Silly idea that spanned 2,600 words.
Read, review, and enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Ace Attorney.
The first mistake he made was acknowledging that Phoenix was late. He rushed up to the table, with a too-loose tie and the rings of the sleep-deprived. His grin was apologetic enough, and the man was clearly grateful that he had taken the liberty of ordering for both of them. They were experiencing the first warm days in spring, so that meant breakfast on the patio. Pess was resting under the table, and Phoenix stooped down to greet her.
"Working to the last minute again?"
"No," he sighed, "there's something up with Charley."
"With whom?"
Phoenix stared at him incredulously.
"The plant, who else?"
Yes, he could vaguely recall Phoenix bringing it up once or twice. It was a palm, and the only thing in the office which did not collect dust, despite remaining in the same spot for nearly two decades. That didn't explain why he had been deprived of sleep by a simple houseplant.
"What's wrong with... Charley?"
"I'm worried. He's got stress spots on his leaves, I don't know why."
"And this kept you up at night because?"
"Well I've been trying to figure out the cause. First I checked the soil to see if there was anything funny in it, and I searched him for bugs that might be causing the problem..."
He never should have asked about the plant, he should have dropped the topic. He should have ignored how he constantly tapped his fingers on the table, and was gradually picking apart his toast, despite never taking a bite. He should have written off the actions as just that: strange behavior from an absurd man. Then he started to add too much sugar to his tea. He would pluck two sugar cubes- with fingers smeared in butter from his toast mind you- eat one, and drop the other in his tea. He would idly stir it, looking off into nowhere, not even taking a sip. Phoenix must have forgotten he had already added sugar, because he continued the process at least five more times before he took a drink.
"Urk!"
Phoenix grimaced, knowing better than to spit if he wanted to avoid a lecture. This was the point where Miles lost his patience with the man.
"Would you like to go back and check on the plant?"
Phoenix was out of his seat in an instant. He signaled for the waitress and paid quickly. Phoenix dragged him off before he could debate on the tip to be given. In fact, he was dragged all the way back to the office, while Pess followed behind at her own leisurely pace.
The plant in question remained in its well-polished pot. It was tall, and had an abundance of long, green leaves. Looking closer, he supposed that a few of them did have a yellowish tinge, and they weren't as glossy as the others. Brown freckles were scattered across them. Pess curiously stuck her head into the plant, smelling it. She nudged one of the dying leaves with her nose, and it fell off. Phoenix screamed bloody murder. Put out by this, she sauntered off to the couch and promptly fell asleep.
"Here," a pile of books was shoved into his arms when Phoenix recovered. "If you could scan through those, I'll go through the pile here-"
The topmost issue read: Intermediate Growth Cordylines and You. Now curious, Miles looked at the spines of the others. Common Household Pests, Propagation of Tropical Plants into the Home, Soil Salinity Management in Agriculture, Vascular Plants of Japanifornia.
He could understand Phoenix I-Changed-From-An-Art-Major-To-Law Wright having a few books about critical studies on literature, or detailed analysis of historical paintings. He had studied it all before. What Miles could not understand was why he would own so many textbooks on botany. Where did he get them all from? How could he afford this?
The first book was filled with scientific jargon he could not even begin to understand. He was a legal genius, not scientific. His knowledge of science covered forensics, ways to disprove a witness' claims of "magic," and chemicals which could be related to a crime, like poisons. Not plants! He skimmed through the glossary of the book, figuring he would need to brush up on terminology. Then, his finger came to rest on one term in particular.
Biotic Stress: a biological factor (ie: insects, disease, bearing fruit, etc) which disrupts homeostasis.
He mulled over the definition, and looked at the plant. Was it just him, or was there something poking out from the dense, lower branches?
"You said you checked for insects, correct?"
"And root rot, other diseases, and foreign objects."
"Could it be growing fruit?"
"He, and no. Charley usually has flowers in the spring, but he's never grown berries. I'm not certain if he can self-pollinate."
"Then what are those near the bottom?"
Phoenix rushed over to Charley. With a manual in one hand, he stared at Charley, and then back at the illustrations on the page.
