so much time apart, her heart could still read his like an open book.
Right now, he was feeling an overwhelming sense of relief…probably that Clarke hadn't been alone for six years.
And because she knew him so well…because she knew how he carried guilt on his shoulders like Atlas carried the weight of the world…she knew that all that emotion on his face was also him releasing a tiny little bit of that guilt he'd been carrying around like a part of him for six years…guilt about leaving her behind.
Because not only had she survived…she'd found a little girl to love too.
And if anyone knew how amazing it was to practically raise a child that wasn't really yours, but often felt like it…it was Bellamy.
And then, because at least part of him was still the Bellamy she remembered, she saw him take one look at Madi and fall in love with her, just like she had.
He was the first to step up, squatting down in front of the little girl, even though it made her much taller than him. "Hi, Madi," he said, voice soft. "I'm Bellamy."
Madi looked up at Clarke for a second before returning her gaze to the man in front of her. "I know," she said simply.
Bellamy looked a little surprised at that, glancing up at Clarke with awe and something that looked a little like happiness before he returned his gaze to Madi. "Thanks for taking care of Clarke," he said, voice very serious.
Madi just nodded, looking at him a bit shyly.
Bellamy rose to his full height, stepping to Clarke's side and watching with her as everyone else said hello to the little girl.
It was strange, because they'd only been back in each other's presence for a few minutes, and Clarke was still at the point where she wanted to fling herself into his arms and stay there for hours, but they already seemed to be back to their old patterns…finding their way to each other's sides as if by instinct…presenting a united front, even when they didn't need to.
It was almost like muscle memory, even after six years apart.
They belonged beside each other.
Clarke soon thereafter cut the reunions and greetings short, giving everyone a quick rundown on how the Eligius ship had landed barely a week before and, while they didn't seem to be an immediate threat, she wasn't sure how the arrival of seven new people would impact Clarke's tentative relationship with them.
She wanted to get everyone back to the safety of the small bunker she and Madi had been using as a home base, so they wouldn't be surprised by a possible ambush from the prisoner ship.
It was only a few miles back to the bunker, but what was actually an hour long trek seemed to Clarke to take only a few minutes.
Being back with the people you loved…back with the people who made you feel safe…it tended to make everything else a little blurry.
Clarke led the way, Bellamy at her side, his hand brushing the back of hers every few feet, their footsteps in a quiet synchronization that said no time at all had passed.
She kept turning around every once in a while, just to make sure Madi was okay, but she needn't have worried, because the young girl was glued to Raven's side, chatting a mile a minute and asking more questions than should be able to fit in that tiny little body.
Clarke faced forward again, grinning a little, and couldn't help but catch Bellamy's eye.
His face was soft, studying hers, his eyes still full of so much emotion, and she watched as the corner of his mouth ticked upwards, unable to stop that half smirk she remembered so well on him.
God, she'd missed that smirk.
Eventually, they reached the bunker.
It wasn't much; just a concrete structure, the back half buried in a hill.
It wasn't radiation safe, so it wouldn't have been able to save anyone from Praimfaya, but the concrete did survive the death wave, and the location was easily defensible, which is why Clarke and Madi had been using it as their home base for the last few years.
It wasn't huge…certainly nothing on the scale of the bunker all the others were trapped in. This had probably just been built by a family trying to prepare for the worst.
Clarke led everyone inside, and she and Madi gave the newcomers the grand tour, which wasn't all that grand, considering the bunker only consisted of a sort of great room, a galley kitchen, a large storage pantry (where everything had, unfortunately, spoiled long ago,) three bedrooms, and a bathroom with no running water, although it had obviously existed at one time.
And when Clarke snuck away, popping in her room for mere seconds while Madi was showing everyone the shower that didn't work, no one seemed to notice except Bellamy, but he only raised an eyebrow, which Clarke promptly ignored.
"How did you find this place?" Bellamy asked her quietly when she rejoined him and the two of them managed to hang back, letting Madi chatter excitedly as she showed everyone else her room.
Clarke shrugged, her eyes on the little girl down the hallway, a hint of a blush coloring her cheeks, although she steadfastly ignored it. "We've been all over most of this place," she said, referring to the relatively small patch of land that had managed to flourish after Praimfaya. "Madi and I were out setting snares one day and noticed the entrance." She looked up, noticing his eyes studying her.
"So you've…this is where you've been?" he asked, and she could hear the unspoken part of his question…the part that contained his guilt over leaving her and thinking she'd died, when she'd been alive the entire time.
She tried to give him a soft smile of reassurance. "It's been our home base for the last four years or so," she admitted. "I spent the first year in Becca's lab…healing and waiting out the worst of the death wave."
Bellamy grimaced, his eyes shutting on what looked like actual pain.
It made something in Clarke's chest pull, and she'd almost forgotten that…how his pain made her heart hurt. She soldiered on, explaining how she'd eventually left the lab in search of food.
At some point, Madi had finished with her tour, and everyone else gathered around to listen to Clarke's story of survival: how she'd found Madi a year after the death wave and the two of them had driven the Rover north in search of food and water, and eventually stumbled onto their patch of grass, as they liked to call it.
Clarke went on to explain that they didn't stay in the bunker every night, often camping out in the rover as they traveled around hunting and checking their traps, but that it was nice to have as a place to call home.
She also explained that they made the trip south every month or two, weather permitting, to check on the status of the bunker in Polis.
Unfortunately, the last time they'd gone, around two weeks ago, it had still been covered by mounds and mounds of rubble, and there still hadn't been any response to Clarke's radio attempts.
Bellamy looked disheartened at that, but Clarke, Raven, and Monty were all quick to remind him that the bunker should be self-sustaining for an indefinite period of time, so everyone inside should be fine, even if they were trapped for the moment.
"And now, between you guys being back and the Eliguis ship being here, we should be able to get the bunker open," Clarke reassured him, turning to offer him a look of encouragement, and only then realizing how close they'd gotten.
She'd been talking for so long, recounting the highlights of the last six years, and everyone had migrated into the living room, sitting down on various pieces of furniture.
Without even being conscious of it, she and Bellamy had claimed seats on the couch right beside each other, their bodies touching from shoulder to knee, even though there was no need for it.
"Tell me about the people on the ship," Bellamy said, voice cautious but also prepared, and Clarke was immediately overtaken by a sense of relief, because not only was she no longer alone…not forced to make decisions on her own anymore…but it was Bellamy back here with her, immediately ready to take some of the burden of leadership from her.
There was no one she'd rather have stand beside her. Because if he was Atlas, so was she, and it worked so much better when they shouldered the world together.
She told them that she didn't know much, that she'd met with the woman in charge and a few of the people just below her, and that they seem friendly enough, if a little cautious.
The biggest issue now was wondering if the addition of seven more people would make them nervous.
That was not only seven more people that needed to live off a somewhat limited ecosystem, but also seven more bodies to fight, should it come to that.
At some point, they ended up eating venison stew, complete with wild greens and mushrooms, and the space crew couldn't stop talking about how amazing it was to eat something other than algae for the first time in years.
Sometime after that, space crew took turns telling Clarke and Madi about life in space, which apparently consisted mostly of lots of algae, an infinite number of card games, and Murphy pranking everyone incessantly until they threatened to float him.
Clarke knew that life couldn't have been that simple for them…it never is.
She could see the shadows that haunted some of their eyes, and there was a weight…a hesitancy there that most of them didn't carry so obviously before they'd left.
But, hell, she didn't break out her stories of the month she spent bedridden, covered in boils and practically shivering to death from radiation sickness…or the time she and Madi had almost run out of water on their road trip to find a habitable piece of Earth, and she'd given Madi the last of the water, even though she'd already been feeling symptoms of severe dehydration herself. If she didn't want to lead with those memories, she could see why they didn't want to lead with their worst ones either.
They'd have time for everything else later, she figured, leaning back against the couch, getting more comfortable as she let the warmth and comfort of being surrounded by her friends again envelope her.
Yes, they were a little different…no one stayed exactly the same for six years.
But they were still her people, and she felt infinitely better having them back…especially the man that had once again found his way to the seat beside her.
Clarke glanced over at Madi, checking to make sure she was okay, and she smiled to see her already nodding off, her face lolling onto Raven's arm.
Clarke let out a sigh, her eyes half closing with the relief that came from knowing that, for once, everything in the world wasn't relying on her.
For the first time in six years, she let her guard down.
The last thing she remembered was Murphy saying something about a bucket of unrecycled urine and a trip wire, and then darkness consumed her.
Clarke
She woke up the next morning with her head on Bellamy's shoulder, their necks both cricked uncomfortably so they could rest their heads on top of each other.
She moved, just slightly, wincing at the stabbing pain that occurred when she tried to straighten her neck to its normal position.
Hearing a low groan from beside her, she turned carefully, making sure to turn at the waist, not the neck, and found Bellamy blinking himself awake just inches away from her, a grimace on his face as well.
They both chuckled softly, gently rolling their necks as much as they could.
"Why didn't you go to bed?" she asked softly.
"You kinda fell asleep on me, Princess," he said, voice still gravelly and entirely too low.
Clarke closed her eyes at the nickname, a small smile playing over her lips.
"What?" he asked.
She opened her eyes slowly to stare into his. "Do you know how long it's been since you've called me that?" she asked, her voice revealing more emotion than was probably wise.
His eyes bored into hers, seemingly matching her emotion for emotion. "Too long," he rasped.
She held his stare…and the silence…for as long as she could…until it felt like she either needed to say something…or do something…
Something like lean in and kiss him.
"You could've just…shoved me off and gone to bed," she said, trying for a joke but honestly unable to get that low, breathy quality out of her voice…the one that'd been there the entire time they'd been staring at each other from just a few inches apart, woven into some sort of web neither of them knew how to extricate themselves from.
He just watched her for a moment, and she could've sworn she felt him shift, just slightly, moving almost imperceptibly closer to her. "I would've stayed anyway," he admitted, voice full of something…something that made it sound like he was admitting something else entirely.
She moved a few centimeters closer, and she couldn't help it when her eyes fell to his lips.
The heady thought that 'this was it…it was finally happening…oh my god…it was finally happening' floated through her brain…just as Madi came out of her room at full blast, Raven close on her heels.
"Clarke! Are we going to go check the traps today? You said we could stop to swim at the pond if we have time! I want to show Raven the waterfall!"
Clarke and Bellamy separated with a jolt, Clarke immediately standing up and rubbing her suddenly sweaty palms on her thighs. "We'll uh...we'll have to see, Madi. I think we may have to…rearrange things, with everyone being here," she said, voice only slightly breathless.
Madi grumbled good-naturedly, heading for the kitchen to grab something to eat.
Clarke studiously ignored Raven, who gave Clarke and Bellamy both a bit of a raised eyebrow before heading into the kitchen behind Madi.
Clarke waited until they were out of sight before she chanced a glance down at Bellamy.
He was leaning back into the corner of the couch, his hands on his knees and his posture rigid.
She waited for him to meet her gaze…ready to share another breathless chuckle…a scoff and an eye-roll at being interrupted…something…anything to ease the tension she could feel in the air between them.
It never came.
Bellamy
The next week passed with an odd sort of tension…at least between him and Clarke.
Oh, they fell back into their old patterns of co-leadership and inseparableness easily enough…
They worked out a schedule so everyone could have a turn camping out and checking the traps and hunting, while everyone else stayed behind at their mini bunker.
They managed to draw maps and discuss strategies for the Eligius newcomers.
She even managed to convince him not to head for the bunker, and Octavia, immediately, promising that they'd go within the next few weeks, once they got something more permanent worked out with the Eligius ship.
He was there to grab her elbow when she tripped over a tree root.
She was there to stitch up his hand gently but efficiently when he accidentally sliced it open while trying to fillet a fish Madi caught, more than a little out of practice at preparing anything other than seaweed for dinner.
And every night, they both managed to 'fall asleep' in the living room, sometimes on the same couch, sometimes on different couches, but both seemingly unwilling to separate, even just to sleep.
Everyone commented on it, asking why one or both of them didn't just use Clarke's room, since it was currently empty, with Raven and Echo having slumber parties in Madi's room every night and Murphy, Emori, Monty, and Harper seemingly not fazed by sharing the largest bedroom in the back. ('We've been crammed into a sardine can in the sky for six years. If we want some privacy, we'll manage to find it somewhere.')
Bellamy would've liked nothing more than to share Clarke's room…and her bed with her.
He honestly didn't care at that point if it was just to hold her or to do something more intimate, but he just had an insatiable need to be with her…to feel her against him, her warmth and her heartbeat slowly filling that hole she'd left in his heart six years ago.
But…well…how did one say, 'let's go sleep together,' without it opening an entirely new can of worms?
And the funny thing was…he opened his mouth to start the conversation so many times.
Sometimes he had a whole speech planned…something about how they could share a bed platonically and it would be…fine.
Sometimes he was going to wing it…make some comment about his old man back hurting him from sleeping on the couch and see where she went with it.
Other times, he was around three seconds from telling her he was in love with her and…well…seeing where she went with that.
But every time he opened his mouth…he remembered that note he'd left all those years ago.
He could still picture it…he could still remember every single emotion he'd felt when he'd written it…as if he'd done it six minutes ago instead of six years ago.
And every time he remembered…he shut his mouth and kept awkwardly tiptoeing around his best friend…who also happened to be the love of his life.
Because…she had to have seen it…right?
She said she'd stayed in Becca's lab for almost a year, and that's where he'd taped it to the wall.
He entertained other notions…like maybe it had fallen down…but if she'd been trapped in the same place for that long with nothing to do, it was highly unlikely she'd never found it.
So…that only left options that weren't good for him.
As in, she'd found it but didn't like it.
Obviously she didn't like it, or she would've said something about it.
Technically, he'd made the first move, even if it hadn't been in person.
So, her silence…even if it was six years later…
Really, it was her way of rejecting him.
At least, that's what he told himself as he curled uncomfortably on the couch, taking one last look at the girl already asleep on the couch across the coffee table from him before he fell asleep.
Because even if she was rejecting him…even if he really should be mortified that she knew how he felt and apparently didn't return a single one of his feelings…he still couldn't hardly bear to leave her side.
Clarke
Clarke woke up at the sound of someone moving around in the kitchen, wincing as she stretched her cramped legs and felt a subsequent pop somewhere in her back.