"Flowers..." Phoenix muttered to himself. "Purplish cluster, early spring preference, form berries... These ones are dying off, there's already fruit growing."
"And so?"
"But that doesn't make sense! He's never grown berries before, but he did have contact with another plant, when I took care of yours... That means..."
Was he deliberately building up the drama by not finishing his thoughts aloud, or was he genuinely too enamored to speak?
"We're going to be grandparents!"
It was in that moment he realized, his mistake was not asking Phoenix why he was late. It had not stemmed from going back to the man's office, and helping him sift through botany textbooks for an answer. No, this all started because he had allowed Phoenix to plant-sit for him, and he had actually brought it to his office "for convenience."
"We've got to go tell everyone!"
Miles knew it was too much to hope that he would be able to get through a normal week or so at work. But the first few days, nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Phoenix yelled at Maya when she asked if the berries could be steeped to make tea, and he had to clarify to Gumshoe that he did not have any secret children.
This was all relatively tame. He had expected calls in the middle of the night, with Phoenix updating him on the plant, or unburdening his worries about what type of fertilizer he should switch to now that the plant was growing berries. Of course, Phoenix did do that, in almost every conversation they would have now, but he didn't go out of his way to discuss it. Likely, having others around the office to burden with trouble had something to do with this.
Then, the gifts started arriving.
It was Kay who started this trend, bouncing into his office with two pots tucked under her arms.
"If I can't steal baby clothes, then I can still get the next best thing!" Kay had said, setting them on his window ledge. "They're a collective gift from Sebastian and I."
They were both obscenely large, one was a more simple blue-and-white. The second was a close match to the pot of the plant which had caused the trouble to begin with. The only difference between them appeared to be the shape. It was round, like Charley's, but still had the same colour and cravat.
"We figured Hedgeworth will want to take joint custody of his kids while Charley is on paternity leaf."
"It is leave, and its name is not Hedge-" Miles couldn't bring himself to say the ridiculous moniker. "It doesn't have a name. In fact, it isn't even a hedge, it is a shrub. Eremophila nivea."
"Pffft! You probably named him after the Steel Samurai's secret alias or something!"
Actually, he had named William after the Steel Samurai's actor, not that he was going to correct her on the matter.
Following Kay, there was everyone who lived in fear of having their pay cut if they gave him a present. Theirs all "mysteriously" made it past security, and found their way onto his desk the moment he left the office. Giving them anonymously hardly helped, because he could tell who had given what from a first glance.
The weighty research report entitled Investigation into the Benefits of Heavy Metal Music on Angiosperms was from Gavin. The stakes shaped like replica of the Steel Samurai's spear (they were meant for training plants) were from Blackquill. The spray bottle- clearly taken from the forensics department- and fertilizer pellets which greatly resembled Snackoos were from Ema.
He made a mental note to slash their pay for the next month. As well as the security guards who had let miniature- but still very functional- spears past the metal detector.
Gumshoe was the only one unafraid enough to present his gift with a little card attached. A Blue Badger-themed watering can. The water poured out of the eye sockets. On his card, there was background information on Charley, as well as his own plant.
Phoenix was in his office at the time, they were resting on the couch. With all the gifts they had received, it was necessary to sort them, deciding what to keep and what to politely put away in storage. (The Blue Badger watering can, as well as the matching gardening gloves were definitely on that list.) Now tired from fussing over Charley as he had for the past three weeks, Phoenix rested his chin on his shoulder. Miles was given some well-deserved peace because of it, so he did not even mind the occasional brush of spiky hair.
"Cordyline stricta are fairly hardy plants, doing good in wet conditions, and- hmph, that's some bad grammar."
With a sigh, Phoenix pressed his cold nose against his neck.
"Keep reading."
"-being adaptable to dry. They have little to no resistance to the cold however."
Eyes fluttered open momentarily, so he could give a cheshire grin.
"Just like me."
"So long as your plant doesn't cross a burning bridge, it should be fine."
"Meanie," he idly replied, burying his head back in his shoulder.