Sleeping on an old, uncomfortable couch for days wasn't exactly doing her body any favors, and that was saying something, considering the places she'd been forced to sleep in the past.
But the truth was, she'd gotten used to sleeping on a somewhat decent mattress most of the time for the past few years, and her body was feeling the effects of her new inferior sleeping arrangement.
But…as she turned, glancing over at the man still asleep on the other couch…she realized that she'd take a bad back over leaving him, even just for a few hours every night.
She'd been away from him for six years.
Separating now for even six unnecessary hours felt stupid.
She kept wanting to ask him if he'd share her room with her…after all, there was a perfectly good bed going to waste…but she never quite figured out how to broach that subject.
Because how did you ask your totally platonic best friend to share a bed with you when you also happened to be in love with them?
She tried to start the conversation a million times…but every time she got close…she remembered the note.
How could she forget the note?
Honestly, it had been what kept her going a decent portion of the time, especially that first year that she was all alone, injured and trapped in Becca's lab, feeling like the only person left in the world and like she couldn't possibly handle that kind of isolation for another five years.
She'd look at his note and remember that there was an amazing man who would not only do anything she asked of him…but he also apparently loved her as much as she did him.
And then it was easier to handle the pain…the fear…the isolation…
Because she could remind herself that being with him again would be worth it.
The note had been taped to the wall above her cot in Becca's bunker, and it had been what she'd fallen asleep looking at almost every night.
Then, once she'd found Madi, of course the isolation was easier to bear, but she'd kept the note with her, still taking comfort from it…using it to bolster her spirits when things looked a little too hopeless…and also sometimes using it to help her remember him, because no matter how much a part of her soul he'd become, six years was a long time and things started to fade, much to her regret.
But she'd take one look at his note…his bulky, blocky handwriting…and she could close her eyes and picture the day she'd been writing out a very terrible list…the day she'd chosen him and he'd responded by saying he didn't want to be saved if she wasn't…
She could picture him, sleep rumpled and so attractive, she couldn't hardly take it…could hear his voice, warm and so so strong with conviction as he said those words she'd never forget…'If I'm on that list, you're on that list. Write it down…write it down, or I will'…she could still feel the way her heart hurt when he wrote her name down, saving her, taking the guilt from her, as he always did…and she could still feel the warmth of his hand as he grasped her shoulder tightly…knowing that she needed him, but also knowing she couldn't handle anything more without falling into hysterics.
She could see him…feel him…practically smell him when she looked at his note…and it hurt in a way she couldn't even describe, but it also made her feel alive in a way she hadn't felt in years, connected to the man she loved, the man who had become a piece of her heart and her soul…even though they were separated by entirely too much time and actual space.
Once they'd moved into the bunker, the note had again been taped to the wall above her bed…and it had remained there for almost five years…until they day the rocket had landed and Clarke had snuck into her room to shove it into a drawer before everyone else could see it.
Because that note was precious to her…but she never could quite figure out how to bring it up to the man who'd wrote it.
First, there had been hugs and tears all around, then there had been so many stories to share, and everyone had sort of been piled on top of each other.
They'd had a bit of time alone eventually…but Clarke couldn't help but wait, sort of hoping he'd bring it up first…because 'so, I got the note you left me six years ago and I love you too' never seemed like an acceptable thing to say.
Plus, there was the litany of nagging doubts she had…
Everyone, including Bellamy, had told her they'd all been sure she'd died…positive there was no way she could survive the death wave.
So…had he left the note never intending for her to see it?
Had he meant what he'd written all those years ago, but leaving the note behind…ostensibly to burn in praimfaya…was that his way of leaving his feelings for her behind as well?
Had six years been more than enough time for him to get over any romantic feelings he'd had for her?
He hadn't mentioned the note, even though he'd been practically glued to her side for the past week…so she couldn't help but think that, although he obviously still cared about her well-being and had missed her as a friend…he regretted leaving that note or hadn't meant it to begin with.
That note…the same note that had gotten her through some of her worst days…the note that had reminded her they were both still breathing, so she should have hope…
Maybe it didn't mean anything to him at all.
Madi
"Can you hand me the crescent wrench?" Raven asked, her voice partially muffled.
Madi reached for a tool without looking, handing her new mentor something metal that felt the right size.
Raven soon popped up from behind the motor she was working on, a frown on her face as she snapped her fingers in front of Madi's face. "This is a socket wrench," the older girl remarked, unimpressed as she held up the metal tool. "You learned the names of these faster than I could teach them, practically. What's up?"
Madi glanced back over at what had been occupying her attention when she was supposed to be helping Raven fix the bunker's indoor plumbing system.
Clarke was in the middle of the clearing, where they'd fashioned a picnic table of sorts. She was sitting at one end of the table, one of their rifles in multiple pieces in front of her as she methodically cleaned each part.
And at the other end of the table, sitting on the opposite side, was Bellamy, who was meticulously mending multiple articles of clothing and even a blanket or two.
It wasn't either of those activities that interested Madi though. Not really.
It was the way Clarke would pause what she was doing…her hand stilling on the barrel that was only half oiled…her head turning only the barest of degrees as she watched the man sitting across from her.
She'd watch him for a few seconds, not even really watching what he was doing, but just looking at him…until she seemed to snap out of it and turn her attention back to the weapon in front of her.
Madi only had to wait a few seconds after that for Bellamy to pause halfway through a stitch, his hands stilling as he glanced up from underneath his shaggy hair, his eyes landing on the woman across from him.
They went on and on like this, back and forth so often Madi wasn't sure how either of them were getting anything done.
And this wasn't the first time she'd seen it; it had been happening on a regular basis since Bellamy and the others had arrived over a week ago.
She realized she was young, and completely inexperienced with other people in general, let alone romance, but she knew that the way they were looking at each other while they thought no one else was watching was full of a sadness so obvious and so profound, it made her sad too.
"Oh," Raven commented knowingly, albeit completely unhelpfully.
Madi tore her attention away from the couple just out of hearing distance and looked at the woman standing beside her. "What's wrong with them?" she asked.
Raven frowned, letting out a sigh that sounded long-suffering.
"Clarke has wanted him to come back for so long…she talked about him all the time and the way her face would light up…" Madi paused, frowning. "I wanted to meet him just because he made her so happy. I thought…now that he was back…she'd be…"
Raven nodded, her eyebrows raising as she expressed some of her own confusion. "Yeah. I thought he'd be happy now too," she admitted.
Madi huffed. "What's wrong with them?"
Raven glanced at the young girl as if sizing her up. "How old are you again?"
"Twelve," Madi responded, squaring her shoulders, slightly offended.
Raven contemplated that for a moment, then nodded. "I guess you're old enough to understand some of this. They've always had a…complicated relationship," she began.
"Because they're in love with each other," Madi knowingly supplied.
Raven snorted. "Yeah, that would be why."
"So why don't they just…" Madi waved her hands a little awkwardly, indicating she was indeed a little ignorant on the subject. "Why aren't they together now? Were they together before?"
Raven glanced back out at the two people she'd considered her friends and her leaders for so many years. "No, they never were," she said a little sadly.
"Why not?" Madi asked, and she had a little trouble keeping the indignation out of her voice.
Raven shrugged. "Sometimes, there were other people in the way…but really, I think they were all just a distraction."
"From what?"
"What they really wanted—each other," Raven supplied. "I guess their timing has never really been right."
Madi contemplated that for a moment. "Can't we…help them?"
Raven turned to look at her little companion with raised eyebrows. "What did you have in mind?"
"I dunno…can't we just go tell them they love each other and that they're being idiots?"
Raven chuckled. "Honestly, a few of us had that idea years ago. I think it was Jasper's idea, actually," she said, her voice going a little soft and wistful.
"But you never did it?"
The older girl shook her head. "Nah. I don't even remember why, for sure. Grounders attacked, or maybe it was Mountain Men…or maybe that was when we were trying to figure out who was chipped. Who knows. But something happened that made us realize why we couldn't shove them into something they weren't ready for."
"But…why not? They love each other…they make each other happy, right? Why can't we make them see that?"
Raven bit her lower lip, trying to figure out how to explain the more complicated workings of one of the most complex relationships she'd ever seen to a pre-teen. Eventually, she grabbed Madi's arm, tugging her a bit further away, just in case. "You know how you and Clarke were down here alone for so long?"
Madi nodded.
"So…you two relied on each other for everything, right? I mean, practical stuff…like food and water and shelter…but also emotional stuff. If you ever needed to cry…or if you felt scared…I'm sure you felt like you could go to Clarke and she'd…help you, right? Make you feel safe? Like everything was going to be okay?"
"Yeah," Madi replied slowly, not grasping where this was going.
"Well, that's sort of what Bellamy and Clarke did for each other all those years ago. They…" Raven glanced up, her face going a little fond and a little exasperated at the same time as she remembered. "They took charge of a group of 100 delinquents who'd never been on land before. They figured out how to keep us all alive…time and time again. Even once the rest of the Ark came down…it seemed like it was still the two of them figuring out how to save all of us. Some of the decisions they were forced to make…some of the stuff they had to do…it wasn't easy on either of them. But they had each other. The way you and Clarke relied on each other and took care of each other…that's kind of what they did for each other."
"Okay, but I still don't understand…"
"Imagine if you needed to…change your relationship with Clarke for some reason. You had to tell her something that might make her not want to be around you anymore. So, you're not only worried that you might not be able to find enough to eat and a dry place to sleep…you're also worried that the person that you trust…the person that makes you feel safe…they might not be around to do that for you anymore. Would you be willing to take that risk?"
Madi thought about it for a moment. "Okay, but that would only matter if one of them didn't feel the same way about the other one. Which…obviously they do."
Raven couldn't help but smirk a little, because the pre-teen in Madi was making an appearance. "Yeah, but those two idiots have always been blind when it comes to how the other one feels about them. Their lives back then were so intertwined…" She glanced back out at the table, and at the man and woman still sitting there, trying their damndest not to look at each other. "You've never seen them how they were back then. There was always something wrong: not enough food, people trying to kill us, murderous dictators staging coups, AI trying to take over our brains, grounders breaking deals to try to get us killed… They were both stressed and dealing with guilt and grief and who knows what else…but they had each other. Honestly, I'm not sure they would've gotten through it without each other." Raven's brow furrowed as she came to a conclusion. "I'm not sure any of us would've gotten through it if they'd hadn't had each other."
Madi just watched the older girl contemplatively, filing away the somewhat new side of her adoptive mother she was learning about.
"The two of them together…they were so important to each other…so important to all of us…we understood why they didn't want to risk it…why they couldn't risk losing each other."
"Okay, I guess I get that. But what about now? No one is trying to kill them now."
Raven frowned, crossing her arms, cocking her hip, and staring at the couple in question. After a minute, she spoke hesitantly. "I'm not sure. I think maybe…they don't know how to be around each other anymore."
Madi contemplated that for a minute. "You mean…now that they don't have people trying to kill them…"
Raven nodded. "They have to work harder not to be together."
Madi huffed in frustration. "Why don't they just get together then?!"
"Afraid, I guess," Raven muttered with a shrug, then couldn't help but snort at the impressive side eye Madi was giving her. Really, she was proud. "Look, they might not have people shooting at them anymore, but they're still too important to each other to take this whole thing lightly. They're afraid of messing it up, and I don't want anyone else to mess it up either," she admitted. "If they can't make it…who can?" she added a bit wistfully.
The conversation lagged for a few minutes as both girls were lost in thought.
Finally, Madi spoke up. "Okay, so we can't go…shove them together and tell them to kiss."
"No," Raven agreed. "That was pretty much Jasper's exact plan though, so good job."
"Okay, but what if we…helped them out?"
The older girl glanced quizzically at her younger companion. "What did you have in mind?"
"Well…they've barely had any time alone, and even when they are alone, they're checking traps or fixing equipment or whatever," she said, gesturing to their current activities.
"Okay…" Raven agreed.
"What if we…gave them a chance to be alone? Helped push them in the right direction without…pushing too hard?"
"…you want to set them up on a date?" Raven asked a bit incredulously.
"Is that…not a good idea?" Madi asked, a bit of hesitancy sneaking through as she waited for her new mentor's approval.
Raven looked heavenward for a moment. "It just seems so…crazy. The two of them…they'd walk into gunfire for each other." She paused, tilting her head. "They have walked into gunfire for each other. But a date…" She grinned a bit wickedly. "Give me everything you've got."
"Well…there's that pavilion down by the lake…" Madi began, talking about the rudimentary structure she and Clarke had constructed a few years ago.
It was a couple miles away from their home, just above a decent sized lake.
She and Clarke went to the lake once every week or so to catch fish and wash their clothes, and they typically camped out there when they did.
It would've been easy enough to get back to the rover and drive home at night, but they enjoyed their time at the lake and even jokingly referred to it as "vacation," so they'd decided to build a shelter…nothing much, just four poles and a roof, but it was enough to keep them dry.
Besides…it wasn't as if they had anything else pressing to do.
Raven nodded when Madi mentioned it. "That campsite you guys showed us when you took us on the 'grand tour?'"
"Yeah. It's really pretty right now…there are those purple flowers everywhere and there should be baby ducks at the lake…"
"Okay. What do you want to do?"
Madi chewed on her lower lip. "Well…what if we set up everything…made it really nice and comfortable…have it all ready with food and blankets and stuff…and then trick them to get them up there…and then leave them alone. That would be like a date, right?"
Raven's smirk grew with each word the girl said, until she looked downright devious. "You want to Parent Trap them?"
Madi's face instantly showed her confusion. "Parent trap them?" she questioned.
Raven nodded absentmindedly. "The old Lindsay Lohan movie."
"…who is Lindsay Lohan?"
Raven couldn't help the bark of laughter that escaped her. "Never mind," she said, patting the younger girl's shoulder. "Probably better if you don't know."
Raven
Raven watched from her perch just across the lake as Madi and Murphy finished setting everything up.
They'd clued Murphy in as soon as they'd come up with a solid plan, needing a bit of muscle to help with the heavy lifting, especially since the rover couldn't quite get to the pavilion, the road ending a few hundred feet away and being blocked by large boulders.