"While both plants are native to Australia, Eremophila live in the desert-"
His eyes snapped open, and Phoenix scrambled to see the paper for himself. In the process, he was dislodged from his spot because of it, finding a new one on the frigid hardwood floor.
"What? They're both from Australia? Then they could both know each other from childhood!"
Picking himself off the ground, he glared at the silvery-grey leaves of Will.
"This is all your fault."
One annoying thing which came with "grandchildren" was that Phoenix couldn't decide when they were technically born. Was it when the berries were ready to be planted in the tiny seed trays he had purchased? Or were they born when tiny green sprouts protruded from the dirt? He settled with the latter, it was evidently more exciting to wait for "small Charleys" to appear.
And they did. So many in fact that he was worried the man's office would be turned into an actual rainforest. (With how much he had been spending on temperature control for Charley and the seeds, this actually wasn't that far from the truth.) Phoenix seemed to have a grip on the matter though. He had only planted a certain amount of seeds saving them for "later," a phrase which made him shiver with dread. Along with this, he already had "trustworthy" people aligned to take in the new palms.
Franziska naturally had first pick of them. She marched into Phoenix's office, and selected the spikiest palm, Miles Edgeworth the Second. Apollo and Athena grudgingly received Sydney and Adelaide respectively. Theirs also came with the lecture about how every fully-fledged defense attorney had their own potted plant which needed to be taken proper care of. Hedgeworth Junior was stolen at birth by Kay, returned when Phoenix discovered the "kidnapping," and then given back to her. Melbourne was Trucy's, Yackandandah was given to Sebastian.
That left three, one of which would be for Maya. Phoenix carefully planted them in the pots which Kay had purchased, perfect copies of their parents'. He pushed the coffee table to the side of the room so that there was a good space for them to receive the sunlight they needed. Bit-by-bit, the palms grew taller, with the support of samurai spears to keep them aloft. They were out of the stages of infancy within a month.
It was then he brought over the palm, over-sized pot and all. Phoenix was triumphant, having raised it from seed to stem. A warm, lingering kiss silenced any thoughts Miles had of protesting. The ridiculous man still knew exactly what reduced him to an awkward, yet nevertheless happy youth.
"They don't have a name yet. I figured I'd leave it up to you. But-"
"But?"
"You are not naming them after the Iron Infant."
He swatted Phoenix with a case file for the jab, but the annoyance couldn't quite reach his eyes.
"I doubt you gave yours a more dignified name."
The playful grin dropped from his face at that.
"I did, actually."
His voice was low, and thick with emotion he could not discern
"Oh?"
"Mia."
Oh.
It was silly when his own name was being used, or that of the parent plants. But somehow, he felt her name was a perfect fit. When done properly, it wasn't tacky in the slightest.
Mia...
"It suits."
"Yes well," he swallowed hard, attempting to save face. "I should head out now. Pearls is going to be at the station soon to pick up Charley Junior for Maya."
"How soon is soon?"
"Um-"
"Wright," he warned.
"Five minutes ago," he sheepishly admitted, already walking to the door. "Don't forget to follow the watering schedule I left, you don't want to break routine."
"Get going," he said, stepping closer to the door as well.
"If you detect even the slightest signs of fertilizer burn, call me," Phoenix said, now halfway into the hall.
"I shall."
"I did the sun calculations with the angle of your window and the way the building faces." Only his head was still in the room. "You'll need to keep the left curtain partially closed at night so that way when the sun rises in the morning-"
He leaned in, as if he was going to kiss the man goodbye. Then, as Phoenix wasn't expecting it, smacked him with the case file again.
"Shoo."
"Love you!" Phoenix called, his voice muffled due to the door.
"Get going!"
Miles did not dare to move from the spot until he heard footsteps walking down the hall. Then, with a sigh, he turned back to the slender palm lily. He shifted the pot from his desk to the window ledge, positioning him by his father.
"So?" Despite himself, there was a smile tugging at his lips. "What do you think?"
Troublesome thing. The plant may have seemed innocent, with his mauve flowers and easy-to-maintain foliage, but it was all a pretty lie. After all, here he was, introducing a plant to his new offspring.
"Will, this is your fourth-youngest child, Greg."
Fin