Murphy had bitched and rolled his eyes when Raven had asked him (read: told him) to help, and he'd grumbled and huffed the entirety of the time he'd been carrying things from the rover to the picnic site, whining about how heavy the chairs were and 'Why the hell do they need candles? It's not even dark.'
Raven glanced at her watch, realizing it was just a few minutes before the time Monty and Harper, who'd recently been enlisted to help as well, were supposed to be arriving with Bellamy and Clarke. She picked up her walkie to alert her friends across the lake. "Guys, they should be coming any minute now. You need to get out of there."
Murphy picked up his walkie, answering as he shifted one of the chairs around. "Hold on. We need to move this," he said, turning the table to diagonally face the lake.
"Murphy, come on. Get a move on," Raven insisted, starting to get a bit anxious when she realized the whole plan could go kaput before it even started.
Monty and Harper suddenly remembering they needed to do something back at the bunker and leaving Bellamy and Clarke at a very pretty picnic spot was one thing…Bellamy and Clarke showing up and finding Murphy and Madi very clearly setting up said picnic spot for them was another.
And honestly, the biggest issue was probably that they'd try to make Madi stay to eat with them.
"One second!" he insisted, moving the chairs so they were also sort of facing the lake…and also cleverly much closer to each other, just one corner of the table separating them instead of the entire table. "We need to get the morons as close to each other as possible or they'll end up talking about boundary perimeters and crop yields or some shit the whole time."
Raven couldn't help but snort, because he was right, that was hilarious, and it was cute how much he cared about getting them together too, even if he tried to pretend like he didn't. "Okay, seriously, you two. Out of there. Unless you'd like to light the candles for them, Murphy? Maybe pick some of those pretty flowers and…"
Murphy cut off her teasing. "Shut it, Reyes. We're coming."
Raven watched as he and Madi made their way around the lake, coming to stand with her just behind a thick patch of trees.
They weren't going to 'spy,' per say, but they wanted to make sure that their plan worked, at least as far as getting them to sit down and have a picnic together…alone.
The trio only had to wait a few minutes before the expected foursome appeared at the top of the trail, and then a few more minutes after that for Monty and Harper to hand off a backpack, make some vague hand gestures toward the pavilion while they conversed in tones too low to hear across the lake, shrug a few times, and then turn around and head back toward the trail, leaving a confused duo behind them.
Bellamy and Clarke discussed something for a moment, then shared shrugs of their own, eventually heading for the table and sitting down to share the meal, just like Lindsay Lohan (and Madi) intended.
The trio hiding out across the lake assumed various poses…Madi stayed completely still, peeking around a tree, her eyes glued to the couple across the lake, Raven stood with arms crossed, leaning around the brush to take a glance every couple of minutes, and Murphy…Murphy stood with his back against a tree behind them, seemingly bored and only paying attention to his nails, which he was cleaning with a wicked looking knife.
The girls both realized he'd probably been paying just as much attention as they had though whenever he suddenly stood upright, quickly strapping his knife back to his waist as he muttered a worried, "shit."
At his expletive, Raven hurriedly looked across the lake, then muttered a low expletive of her own.
She put her hands on Madi's shoulders, gently pulling her backwards. "Come on, Madi. I think it's time we gave them some privacy," she muttered sadly.
The three plotters walked slowly back toward where they'd left the rover, their body language betraying just how upset they all were…even Murphy.
As Raven helped Madi up into the rover and then climbed in after her, she thought about the two people she'd left in the perfect romantic spot…the two people who had always been so in love with each other, everyone could see it but them…
Honestly, she'd hoped she'd have to cover Madi's eyes and pull her away because those two love-sick idiots finally got their act together and started doing it on the table.
But this…she'd never expected this.
Though, really…she probably should have.
A Few Minutes Earlier
Bellamy
Bellamy stared after Monty and Harper's retreating backs, his face the epitome of confusion.
They had been going on a day trip with him and Clarke to check everything at the lake and hopefully bring home some fish for dinner that night.
But, just as they'd reached the lake, Monty had suddenly remembered that he'd promised to help Raven with the indoor plumbing and insisted he and Harper needed to return immediately.
When Bellamy and Clarke had offered to go back to help too, they'd adamantly refused, claiming it was a job for two, not four, and that someone should stay to catch some fish.
That had been weird enough on its own, but then Harper had handed Bellamy her backpack, saying something about how she'd packed lunch for everyone, but they might as well take it since she and Monty could just eat back at the bunker.
Bellamy lifted the backpack a little higher, glancing at Clarke with raised eyebrows as if asking, 'what should we do with this?'
Luckily, even after six years apart, she still knew what he was thinking.
"We might as well eat it," she shrugged. "No sense in letting perfectly good food go to waste."
Bellamy nodded, and they made their way up the hill toward the pavilion.
It wasn't until they got closer that he noticed that someone had…furnished it?
"What the hell?" he asked, stopping in his tracks.
Clarke absentmindedly placed a hand on his back, walking around him. "These are from the bunker. I think most of this stuff was in the storage room," she said, skimming her hand over the table.
He watched her for a moment, a little transfixed by the sight of her hand brushing delicately over the tabletop, before he snapped himself out of it, glancing at everything surrounding them.
There was a small table, two chairs, a chest of some sort, a fur, and…candles?
"Who brought all this shit out here? And why?" he asked in confusion.
"No idea," Clarke admitted. "Maybe Murphy is planning on surprising Emori with it later? Or maybe…Echo and Raven wanted to set up something for Madi? I don't know," she finished a little lamely.
"…or maybe we were set up," he said for the both of them.
"But…why?" she asked.
He sighed, setting the backpack on the table and kicking back in one of the chairs, one of his legs stretched out in front of him as he scrubbed a hand over his face before he looked up at her. "Maybe everyone has noticed that we're…not exactly back to our old selves with each other," he said, a bit resignedly.
Clarke sighed, sinking down into the other chair. "Madi even asked me why we were being weird, and she doesn't even know what we were like before," she admitted quietly.
They both paused, decidedly not looking at each other for a moment.
Finally, he glanced up at her. "So?"
She smiled ruefully. "You first."
He bit his lip, clearly uncomfortable as he stared out at the lake. After a bit, he finally spoke quietly. "I thought you were dead. For six years…I thought you were dead," he said, voice cracking on the last word.
"But I'm not," she reminded him, her hand covering his on the table. "I'm right here."
His eyes closed the moment she touched him. "I know. But it's just hard to…" he trailed off, not quite sure what he wanted to say and a little too scared to say any of the things coming to his mind, anyway.
When he finally looked at her again, she was watching him with understanding written all over her face. "I missed you. Every day…for six years…I missed you," she practically whispered.
Gathering a dose of courage, he flipped his hand over, catching hers and holding it tightly. "I'm right here," he said, repeating her words back to her.
"I know," she replied, "but it's just hard to…it's hard to reconcile the you that's here…sitting in front of me…with the person I've spent so long missing. I don't…" she sighed, looking away as she blinked away a tear. "I don't know how to do this, Bellamy. I don't know how I'm supposed to treat you like everyone else when…"
His heart stuttered at that, because it sounded an awful lot like she was thinking the same thing he was. "Well…it's not like we've ever treated each other…like everyone else," he said with a hint of a smile.
Not quite there, but closer.
She grinned at that, using her free hand to swipe a tear off her cheek. "No, I guess not," she agreed before she turned serious again. "Bellamy, I…I need you to say it."
He froze.
If his heart had stuttered before, it straight up stopped this time.
Did she want him to say those three little words that had been on the tip of his tongue for seven years? The ones he'd written on a piece of paper he'd never dared hope she'd see?
Did she want him to say…
"Just go ahead and say it so I can tell you I forgive you," she insisted.
Oh.
His brain stopped its thought process, trying to hurriedly reroute from the terrifying thought of a love confession to…
Oh.
God, he was pretty sure this was worse.
He was already shaking his head. "Clarke, I don't…we don't," he stumbled through his attempts at speaking, everything in him telling him to run, deflect, deny, FLEE.
He didn't want her forgiveness…he didn't deserve it.
Just as he attempted to pull his hand away, she gripped it harder. "Bellamy, I know you. I may not have seen you for six years, and we may have spent far more time apart than together," she said, sounding impossibly sad about that fact, "but I know you. I know you're feeling guilty, and I can't help but feel like that's part of what's holding both of us back. So just…say what you need to say. Please?" she asked, leaning over on the table, trying to catch his eye.
He looked at her until he couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice cracking the moment he started.
"Bellamy…" she began.
He interrupted her before she could go any further. "It's my fault. I left you here to die, Clarke," he reminded her, angrily pulling his hand out from under hers. "I never should've left you behind. I still can't believe I…" he shook his head in disbelief.
"Bellamy," she repeated. "It is not your fault. You did what you had to do. You did what had to be done. I was proud of you for doing it."
"Don't say that," he insisted, wanting nothing more than to get up and pace, but somehow keeping himself seated. "Don't say you're proud of me for leaving you alone on a radiation soaked planet to die while I saved myself. That's not what we do. We don't leave each other behind. But that's…" he shut his eyes, as if he still couldn't believe it. "That's what I did."
There was a long, silent pause, in which he thought he'd gotten her to agree with him, but when he glanced up, he realized she'd just been waiting for him to look at her.
"We do what has to be done. For our people. You couldn't have held the rocket for me, or all our friends would've died."
He chewed on the inside of his lip. "Then I should've stayed. I should've stayed with you," he insisted.
"Then you would've died," she said, sounding absolutely horrified by that idea.
He shook his head. "You don't know that, and at least you wouldn't have been alone. I would've rather…" he stopped himself, because admitting that he would've rather died with her was probably admitting just a bit too much.
Apparently, she did know him though, because the next words out of her mouth were soft, sad, but they were adamant. "That's the last thing I would've wanted, Bellamy."
He sighed in frustration, because they were never going to get anywhere on this.
He should have stayed…every bone in his body told him he needed to stay, and he'd never forgive himself for not listening.
"Bellamy," she began. "All those years ago…when I had to close the dropship door on you…did you want me to keep it open? Let all the grounders inside before you could even get there? Or did you want me to shut the door and walk out into the army of grounders to try to find you?"
His face hardened, because he could see what she was trying to do, and it wasn't going to work. "That's not the same thing, Clarke."
"It is," she insisted. "I absolutely hated the thought of leaving you behind. But I knew that you'd want me to. I knew that you'd want me to save our people and myself…to be there to take care of them, if nothing else. And that's exactly what I wanted you to do six years ago. I can't tell you how I knew my mom's premonition was going to come true…but I did. I knew I was going to be in the radiation wave, and I didn't want you risking your life to save me. That's why I told you to use your head…because your heart does these ridiculously sweet, stupid things like telling you to march through an army of warriors to get to me…but there wouldn't be any escaping from the death wave, at least not for someone without nightblood. Bellamy, I can't imagine a universe without you in it," she admitted. "I don't want to."
Her words had started to permeate the shell of guilt he'd started to wear like a suit of armor…because if he didn't let her get too close, he couldn't hurt her again…and he should say something besides what immediately sprang to mind. He should say anything besides what immediately sprang to mind.
But, alas…
"I had to imagine a universe without you in it. For six years," he whispered, unable to stop the torment he'd felt from edging through.
At that, she stood up, and he braced himself, sure that this was the part where she walked away from him and never looked back…
Instead, she reached for his hand, tugging until he stood up, and then tugging a bit more until he walked a couple steps to the trunk with her and sat down beside her.
His butt had barely touched the trunk before his arms were full of her.
She pulled him down a bit, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "I'm sorry," she whispered brokenly against his neck.
He was confused as all get out, but every instinct in him screamed at him to comfort her, so he wrapped his arms around her waist, gathering her even tighter against his chest. "What the hell are you sorry for?!" he asked.
"I'm sorry you thought you'd lost me," she muttered, lips still pressed into his skin. "And I'm so sorry you've carried around all this guilt. That's not what I wanted, Bellamy. That's not what I wanted for you."
He was a little speechless at that, so he just buried his face in her hair, inhaling her scent and listening to her uneven breaths and holding her while she cried, and he couldn't help but think that this was some kind of fucked up fate they had: it seemed like the only time he got to hold her like this was when she was crying, and he wanted to take all her pain away but somehow keep her in his arms forever.
But honestly, he wasn't sure if that was in the cards for them.
He let his arms tighten a little more, one hand running soothingly up and down her spine, and it wasn't until there was a vague sound of leaves rustling across the lake that she pulled away, but only enough to see him.
The minute he saw her face, his hands moved to gently wipe away her tears. "Hey," he admonished softly. "No more crying because of me."
She chuckled a little at that, as if it was absurd. "No more feeling guilty because of me," she answered pointedly.
He rolled his eyes a little at that.
She put her hands on his forearms, keeping him close. "Bellamy…I promise you, there's nothing to forgive. Even on my worst day…I never blamed you," she insisted. "But…if you need forgiveness…I'll give that to you," she said, staring at him intently to make sure she got through to him. "You're forgiven."
And, no matter how hard he fought it, with those words came dozens of images…dozens of feelings…every time they'd taken a little bit of guilt from each other, sometimes when no one else would.
He'd meant it every time he'd said it to her, and he knew she felt the same, and to think that she was willing to do this for him…to absolve him of something this terrible…that she still not only knew him this well, but she'd still do anything to take some of his pain away…that not only cracked open that protective shell he'd constructed…it also fractured his soul.
When he reached for her, she met him halfway, and this time, she was the one running her hand through his hair while he cried silently into her neck.
After what felt like forever, she asked softly, "It wasn't the whole time, was it?"
He reluctantly pulled back trying to discreetly wipe his cheeks with the backs of his hands, but not really succeeding since she was still barely six inches away from him. "What?"
"You didn't spend all six years beating yourself up about this, did you?" she clarified.
He sighed, and honestly, it felt terrible to say this, but she genuinely seemed scared he was going to say yes, so he went ahead. "It wasn't as bad…later."
She just raised her eyebrows slightly, clearly asking for more information.
"At the beginning, we were all…mourning," he said, the word not feeling right on his tongue, especially since she was sitting right in front of him. "And I couldn't think of you or hear your name without remembering…"
At the pointed look on her face, he didn't finish his sentence.
"Anyway, Monty and Raven…hell, even Murphy and Echo…everyone tried to tell me that it wasn't my fault. Eventually, I guess I started to believe them a little. It was just…seeing you again…" he let his eyes roam over her, "I guess it brought it all back."
Clarke chewed on her lower lip, nodding. "So…you spent six years in space missing me and thinking I was dead…and I spent six years on the ground missing you and counting down the days until I'd see you again…and then we finally find each other and we're still not happy," she said, and it was only half in jest.
He snorted, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into a sort of side hug. "We've always had enough guilt and hang-ups for at least twelve other people," he admitted, but tried to keep his voice light-hearted.
Now it was her turn to snort. "Twelve? Try twelve hundred," she joked.
"We should stop that," he suggested, although that wasn't really all he was suggesting.
"Yeah, we should," she agreed, nuzzling her nose into his chest.
And honestly, she was so warm, and so soft, and in his arms but not crying for once, and all he could think about was how close her forehead was to his lips…so he tilted his head the barest of degrees, and before he could talk himself out of it, he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.
She didn't really react, so he slowly let out the breath he'd been holding, turning to nuzzle his cheek against her.
At that, she moved back a little, her hand moving as if of its own accord to wipe at her forehead.
His heart seized in his chest, all that relief and peace he'd just found wiped away in an instant, because clearly he'd misread the signals. "I'm…sorry, I thought…"
She glanced up at him in confusion, but seemed to quickly realize which dots he'd erroneously connected. "No! I'm not…" She grabbed his arm. "Your beard was just itchy, you jackass," she admonished, swatting him playfully.
The dread that had momentarily taken control of his body flowed out of him. "Oh. Uh…"
She leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before rubbing a little at her chin. "See? Scratchy," she said, voice a little shaky as she leaned her head on his shoulder.
Bellamy tried to hide his smile of delight, but didn't really succeed.
He was pretty sure it was okay though, because he was almost positive he'd seen a blush on her cheeks before she'd turned to hide it. "Sorry," he said, although he didn't sound all that sorry at all.
"Honestly, Bellamy. Acting like I'm going to disown you over a scratchy beard. I thought we were going to work on these hang-ups of ours," she said, voice light and teasing but still a little breathless.
He hid his grin in the hair on top of her head. "Sure, Princess. Whatever you say."
A Few Hours Later
Clarke
Clarke was in the kitchen, draining some of the algae she and Bellamy had gathered from the lake a few hours earlier.
After they'd had their heart-to-heart and subsequent simultaneous breakdowns, they'd sat beside each other for what seemed like ages, their heads resting against each other and his arm around her back, just listening to the sounds of the forest around them as they let their hearts start to stitch themselves back together.
Eventually, they'd smiled shyly at each other, eaten some of the lunch that had been mysteriously packed for them, and then tried to get in a little work before they headed back.
They were both a little useless though, so catching fish sort of fell by the wayside.
They did, however, manage to wash the small batch of clothes they'd brought and collect a bit of algae that could be dried and used as a supplement if necessary.
They'd worked together effortlessly, helping each other before the other could ask, making jokes about Space Kru having seen enough algae to last them seven lifetimes, and even touching each other more casually…but there was still something hanging between them.
It wasn't painful though, like it had been before…some sort of wall that kept them from being themselves with each other.
This was more like whatever had always hung between them years ago…back when they were too scared to admit how they felt.
There were a lot of stolen glances and shy smiles and words on the edges of tongues that never got uttered, and it all felt sort of…hopeful.
Just like always, that damn note of his was never far from her mind: it had been there when she'd been thinking about how he'd mourned her…maybe not just as a friend, but as…more, it had been there when he'd kissed her forehead so tenderly, then looked petrified when she'd unconsciously scratched at it, obviously thinking she was rejecting him, and it was there the entire rest of the day they spent together, acting a little bit like teenagers with a crush.
…except it wasn't a crush.
It was so much more than that.
It always had been, and maybe it was even more now than it was back then.
And that's why she didn't bring it up, even though she couldn't stop thinking about it.
Whatever his reason for not bringing it up by now…she didn't want to press him on it, not when she was pretty damn sure they were headed for a whole new relationship…one that would be even better.
Maybe they both needed a fresh start with each other.
The sound of the door swinging shut startled her a bit, and she left the algae in the sink to finish draining while she went to find Bellamy.
The two of them should be alone in the bunker, because Raven, Murphy, and Emori had gone to visit the Eligius ship to ask to borrow some tools they needed to finish the indoor plumbing, Echo had taken Madi down to the lake to teach her how to use a bow and arrow, and Monty and Harper had been getting ready to leave to check the traps when Clarke had gone into the kitchen an hour before.
Bellamy had taken the wet laundry with him and disappeared outside, so she'd assumed he was hanging it on the line to dry, but when she saw him, she realized that he must've taken a detour.
She stopped in her tracks as her eyes roamed over him, taking him in…drinking him in like she was starved for him…because she was.
He was staring at her just as intently, although his gaze was full of apprehension.
Because the longer hair and the beard that he'd come back to Earth with were gone, and the clean-shaven Bellamy with curly hair…the one she'd pictured every day for six years…he was back, and he was standing in front of her.
And she understood…this wasn't just a shave and a haircut…this was a gesture, and she was fairly sure she understood what the gesture was saying.
Before she could stop herself or overthink it, she flew across the room, throwing herself into his arms.
He caught her with a bit of a laugh, although it sounded more pleased than humorous. "What's this for?" he asked.
She shook her head, standing on her tiptoes and wrapping herself even tighter around him, burying her face further into his neck.
He clutched her tightly against his chest, half picking her up off her feet, his hand tangling in her hair. "Clarke…what is it?" he asked quietly, sounding a little petrified but also a little desperate to know the answer.
She took a deep breath, deciding to say exactly what she was thinking for once. "You look like my Bellamy again," she whispered against his shoulder, her heart practically bursting with how true that statement was.
He froze against her, and she could feel him stop breathing. "I…" he cleared his throat. "I always have been," he admitted, voice trembling slightly.
She closed her eyes, letting those words wash over her…letting them fill in those cracks she'd been carrying around in her heart for so long.
She released him a bit reluctantly, leaning back just enough to see his face.
He looked terrified, frankly, but she could also see so much hope there, and that was all she needed to know he was in just as deep as she was, and he always had been, and suddenly, all her well-laid plans about starting over and forgetting about the note flew out the window, because she needed him to know that she knew and that she felt the same way.
Even though everything in her was telling her to kiss him, she instead grabbed his hand, tugging him toward her bedroom. "Come here," she said breathlessly as she walked him through the bunker.
When they neared her bedroom, he paused a little. "Clarke…"
She just kept tugging, not releasing his hand until he was standing in her doorway.
Then, she walked to her bedside table, opening the top drawer and pulling out the wrinkled yellow note she cherished…staring at the words she knew by heart.
'P.S. I never told you, but I was falling in love.'
She stared at it for a moment, smoothing it out a little as she took a deep breath, then turned around and walked back to him, holding it out towards him.
She watched as his gaze laser focused on it in disbelief. "You found it. You…kept it," he said, as if he couldn't quite believe it.
"Of course I kept it."
He took it hesitantly from her hand, staring at it thoughtfully before looking back up at her. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"I thought…" she paused, realizing it all sounded so absurd now. "…maybe you didn't think I'd ever actually see it. Maybe you didn't mean it," she shrugged, like the thought didn't break her heart.
He was already shaking his head. "I meant it," he said vehemently. "I meant it then…and I mean it even more now."
She closed her eyes, a soft smile forming on her lips at how impossibly happy that made her. When she opened them again, she found him staring at her intently. "Why didn't you say anything?" she asked.
Now it was his turn to shrug one shoulder, as if she couldn't tell what he was about to say was killing him inside. "I figured you saw it and…wanted to forget you ever saw it."
"Bellamy, no," she insisted, stepping closer and putting her hands on his shoulders, needing to impart just how wrong he was. "It's been taped to the wall by my bed for six years," she told him.
At that confession, his expression turned from one of anxiety and trepidation to one of relief…one of need.
There was so much more they both needed to say, but for right now, all she could manage was…"I love you too."
The words were barely out of her mouth before his hands were on her face and his mouth was swooping down to meet hers.
And his lips were firm and hungry, but still impossibly sweet, because even when they were desperate for each other…how much he loved her was still evident in everything he did, like always.
It had always been evident in the way he held her…the way he protected her…the way he touched her.
And it was evident as he skimmed his hands down her sides, grasping her waist tightly as she stood on her tiptoes, sliding her fingers through his hair to bring him closer.
It was evident in the way he put a hand down to break her fall after they tripped their way toward her bed and tumbled onto it.
It was evident in the way he worshipped her, spending what seemed like hours kissing her from head to toe, sending her over the edge again and again until she was practically writhing, desperate to finally know what it was like to be with him.
And when he finally entered her, and then stayed poised just above her, wiping her sweaty curls off her face as he whispered how much he loved her…she wondered how she could've ever doubted it.
It wasn't until later, after they were laying loosely in each other's arms, still catching their breath, that she turned to him and asked, "Can you say it again?"
Luckily, he knew exactly what she meant. "I love you," he responded, his voice and his gaze so full of adoration, she wanted to melt.
He'd said it multiple times while they'd been making love…whispered it against her skin more times than she could count, but this was somehow different. "I've been trying to imagine what it would sound like for six years…probably more like seven, if I'm being honest," she admitted.
"Did you really keep it on your wall?" he asked, as if he still couldn't believe it.
She nodded, snuggling closer. "It was on the wall above my cot in Becca's lab, and…you don't know how many days it got me through," she whispered. "I just had to look at it and remember that you were out there somewhere…loving me as much as I loved you…and that you'd find your way back to me someday."
He curled his arm tighter around her, pulling her in to nuzzle at her cheek and press a kiss there.
"And then it's been on my wall here ever since," she continued. "I took it down while Madi was giving you guys the tour because I didn't want everyone else to see it before I…figured out what it meant, for sure."
"It was something I'd felt for so long…even back then…and I thought I was never going to get a chance to tell you. That was my way of telling you how much I loved you…even if I didn't think you'd ever get to see it," he said sadly.
"Mm, but you do get the chance to tell me," she said, smiling as she turned toward him, sliding a hand into his hair. "Again," she insisted playfully, nipping at his lower lip.
"I love you," he said, sliding his hands to her waist and pulling her body against his.
"Again," she said breathlessly, sliding her body against his in all the right places.
"I love you," he repeated, his voice lower and his eyes darker.
She started sliding her hand down his chest…then down his stomach…her voice some mix between playful and sultry. "Two thousand, two hundred and five days, Bellamy," she reminded him, just as her hand skimmed over him.
He growled, low in his throat, using his body to flip her onto her back and then pinning her wrists loosely on either side of her head as his hips moved against hers. "I love you so fucking much," he promised.
Clarke couldn't help but grin, because this was everything she'd ever wanted and something she never thought she'd be lucky enough to have…not like this. "I love you too," she promised right back, leaning up to capture his lips with hers, and then neither of them were able to talk for a good long while.
Later
Clarke
"You didn't have to shave just because of me, you know that right?" she asked, rolling her head lazily on the pillow to look at him. "I still would've made out with you even if you gave me beard burn," she teased.
She'd never been more sated or deliciously exhausted in her life, but she supposed that was what happened when you had orgasm after orgasm with the man you loved.
She was still awake enough though to remember to tell him that he didn't need to change his appearance for her. She might have preferred the more clean-cut version of him, but she loved him in every iteration and she needed to make sure he didn't think she was shallow enough to have let that affect her decision to be with him in any weird way.
"I know," he answered, sounding just as happy and exhausted as she felt. "I mean, the potential making out may have been a factor…" he teased. "…but I think it was time."
"What do you mean?" she asked, rolling onto her side and scooting closer.
"I think…" he sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "I think I felt so much like someone else without you…I felt like I needed to look like someone else too," he frowned. "That doesn't make any sense. Forget it."
She slid into his arms. "No, it makes perfect sense. Do you remember what I looked like in Polis?"
He froze, then glanced slowly, almost reluctantly at her. Their eyes barely met before they both dissolved into laughter.
She eventually lifted her face from where she'd hidden it against his arm to glance at him, smile still playing on her face.
"I loved you even when you had matted pink dreadlocks," he teased.
"I loved you even with a scratchy beard and hair longer than mine," she responded playfully, making him chuckle.
His hand skimmed up and down her bare back. "I thought it was time to quit hiding," he admitted.
She nodded, lifting a hand to touch his jaw gently. "No more hiding," she agreed.
He hummed, getting more comfortable. "No more hang-ups, no more hiding…anything else?" he asked facetiously.
"Two thousand, two hundred and five days, Bellamy," she teased.
His lips curved even though his eyes stayed shut. "Love you, Princess."
She leaned up, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you too."
"You know…" she said, curling one of her legs over his as she scooted even closer. "I'm beginning to think Madi may have Parent Trapped us."
"Parent trapped us?" he asked absentmindedly in confusion as he pulled her half on top of him, settling her in comfortably on his chest.
"The old Lindsay Lohan movie," she reminded him. When he didn't respond, she lifted her head up slightly to look at him.
He shrugged, his eyes half closed. "I hardly ever went to movie night. I was either working or I was home with O."
She frowned a bit at that, laying her head back down. "It's this old movie with twins who were separated as babies when their parents got divorced and they meet each other by accident at summer camp and come up with this whole ridiculous plan to get their parents back together. It involves a lot of setting them up on dates they don't realize they're on so they'll fall in love with each other again."
He sounded half asleep above her, but he responded knowingly, "But they never fell out of love with each other in the first place, right?"
She smiled, pressing a kiss to his chest, just above his heart. "Nope."
"Mmm," he said running a hand through her hair. "Sounds like a good movie."
"Yeah, I guess it was."
It was a few moments later, when they'd both fallen into that extremely peaceful state just before slumber…made all the more peaceful by the fact that they were wrapped in each other's arms…finally, when something seemed to occur to Bellamy.
"Who is Lindsay Lohan?" he asked, ending on a yawn.
Clarke chuckled, patting his chest as she snuggled closer, stifling a yawn of her own. "Probably better if you don't know."
A/N: Poor, poor Lindsay. At least she gave me a good title, amirite?
Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans!